MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT DIRTBAG CUNT CHRIST!!!!! Ok, little bit of a public service announcement: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use trojan "fire and ice" condoms. About the time I was prepping for the grand finale, it hit like a shit ton of unwelcomed bricks, laden with cacti. I'd rather have scootah shove a rusted ass captain the hook up my asshole than deal with that shit. It was like a lethal injection of my boner. Holy FUCK!!! Upon experiencing the equivalent of a molten glass furnace being opened and directed upon my member, I jumped in the shower hoping to scrub myself of the lava which was now taking over my only means of procreation. I am not sure if it was the soap, or the water, but this made it worse. Much worse. You know when you use hand sanitizer, how the evaporating alcohol leaves you with a weird tingling feeling? Take that "tingling feeling," replace it with "like getting slowly cut with shards of rabid glass," and add to the shrills of you wife in the other room, shrieking "what the fuck did you do?!?!? Holy shit face FUCK!!!!" I am now sitting in a towel, with an electric heat pad on my crotch (it is the only thing that will marginally help) as my wife is scrubbing her va-jay-jay with a washcloth in the sink, attempting to transcribe the sheer pain I recently endured, for the sake of helping unknown e-people avoid such circumstances in the future. Pathetic? Maybe. But when I die, none of you fuckers will care, but I can promise you, each and every one of you will think twice before buying Fire and Ice condoms. That is my contribution to society. Last time I ever tell the wife to pick up condoms for me at the grocery store.....
Instantly thought of this Larry David quote when I saw that article. "We all know there are only two ways to hurt your neck: One is a car accident. The other is cunnilingus."
You know how sometimes on half hour sitcoms, there are these characters that are so ridiculous, that you think tp yourself, "Self, nobody is that ridiculous in real life"? Well, I saw one of those dudes today. True story: dude was in his front yard, wearing shorts and a wife beater shirt, Hunter S Thompson glasses, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth . . . while running his weedeater.
I designed one pair and it ended up being over 20 bucks, not including shipping. Fuck that noise. I'm going to buy a pair of undies, make some stencils, and use some acrylic paint to make em. Gooooood enough.
So I blew $40 on roulette, flirted and got my picture with an oblivious (but adorable) waitress, got fucked up, called some good friends I haven't talked to in a while, played some pool volleyball, was part of an epic game of dominoes, started playing guitar again, and made some progress on a task that's been bugging me for months. Not bad, weekend, not bad.
Cottage country was an awesome week. However, is is nice to come home to Central air after Satan took a firey shit on this part of the country a couple days ago. FUCK ME that was the hottest weather I have ever experienced in my life, and I have been to Death Valley.
"Fat Bottomed Girls" is my all time favorite song from Queen. I love everything about that song. Here's a live version.
We had a helluva time. I am still sore from skipping across the water after being flipped off a tube and am just sobering up. It turns out there's some fish in the lake too. I'd much rather be on a smaller lake with less people (i.e. just me) but the water was warm and the beer was cold. It turns out my family rented out a whole string of cabins along a cove, which was way better than my expectation of all 65 us being packed inside one place (which is how family get-togethers usually go). No party cove. My girlfriend wasn't quite up for it and her titties are better than whatever I'd see anyways.
What?..........Really? EDIT: I mean, it reads funny, but, is that really real? I don't know. I remember that one time I got the 'Nair' hair removal or some sort of equivalent (actually, I think it was called Neat) on my balls I can relate to what you write. But from a condom? Meh........