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Engaged, Married, Divorced-Relationship Roulette

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by downndirty, Jul 14, 2014.

  1. downndirty

    downndirty
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    I just proposed to Detective Girlfriend. Unfortunately she said yes. Now fucking what?

    Focus: How to survive engagement, wedding, honeymoon and marriage. Who do you know that's happily married? LIAR! What is their/your secret?
     
  2. Nettdata

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    Mr. Toast

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    Buy her a house, give her half your shit, and you're done.
     
  3. Nettdata

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    Mr. Toast

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    And congrats.
     
  4. Puffman

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    Buy all your toys now. You will not be getting them after marriage.
     
  5. Noland

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    Make certain she isn't a shrew so the aforementioned giving up half your things and eliminating fun from your life don't happen.

    Also, talk about things. That helps.
     
  6. Flat_Rate

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    I find that beer helps, in fact it is necessary.
     
  7. Whatthe...

    Whatthe...
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    Congratulations! Welcome to the worst year of your life. Planning a wedding is awful. Even all the things you think might be fun, like doing the gift registry is draining and time consuming.

    Seriously though, Congrats.

    Focus: Communication is key. My wife and I are both terrible communicators, and we have to really force ourselves to tell the other one when we're upset about something. I'll be upset about something my wife did, and I'll think it's no big deal and move on. I really have to consciously go, no this isn't okay and we need to talk about it, go back and tell her how I'm feeling.

    Always Date: Put aside time once a week to go out just the two of you (lunch, coffee, dinner, etc). It's best if it can be the same time every week, and do what ever possible to make sure it happens every week. It's easy to get focused on other things in life (kids, work, social stuff), but putting time into your relationship with your partner is extremely important.
     
  8. voltronman

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    This. Also, and this really applies to all things in life, not just marriage, but do what you say you are going to do. Follow through. Talk is cheap.

    This doesn't hurt either.
     
  9. silway

    silway
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    Congratulations! For real, welcome to the best club on earth.

    People have mentioned the importance of communication. Amen to that. Some other stuff:

    Pride is the enemy of a happy marriage. If you are going to be with this person for the rest of your life, then it's not about being right or wrong or vindication or who should break the silence first or any of that crap that gets in the way. It's about working things out and being able to stay together. It's about dissolving tension through resolution, not raising tension through bricksmanship.

    Do not let the cynicism or expectations of other people define your marriage for you. Every time I discuss marriage with a mixed group, people crack jokes about how bad and adversarial it is. Ignore them.

    As for the wedding, talk to your fiance about it. See who cares about what. Mine was fairly stereotypical in that the details weren't super relevant to me except for a few things here and there. So she planned most of it, along with her mom, and I chimed in as needed. It does not, however, in any way have to be a terrible experience. It only is if you and your fiance let it be. Decide together what you do and don't want and then stick to it. We didn't throw flowers or do the garter thing since we didn't want to. She wanted to be married in her hometown church, I wanted to break a glass. We did both. We picked our songs out, had fun with our various pre-wedding parties, and generally had a great time. It *was* stressful planning, as you'd expect for any large party, and I had to talk her mom down a few times, but you don't have to make it a huge pile of bullshit unless you let it. Talk. To. Each. Other. Decide together and then be a united front. It's good practice.
     
  10. shimmered

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    Congratulations!

    The wedding is less important than the marriage. The marriage is the fun part.
    Communication is mentioned - and should be...

    I want to say love is a verb. When you say "I love you", it's an active statement, so treat it like one. Actively love your woman. She's going to make you crazy, she's going to leave her shit every where, she's going to have empty water bottles in the floorboard of her car, she's going to steal your razor from time to time - little things are going to make you shake your head and pop another beer.
    Actively love her, every single day. Do something, every single day, that shows her that you want her to be there when you go to bed and wake up and drink coffee in the morning.
    It is astonishingly easy, in marriage, to turn on autopilot and simply not notice one another because the little things are eating at your attention.
    Don't turn on autopilot.
     
  11. Nettdata

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    Too bad you didn't pop the question before I nuked Sack... his advice would have been golden.


    What... too soon?
     
  12. Vorticon

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    A bit of Mod's regret there?
     
  13. Nettdata

    Nettdata
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    Mr. Toast

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    Not in the least.
     
  14. dewercs

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    Get the money thing worked out early, like before you get married, there is usually a saver and a spender in every relationship. Know which one you are and be sure you are ok with the other one.

    My wife and I don't argue about much but when it comes to finances we are in 2 different places, I am the saver and her spending drives me fucking crazy.
     
  15. Juice

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    Futurewife and I agreed to keep our finances separate. We have a joint account for when we need to pay bills, etc, but our money is our own otherwise. Im sure that will change in the future since I make more than twice as much as her, but for now it works.

    As for surviving the engagement, go with a long one instead of a short one. By the time we get married we will have been engaged for 18 months. We have more than enough time to plan the wedding we want without being crunched for time. We have just about everything booked except a church and the dress/tuxedo and we're still 13 months away.
     
  16. Currer Bell

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    Stuff comes up all the time that reminds me of how different my first and second marriage have been. I think most of the theme is respect and understanding and the recognition that you are both humans who try your best and screw up and has frailties and frankly awful taste in stuff. If she gets into a fender bender and the car has to go into the shop, remind yourself of the fact that when you tried to fix the toilet by yourself it ended up in emergency plumbing repairs. And when she watches the Real Hi Hop Housewives of South Bend, is she somehow less deserving of that enjoyment than you when you are watching a bunch of dudes in shoulder pads throw lumps of pigskin at each other?

    Oh, and I can't search videos at work, but there is a clip of Louis CK talking about the dishwasher that should be required viewing for any couple getting married. That shit is on point.
     
  17. Juice

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    Yes because those shows are horrible and football is awesome.
     
  18. Angel_1756

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    The Big Four-Oh

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    Seconded, thirded, fourthed and fifthed.

    Don't bankrupt yourself for one day of your life. Any jackass can get married - not every jackass can stay married. Celebrate the staying together, not the coming together.
     
  19. Noland

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    You have to like your spouse/partner/whatever. Sure, love is grand and it'll get you through the hard times and make you feel like you're flying, but in between those hard times and those highs is time. Days. Wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to sleep.

    You need to able to come home to someone that you like. Someone whose company you truly enjoy.

    It's not the inevitable stupid shitty fights about curtains or 2 AM baby feedings or socks on the floor or whatever pet peeve you have about each other.

    It's the daily grind that's gonna kill you.
     
  20. iczorro

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    I literally just got married on the 14th of June (in a helicopter over the vegas strip). So keep the good advice rolling in, folks.

    Any advice on step-parenting?