I've realized that I don't actually need to be competent in order to be successful; I just need to be on very good terms with the peer-group that I hope to be promoted into. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Directors to go and schmooze with.
Start your speech with the following: Since we're entering the year of the Dragon, and we can expect great fortune and success, you'll be pleased to note that in an effort to get things rolling, the boss who made me make this stupid speech, is resigning effective immediately since this is a waste of time a productivity. Happy New Year! Sit back, enjoy the applause. You're welcome.
If it IS the year of the dagon, where the fuck is Mickey Roarke? Will masked gunmen burst in and start mowing everybody down?
Found a copy of this book written for sex workers as a handbook on how to negotiate with clients, how to identify sti's, how to minize risk of catching STI's and a bunch of ancronym and slang so new prostitutes can understand what the fuck guys are asking for. It's somewhere between awesome, hillarious and incredibly disturbing. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to start reading this at 1 in the morning while struggling with insomnia.
Does he also want you to do it in traditional foot bindings and dress, and hand out fortune cookies after?
Welcome to having a job. I'm ridiculously professional (see: fake) at my job. 95% of my company is under the age of 40, but they are also all in serious relationships (2 years+, living together, engaged, married, married with kids on the way or married with kids here) and have no memory of what fun is. I can't ever talk about my weekend, because most of my small talk goes a little something like Spoiler Coworker: Hey how was your weekend? Parker: Great, how was yours what did you do? Coworker: Great, we (they always use we even though we have never talked about their SOs before) went to dinner with my parents, then just stayed in and watched netflix and cleared up the DVR. Parker: (Because I'm an ass) You and your roommates went to dinner with your parents? Coworker: Oh no, my (boyfriend, fiancee, husband) hahaha. What did you do? Parker: (Thinking about the fact I went out drinking Friday, Saturday with Day drinking on Sunday, made out with random girls of different levels and possible got my penis touched.) Oh nothing, just hung out, played video games, worked out a bit. Slept. When I came back from NOLA, a few asked me about it and when I talked about the ability to drink for 12 hours and hook-up with random people all day, they looked at me like I killed their children. Also, worst thing is having execs bring in their kids and I have to act like I give a fuck.
Got 8 stupid and banal text messages about work bullshit and random crap from an idiot coworker between 8:00 and 8:30 PM friday night, capping out with (having not recieved a reply to any text message he's ever sent me) 'Please tell me if I'm sending too many msgs or if you think in in dexeriencedlyl dangerous?' so I replied 'You're texting too much, and you're dangerously inexperienced. I'm a colleague, and you work for a grown up company. Stop drunk texting me'. He's sent giant babbling emails to our mutual boss crying that I'm mean. For fuck sake. I'll be so fucking happy if this tool falls into a wood chipper or something.
Yeah that's gonna work really well for him. No shit you're mean, you could at leasy chloroform the dumbass so there's less of a struggle getting him in the chipper. It's just me and the other business development guy in the sales department today. Our lead designer just spent a half hour bullshitting with us. So much for being productive!
Watched a bio on the BTK Killer. Jesus, what a sick bastard. I'm surprised they never caught the much sloppier ADD Killer. He STARTS to kill you, but then gets distracted by a flock of birds.
Nice one. My mom bought me a t-shirt from China a few years ago that is godawful* - black with a gold sparkly dragon emblazoned on the front of it - I think this speech will be the ideal time to bust that shirt out of hiding. *Not as bad as the one she bought for my brother, which was a silk shirt with a sequined dragon on the front and the words "BLING BLING" down the sleeves in rhinestones.
It's a game we all play, there's a very solid chance her side of the conversation was this: Coworker: Hey how was your weekend? Parker: Great, how was yours what did you do? Coworker: (Thinking about the fact I did some blow and had a threesome with my S/O and a hot chick in a club bathroom) Great, we went to dinner with my parents, then just stayed in and watched netflix and cleared up the DVR. Parker: You and your roommates went to dinner with your parents? (Did he seriously think this was funny?) Coworker: Oh no, my (boyfriend, fiancee, husband) hahaha (I think he was trying to be funny, better fake some laughter). What did you do? Parker: Oh nothing, just hung out, played video games, worked out a bit. Slept. The people I work with are so boring.
I swear bosses do this to mess with their employees. He's probably going to be having beer with his friends tonight, "So she has to make a speech about moving into the year of the dragon, and how it's going to create financial success for us, and everyone at the the staff meeting is going to have to sit there and take it seriously. It's going to be awesome." I'd offer words of encouragement, but I was born in the year of the rabbit. Rabbits can't fuck with dragons. Maybe you could work this into your speech?
Relating to scootah's post: I used to have a lot of problems at my previous job with people complaining that I wasn't respectful enough of them or made them feel stupid from time to time. For some reason, nurses (LVN's not RN's...big difference) can't handle when people ask them questions or ask for clarification on anything. It doesn't matter how poorly written the order is or that the reason for said order is not legit enough to actually get paid for it. You asked them a question and they can't answer and now they feel stupid. Cue the phone calls to my boss about me being unprofessional and not being "being nice" or "questioning how they do their job"(which, technically, I wasn't actually doing). I'm really sorry that your uneducated, 8 dollar an hour ass can't do your job correctly and now your panties are in a wad because you're stupid. Kindly, go back to cleaning your patient's asshole while I go find an actual medical professional who can help me.
I repped this before I went to go to a meeting, but this would be funny, if I didn't hear multiple coworkers say things like "Vegas isn't all that. The shows are great, and the food is great, not much else though."
Ever have a shitty week for absolutely no reason? Nothing bad has happened and yet I've just been annoyed all week long and I have no idea why. About to get a midterm back in a bout 45 mins so hopefully I did well on that. Either way, I need this day to end so I can start drinking.