I understand the pragmatism of it, but I'm not planning for my divorce while I'm planning my wedding. I know very few people, even ones with extensive assets, that have one. Without getting into details, is their a huge divide between the amount of assets you and your husband each have? Or was it a "what's mine is mine" discussion?
We both approach our relationship with the idea that life happens. Things happen and that it's entirely possible for either one of us to wake up and realize that this isn't what we want anymore. It's not living in fear, and I'm not sitting and worrying about my husband leaving me. As a matter of fact, both of us are more secure knowing that we're here because we want to be, not because we can't afford to divorce, or we feel obligated, or whatever. There's no pressure or anything like that. And, it's not about planning the divorce, for us at least. In our case, yes, there's a pretty solid disparity between his set up and mine, mainly due to the trust established upon his father's death. I was called a LOT of names when we started dating, most of them being a variation of 'gold digger'. The prenup was my idea - because it was my way of saying with absolute one hundred percent no questions asked certainty - "You don't have anything I want, not right now. I'm here for YOU, because I love YOU." because - hey. When you hit rocky spots and your head gets weird in marriage, little things and seeds have a chance to take root. I killed those seeds. Threw them away. They're gone. What's his is his, what's mine is mine, and what we acquire as we go along is ours. If 'ours' ever ends...that (according to the prenup) will be divided based on what is standard at that time. It sound WAY more fatalistic than it actually is. This being my third marriage - no one gets married planning to divorce. But life has taught me that sometimes, plans change. The Husband knows that as well. That's how ours came about.
I'm not planning to break my leg, but I get medical insurance anyway. Even if it's bad leg-bone juju.
Sure, not many have a prenup on the first go-round. Hey, love conquers all, right? Second marriages, much more common. My wife and I both had one failed marriage and the prenup was a requirement for both of us. BTW, the second marriage has lasted 5 times longer than the first.
I understand what youre saying, but that is big picture stuff. I am talking day to day issues that arise when people live under the same roof. Children are perceptive and inherently manipulative. It wont take them very long at all to play that Support Staff role against the step parent. And then, not only will the child/step parent relationship suffer, the adult relationship will suffer. I have lived it too. And I didnt even have the pressure of the other parent being involved. Im not sure if that made the situation better or worse, but I know the end result wasnt pretty.
Flip a coin. Were you shocked by the result? If you were going skydiving and the instructor told you that there was a 50/50 chance your chute wasnt gonna open, would you still jump? Cuz marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Youd better be prepared for either result or think twice before you leap. Being prepared is not being negative. Its being practical. Especially if you have kids. They are the only asset that matters.
Actually it's not, as a very wise woman once told me in regards to her own very long and only marriage, it's 60/40 constantly rotating.
See, it's my experience now (and everyone's varies) that since the adults are on the same page - excepting step-mom but we all know where she's at - the kids can't flip things around. Because all of the adults are reading the same script. I think you may be misreading 'support' as hands off, when it's very much not.
Im not thinking hands off as much as secondary to the primary parent. Im talking day to day punishments or responsibilities, not major life decisions. If everything had to be run through the primary parent first, then kids know the stepparent's authority is secondary. So soon it becomes a battle of wills. If youre living together, then the adults should be in charge. Both with equal authority as far as it goes to running a household. It shouldnt be dependent on from whose loins you were dispensed. If I say empty the dishwasher, you dont need to check with your mother first. If I say go to your room, then you go to your room. Good cop/bad cop doesnt work with parenting. Step children or otherwise.
AHHHH. Ok. I'm not saying the stepparent runs things through the parent before anything happens, or that the kids should be able to check with parent when stepparent gives them tasks or whatever. I'm saying that the parent and stepparent talk together and get on the same page. The kids aren't in the discussion when this happens. And, it's a discussion that should be had LONG before anyone gets married.
Gotcha. Same page is key. From overall philosophies to day to day goings on. Everybody is different but you need to come to a conclusion on how things are to go. And you must always support the other parent in front of the kids. Even if you dont agree, have that discussion elsewhere. Once kids see a crack in the unified front, especially between a parent and a step parent, it will be an issue going forward. The more you make an issue of or a distinction between parent and step parent, the more the kids will pick up on that and will try to use it to their advantage. Any "but youre not my real..." bullshit needs to be squashed immediately by both parents.
I told my husband before we got married that we would definitely be getting a prenup. I have significant assets and he came into the marriage with a couple of years of savings from a decent salary. The only reason we didn't is because it was basically pointless as pointed out to me by my lawyer - in California, the only assets that get divided are those that were earned and/or used during the marriage. My assets are kept in an ironclad trust, and I take small amounts of cash for our joint use as needed, so only that cash is exposed. And my husband is pretty safe as well, because I have basically no argument for alimony. When my sister's girlfriend (now wife) moved in with her, my dad pretty much strongarmed them into creating a legal agreement in case they broke up. Very much to his surprise, and in part because of the fact that my sister's assets are also in trust including her condo, the person who benefitted most from the agreement was the girlfriend. While there was pretty much no scenario in which she could get more cash than she had earned or access to the value of the condo, it stipulated the amount of time she would have to find a new place and move out. Spoiler alert: it was much more generous than "pack your shit and GTFO pronto." Knowing your situation and protecting yourself? Always a good idea. It just doesn't necessarily have to include an official prenup. And you shouldn't necessarily be threatened by someone asking for it, agreements like this can and should be written to protect all parties involved.
So to those on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. Why did you even get married after the first try? Why not date, stay together, move in together, start a family together, just not sign those papers?
I guess mainly because I'm a hopeless romantic, I suppose. I LIKE being married. But in the case of my third marriage - if we DIDN'T get married, the military holds no regard for our relationship. He'd have to live on post, I would have to move with him on my own dime, if at all, etc. We didn't want to keep living a four hour flight apart from one another and so...we decided to get married.
Buy the center stone (or stones) separately from the setting. It's easier to get the setting first, then find the stone/s that fit it, because one setting can support a range of sizes and often one or two similar cuts (like cushion vs. princess). For one, the stone is the most important part of the ring, and when it comes to insuring it, the most valuable. Get the stone you want and spend your money there; the rest has a lot of room for variance and you can cut corners (platinum/gold/silver; custom engraving, etc.) if you wow with the stone. Also some places specialize in selling loose stones (they're generally cheaper there), and most places have a lot of blank settings but markup a lot with the stone and setting for "labor costs" of mounting. Mounting isn't time-consuming, people just think it is. If the place that sells you the setting won't throw in or at least significantly discount the mounting, go somewhere that will mount it. Also, regarding the insuring the ring, DO IT!!!! I'm a cheap-ass, and I almost didn't ensure my wife's $8-fucking-k ring. Six days before our wedding, it busted because gold is soft and shitty, the center stone was nowhere to be found, and I was one great decision away from finding the nearest bridge. Fortunately, diamond rings always ensure for more than you paid (because there is haggling involved), and two days before our wedding the insurance payment came in and she upgraded to a very nice ring. Spoiler Note: this post was not a joke.
Well, we did pretty much all the above, except have children, and lived together for almost seven years before deciding to get married. We both had first marriages to disastrously wrong people and were pretty leery of another marriage. But, after sevenish years we knew each other well and decided to have a child. Neither of us had any inclination to roam and so we got married. It's not marriage that is the problem; it's being with the wrong person, married or not. If you are lucky enough to find the right person, why not.
Got a rep about the military thing being horrible - Yeah, it does suck that there are a LOT of good relationships that the military would ignore. But we both understand why the system works like it does. Plenty of "i'm going to love you forever" relationships - married and not - break up all the time under the stress of being associated with the military. The system is confusing enough only handling the legal relationships. Throw in the other ones, and jesus fuck. Nothing'd ever get done. And honestly - we'd've gotten married anyway, eventually. But the fact is - he could deploy and bad things happen, and he and I be completely without anything. If ANYTHING were to happen to him and we not be married, I'm not the one the military looks at to make the decisions. Everything, monetary and decision making, all of it, would go to his mother or his brother. Without us being married, I'd be excluded from decisions on care, burial, etc. That's the reality. He and I didn't want that. We didn't want our family - such as it is - to be split up, either. My kids love The Husband. We did the whole together but long distance thing for over 18 months. That got old quick fast and in a hurry. And expensive. So we got married. Neither of us feels, or felt, forced into it.
This is the second marriage for both of us and neither of us cared one way or another about signing papers. But I knew my ex-husband would have been able to successfully sue for full custody if I was living with someone, so we got married to avoid that drama. Honestly, though, I guess it's for the best because it just makes things easier from a bureaucratic standpoint.
Wedding planning can go fuck a stump. Yes, already. We've been together so long that we do have a loose plan for the ceremony. We haven't been engaged a week, everyone knows we are looking at grad school next and my aunt goes, "When is the date?" Goddammit.
So. Um. Have you guys considered eloping? Seriously? Because when it's said and done and you start looking at expenses for a wedding etc., it...isn't uncommon to regret spending that money. Just a thought.