Electric word life it means forever and that's a mighty long time

So, this March the lady and I are planning a big trip to Poland and Czech Republic. It's a big trip for us since it's the first time in nearly a year and a half that we've really gotten to take a real vacation.

It's also pretty big for one other reason - I'm planning to propose to her.

I'm planning on doing it when we visit an ossuary (aka bone church) in Czech Republic. Because the lady is morbid as fuck and loves stuff like that.

For several months now, I've been revisiting the reasons that I decided to finally propose. I don't really have any major "This is it" moments. Moreso, a series of smaller moments that led me here.

One that I always think of is when we were visiting the megalithic tombs in Ireland and as we are walking down some pretty major hills she starts rumbling and says:

"I always like going South, somehow it feels like going downhill!"

And then proudly proclaimed: "I'm an ent, bebop!"

There are a lot of moments like that. And ultimately whenever I envision the future, she's always there with me.

Focus: For you married folks, what was the moment or moments when you decided that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your spouse?

Alt-Focus: On the flip side - what convinced the rest that you know your relationship wasn't going to work? And what warnings would you give someone about to take this steip

 

MY wife is still the most selfless, organized and stable woman I know. I knew right away she was far different than other women I dated, because she wouldn’t remove my eyes with s rusted ice hook while I slept. Which brings me too...

Alt-Focus:
My ex from 1999 was a six-month-long horror I should have ended far sooner. What a waste. This chick was a caricature of what a crazy girlfriend was. The shit that she would yell at me too.

“Why would it take you TEN MINUTES to drive to Subway and back?! What were you doing that extra time???”

“I KNOW you want to fuck my friends.” (dead wrong)

“Why the fuck is your cellphone plugged in!?!?”

..but before all that shit originally started and I knew I was going to have to get out as soon as she started ducking every job interview she had. She was inherently lazy government-milker and I wasn’t brought up like that nor respected it. She blackmailed me with the threat of abuse allegations if I left her, meanwhile she was off-the-wall temperamental. And she had a fucking little girl in all this mess, witnessing and feeding off her antics. When she shoved me down the stairs, that was it. She attacked me again at my car, I grabbed her by the hair and slammed her to the lawn like she was a paper doll. It was deserved, her dad witnessed it and knew it, and I never saw her once after that. Best break-up ever.

 

Focus:
We played softball together and he was dating someone else and I was in the beginning stages of my second divorce. (I'll address that in a minute.) Anyway, the female behind him got a hit and The Husband was approaching third and rounded watching to make his run home. I was done after that. It was inevitable. The expression on his face and the way he was watching the game was lightning for me.
One of the reasons his meltdown in 2011 was so devastating was because I couldn't envision a future without him. I still can't, but now I know I'll be fine one way or the other. But I want him in my life. Every day.

Alt-Focus:
Ha.
So I have two of these.
My first husband was a super jealous, insecure, controlling, emotionally manipulative asshat. He's also my kids' dad and...probably a better dad for the distance than he would be up close and personal. His kind of love is a very toxic, hard love that really doesn't do well for the people around him. He's on his fourth marriage.
We'd gone to the movies to watch The Ring and when we got back in the car, that Kid Rock / Sheryl Crowe song "Picture" came on and I don't know why...but I knew literally in that moment that one way or another I would leave him.
I was young. And stupid. I didn't have my own bank account until I joined the Army and even then, as soon as he could lay hands on it, he had me transfer my pay into our joint account rather than my private account. (red flag) I wasn't allowed my own pager or cell phone. (red flag) We didn't go out ever because that wasn't what couples do once they're committed (um. red flag). He constantly accused me of cheating on him (red flag) until I did (I'm a shitheel for that). He controlled our money and our accounts (red flag) and none of the bills were in my name (red flag). These were all major problems.
So. Get a job. Get your own bank accounts and hold them. And then fucking go and don't look back.

My second husband was more...sneakily manipulative...I guess? I didn't see it.
I remember the first time I saw his kitchen. It was all white and spotlessly clean. It smelled like bleach.It was pristine. The floors were even clean. White floors and there were dogs in the house and it was SPARKLING y'all. Later I discovered that the cabinets were a hot mess. Like shit was just thrown in there and piled up with no rhyme or reason or anything and it was just fucked up. Perrrrrfect analogy for his mental health. He was holding it together externally but internally he was fucked up as a football bat.
We were doing fine until he lost custody of his son and blamed me for it. His addiction and alcoholism ramped up like crazy then. The man couldn't be in public without having a preemptive beer or three. And he was eating Xanax. There was a gaming convention in Grapevine we wanted to go to and he was on board (it was something he liked, you see, so he was willing to go out for that) and it just...it was a gagglefuck the whole way getting through it all and out the door. Then George Strait's "Give it away" came on the radio and when he said "there ain't nothing in this house worth fighting over and we're both tired of fighting anyway..." I realized exactly how weary I was dealing with that man. Custody shit starts up and he's just melting down. Feeling sorry for himself. Crying all the time. Tells me one day that he is miserable in his life and he can never be happy and no one understands him and so on. And I'm like "Bro, you've got like...a wife and step kids who are here for you and your house and your car is paid for and you've got a pool in the backyard and two dogs who love you and a good stable job in this economy (this was back in like 2008 when the economy was tanking) like...what are you on about? We'll work out the kid stuff, it's just a matter of doing it..." and he's like "It's not enough. I don't even care about anything except my son." "K."
A year later (and seven or eight months after the last time we'd had sex) he looks at me (on Mother's Day) and says "I am not physically, intellectually, or emotionally attracted to you on any level." I gave him two weeks to work that out and then said "Okay fine well. Gimme time to get on my feet because I've been your trophy wife for four years now."
We agreed to call it amicably and the kids and I would be out the following June.
April the next year he pulled a shotgun on me.
I moved out the next morning.

Addiction and mental health are real situations. Learn the cycle of abuse. See it, know it, don't BE the perpetuator of abuse and recognize when you or a loved one are in that cycle and figure out a way to get the fuck out because IT ALWAYS ESCALATES. ALWAYS. THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE A TIME IT DOESN'T ESCALATE. Abusers start out small, with little belittling tiny comments here and there, to see what they can get away with. Then it keeps going. If I hadn't talked him down that night and left the next day, I may not have made it out of that marriage alive.

He was arrested for felony assault and pled down to deadly conduct with a weapon or something like that. It was a class A misdemeanor.

He's 53-54 now and dating a woman who's 22 or 23. He met her on the internet and he spits the exact same stories he used on me back in the day.

I missed the abuse warning signs and I grew up around alcoholics. He didn't do illegal drugs. Now when it comes to addiction, if the addict in my life isn't taking time to help themselves, they're out. I refuse to ever enter that rabbit hole again. I nearly died and my kids bear emotional scars from it to this day.
Fuck that guy.

 

Alt-Focus: Last year when my wife threatened to call the police and report me for domestic violence - something that has never happened - I knew it was time to slip out as soon as I safely could. I did exactly that about two weeks later.

Warnings? Be honest with yourself and don't ignore the red flags. I made excuses for why she behaved the way she did instead of saying it was unacceptable under any circumstances.