Friday Not At All Serious Thread: Hat's All Folks!

Technically, it's not Friday.

You're an asshole for pointing that out, though.

Anyway, go look at this site: <a class="postlink" href="http://fedorasofokc.tumblr.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://fedorasofokc.tumblr.com</a> . I don't want to spoil it, but it's basically exactly what it says on the tin.

Focus: What fashion choices do you just not understand? What do you assume about the person sporting them?

Alt-Focus: What details from an online profile tell you way more about the person than they intended?

Fedora-focus: Talk about fedoras

 

You may also discuss other hats.

 

Skinny jeans on dudes. Just. Cannot. Fathom. You look like you have Baskin Robbins sugar cones for legs. AND your ass is hanging out. You could not look more ridiculous, demasculated and sexually unappealing if you you tattooed "WILL SUCK DICK FOR BUS FARE" on your forehead. While we're at it, those white sunglasses...

As for fedoras, meh. Robert Mitchum can pull them off. Are you Robert Mitchum? Did you battle Nazis for powerful religious artifacts? No? There is probably give or take an 85% chance you look like an asshole. I said it before andI'll say it again: sombreros. They shield the cruel hot sun, they cause people to irresistably dance around them to music containg many horns, and you can hurl one at your enemies when they flee from your sombrero awesomeness.

 

Focus: It must be a sign of me getting older or something, but at least once a week before I left the US, I remember looking at the college students and thinking, "Why the fuck is that kid wearing that? When did that get cool?" Especially in regards to those stupid neon tank tops kids are wearing now, like:

NSFW

Which brings me to hats. I hardly ever wear hats, because I think the majority of them look stupid, especially with the way people are wearing them nowadays. Take the fucking stickers off and bend the brim you fucking idiots. The only times I wear a hat are when I've just woken up and am running late and my hair won't stay down and when I'm playing golf. Down in Argentina, wearing a hat outside of the golf course marks me as an American pretty quickly, as I hardly ever see anyone with a hat on in the subway or on the bus.

 

I have to say, I think there were guys every now and then on that blog who were rocking their fedoras. Then there were a lot of guys who would have so easily been rocking them, but either didn't know how to wear the fedora or didn't style it well or picked out the wrong size/shape/style. But, most of them had other problems far bigger than the fedora.

When I guy knows how to wear a fedora it's an insta-orgasm for me. Example:



(But, then again, maybe it's the whole "Jon Hamm" thing that's the insta-orgasm part of that picture.)

I love hats. I think hats should make a comeback, and they kind of are making a comeback and that's awesome. I appreciate a dude in a hat, as long as he knows what he's doing. But, I do agree that a lot of guys who make the decision to wear a fedora tend to have one of two certain personalities that I don't really enjoy.

I have a lot to say about the first focus, and want to think about the alt-focus, but I don't really feel like writing it right now so I'll come back. I know you were worried.

 

FOCUS: Faux-hawks.

Seriously, what the fuck are those people thinking?

Alt-Focus: What details from an online profile tell you way more about the person than they intended?

If a guy has a faux-hawk, he's a total douche, and if a girl has one, she's a dyke.

 

Is that the reason you find them so sexually unappealing? Really?



FOCUS: After my grandfather died, I wore his black fedora to school sometimes in tribute. I was a freshman at a large school. I can't believe I never got my ass kicked for that.

 

Listen, Crown, I agree with you wholeheartedly. That said, I would fuck any guy wearing skinny black jeans. I don't understand it. It's like when you see a hot girl wearing those jean leggings, and you're like GOD WHY, WHY DO I WANT TO RIP THOSE OFF AND WRAP THEM AROUND YOUR THROAT WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU?

Focus: I hate jean leggings. What the fuck. And don't even say the word jeggings, or I will destroy you.

 

Ante up for skinny jeans. I will raise you men in cut off skinny jeans. They invariably wear it with an ill-fitting t-shirt. That bugs me the most I think. A really skinny waif in a t-shirt so baggy he looks like he'll fall through the neck hole. Then he gets a striped pattern. Holy God, stripes like he got the shirt in a coastal Brittany town, except it's neon and I swear this guy now glows in the dark. I remember this one dude wearing the exact outfit, he looked like an evil Moby, malnourished.

See also, super v-neck:



What the fuck? So, basically everything American Apparel sells stinks on ice.

However, if a woman wore that it is the best style on the planet:

NSFW

Fedora-focus: These, at least people are trying to class it up a bit. However, I'd like to see other hats. Old Scottish driving caps, Italian fisherman cap (totally buy one of those), beer dispensing helmet, and the not often seen outside of Packers country Cheddar Cheese Hat.

Why latch onto the fedora for irony's sake? The 10 gallon hat would be way more ironic. Go with that.

 

Ugg Boots.

Not in winter, but when it's like 65º out. There are so many girls in this area that wear tight yoga pants (awesome, by the way), but tuck them into Uggs that sport enough insulation to protect the feet of sherpas climbing Everest. Most of the time all I end up thinking is, "You're really cute, but your feet must smell like salt & vinegar chips braised in ball sweat."

 

Yes. THIS. I see way too many around here. Fuck them and the people that wear 'em. Glasses are a lot less fun when you've had piss poor vision for years and actually need them. I want to go Gallagher on every fake pair of glasses I see.

 

I started losing my hair early, around 17 or so, and from then on I always had a ether a Tigers/Duke hat on. I inherited a couple of vintage fedoras from my grandfather and always wanted to wear them but the thought of being lumped in with the fucking hipsters was enough to stop me.

I have since started shaving my head and just rolling with that sans hat, except in the winter I wear a stocking hat, fucking head gets cold with no hair.

Personally I think in the summer women should rock the sundress/Kentucky Derby style hats more often.

 

Other than the functional baseball cap when i go outside to shade my bald spot and my suddenly sensitive eyes, I've toyed around with the idea of wearing hats few times. I think fedoras look cool, but they just don't look right on me. My neck is too long, and my head is shaped weird for it, or something.

When straw barber shop quartet type hats come back in, I'll be all over that shit.

 

Oh god, this, as I was following a girl this morning who was too large to be wearing leggings and the skin tight nature of them exposed more rolls and curves than an F1 track.

I personally hate cycling caps. I don't really understand them in a functional sense, and if you're wearing them while not on a bike, you're probably a hipster clown.

 

I wish every day that hats were actually in again and I was 90 lbs lighter so I could pretend I could pull them off, but hats will never be as in as I want them

 

My biggest pet peeve about hats isn't the hats themselves but how people wear them. I don't know if I get this from my military experience or something else in my background that I've forgotten, but if you're a guy and you don't take your hat off while you're indoors you're a douchebag. Doesn't matter what kind of hat you're wearing, you take that fucker off when you're not outside. Tools who rock cowboy hats while indoors are the worst.

 

Ohhhh CJ saved me... sorry guys.

"Axe throwing while wearing a hat"... or something.