Give me all the food you can for 7 dollars please!!!

As previously mentioned in the Christmas Drunk Thread, my stomach and I are at war with one another right now. The reason? Three 7-11 taquitos, a bag of Muncho's potato chips, and some spaghetti combined with beer at 3:30 AM after a hectic night of drinking whiskey.

When intoxicated, my will-power goes straight out the window. It's frustrating because I seem to be caught in this rut where anytime I make progress at the gym, a couple nights of drunken nights can fuck it all up.

Focus: What's your favourite 'drunk' food? Are you the type who can muster the energy to cook for yourself, or are you a pizza/fast-food, little effort as possible type of eater?

Anti-focus:

Surely there was a time where you were drunk, and hungry, and ordered something or cooked something so savage, and so terrible that you blush just talking about it. Lets here it!

 

I live a half-mile from the Mecca of intoxicated cuisine, Waffle House. So when I'm shit housed I call in my usual order, a triple order of hash browns, scattered, covered, and chunked. To the uninitiated this means my has browns will be spread out, with generous chunks of diced ham cooked on top and then covered with glorious cheese. Add about a gallon of ketchup and you have drunken culinary heaven. The best part is that it costs about three bucks.

 

Focus: Waffle House / IHOP breakfast food. Preferably sausage biscuits with gravy and a side of hash browns. Although, during college it was convenience store chili dogs.

Anti-focus: Also, during college, we stole some McDonald's french fries off the delivery truck, and later tried to bake them in the oven with buffalo wing sauce on them. We ate the disgusting half-cooked mess with our fingers. One of my prouder moments.

 

Street Meat. Nothing beats sidewalk-cooked hot dogs.

 

There is a debate, and you are on the losing side. Taco Bell clearly beats McDonald's in both the value and quality categories. Volcano Tacos? Beef & Potato Burritos? Nacho Cheese Chalupas? All for under $2?

Keep your grey burgers and soggy fries. I might shit the bed in my sleep, but I'll dream the dreams of satisfied men.

 

Taco Bell has been my long time drunk food of choice. Cheesy Gordita Crunches taste like Heaven after a long night of pounding Coors Lights.

Alt Focus:

Back when I was in grad school at a Private University (Read: very broke), some friends and I spent a night at one of the guys' apartment drinking copious amounts of cheap beer. Of course being broke we decided to just cook up whatever he had around, which consisted solely of Ramen noodles, canned green beans, and Tabasco Sauce. We went ahead and threw it all together and I'm not sure to this day but I think he even added some malt vinegar to the mix.

I will never forget that taste and the rubbery feel of the green beans mixed in with those noodles, but dammit I was drunk and hungry so I ate every last bite.

 

There are two kinds of people in this world. People who can stomach Taco Bell without getting sand in their vagina, and Canadians. Put it to a vote, my friend. If Taco Bell doesn't beat that slop by a wide margin, this won't be a world I want to live in anyway.

 

Panda Express. Some orange chicken is great under the influence.

 

I used to cook at the only restaurant in town that was open when the bars closed down at 2 AM. It amazed me what the drunks would order and then eat.

Let me preface this with the fact that in about a 15 minute time frame our empty restaurant would suddenly have about 200 people in it, all drunk, all hungry, and asking for their food to be prepared just right. I was the only cook.

Needless to say, I would flip the fuck out when some jack ass specifically asked for something well done. At any given moment I'd have 50 fucking eggs on the grill, 15 omelets, 200 strips of bacon, 50 sausage patties, along with a huge mound of hashbrowns and 12 hamburgers trying desperately to keep the grease away from the eggs. It was ultimately a losing battle and I sent out some of the most God awful food known to man.

The drunks didn't care. It was good and greasy and it got to them quickly so their hunger was pacified in a quick and timely matter.

That brings me to the fuckwads that acted like they were ordering from a 5 star restaurant. "I want my hash browns and bacon well done with my eggs over easy with just a hint of the white still jellied." Guess what Skippy? I could give a fuck about your tender palette. You want well done bacon and hash browns served to you within 5 minutes while I'm trying to feed 200 drunks all at once?

Fuck you.

I'd throw the bacon and hash browns in the deep fryer and send it out. I actually tasted some of that fryer bacon once and it was awful. One bite of it and it sucked every bit of moisture out of your mouth. I could never bring myself to try the fryer hash browns, they just looked to damn nasty.

You want your toast burned? Once again, fuck you. I had two 4 slice toasters and I needed to send this shit out quick. I don't have the time to send your toast through the toaster 4 times. I'd slather a couple of pieces of bread with butter, throw them on the grill with all the accumulated grease and throw a steak weight on top of them until they were black as tar.

Surprisingly, no one ever complained.

My only regret is that I never sent out the omelet I kept threatening to make. A cod omelet. Jesus, that would've been as bad as Ipecac.

 

Depends on the region you are in.

Middle East: Schawarmas are key. Flatbread, rotisserie chicken or lamb from a street cart, and mild or spicy sauce. Vegetables occasionally at the fancier carts.

Mediterranean: Gyros. Like Schawarmas, but thicker pita, different sauce, and pretty much only lamb. I had some in Crete that damn near took my breath away.

Midwest: Anything that has cheese.

South: Waffle House, obviously

Southwest: tex/mex or straight up mexican. Chicken rolled tacos with sour cream and guac. California burritos the size of your head for $3.15. I lived in San Diego for five years and I'm still baffled as to why cop cars aren't posted up by all the drive through mexican places at 2 AM on weekends. They would fill their DUI quota for the year in like, two nights.

Northeast, I don't know. Haven't found a good drunk food spot between Maryland and DC yet.

 

Native to the southeast, Zaxby's chicken and their zax sauce is the best combination of vinegar, spices, and grease this earth has ever concocted.

 

All of my buddies LOVED Taco Bell. They loved the messy fucking food, the late (at the time) drive-thru, and they loved to harass the employees there. It's not a huge "drunk food" for me since I never get a craving for and maybe eat it 6 or so times a year. I only eat the plain "soft tacos" there when smashed. Anything else, and I'll soon be seeing it in reverse.

 

I would never make the mistake of calling Taco Bell "Mexican food". That does not mean I wouldn't put my dick in it.

 

I think the worst thing that a human being can do to themselves is eat Taco Bell immediately before boarding an airplane.

Focus:

Diner food. Specifically 3 eggs up, hash browns, and a double chocolate milkshake. And GOD HELP YOU if you forget the toast. Diner toast is the best compliment that was ever added to a meal in the history of food. It's better than the naked asian girl featured at certain sushi restaurants that lets you eat off of her. It's so simple, yet amazing. Those buttery, delicious traingles smothered in Smuckers grape jelly. It's just the tits.

 

Taco Bell should be aborted from this world.

If I'm at school, no doubt I'll get a garbage plate. For those unfamiliar with this WNY delicacy, it's a mix mash of (usually) 2 cheeseburgers, mac salad, some form of french fries, onions, mustard/ketchup, and this meaty hot sauce thrown on top. Prob enough calories and fat to last a week. Good lord I love garbage plates.

If I'm somewhere else though, it's usually just McD's. sigh.

Though there was the one place I went when I was out in Seattle. I want to say it was called "Dick's Cheeseburgers"
Was a walk-up only establishment, with the big ass glass window front. Everything was priced individually - the burger, the cheese, the condiments. But you could create all kinds of monstrosities, and get an order of fries thrown in a bag. By the time you paid and walked the 50 or so feet to a table nearby, the grease would nearly destroy the bag. Perfect Drunk food.

 

I don't know how, in my first post, how I could have forgotten the wondrous delight that is Whataburger. I don't know if you can find one outside the mid-southwest, but if you can I highly recommend the Whataburger with cheese. They have that perfect combination of pickles and mustard and the whole thing seems to come together just right.

I love those fucking things when I'm cold sober. When I'm drunk, they are the food of the Gods.

 

Souvlaki w garlic sauce and cheese, or on poorer days, hot chips with chicken gravy creating a warmish coagulated mess to delve into at the bottom of the bag.

 

See, what I don't understand is people's misconception about the WaHo: The Waffle House is the fucking TRUTH people. Are there bad one's? Sure, but there's also like 15,000 of the motherfuckers so you're likely to run into one sooner or later. But to sum it up waffle house is fast, cheap and the food is [somewhat] quality and consistent.

I, like Dmix always get the scattered, smothered, chunked; it just makes good sense. However, instead of Ketchup I pile on the Heinz 57 sauce with a lil' bit'o Tabasco. I also on get the single order because I shovel down a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich or the Patty Melt every time I go.

 

That's not saying much. Might as well be drinking directly from the dick.

FOCUS: Sadly, I will put major effort into stuffing my face when pissed up. I wish this was the same mindset I had for everything else while sober.

Countless times I've sat on my kitchen floor, usually accompanied by friends or my old lady, with a bag of potatoes, a peeler, a cutting board and a deep fryer. We sit there and fry potatoes in small batches and eat them with whatever condiments are in the fridge.

The record thus far is a full 20 lbs. sack of potatoes between four people. I fear that one day we may break that record. My deep-fried potato intake is truly heroic, along with my cholesterol.