Good 'ole rez life

For my year of undergrad (and the only time I spent living in res), I went to a school whose women were of the most upstanding moral character.

When they were around me, that is.

Actually, this thread got me looking back at a bunch of old pictures I had from res still in an old photobucket account.

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That was a snow day. We spent that evening bogganing down the hill on campus, and then covered our RA's car in snow.

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Disgusting res food.

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I was the fire warden. I took my job seriously.

All in all, I went to residence a sheltered, buttoned-down and alcohol-naive 17 year old who wanted absolutely none of those characteristics. I garnered the courage to say no to sobriety, and all that good stuff. My first time getting smashed was the first weekend - half a 60 of gin. Passed out before 10:00; woke up at 6AM the next morning without a hint of a hangover, and took the train home for my parents' 50th birthday party.

 

I lived in a dorm for my first year and then got smart and moved off campus. Dorm life was pretty good, but I loved booze and weed too much to stay around and continue getting in trouble.

My favorite story involves a completely unexpected hookup. My roommate and I were both asleep in our respective bunks at about 2am on a Thursday night. Out of nowhere, there's a defined yet gentle knock on our door. While I was the one stuck with the bottom bunk, I demanded that my roommate get the door. He answered in his boxers, proudly displaying his 6'3", 145lb. frame. With the light around him and my night vision compromised, he looked like a stick figure ascending into heaven.

I heard two faint female voices and then the door shut. Still not able to see properly, I asked who was at the door and what the fuck they wanted so late. To my surprise, my roommate wasn't the one who answered me and instead, a girl from the other tower in our building slipped into my bed, as if she had done it hundreds of times before. "We locked ourselves out," she told me with a voice so filled with sex and hot breath that, had I been wearing glasses, she would've thoroughly fooged them up. "Well, alright. Get comfortable." Did she ever...

In roughly 2 minutes, she was pants-free and fondling at my crotch like a blind locksmith. Also, during that period of time I found that I had lucked out and gotten the hotter of the two girls that chose to grace us with their presence. She was a brunette, legs up to her beautiful tits, and a darling face that said "Do me until I'm fucking bowlegged." We rolled around a bit and I fingered her until my sheets were soaked beneath her.

She had been jacking me off the whole time, and it got to the point where that wet mess already present on my bed was about to get a whole hell of a lot messier. She's beckoning for me to just let it go and with every hot, throaty word that crashed up against my neck it got more difficult to hold out. Mid-stroke and with perhaps a minute, tops, to spare, I say, "Wait, my bed's already a damn mess. Are you going to help me take care of this?" The moon had risen enough that it filled my bed with a dim light and when she looked at me with those glazed-over sex eyes and laid me back, I knew I was in for a good time. She had clearly worked at perfecting her craft. I nearly blew the back of her head off and she never batted an eye.

Then she smiled, kissed me on the cheek, rolled over, grabbed my hand and cupped it around her tit, and went to sleep.

Maybe dorms weren't so bad after all...

 

There is only one story that can properly set the idea of what college, and dorm life has been like for me.

It was the a Monday night, the week before the madness that is Halloween weekend. Dan, my roommate and best friend since the age of five, made the decision that freshman everywhere make when they don't have an exam or anything due the next day: time to go drinking on a Monday. Unfortunately for me, I had an exam the following morning, so I was in studying for the night.

Now Dan had been hooking up with a girl in our dorm, Becky, for a few weeks, and she was starting to get clingy. The clinginess seemed to rise exponentially when we found out she lived in our home town. As she became more clingy, Dan tried to quit cold turkey. But as it goes, when you quit cold turkey and then go out drinking, sneaking in a cigarette "doesn't count 'cuz i'm drunk". As was the case for Dan hooking up.

Fast forward 2 hours. I get a knock on my door from the guys across the hall telling me to come look at me roommate. He is barely able to keep himself standing while propped up against a wall. Every third step he is on the ground. He tells me, not so eloquently, that he is so drunk because some girl on the other side of campus was buying him shots at the club and dancing with him all night. He got so drunk, that when she asked him to "walk her home", he said "fuck no, that's like a 15 minute walk back to my dorm after I drop you off". When she tried to counter that he could "hang out there for a bit" he politely declined, left the club, and stumbled back home, all the while being completely oblivious to what was being offered to him.

I help Dan get into the room, and he changes into pajama pants. He climbs up into his lofted bed and I go out in the hall to see what everyone else is up to. After a few minutes go by, a hear a thud from my room, and then the door slowly opens. Dan is laying on his stomach, with one hand up in the air, level with the door knob. It seems as though someone managed to get around the safety bar on his loft and fell out. He proclaims to the crowd that he hit his balls on the desk on the way down, but not to worry, because he's too drunk to feel pain. He tells me he needs to pee and decided to slither through the safety bar to get down. When I asked him why he did that, he lets me know that it was because he is a snake, and that is what snakes do.

I get him picked up and help him get to the bathroom. Once in a stall, he places both hands on the wall and stands there for a few seconds. I let him know that he needs one of those hands to let go of the wall and hold his dick. He seems confused. I ask if he needs help (I was going to offer to hold him up). He apparently thinks I want to aim the fire hose for him and tells me to "get out of here, you queer". He then pisses all over the toilet and wall, and then he turns and looks at me. "Who put me in these?". A second before I realize he is talking about his pajama pants, I ask "In these what?". He turns for a second, looks down, starts spinning and falling and yells "In these cyclones!" This all occurs while his dick is still out. It is time for me to put him to bed.

As we get close to the room, Becky rounds the corner and asks me if I need help. We get in the room and she helps me get him up into his lofted bed. She has clearly been drinking as well, but is very much still functional. Once he is in his bed, he lays on his back and puts his feet on the ceiling and starts walking them around. He proceeds to make sure we know that "this is what snakes do". He then stares straight at me and says, "I wanna fuck." I'm more than a little bit scared by this, but he quickly continues saying "tell Becky I want to fuck". I let him know that she's here in the room and to tell her himself. He then closes his eyes and says "Becky I wanna fuck!" After they argue for a few minutes about him coming down or her climbing up, she climbs up, and I leave the room. If he can somehow manage to get a hard-on, there is a God and he is all for pre-marital sex.

I get a text from Becky about 15 minutes later telling me it is safe for me to come back. I laugh to myself as I walk back to the room, thinking that he must have failed at getting up and they called it quits. I get in the room, and Becky tells me that they started going at it, but part way in Dan told her he didn't want to fuck her anymore and made her stop. Dan's response? "I am a snake. Do you know what snakes do? They slither and they fuck".

 

I had my old high school friend Pat up for the weekend my freshman year.

I had gone off to a university, and was a good semester into partying, drinking, etc. Pat didn't get in, so he spent the year living at home, going to community college, and not drinking. So it begins.

He arrives and the first thing we do is start hitting a bottle of Hot Damn 100 proof. Pat had drank beer in the past, but was new to hard liqour. He starts chasing shots with beer. I try to slow him down, but he's determined to finish the fifth.

Then on to the bars with multiple shots, sloppy game at fat chicks, "let's go back to my friend's dorm, we don't have to have sex, I just want to cuddle". It was hilarious.

Back to the dorm sans the fat chicks after Pat offers to buy the biggest ham hock of a chick "all the sloppy joes you can inhale in 20 minutes".

He proceeds to puke on my futon. After going up to my loft to crash, I could swear I heard him jacking off on my futon. In my current state, I think I'm just paranoid.



Next morning, we're at the cafeteria for breakfast, runny eggs and hash browns. So good so far. As we're leaving, a tour group is walking thru the cafeteria as Pat sprints by them and vomits all over the walkway. The smell of eggs, bile, beer, and hashbrowns cleared that tour pretty quickly.

 

I went to a bumfuck school in the middle of nowhere in East Texas my first year of college and had a steady girlfriend that was light years hotter than most of the trailer trash that also attended my school. Needless to say, I didn't ever go after the common campus slut. One of my three roommates, however, constantly went after them.

I had three roommates. One of them was a Jesus freak who kept to his room most of the time. He was actually a good kid and would often DD for us when we went out on the weekends.

Another was a sophomore on the basketball team. He was a really cool guy, I felt bad for him that he was thrown into an apartment with three freshmen who knew nothing of college, but he handled it pretty well. He sort of took us under his wing and took us to a lot of parties we had no business going to.

The third roommate is the mother of all douchebags. Seriously, the worst human being I have ever met in my entire life. Ever. He dipped, and would put paper towels at the bottom of our cups and spit into them. This prompted me to buy red cups for myself because I never wanted to drink out of anything that once had his spit at the bottom of them [plus, this helped save me from having to do any dishes]. He also had a penchant for bring the absolute ugliest, skankiest hoes in the entire school back to our place and taking advantage of them. He would then brag about them to the rest of us after they left, and we would proceed to mock and laugh at him. I wonder if it would be wrong to post Facebook pictures of some of these hoes. I won't for now, I will just describe them.

-One was a bleached blonde with an annoyingly high-pitched voice and no eyebrows. She would draw them on sometimes, a lot of times she didn't and looked like one of her friends shaved them while she was asleep. She also had the nastiest feet I have ever seen in my entire life. She came over one night and took off her sandals and I felt very sick. I can't even begin to tell you why they were so terrible looking because it is making me gag right now. Anyways, this fucking guy would always ask to borrow my movies [I have a binder of about 300 movies that I burned off of my computer] and he would never return them to their original place. Anyways, they got through about an hour of Dude Where's My Car [hilariously this was this guy's favorite movie, along with Gone in 60 Seconds, I think I saw parts of these movies about 100 times during my two semesters there] before they heading into his room. The noises that came from there were highly disturbing. As soon as she left he had a stupid fucking smile on his face and he started talking about it. We all busted up laughing.

-One had a MASSIVE overbite. After he hooked up with her, my basketball roommate asked him if she was able to blow him without his dick physically being in her mouth.

-One had really bad stained teeth because I imagine she began smoking while she was still in the womb. She actually was a pretty nice person so I genuinely felt bad for her since she was hanging out with my douche of a roommate. I think she wised up before she ever banged him because she wasn't around long.

There were plenty more that were equally gross but I wanted to tell a few stories that involve my basketball player roommate.

B-Red is his name, and B-Red had a smoking hot girlfriend that went to the University of Houston that would come to visit once or twice a month. She was really nice, often cooked for all of us, made brownies, and hungout with us while her boyfriend was at practice. I think my douchey roommate took this as flirting because he would seriously hit on her when B-Red wasn't around.

I had the room that's wall was shared by B-Red, and every time his girlfriend came over I could hear through the wall what was going on. I played my music loud and tried blocking it out, but it didn't do much. Sometimes it was just too hilarious. You could hear her screaming into her pillow [muffled screams] and I would try hard not to laugh. What was especially funny about all of this was one of the times where he wasn't around and we were all talking. His girlfriend mentioned in passing something about her being a virgin, and I laughed out loud and didn't say anything. When I confronted B-Red about it, he laughed and said, "Yeah man she only lets me put it in her ass, and to her that means she is still a virgin. I dunno man I don't give a shit as long as she lets me plow somethin'." I busted up laughing and just played along with it whenever she was around.



Another story is one that sort of pisses me off, but looking back it is kinda funny. We lived in on-campus apartments, 4 to a place. One night my basketball roommate and my douchebag roommate brought a rack of Keystone home and a couple of girls came home. I was playing a couple of online poker tournaments at the time so I was just hanging out in my room most of the night. B-Red threw me a couple of beers. I planned on coming out to the living room and hanging out once I was knocked out of all my games. I actually got pretty deep in something so this never happened.

Anyways, we had one of those Nerf basketball hoops attached to our front door. My roommates and the two females were playing basketball and drinking beer. Apparently, one of the campus security guards was walking around outside our place and could hear people inside going "Take a shot! Take a shot!" We had no hard alcohol, so they could have only been talking about the basketball. I was in the kitchen making some cinnamon toast when a loud knock on the door happens and there he is, the campus pig. I immediately get super fucking pissed off because I was just caught in the cross hairs when I could have been in my room. B-Red already had an MIP and knew he was going to be suspended from the team, so he BAILED out of the window. We were on the second story. He ran and got away, but one of the girls spilled his name [not like they wouldn't have figured it out anyways]. The pig told us to call him and if he returned he wouldn't get in extra trouble. As soon as he came back, they cuffed him and took him away while the other pig looked through our house for the hard alcohol we must have hidden. They don't find anything but the empty beer cans everywhere are enough to give us all MIPs. So, I got a $300 ticket and 4 hours of Mothers Against Drunk Driving and 4 hours of some other bullshit class on drinking for drinking exactly TWO BEERS.

 

I was never a Rez kid because I believe that it's cruel for the horniest age of men to live in the same building with the hottest age for women, who will want NOTHING to do with them because they are trying to crawl up the legs of the pre-meds or other guys with "potential"

I live in London my whole life, home of The University Of Western Ontario (which has literally the hottest chicks this side of Arizona State) and Fanshawe College (which has the biggest low-life sluts in the solar system). Though I've had plenty of lucky/drunken"Hang a belt on the door knob" nights in Rez, my favourite moment had to be the laundry incident.

My one class friend's roomate (for a college student) was great at budgeting, and helped his roomates figure out how to spend the maximum amount of money on beer and weed while still not starving or getting thrown out onto the street. One of his "brilliant" budgeting ideas was save money on the overpriced laundry machines in the Rez that only did half a load every 2 hours.

Sure, it SOUNDS great. However, Numbnuts thought it would be bright to do laundry in his bath tub with no prior knowledge on this task. Face it, guys in college do laundry like R. Kelly chaparones a school dance. He'd fill the tub with hot water, then dump lemon dish soap and half a tube of toothpaste, then stir in with a fucking canoe oar. Oh, it worked smashingly. Watching him go to class with all his clothes looking like he just got back from a bukkake session with 20 Peter Norths was a lot more memorable than the nameless girls we all tore through in college.

 

Here I though this was going to be a thread about life on the reservation. Alternate focus perhaps?

 

I am a lazy asshole and have already posted this story in this thread, but it is by far the best Rez story I have, so here you go.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

It's Wednesday, it's around 3 AM, and I am in an all girls dorm wearing nothing but pair of boxers. The fire alarm had just gone off at the worst possible time.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

The alarm starts reaching near deafening proportions. It literally sounds like a bunch of crickets on crack.

I actually try to get up. But have you ever been so shit housed you can't even move? It was like my body refused my conscious will in some sort of drunken defiance. So I just lay there like an invalid hoping the alarm will finally shut the fuck up.

Minutes later, these two guys decked in firefighter gear bust into the room, which at the time looked like something out of a scifi horror film. They order me to get out. I try to get dressed, but its really no use in my current state, so they just shove me out of the room.

I stumble outside and it is bitter fucking cold. You could of hung meat outside. My balls have receded into my stomach, right next to my kidneys. Of course, I am the only guy out there amidst of sea of girls and wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. I contemplate how awesome this would be if 1.) I hadn't drunk enough beer to kill a small blue whale and 2.) The cold hadn't acted like David Blain and magicked my dick away. To make matters worse, the girls are finding this hilarious and won't leave me alone. I should have found one of them to hide inside for warmth. Instead, I regained enough of my consciousness to remember how annoying it would be to be fined for violating coed curfew. So, I tell my friend to bring me my clothes, and I go over and hide in the woods, like I am the fucking Yetti or something.

I easily stand half naked in the 'fuck me' cold for at least another twenty minutes before they let everyone back inside.

The funniest thing is that there wasn't even a fire, some fine example of humanity had just pulled the alarm. Fuck that guy.

 

I am a little pissed because I kind of wasted my first (and only) year in the dorms. I didn't get along with my roommate and it caused me to not make as many friends as I should. I still had a decent time but it could have been so much better

However, I more than made up for it the following year when I fully realized my potential as a drunken idiot. This has also spilled into the current year.

 

Hold on, I found the top of this post torn off and on the floor over here...

 

I lived in the dorms almost my entire time in college but don't have any good hookup stories for one reason: I was one of those smart kids that decided that a serious long-term relationship was just what I needed in college. My freshman year I was still shaking off the residual high school awkwardness so I didn't do very well with the girls. Sophomore year I started to hit my stride but just as things were looking good on the girl front, I found myself in a relationship. The relationship, in and of itself, was pretty good. We loved each other and all that sappy stuff, but looking back I realize it was a mistake. I spent all of my time with her so I didn't make many new friends after my freshman year and I missed out on a lot of the things that make college awesome.

I don't mean to sound bitter about this because that relationship taught me a lot and probably kept me out of trouble in college but if I had it to do again, I'd stay single or at least not get so wrapped up with one girl that I miss out on a bunch of the cool stuff.

 

I've got a bunch of stories. This one in particular highlights my idiocy.

One time dorm security came knocking when we were having a little party, and I decided that my best course of action was to hide from them in the shower. I heard the security people knocking, freaked out, and immediately sprinted into the bathroom. At the time, this made complete sense.

It took me a few moments, but after entering the shower I realized that I was not the only person there.

Earlier in the night, my buddy and this random girl at the dorm party had disappeared. We all figured they just went back to his room. Unbeknownst to us, they had actually gone to our shower to make out.

When I entered the shower in the pitch black bathroom, I stumbled directly into them. By the time all of us realized what was going on, we could hear that dorm security was inside the suite and interrogating my roommates on the other side of the bathroom door. The three of us immediately stopped moving and became as quiet as we could.

When presented with the options of facing dorm security, or staying in the shower with my friend (shirtless) and the girl he was frisking moments before, I opted for the latter. Again, at the time, this made perfect sense.

We quietly pulled the curtain in front of us and we all stood there in the moldy shower, waiting and fearing not just that we would get in trouble for having the party, but that we would all be caught together in the shower, some of us half naked.

After a few minutes of hiding, the girl began to get restless, and started trying to make out with my friend again, with me still in the shower. He shoved her off, and the noise caused security to open the bathroom door and peek inside. I guess they decided that there was either no one in the shower, or that they didn't want to find out who was, because they closed the door and eventually left.

My friend did end up hooking up with the girl later that night, and I never got in trouble with dorm security, so things turned out alright.