Crime: People at computer hardware shops who ask the one cashier behind the counter technical questions about computer hardware that the poor cashier has no hope of being able to answer. The cashier then has to call for one of the techs, who is most likely busy with something. The idiot customer won't actually go to the technical counter - they will stand in the way blocking the entire rest of the line waiting for the technician. All you wanted to buy was an Xbox controller/USB memory stick/spindle of DVDs... AR: Turn around and roll your eyes at the person standing behind you, or sigh loudly at your predicament. FR: Take the idiot in front of you and ram their face into the counter repeatedly and then throw them into the technical counter and drag them up and point out the huge Technical/Support sign hanging up and then calmly walk back to the counter, pay for your stuff and leave. Fuck, I really hate stupid people.
Okay, this just happened when I stopped at the store on the way home from work to pick up a few items. Crime: there is only one person working the deli counter, a blue hair who makes Betty White look like a high school freshman. She is waiting on the only other customer, another blue hair, and telling her all about her Thanksgiving, pausing after each slice of meat comes off the slicer. AR: I didn't say anything, verbally, but my body language was unmistakable. Response I'd have preferred: anything followed by a PA announcement saying "Clean up on aisle 1. And bring a body bag." Did I mention I have a problem with patience?
Crime: You're walking out of a store and someone texting on their phone runs smack into you, too important to look up and watch where they're going. AR: Say, "Oh! Excuse me!" and go about your business. FR: Shove them to the ground, take their phone, place it on their face and stomp on it. With heels.
Well it seems everyone's favourite sack of balls is busy, so I'll fill in for him: Woah-there, Ballsy; I feel uncomfortable with the things you're saying and disagree with them, but I respect your right to free speech.
Forgot my biggest pet peeve. Seriously, this almost makes me see red. Crime: You politely hold the door for someone. They respond by damn-near body checking you and going on their way. AR: Be a bitch and suck it up. My reaction: Sarcastic "You're welcome" FR: Choke-slam the guy (or girl, I honestly don't care) to the ground, smash their fingers on both hands, and tell them good luck opening their own fucking door.
Crime: This happens in every movie theater, concert, stadium, even some restaurants. A group of people will gather not 5 feet outside the doors that everyone mast pass through, causing everyone coming out after to flow around this little group. AR: Try to look as many of the people in this group in the eyes and say loudly "This is a GREAT place to have a meeting." I have had positive and negative reactions to this, but for the most part the group just quiets and kind of shuffles over a few feet and by that time I am past them on on my way. FR: Stride right through the middle of the group knocking over as many as I can saying as loud as I can "MAKE A HOLE, MAKE IT WIDE!"
Crime: neighbor blasts electronic dance music with heavy bass beats early in the morning. I am already awake so it is merely annoying, but el husband works the night shift and is still asleep. AR: el husband gets out of bed, gets dressed, and knocks on their door loudly three times but no one comes to the door. He then calls security to get them to get the music turned down. FR: he was fantasizing about getting those whatever radio equipments and focusing a signal at an inaudible frequency that would kill their sound equipment. Then, I would have him break down the door because I am far too weak so that I can rush in behind him, shove one computer speaker in the offender's ass and one in his mouth, string him up off the lanai railing, and blast Christmas carols out of his orifices. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
Crime Cyclist who demands equal space on the road blows through stop signs at full speed, Using pedestrian rights with motorist demands. AR: Not much you can do, legally. Your horn is your only tlaking point here, and it's not like it's going to make them stop, sit down and really think about what they did. FR: Wait until Captain Livestrong is coming up to your ca and whip your door open, the velocity of him crash into the door will make it reverb back into his face twice. While he moans in agony, flip his bike upside-down, spin the pedals to make the wheel move, grab him by the hair and mash his face into the spinning spokes, turning his face into sandwich spread. Then pick him up over your head Ultimate Warrior-style and throw him through the windshield of an oncoming car. He's THEIR problem now. ...then hop on your motorcycle and ride off into the sunset, never to be seen again.
Crime: It's 10 o'clock at night and you work in a restaurant. A party of 10 comes in with at least 3 children who are too young to be up this late. Instead of sitting at the table, the kids run around the restaurant screaming their heads off and getting in everyone's way. One of the kids nearly knocks over a waitress who is carrying food to this table of complete assholes who do nothing to stop their children. AR: Nothing. These people at this table are local government officers and they think they are better than everyone else. If you make eye contact with their children, they will complain to management and you will be fired for upsetting important customers. FR: Lure the children to the back of the restaurant with candy. Hide them in the apartment over the restaurant and keep them busy with video games and a gallon of ice cream. When the parents realize they are gone, pretend you have no idea what happened and let the parents look for their children. Let the police get involved. When the kids are finally found, they will be in a sugar coma and sick from all he ice cream. If everything goes as planned, the parents will think their kids stole the ice cream and snuck into the apartment. The management will realize these people are fucking assholes and make them pay for the ice cream. These people will never return to the restaurant out of embarrassment. I had this fantasy once a week when these people would come in. It was always at 10 at night and they always had their kids with them.
Crime: Turning a corner in traffic, going slowly to the end of the merging lane and sitting there until all traffic has gone past holding up everyone behind them. AR: Sit patiently until a gap opens up that you can safely take and leave them sitting there. FR: Tailgate the shit out of them down the road and force them to drive head on into a petrol station pump at speed and watch them explode in a blaze of glory as you cruise past on your way home.
The Crime: Driving on the highway, stuck in awful traffic, you're leaving a reasonable amount of space between yourself and the car in front of you, and the car behind you is riding your ass and honking relentlessly. As if that will make traffic disappear and get them somewhere faster. AR: Continue to follow the car in front of you at a reasonable distance, with growing hatred for the asshole in the car behind you. FR: Drive hideously slowly half way in each lane, making it impossible for the asshole to pass regardless of the speed of the car in front of you. If I didn't have a silly little gokart I would maybe do more things that might enrage assholes in cars behind me.