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Getting Laid (Over)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by DrFrylock, Sep 28, 2010.

  1. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    I just got back from a cross-country trip, which means I had to hassle airports and time zones. Airports have never been a great place to hang out, but when I was growing up there was still a tiny bit of Catch Me if you Can-style romance left in the notion of being part of the "jet set."

    In the last 5-10 years, that's evaporated completely. 9/11 was the beginning of the end - all the airports configured for people to wait at the gates for their loved ones became clusterfucks as we only let people with boarding passes through security. All the good restaurants and places to hang out are always on the wrong side of security (whichever side you're on), and nobody would willingly go through the strip-down procedure to get through more than once. It used to be that if I checked in early, a friendly gate agent would not only give me an exit row or an Economy Plus seat, but also put me on standby for any earlier flights that were available. Now, moving up into an empty Economy Plus seat costs $69 and going FUCKING STANDBY on a flight is $50. $50 for the CHANCE to get a seat that is otherwise going to be empty on an earlier flight. Fucking eh.

    Because of all this, my cross-country flights involved me sitting in tiny-ass coach behind a raft of open Economy Plus seats, and sitting in two airports for FIVE HOUR layovers because they would not put me standby on an earlier flight which left with empty seats onboard. I had work to do so five hours wasn't awful, but even at the larger airports the places to sit and plug in my laptop are haunted by ghoulish humans who monopolize them all.

    FOCUS: What are your tips for surviving long layovers in airports? What is your favorite airport to lay over in, and what's your least favorite? Do you have any tips for travelers with a 4-5 hour layover in a particular airport to get out and do something interesting, but get back before they miss their flight?
     
  2. Luke 217

    Luke 217
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    I know I'm not leading off with the focus, but here are some tips to flying Southwest.

    Back when I used to have a big boy job I had a 5 state territory and was on a plane 4 times a week. I had little tricks and tips to flying the Greyhound of the sky, which are as follows:

    1) Know the busy and slow schedules.
    This typically means taking the early morning flight, instead of the convenient 11 am one. This is two-fold. Typically the airport will be just opening, there will be less people, less assholes, and many many less babies crying at that hour. Secondly, the plane is not full. And when you fly Southwest this is a fucking must. Like you, I've been smushed between Kevin Smith and the Blindside chick for a 3 hour flight, and by the end of it I smelled like a ham sandwich with extra mayo left overnight between a hot radiator fin. It sucks. So know your flights and which ones are full.
    Of course there are flights that are always full. Like flying out of Las Vegas. (I always took the 6:30 am flight in, and it never had more than 10 people on it) But getting out of Vegas is always a pain in the dick, because the flights are always full. So you'll need to follow my other rules noted below.

    (There is another little tip that I've never told anyone. So I'm gonna spill it here and now. You know when you go to a strip club and you want to sleep with that hot stripper, but you have no chance, and your best option is to hit on the cocktail waitress, or barback? Well, catch an early flight into Vegas on Thursday afternoon, or Friday morning. Depending on where you're flying in from the plane might be lousy with hot strippers filing in for the weekend to make some cachinga's. You'd be astounded to know that many of the strippers only fly in for the weekend, and don't live in Vegas.
    Now instead of being that unapproachable hot stripper who dances to your favorite NIN song, they're vulnerable, and off of their game. They are now at the level of moderately attractive cocktail waitress, and you have the upper hand. They are on your home turf (your turf is anywhere outside a strip club dummy), you have the advantage, and you have them all to yourself for about an hour. Congratulations, you are having a first date with a hot stripper, and you are laying the groundwork to close on that later.)

    2) Make sure no one sits next to you.
    Most of the Southwest flights are close to full. What this means typically is that there is only going to be a few open seats. So how do you ensure that no one sits next to you? Follow this 6 step program:
    a) Take the fucking seat in front of the bulkhead,,,no one wants to sit there since the seats do not recline. Never under any circumstance, sit in the back of the plane. Why? Because people will always go to the back of the plane believing that there is a better seat than the one next to you. (if I know the plane is gonna be close to full, I always grab a row with someone already sitting in it next to the window. So the only option is for a potential seat taker is to have the middle seat) Also,,,always sit where the overhead bin is full,,,always. People like to sit by their shit. They don't want to travel back to the overhead bin when the plane is de-boarding to get their crap.
    b) Never ever make eye contact with other passengers that are boarding, while you are already seated. I know, I know. Its tough. Its human nature to people watch, but don't do it. When you make eye contact you are inviting conversation, and you know what that conversation is gonna be? "Is that seat taken?"
    c) Immediately after sitting and not making eye contact, open up your laptop (preferably),,,,or a book or magazine.... but nonetheless, make sure the tray table is down, and you are busy. Too busy to interrupt.
    d) Put some of your shit in the middle seat. Books, work stuff, that shitty travel granola, and USA Today that you paid 8 dollars for in the overpriced book store at the airport will finally come in handy. And also, lean over into the middle seat as much as possible. The point here is to make that middle seat seem as small as possible, and making it a huge pain in the ass for a person to occupy it. Fuck em. They can occupy the one at the back of the plane between two diabetic sumo wrestlers. Its not your fault they didn't check in early and get an "A" ticket.
    e) (this is probably the most important point) Have earphones in. This way you can avoid people talking to you ("excuse me sir is that seat taken?" Completely ignoring her, "Excuse me sir?" Continue Ignoring...Typically after two try's they give up.)
    f) This is very important.. Possibly should go in the top three.....Have a shitty scowl on your face at all times..Do not under any circumstance look fucking remotely happy to be on that airplane much less the planet.. This works twofold, One, most people are afraid of you and won't sit next to you, Two, if they do sit next to you they are afraid to make any fucking conversation.. So even if the plane is full, they won't even try to talk to you.

    3) Headphones
    I stated this in line item "e", but lets go over it again. Do not travel without some sort of headphones, earbuds, MP3 player, Walkman, what the fuck ever.
    Not having my headphones on me makes me a huge Abortion Rights advocate. Kill all of the screaming children. And not quickly, but painfully while their mouths are muffled with dirty socks jammed in them. Seriously, there was a fucking screaming kind right behind me last weekend on a flight,,, But I was walking on whispy clouds of cotton in Shangri-La because I was listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain and the melodic tones of Roxette blaring in my fucking ears. You could have dropped a level 2 Hydrogen bomb in the lavatory,, and I would have only felt the shock waves. Headphones are better than fucking Secanol.


    If you follow these rules, I guarantee you that unless the flight is full, no one will sit next to you. It has stood the test of time, and has been mathematically improved over time to ensure that you don't have to deal with people. I put in the work people, and you get to benefit from it. You can thank me later.


    As to the Focus:
    I guess my favorite airport is SLC. But that's only because I knew every bartender in every terminal. Three of them were close personal friends of mine, and at any given time at least one of them was working. So contrary to everything I've ever witnessed in every fucking airport in the world, I got great service from bartenders at an airport. I know. Fucking weird.
     
  3. Frank

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    I hate waiting for flights, no matter what I bring with me I'm always bored, there's just that sense of entrapment that goes along with waiting for a plane. Only booze can distract me from the shittyness of waiting. That's why when I book a flight I make a mental note that I'm going to spend about $20/hour on top of the price of the ticket. If the [price of ticket with layover + $20/hour of layover > price of ticket for direct flight] I'll take the direct. I also factor in cost of free time if I'm on vacation.

    But yeah, drinking heavily in a bar is about the only tip I've got.
     
  4. Dr. Gonzo Esquire

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    I don't encourage drinking heavily before or during a flight. I'll usually have a drink or two but nothing more because then you'll just be getting up every 20-30 minutes to take a piss.
     
  5. effinshenanigans

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    I don't fly much, but my father flew enough for work that he became a Chairman's Club Preferred Member for US Airways. Whenever we'd have a layover, we'd always just go to the airport's US Air Club and hang out sitting on comfy sofas, eating free food, watching TV, and when I was old enough, drinking cheap beers.

    If you've ever got a layover in Charlotte and can get in the club there, do it. It's huge, and they had a full buffet with some great food.

    When I've flown without the luxury of chairman's clubs, I've just gone to a bar and hung out until my flight.

    That's why scotch on the rocks is the perfect go-to. It gets the job done with a fraction of the liquid.
     
  6. Harry Coolahan

    Harry Coolahan
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    Last time I flew, I was flying from Georgia to NY (about a 2 hour flight). Flight was at 6:30 a.m. so I woke up at 4 a.m. and go there around 5:30. At around 6 they informed us that the fucking compass on the plane broke and the nearest spare compass was being flown in from Chicago. Then the Chicago flight was delayed or canceled so it had to be flown in from Texas.

    We didn't end up leaving until like 1 p.m., which I wouldn't have cared much about if I hadn't woken up at that ungodly hour to catch the flight.

    How did they make up this delay to us? Free crackers. No, I'm not kidding. They just handed out those little peanut butter cracker things. Oh, and they were very insistent on "one per customer," I guess they didn't want people to confuse it for a fucking buffet. I took like 6 because that was going to be my lunch and also because fuck them.


    Thankfully at the time I was finishing a one-month camping trip so I used this time to do all the internet dickery that I didn't get a chance to do during that time. Probably the only legitimate excuse I've had to spend 8 hours straight surfing the internet.
     
  7. Bourbondownthehouse

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    1. Plan for the worst flying experience of your life every time. I generally bring at least one extra book or a couple of movies planning on getting a delayed flight.
    2. Despite the fact you will probably have headphones in listen to the announcements and be ready to move. Once while everyone else was complaining to each other and re packing all the shit their kids got out at the gate, I was able to make my way to a courtesy phone and get moved over to a non canceled flight where I rode first class for free.
    3.Ativan-especially if you wont be renting a car.
    4. This one is pretty obvious but CARRY ON YOUR BAGS. Even as a male you get a small backpack and a small suitcase. If your going to be somewhere for a week or less, you probably don't need to check. If you absolutely must, do the gate side last minute check thing.
    5. Dress for security. Shoes that slip on, no big belt buckles etc.
    6. It is possible to put a half pint plastic bottle of booze in a cargo short pocket or back pocket and smuggle it through.
     
  8. Turd Furgison

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    No need to sneak the half pint, buy a crap load of those airplane bottles, throw them in a clear plastic bag, throw them in a bin to be x-rayed and drink to your hearts content. Done this a couple of times with no hassles whatsoever.
     
  9. Ton80

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    Unless you are REALLY traveling to the middle of no-where or will be gone for more than a week, my razor and my deodorant are the only two toiletries I deal with. The first time you realize that it's completely worth the $7 it costs to pick up a toothbrush, travel toothpaste, and mini shaving cream when you get to where you're going, even at hotel gift shop prices in an effort to avoid the fucking ounces and ziplock bags and all that other bullshit is a good day. I can get to the gate, pull my laptop, take off my flip flops, and I'm through.
     
  10. Maltob14

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    Tip #1 NEVER GO TO CHARLES DE GAULLE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT It reeks of piss. And where it doesn't reek of piss it smells like shitty perfume. On a 13 hour layover I nearly went jihad on peoples ass from the boredom and frustration.

    Tip #2 I couldn't agree more with the need for a decent pair of headphones.

    Tip #3 A laptop with movies, magazines or a e-reader with some of your favourite books will go a long way as previously stated.

    Tip #3 Get one of those neck pillows.

    Tip #4 Travel light, preferably a backpack or something you can carry comfortably. Sometimes you can't for various reasons, which is fine but a backpack is fantastic if you decide to leave the airport to explore.

    Tip #5 Since you know where the hell you are going, always try and carry some local currency because currency exchange in airports is downright retarded.

    Tip #6 Abuse the ever-loving shit out of free liquor on your flight (if it's available).

    Tip #7 You're feet need to be taken care of. All those hours on the plane, walking everywhere and waiting in line is brutal. Take your shoes off when you're just sitting down somewhere. At the same time use some common sense you dirty mother fucker. Don't take your socks off, if you have foot odour issues leave your shoes on or deal with in some way and mind your surroundings, you can't just do this anywhere.

    My two favourite airports to lay over in are Heathrow and MTL Trudeau since I have some cousins near each one.
     
  11. silentshadow56

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    If you fly a lot and you let your miles accumulate you can get special status with certain airlines. For instance my dad travels a whole lot so he is what is considered a platinum elite with one of the airlines. He can go on a separate shorter line to check his baggage in (and not pay any additional fees), he can go on a separate shorter line through security, and when that is all said and done their is a separate presidents lounge he can get into. It's like a nice cafe almost with plenty of comfy chairs, areas to plug in your laptop, free newspapers, as well as coffee, juices, bagels, and cereal.

    When checking in there is a good chance that he will also be bumped up to first class for no additional charge as well as getting a companion upgrade so that anyone flying with him can tag along. There have been plenty of times where they have upgraded him as he got on the plane as there was an extra seat in first class. Not to mention he also gets to board the plane first and if its first class you also get to get off the plane first. The last real nice bonus about this is that they also take your luggage off the plane first so you don't have to stand around waiting for it to come off...

    So the glamor and glitz of the airport is still there you just have to fly enough to receive it. If you fly a lot for business its def. worth looking into
     
  12. Guy Fawkes

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    There's no fucking way I'm exiting the airport for any layover (stranding) of less than 8 hours. Unless there's a full contact strip club full of 10's within 5 minutes of the airport there is nothing interesting enough to go through check-in & security again for.

    My survival guide depends on one thing, whether or not I can get drunk during the layover.

    If I can get drunk I go find a airport map and find a non-chain sports bar/pub and make a beeline for it. The non-chains operate more like a real bar where you can get comped drinks and what not. Also they'll be far less crowded than the Chili's and it's ilk.

    If I can't get drunk I find the most empty gate area with a huge gap between the current time and the next time posted at the gate. Hopefully I'll be long gone before the 11PM to Budapest.

    Next find an outlet. Immediately plug gadgets into every outlet. It'll keep people from sitting on top of you because their laptop cord is too short & they absolutely-need-to-absolutely check their email asap.

    Technology is the greatest time killer during layovers. God bless it for that distraction alone. PdaNet is my favorite app ever.

    My least favorite airport is Philly. It's a narrow corridor'd shit hole with very few meal and bar options and it's crowded as fuck. It's also responsible for 75% of my layovers. If I'm flying through Philly I'm guaranteed to get stuck there.

    There is no romance in flying for me anymore. Even flying to an awesome vacation. I fly so much that any allure is long since gone and I won't enjoy myself regardless of destination until I slam that rental car door shut.
     
  13. seelivemusic

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    I don't travel for business so I'm sure I have a much different view than those poor souls but I do fly four or five times a year from BOS to LAX, SFO, & DFW. This is what works for me:

    1.0 I always check one large piece of luggage, a rigid side duffel with wheels. Easy to grab off the luggage thing and easy to wheel away from the other idiots.

    2.0 My carry-on is a backpack with my laptop and a hardshell case with my ipod, camera, blackberry, noise cancellation phones, kindle, & earbuds.

    3.0 I always work the day I plan to travel, that way I can sleep almost immediately.

    4.0 Nonstop is almost always worth the extra cash.

    5.0 Traveling with more than one or two other people totally sucks.

    6.0 I am a picky eater so I bring my own snacks.

    7.0 If I can't fly non-stop and have a layover or a delay I don't get pissed at airport assholes. I remove myself from the situation and get some exercise and fresh air.

    8.0 Having someone to meet you after a long flight is awesome and I return the favor as often as I can when people I know fly into Logan.

    9.0 Don't be an idiot and pay attn to the focus.
     
  14. Frebis

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    I travel every week for work, and unlike a lot of people I absolutely love it. A two hour commute means I have two hours to do work, sleep, drink, read, or even watch a movie. All that time I am also getting somewhere (this is the same reason I love public transit).

    Since I travel so much I have top tier status. Guess what that gets me? Well I can tell you it's been about a year since I haven't sat in first class (and never once have I paid for it). I have enough frequent flyer miles to go anywhere in the world for free. Im planning a round the world trip within the next two years. I also have a membership to the club lounges. This keeps me from dealing with idiots on a regular basis. And it gets me free beer!

    I can get 7 days worth of shit in my carry on/backpack combo so I rarely check a bag. I recomend you become good at packing too. It's hard to lose something when you are the only one responsible for it. Get a travel size bottle of tooth paste, and a travel size bottle of shaving creme.

    Get a credit card for whatever airline you fly most frequently. Most of these make it so if you do have to pack a bag it is free. They also give you enough miles for a free flight.

    Try to fly with the same airline all the time. If you get 30 segments with an airline it will make a world of difference with how fast you accumulate miles.

    Focus: Booze is your friend. 5 hours in an airport is five hours of drinking. My favorite airport to be laid over in is houston because they actually have good food. Almost everything in the Dallas airport is cheap as fuck. I also enjoy Charolette because it has a Bojangles, and a decent beer bar (Carolina Beer Company).
     
  15. Beefy Phil

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    My feelings about this topic are summed up from Minute 2:40 onward.



    There's other shit to worry about.
     
    #15 Beefy Phil, Sep 28, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  16. MrPrime

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    Favorite tip for airports.

    Instead of paying for internet through the shitty Boingo (or what ever service), you can get free internet from them.

    The software, for the most part, does not stop your browser from displaying .jpg images through their service. So if you append all your internet addresses with "?.jpg", it will display whatever site you want.

    For example, instead of typing <a class="postlink" href="http://www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard</a>, type <a class="postlink" href="http://www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard</a>?.jpg and it should display the page with no problems.

    I am sure someone can (or has) written up some firefox extension to do this automatically, but its not hard to add it yourself. Free is better than a boat load of cash per month for their internet
     
  17. TX.

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    My favorite airport is Atlanta Jackson-Hartsfield. The people-watching is ridiculous, especially after 11 pm. You meet a lot of interesting folks and see a lot of gold lame and spandex. Side note: probably not the safest environment for a skinny white girl, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.
     
  18. BL1Y

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    The biggest advantage I've found to flying early is that there are fewer delays. The #1 reason for delayed flights is that an earlier flight was delayed (usually weather). Since flights have 0 break when turning around, a delay on one trip means that plane is delayed for every other flight it has that day. The only time airlines have to catch up on delays is over night, so the morning flight is almost always on time. Only trouble is in small airports very few places are open to kill time.

    And a general tip for people with unavoidable layovers: If you're not using your limit on liquid carryons, pack a couple mini bottles. You can save yourself a buck at airport bars, or if you have a really late flight delayed, make a few bucks by selling them after airport bars close.
     
  19. AdrianSSS

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    Nadi Airport in Fiji (bula bula!) is one shitty place to have a layover. I had a five-hour wait there on my flights between Australia and LA and back again in 2008, once at night and once in the morning.

    On my first arrival in Fiji, I was starving and in desperate need of a beer. It was a ghost town when we arrived, at about 6:00pm local time. Barely a soul in sight, and none of the dozen or so duty-free shops were open. The sign at the food place was worth a laugh – the one that read: “Hot food served from 6:00am to 10:00pm daily!” This must be the “island time” that I’ve heard about.

    Staff members started to rock in at about 6:30 and all of a sudden the place was in full swing…but there was no ATM, so I couldn’t buy so much as a beer. I had a shitload of US currency, so I thought I'd ask at the bar. As it turns out, they did take greenbacks, so I wasted no time in sampling some of Fiji's equivalent of Schlitz - the aptly-named Fiji Bitter. Picture a Miller High Life, marinating a hotdog in it for a couple of hours, then bottling and refrigerating it. That's what a Fiji Bitter is. The bartenders really were on island time too, which was only a good thing for my sobriety.

    What I really loved though, was the completely random, arbitrary manner in which the service staff at the food joint/bar called out prepared orders. It sounded fairly regular to start with, but it degraded into chaos. One girl would call out order 33, soon to be followed by 81, then 6. Over the course of three hours, I reckon the only numbers I heard called out were 33, 81 and 6.

    On the way home it was worse. I had to collect and re-check my luggage in Fiji, and I was told I couldn't check it into my Brisbane flight for another three hours. Having run out of roll-on deodorant in LA, I had no way of making myself smell like a human being, so I spent some of my leftover Fijian dollars from the outbound journey on a can of spray that I probably had to throw out before I boarded anyway, but shower-in-a-can is as good as heaven. After trying to read, then sleep, then read more on a long leather couch in the domestic end of the terminal and fighting a losing battle with a mosquito plague, I gave up and wandered into one of the cafes for breakfast. Now, I don't know exactly what the exchange rate between the Fiji and US dollar was, but I am positive I got bent over and fucked roughly for the meal I bought. Apparently it was $15 Fijian for a plate of bacon, eggs, hash browns and tomato, but when I handed over a $US20 bill I got $3 in Fijian shrapnel returned. Fuck you, Fiji. Fuck you and all.
     
  20. Dr. Gonzo Esquire

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    I once flew from Detroit to San Francisco on Christmas morning. The airport was empty when I got there and people only started arriving once I was already at my gate peacefully enjoying my book. The best part: no crying kids on the flight. Best flight ever.

    Worst flight ever: Houston to Detroit. I was flanked by crying children on all sides and my iPod battery died mid-flight.