Tomorrow is my first day in an honest-to-God corporate office. What should I expect? Dos and donts? Also, funny first day stories.
depending on your field and size of the company these may not hold true, but are pretty good guidelines: -I can't emphasize this enough, make sure you get there on time: study the route, account for traffic and leave extra time for random shit happening. No matter how good your reasons are you will be labeled an excuse maker for a long time, assuming they don't fire you. -Set your phone to silence or vibrate, you don't want to be the d-bag in orientation whose phone goes off while HR or whoever is talking. The rest is more advice for the first month or so than first day. -Continue to be on time. -Don't make any jokes that couldn't be used in a Disney movie. -If you are going to eat out for lunch make sure you go to a place where you KNOW you can finish within your lunch time (my old company fired a bunch of temps for going to a slow sit down place for lunch). -Don't dick around on the internet AT ALL. Most of these can (hopefully) be disregarded after the first month or so when you've got a feel for your co-workers and the office in general.
If you are starting as part of a "class" or with a few other people your own age/level: Do attend the happy hours that are likely to take place almost every day for the first week or so. Do make friends with the receptionist. That woman likely knows everything about everyone and you can be damn sure she also knows your schedule of comings and goings. So if you are late someday, and someone is looking for you, she is more likely to cover for you if she associates you with a nice, smiling face. Don't lose your ID badge. That's kid shit. Do not worry about coming in hungover, just dont look like a slob. Everyone else drank just as much as you. Don't worry about being "overdressed." Its easier to take off a tie and jacket and "dress down" an outfit than it is to class up a polo shirt. Come to think of it, don't ever wear a polo shirt. If you have to go through a formal training process, don't worry about paying attention to every slide in the deck. Half of those slides haven't been updated since the firm issued the guidance on training 10 years ago, anyway. And they will likely make them available to you for review on your own. Don't ask for business cards. You work with these people. You have a corporate address book. Just remember their name. Don't crack any jokes until you have a lay of the land. The last thing you want to do is be remembered as the guy who told a "gay" joke to the partner who heads the LGBT coalition. Don't fall asleep during training. Do make use of the coffee machine. At least in my firm, we have some pretty gourmet shit that beats the burned stuff from Dunkin Donuts. Don't sleep with a coworker. Especially not if it is a drunken hook-up. Just don't. No arguments about how hot she is, how you two get along, etc. You don't shit where you eat. And finally, though this is more general commentary, don't pack your office with personal shit. In fact, don't put anything in your office you aren't ok with never seeing again.
First day at a real office (not Summer job crap), after my first sophomore year at college, I was walking by myself back up the stairwell with a rolled up set of plans. As I approached the top, I made a "vrrrrrrrrp" noise while swinging the plans like a light saber, just as the President of the company was opening the stairwell door. He was not amused. The next day, I totaled a company car (not my fault, but still . . .) By the way, I kept that job all Summer, worked there two more years and a few years later, became partners in a new company with that same President. High five!
I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch.
Opening up a can of worms here, but.. ahem... if you're female, in your early to mid-twenties, don't equate a "nice" outfit that you'd go out in with a "nice" work outfit. In fact, if any of your outfits would be described by any of your friends as "cute," the odds are that the middle age, over-weight, long term office losers are going to be staring down your shirt all day long. Alternate Focus: About ten years ago, I worked at a small law firm with seven attorneys. I interviewed with six of them. At the time, I lived in a large, anonymous apartment complex with 500 units. I didn't really know the neighbor who lived directly next to me, except that she would throw up really loudly every weekend (... something I came to appreciate as I became a more, ahem, experienced, lawyer). My first day, to my surprise, who is the seventh lawyer at the firm? My next door neighbor.
This is actually a great point. I can't count the number of times I've had to pull aside a new-hire who rolled onto my client and have the "too much cleavage" discussion. I have taken to simply telling all the new hires that if you would feel comfortable going to a bar on Friday night after work in that particular piece of clothing, it doesn't belong in my office. Another pet-peeve: tiny pencil skirts. If you can't walk at a decent pace because you can't move your legs, it's time to rethink the outfit. Also, guys, Under Armour is not appropriate, regardless of how "casual" your definition of "business casual" is. And if you are going to wear the suit pants, wear the jacket. You can take it off and put it on the door or chair, but don't leave it at home.
Drink a red bull and a 5 hour energy drink. I'm currently at my third full time corporate job, and without fail I've nearly fallen asleep on my first day in the afternoon at every one. You will probably have nothing to do in the afternoon, but don't worry about looking busy. Sit there and watch the clock tick away.
1. Ask when payday is. 2. Ask if you can get an advance on your first check. 3. Ask what time lunch is. 4. When they show you to your cube, tell them, "This won't do. I have a vitamin D deficiency and need sunlight. That's a nice window office. I'll take that one." 5. Do this in a loud voice so they think you're deaf. Unless you want to keep the job. 1. Smile and always show a positive attitude. 2. Listen more, talk less. 3. Check your fly before entering the office. Good luck!
How handy, I just got back from my first day at the recording studio 5 minutes ago. Awesome first day, I pretty much just played a bunch of different guitars all day. I'm so lucky that the head engineer is only a few years older than me and is a cool, laidback guy. So I guess... pray your boss doesn't suck? It's really not that hard to make a good first impression, showing up on time, doing what you're told, not jerking off in your cubicle and keeping quiet for a bit will do just anyone fine.
If you can't figure out the basics - your school sucked. Unless you're a complete idiot, it's pretty hard to do anything genuinely worth getting fired for in your first week. But most people step on their own dicks just by being annoying. The people you work with who are 20 years out of college, have a mortgage, 2 kids, a boring sex life and a job they hate. They don't need to deal with your shit. Don't create a situation where fucking with you (or getting rid of you) is less hassle than ignoring you. Basically, don't be a pain in anyone's ass. The people most likely to destroy your career in the first month are people who just don't want to deal with unnecessary shit. Don't make the induction guy repeat half his speach on where the fire exits are because you're an asshole who couldn't set an alarm. Don't make someone waste their time pulling you up about being dressed like an idiot. Don't make the HR lady give you the equality in the workplace speach because you tried to be a smartass. Chances are you have a decent education and half a brain. Act like it, and you'll be fine.
For some reason dress pants are a hundred more times conducive to leaving your fly down. This was mentioned already. Use this move to check it on your way in. Grab your belt buckle in a natural fashion (which may be difficult for some of you chronic masturbaters) while walking and use your pinky to check that it's up. This move saved my ass a few times.
Excellent advice. I would go so far as to continue with Frank's first day advice to at least the two week point. Please, do not be late once during the first couple of weeks. You're supposed to be there at 9:00? You're late at 8:30. Drive the route to work from home during the least stressful hours; Tuesday evening or something. Make it a night and have a bottle of wine (Ballsack will certainly be able to get you off of serving jail time for any DUI) and throw some Neil Young in the car radio. Figure the time that it takes you to get to your office and double that for when it's real. The reasoning is that you would much rather sit in the parking lot, calm, prepared, listening to your now scratched Neil Young album and looking at the drips of that now thick, vinegar substance that remains in an otherwise empty wine bottle in your passenger seat, creeping around the sides like ketchup, as you contemplate your career and substance, waiting for the work day to begin than to be racing, sweating, rushing, dressing, stressing, and throwing out the four three/quarter drunk bottles of wine from your passenger's side floor board, while driving across town to eat at this 'incredible, little' breakfast place that this really pretty girl, 'Just wanted you to experience!', while explaining to her that 'Heart of Gold' is actually better not remixed. I don't like myself for sounding like my Junior High School football coach, but, it's unfortunately true. Time's important. If you're in a team/group of recent hires/etc., you will be judged on who is in the office early and who leaves early. Oh yeah, again, don't leave early. Similarly, schedule all and anything that may have to miss a day of work prior to joining the corporation. Need to renew your driver's license? Doctor's appointment? Wedding? Concert? Huge game? Inevitable funeral? It better not be within your first two weeks... binx
Forget the time period, just don't be fucking late ever. Sure, emergencies happen, but as a general rule you should never be late to work. You're paid to work and expected to present yourself ready to work at the set time (not walk in the door at starting time). It's not acceptable for the employer to be late in paying you, why should it be the other way around?
Abstain from office politics if at all possible- no gossip, no alliances, etc. Then again, you may not have a choice. I quit my first corporate gig because employees spent far more time trying to manipulate the system, and little time actually working.
Had a super hot secretary at a job I worked 8 or 9 years ago in Toronto. Not only hot, but would wear outfits (more like costumes) that you would only see on Electric Circus (Muchmusic anyone?). Anyway, she was my age, cool, and we'd talk/flirt all the time. So she comes in one day wearing the shortest skirt she probably owned, and also the lowest cut top i'd ever seen her wear, which was ready to pop off. I said "Jesus, Paula, I don't know where to look when I'm talking to you." She laughed, but the HR person standing behind me didnt. I got written up for that one, and Paula got a written warning about the dress code. Lose - Lose for me. Focus: Don't ever talk to the hot secretary.
Ok, you want REAL advice? Here it goes, and it won't be palatable as it goes against everything you've been fed. Learn to eat shit. A lot of it. "Corporate Environment" is a euphemism for "come up with good ideas that your boss will use and give you no credit." Get good at the blame game. Yeah, I know, it's not productive, but what you have to realize is that a 'corporate atmosphere' has absolutely nothing to do with actual productivity, it's about perception. Document everything. And I mean everything. At some point, something will go wrong, because it always does. Have evidence that it wasn't your fault. Do not hesitate to throw a fellow employee under the bus. In fact, in your first two weeks, find the weakest link in the chain. If you don't know who that is, then it's you - go find a new job because it's only a matter of time til you get thrown under the bus. You do not have friends at work. Trust no one. Pretend to trust them with 'sensitive information.' Make sure that 'sensitive information' is about a co-worker, but not a boss. You must never forget that you are behind enemy lines. No one is concerned about your career path and what's best for you as a person. Therefore, you better make sure that your well being and success is your number one priority because everyone and the system will be working against you. This is the part where you say 'oh, he's being funny and sarcastic.' This is the part where I tell you 'No, I'm not, disregard my advice at your own risk.' The sooner you learn that working in a corporate atmosphere has nothing to do with actual productivity and everything to do with perception is the day you start advancing. Welcome to work.
If you're working a job where everyone is out to fuck you over, you're either in a failing organization (possibly) or you're an asshat (more likely) Not to say there aren't some bad apples out there, but if you go into the office extremely defensive and cutoff, you will be the mark. You won't advance with that mindset.