Engaged, Married, Divorced-Relationship Roulette

Realize early and often that you are being viewed as competing for the time of your wife where previously your stepchild had their mother all to themselves. There will be some initial resentment, depending on the age of your stepkid. Make it known early and often that you aren't trying to replace their father, merely be someone who loves their mother and is glad to have them in their life as well. Every once in a while do something without their mother, so the two of you can develop a relationship that isn't based on your marriage.

That's all I've got so far, I've only been a step-parent for a little over a year and a half.

 

Boring advice but do what comes natural and don't make a bigger deal of it than you want to. Being married is the same as being in a relationship except now you need to talk to a lawyer if you break up, taxes are different, if incapacitated you can visit each other in the hospital without family permission and you will be default beneficiaries for retirement accounts and life insurance.

Other than that it's really just the same old shit* unless you choose to make a bigger deal out of it.

*I don't mean this in a bad way, obviously if you are proposing "the same old shit" is going very well.

 

yes.

You're not a parent. Your wife is the parent. You're support staff. Support your wife in raising the kids. The things you teach them should be because they're the right things to teach the kids, not because you're trying to be daddy. Rarely will you ever ever be disciplinarian. That falls on your wife.

 

But if they kick you in the nuts, you can tell them to stop. Doesn't matter what she says.

 

They kick you in the nuts you pin the little fucker to the wall.

 

This. I cannot stress to you enough how spot on she is about this. I've been with my step son since he was 2 and a half, he's 15 now, and STILL I don't feel like his father. Sure, he calls me dad and he respects me and likes me and all that, but EVERY time I try to discipline him, my wife cuts in front of me. It's one of the only things we ever argue about. Just stay out of it and support her unless she asks you specifically to handle something or talk about something.

 

My fiance and I have VERY different parenting styles. And so there are definitely some times where you have to step back and let mom do her thing. However, if she asks you for advice or opinions it is certainly reasonable to give them. Just understand she is not obligated to take it. Also I really second the do stuff with the kid (kids) by themselves. It doesn't have to be anything huge. One of baby girls favorite things that we'll do is I pack a picnic lunch and we go to the park where I will basically dedicate a half hour of my time just watching her do stuff. You would not believe how much kids just want you to watch them. So she will slide, and run, and swing and I'll just follow her around watching her do these mundane things like it is the most interesting stuff ever created. The cool part is though that that one half hour plus 20 minutes for lunch in her eyes makes me "the best Tiny ever!"

Also I don't know what the kids relationship with their father might be, but as long as it is a safe healthy relationship it is one you want to foster. Baby girl has not seen her biological father in about a year and a half and it has been even longer since he has paid a damn thing in child support. However, she has never heard me say a bad word about him. She still loves her dad and that's a good thing. I just wish her dad was worthy of it. But as a step - parent you want to be part of a support structure that loves this kid and is happy that both parents love them as well. Hell you can personally hate the guy but respect the role they play in the kids life.

 

What the fuck? Didn't know you were a The Bachelor contestant. Did you spend the first night in a waterfall as well?

This is so interesting, because in black families, if a dude marries mom, he's dad. He better step up and make some fatherly moves, disciplining especially.

For wedding planning, sit down and talk about what you're going to handle and what she's going to handle. You never want to get caught out with her asking your opinion on floral arrangements and you don't have one, then you accidentally say "I don't care, whatever." It never ends well.

 

My second husband really tried to 'dad' my kids - and it did NOT work. Like at all. Partially because of our differences and partially because my kids were like 'Hey. Not dad. Dick." (Only more respectfully.)

What makes the relationship with The Husband and The Kids work is that he just models being a good person, respectful of and to them, and is a kind person. He's genuine in his interactions with them, and they have - from time to time - guys' night. They'll go to a breastaurant then catch a movie and then come home and drink a six pack of Root Beer and eat a huge chocolate cake. That's their time.

For the newly engaged - play the 'what if' game. See how you guys plan things. Not just the big stuff like "What if I lost my job?" but the little stuff like "What if we couldn't agree on what color to paint the kitchen?" or "Whose job is it to change the garbage when it's full?"

 

From now on I will refer to Hooters as a breastaurant.

The first part - about just being an adult role model - sounds similar to how my husband is with my kid. She splits her time equally between her dad and I, so she already has a fully involved dad. My husband usually only says something to her if I'm not around, and he sometimes gives his opinion to me if he is concerned about something.

 

Right, that's why its different in black families. Usually the dad isn't around. It's not even a stereotype 90% of the time, its just how shit is.

 

See my father wasn't around much, but that was due to the military liking to stick him in Europe and other far the fuck away places. He was however, ridiculously responsible when it came to child support. I found out much later in life that at one point my father could have skipped paying child support for a year and still been a little ahead in his payments. This being due to the fact that he had the Army auto deposit his court order payment and then if my mom ever needed help with rent or clothes for us or whatever he would just deposit more money in his child support account.

Edit:

It is probably important to note that my father is my black parent. Because I am "normal mixed."

 

While I dont agree with that for couples that are married or living together full-time, the most important thing is to remain consistent. Pick a path that works and stick to it. If you want to set up the stepparent as "Support Staff" and that works for you, fine.

But dont expect the Support Staff to be the bad guy when the kid gets bigger and you can no longer manage them by yourself. Its too late at that point to promote the Support Staff to Full Time parent.

To me, it sends a bad message to have a child view their parents' new spouse as secondary or dispensable. If you cant trust your spouse to treat your child like their own, then maybe that's not the right person for you at this time of your life. Maybe you should keep your kids out of the picture until they are older.

 

Yeah, but that's because kids get a new "dad" about as often as a new pair of Nikes. After a while, they just become... shoes.

With step-parenting, remember: your SO had that child's entire life to build a relationship with him/her. You can't make up for that with a snap of the fingers, a wedding ceremony, and a "because I said so." Don't expect it to happen over night. Consider the step-parent/step-child just like any other relationship -- both parties have to put work into it for it to work, and both parties have to want it to work for it to work. You may be a father overnight, but it's in title only. You're best way to start out is as their friend.

When you're engaged, apologize for "forgetting" to close the door when she catches you shitting. When you're married, it is acceptable to use the "but you do it around me too" excuse.

As a male, think of the consequences of your actions before you open your mouth to disagree. If those consequences outweigh the benefits of gaining permission, keep your mouth closed and just do what you want when she's not looking.

As a female, you are allotted a certain number of times telling us males what to do before we fly off the hinges and remind you that your ideas suck and we are smarter. Your allotment of times to direct us decreases, as the frequency of your direction increases.

 

I really hope you're kidding here.

 

Be very careful about when and to whom you vent about your spouse. It can come back to bite you in the ass.

My husband is legit the best. We are best friends, we have a kickass time together, we put each other first, the sex just keeps getting better, we work together as a team, etc. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but we have an awesome marriage overall.

But if you live with someone day in and day out, little shit is going to wear on you. And every person in this world has at least one major character flaw they're working on, and that gets pretty old for the spouse as well. Sometimes you get super frustrated and you just have to vent, and maybe try to work out some possible tactics/solutions with an outside party.

Remember, now that outside party is thinking about whatever you told them whenever they interact with your spouse, and that insider info will color everything they think about your spouse and any piece of advice they give you from here on out.

My recommendation? No venting to immediate family, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOTHER LADIES FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS. Even the best in-law relationships can have touchy points, and you're just setting yours up to fail by oversharing. And when you do decide who is safe to vent to, make sure they hear the good stuff too - there's nothing more uncomfortable than not being able to stand your bff's husband because all you hear about are his various dumbass bumbles.

 

When I say support staff I don't mean sitting the background and funding things. I mean there are already two parents who are (ideally) working together despite the divorce to raise the child. Step-parenting is supporting the parent you're married to, and making sure that the foundation they want is being laid. It's not hands off. It's not disinterested. It's not only buying dinner and paying for things. It's being involved, and understanding that perspective is appreciated, but the decision makers are the parents.

If/when that day arrives - EVERYONE has failed in their respective roles. Everyone.

Ok. See. I've lived this.
I've lived the 'love the child like your own and treat him like he's of your blood' relationship.
Bad. BAD things happen, especially in situations like the one you mentioned before when kiddo turns into unmanageable.

I'm not at all advocating that the step-parent be viewed as dispensable. At all.

However, the Parenting Team Leaders are the parents. They're the ones who - legally - are bound to do certain things and are held accountable for them.
Parenting Team Support - sorry. It's the stepparents. Stepparents can't make any legal decisions for the children. They can't speak for them. They can't make medical decisions for them. Often, in court, a stepparent - regardless of length of time in that position - is left out of proceedings completely.
It's the parents' child. They get to make the decisions. Stepparents get to support as best they can by helping maintain the consistency you mentioned, not by being hands off.