Just ran out to get some festive Wild Turkey. Ran into Dylan McDermott. I delivered a Christmas tree to his house several years ago. The tree was fucking huge, and we had to bring it in through the window, and then spent a half an hour setting it up. Fucker didn't bother to tip. Cheap bastard.
I called my real mom to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Her parting words were "I wish I'd had two or three children instead of just you so I didn't feel like a failure." Gee thanks mom. Now my Thanksgiving is complete. Guess what mom? You would've fucked the others up too.
So last night, my buddy decided it was a good idea to try some of my ambien that was just lying around. He did this randomly before we left my condo to head to the bar. He starts giggling in the elevator and says, "dude, I took one of your blue pills, what's going to happen?" I told him that they were sleeping pills and that he'll probably need to go to bed very soon. Well, he ended up not going to bed, for a long time. He invited a girl over that we both know, that he used to hook up with. He stopped hooking up with her because he now has a girlfriend. He ends up fucking her in my bed. In the morning, he wakes up, rolls over and asks, "what the hell are you doing here?" to the girl he had hooked up the night prior. He has NO recollection of anything after he took my ambien. Nothing. After he drops the girl off in the morning, he calls me to fill him in. He now has to tell his new girlfriend that he cheated, if he even does. All I can say is wow. It just goes to show you that you can't be like me and take ambien while drinking. Otherwise, you really fuck up.
I have a small family. Some past Thanksgivings have consisted of just me, my mom and my stepdad. This year, we decided to drive a few hours to my stepsister's house in Pennsylvania to eat with her, her husband and her three kids. Her three kids are satan spawn. I seriously wonder if she feeds them the blood of innocents. Somewhere between the youngest girl pissing herself (she's 4) and the oldest son declaring he hates all the food and throwing his loaded plate on the ground (he's 7) I wished I was eating by myself at Dennys. During the meal, my stepsister thought it would be funny to ask me "if I was being safe with my new girlfriend" followed by "Is she naughty?" With my mother at the table. So yeah, I could have used a drink. But the best part? My stepsister is a staunch hater of alcohol and not a drop of wine was served. It's not all bad though. My mom hates the children too (they call her grandma), and now we're on our second bottle of wine and watching the first competitive football game of the day together. I haven't seen her since March so it's kind of cool. After this bottle of wine I have a shit ton of beer in the fridge so tonight will soon, finally, feel like a holiday.
Hot damn! Life is looking up. I ran out of booze and I'll be damned if I'm going to drive 20 miles for more but then I noticed a bottle of sleeping pills someone had given me because they had an allergic reaction to them. They are labeled Zolpidem Tartrate 10mg. A quick Google search just told me these are Ambien. A couple of these fuckers and I'll be fast asleep or at least exploring the Cosmos by 9PM. Fuck it, it's not like I have a hell of a lot to do tonight anyways...a case of beer, a couple of buds, and 2 Ambien. Throw in a bunch of family drama, stir it with a parent telling you that they're a failure because of you, add a hamburger for breakfast...and....ah yes, now that's Thanksgiving in my family. EDIT: Make it 3 buds. (Damn my tolerance came back quickly.) If I'm going to visit the Cosmos, I'm going to head for the weirdest, most fucked up 3 headed goat eating a pickle with artichokes for limbs part of it. Wait. Do pickles have limbs? Never mind, where I'm headed they do. And with any luck those artichoke limbs will turn into a mass of tits. In Zero gravity. Now that's the way to go to sleep....surrounded by zero gravity titties. Now I'm in a happy place.
Love it. I'm just waiting to see if you hit 70 posts in one thread like I did a couple of weeks ago. That shit fucks you up and makes it so you fuck a girl that's not your girlfriend, and not remember any of it.
I've often wished for zero gravity titties for myself but then I remembered if that were to happen I wouldn't be able to see anything.
Don't tell me that shit. I live out in the sticks and the best I'll be able to do is find a willing (Or unwilling) bobcat. Those things will fuck you up if they're unwilling. Especially if they're male. They don't go for that shit. (Don't ask me how I know this. Ok, it was dark.)
Just got back from family thanksgivings, just for shits I weighed myself at noon before going..160lbs, weighed myself when I got back about a hour ago...172lbs. Football and beer await...I feel sorry for my bathroom tomorrow.
I'm laying low until saturday. That is when the gorilla suit comes on. This weekend means NOTHING to our country, while you celebrate it by the best football weekend of the year, food that we also enjoyed a month and a half ago (with the exception of the psychotic casserole that some of you make. What the fuck is that, compost!?!?!), and trampling security guards to death in cold blood just so you can get $50 off on a fucking flatscreen with a name like "Paniony" on the label. Enjoy battling the biggest rejects of society known to man tomorrow at dawn, my southern fried MoFo's. I pity you and I'll say a prayer for your battle. "Steve walks wearily down the street with his brim pulled way down low...."
Of course not. You weren't even settled when the pilgrims sat down with the injuns and had a wonderful meal. You were lucky to have even had a white man there. Think about it. America was settled on the notion of religious freedoms in New England, and the exotic lure of gold (The Southern bits). People settled Canada looking for animals to make into hats, and trying to find some mystical passage in the northwest. Also, your police are called "mounties"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nevermind that Thanksgiving was celebrated in what is now Canada by Martin Frobisher long before your funny-hat wearing pilgrims could stop practising a brand of Christianity so oppressive that the British didn't want them anymore long enough to spend a few hours preparing a nice meal once a year. If by religious "freedom", you mean the "freedom" to conduct the Salem witch trials, then by all means, go right the hell ahead and hog it all yourself. At least my hat keeps me warm in the winter.
"Blah blah blah, something about Thanksgiving and Canada, something something" Get the fuck out with your hats and maple leaves and history. Today is about eating and shopping and that's it. Stop trying to ruin the fun. I'm house sitting all week, so after the clusterfuck family dinner, I now have a gigantic house all to myself and a whole keg of beer that the family insisted I drink for them. Why yes, ma'am, I think I will take you up on that.
How are you even a country? I mean, you have over 80% of your population amassed on our border. What are you doing there, so close to us. Trying to come in and give us your funny money to pay for our healthcare?
I had to look up whether Canada had a millitary. To my surprise, they actually do. Color me fucking shocked. Anyone have any good pranks to pull on people waiting in Black Friday store lines? I'm feeling like that it's my obligation to fuck with them, I just don't know how.
Currently at work, working on a leftover plate that consists of: 40% smoked stuffing 40% mashed potatoes 20% smoked turkey How I made it though the day with stupid not just in stereo, but surround fucking sound, stone sober I'll never know. Fucking twin brothers in law and the one's wife, are total dipshits. Sometimes I wonder if they play "The Re-Peter" just to piss me off. Fuck, back to the studio. Does anyone listen at 3:30am on Black Friday? Like 10 people?
Mmm. $7.50 for a 40oz pitcher at the bar tonight. Combine with the fact I've barely eaten a thing all day, and I am one happy camper. Hey, you know what? That shit has stopped being funny for all of the heavy casualties we've taken in Afghanistan. And considering the very high number of Canadians on this board who are serving or former members of the CF, making jokes about it isn't funny when their very real brothers and sisters are fighting and dying as you sit there stuffing yourself full of turkey and booze and shopping for cheap electronics afterwards. Also, you spelled colour wrong. Canadians run this place, and you will spell as if the Queen were watching from now on.
Fuck yes. The weekend is finally here, the world better watch out because I'm ready to fuck it in it's beady little ass with my drunk as hell mind-cock. Only after I dry hump the shit out of women at my first night of dance lessons*. *Yeah, dance lessons. Fuck you.
Jack and coke + introducing my dad to the awesomeness that is Season One of Dexter + Thanksgiving leftovers = An awesomely drunk way to spend my Friday night home on break.