Dude, where's my haz-mat suit?

One time my lovable retard of a mutt decided to eat all of the cat poop out of the litter box. Then, around 3am, he decided to vomit all of the cat poop onto my bedroom carpet. The mixture of vomit and shit smell was...well, exactly what it sounds like. Vomit and shit. To top it off, it was a HUGE pile of vomit, watery and gross with poop bits in it.

I dumped a box of borax on it and vacuumed it up in the morning. That stuff is magical. No poopvomit and no smell was left behind.

Close second is when he vomited up a bunch of used tampons. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him. At least they didn't smell, though.

 

Junior year of college the septic system in our duplex was backed up. The straw that broke the camel's back was apparently some guy's vomit after a wine & cheese party we had. Unfortunately, I thought it was just a clogged toilet and not a problem that would involve city maintenance workers digging out our backyard. Therefore, for the next couple days, anything the upstairs neighbors would flush down came out through the toilet and on to the bathroom floor.

After an early failed attempt, my solution was just to lay down $30 worth of Big Lots towels and hope that a space heater running for a couple days would make things sanitary. This worked well enough until the sewage began seeping into the basement. I threw the towels down there and finally made the landlord start taking responsibility.

 

Female bathroom at combat training.

I always thought that women were cleaner than men. Always. You know the stereotype - Dad works, Mom cleans. Son is a messy slob, daughter is a neat freak.

And then I got stuck on a working party where the sergeant said, "The heads need to get cleaned. You, you, (me) and you. Go clean that head." We didn't think anything of the fact that it was the female head; we thought that we were skating. After all, females are clean! Their bathroom probably smelled like roses and cinnamon. Right? Right?

We were WRONG.

I walk in, and my buddy goes "What. The. Fuck." The first thing I notice is all the hair. Hair is EVERYWHERE. We had just spent two weeks in the field, and all the women had decided to shave their legs. More than a hundred women had shaved their legs in that bathroom... and they just left it there.

They all had their periods at the same time, and bloody tampons were everywhere.

We spent the next five minutes just checking the place out.

Half of the toilets were clogged, but instead of unclogging them (plungers were readily available) they just kept shitting in them. So instead of a minor clog, we had shit lasagna in each of the clogged toilets. Shit, paper. Shit, paper. Shit, paper. Completely unplungeable; it had to be done by hand. All of the sinks were covered in strange residue - part soap, part lotion, part shaving cream. The same applied to the mirrors. It was like all of them had said "WOOOO COVER EVERYTHING WITH EVERYTHING. LET'S DO IT!" The showers had empty bottles of body wash everywhere, most of which were covered in wet glistening leg hair thanks to the still-running water mixing the two together. All of the drains were clogged with... you guessed it. So the place was ankle-deep in water, filled with a fragrant concoction of toilet overflow, body wash, and hair. Because it was a unisex bathroom, there were urinals (the big pig-trough ones so men can mark their territory together). The females apparently had never experienced these things before, because they treated them like regular toilets... which meant there was shit in them. And toilet paper. And more hair.

After talking to the sergeant, (who said "I don't give a fuck how nasty it is. Your platoon has duty, not theirs") we cleaned it. All of it. With two mops, two brooms, a bucket, and lots and lots of trash bags. My buddy threw up while trying to unclog one of the Shit Lasagnas. I plugged my nose with the earplugs in my pocket.

Later on, we were doing the final training evolution and got stuck in a cinderblock house while the instructors attacked us. The females got sick of getting ambushed every time they went to go to the bathroom and just shit and pissed in a corner of their room. Thankfully, THEY had to clean that up.

Women, I don't know what to say. I felt like crying as I double-bagged my hands and waded through hairy water picking up bloody tampons. My buddies punctuated the silence by saying "This is fucking nasty" every five seconds. And I didn't even tell them to shut up because their words didn't even do it justice. What the fuck?

 

I worked summers for my sleazebag numbskull fuckface open sore of an uncle, a contruction company where I got paid jackshit to do horrible random labouring jobs. It was drinking and concert ticket money, so I did it and it was 40 hours a week which was more scratch than I was used to making do I did it. One day, some idiot employees through scrap concrete in the dumpster, enough that the garbage truck wouldn't be able to lift and dump it. Because Shitstain In Hairplugs didn't want to pay an extra $50 dumping fee, he ordered me into the dumpster to clear out enough rubble for the arms of the truck to lift in up.

The kicker was he through out all the dog shit that waited patiently under snow for 5 months from his two gigantic German Pointers also in said dumpster. He then had the nerve to give me shit because I used an expensive filtered mask to block the unbelievably disgusting smell. He wanted me to use a disposal paper mask. I blew my stack and started calling him out on personal family atrocities he committed. In the end, I swollowed my pride, wore three layers over coveralls and gloves, hit rock bottom, and cleaned the fucking rubble out. I was fucking infuriated and refused to stay within eyesight of him for weeks. Asshole. Enjoy being drunk alone all the time in your big ugly-ass empty house.

 

This is small-fry but I swear women have something against bathrooms. I was subletting a place from two girls while they were both away on business and their bathroom was completely non-functional. Black mold, sure no problem, tampon stuck to the tile behind the garbage can, understandable, accidents happen. What got me was that the sink was taking like five minutes to drain.

I had to take the u bend off and then, when pulling at the hairball with my fingers didn't work, I did my best abortionist impression with a coat-hanger. Two-foot long hair-log, if I could have found a way to kill the musty smell I would have mounted it like a bass hung it up in the living room.

What really got to me more than anything was that the door handle was broken, had been for months, and both of them are engineers.

 

Posted this awhile ago:

But I did once have to clean up from an old man. I was running a store and was the only person working. An older couple came in with their daughter (who was renting space in the building). The old man came up to me and asked where the bathroom was. He was about 90 and with a cane.

I went to do some work and about a half hour later his daughter comes and asks if I had seen him. Tell her the last I saw him was going to the bathroom and head upstairs. I come down one minute later and the place is empty. So I check the bathroom and it's Armageddon. Again, shit literally everywhere. It was obvious he shit his pants and tried to clean it. There were hand marks everywhere made of shit. Sink, floor, side of the bowl, walls, wherever you could get shit, there was shit.

This time I walked in with a full gallon of cleaner and just covered everything. My favorite part, hanging on the disabled person's bar was his cane. See those fuckers were just going to run out and never say anything to me like he didn't do it. They had to come back for his cane. All I got was "Sorry, he's old". I wanted to kill her.

 

I did the same thing once. In 2003-2004 I worked at a convenience store. For the most part, it was an absolute blast: the perfect mix of irresponsibility and authority, flexible hours, and lots of fun. I was pretty much like Randall Graves from "Clerks" parts 1&2.
Me and the other guys working there would drink beers in the cooler and do lines of blow in the kitchen area, and I even had a cash register skimming operation going for awhile and never got caught. I usually worked graveyard shift, and I can attest that women are much worse in the bathroom. Over the weekends, I could pretty much guarantee that the women's bathroom was going to get covered in puke. The worst thing I usually ever found in the men's room was piss on the floor and a bunch of empty coke-baggies.
There was one exception though. One evening I was getting off at 10 pm, and it was about 9:50. The girl for the next shift was already there and counting out her cash box. I decided to check the bathrooms to see if they needed any supplies like I always did, and in the men's room someone took a shit on the floor. The runny liquid shit was poured along the side of the bowl, but the mother load was right there on the floor.
I could have just said everything was fine and clocked out, but the girl coming in was really nice and I liked her, so I decided to take reponsibility for it.
I filled up the mop bucket about half way with hot water and poured almost a whole bottle of bleach into it. Then I stuck my legs in trash bags like some kind of impromptu hip waders and just threw the water in the bucket at the toilet.
In retrospect, this just made a bigger mess, but I had never been in a situation like this before.
I got out that night at about 10:30 and went home and took two showers.

Edit: Believe it or not, I actually took a picture of the shit/toilet; I had a one-time use camera at the time and needed to finish off the last couple of pictures on it so I could get it developed, and I figured none of my friends would believe that someone actually took a shit on the floor. I've still got the picture somewhere around here, and I'll post it up if I can find it.

 

Part of a summer job a few years ago was cleaning the city's septic sewers. I've had shitty sewer water sprayed all over me on a couple of occasions. Nothing's more fun than driving back home soaked in that stuff. I think I've got all of you topped by a long shot.

 

I may be stretching the focus a bit but:

New York City's storm and sanitary sewers are combined. As a result, after a moderate amount of rainfall, the system is overwhelmed, and millions of gallons of runoff and untreated sewage are dumped into various water bodies around NYC via something called a combined sewer outfall (CSO). So after a spring rain, the Hudson River, Gowanus Canal, etc. are kind of like Venice in the summer. Without the Italian guys in goofy hats paddling weird canoes around.

I had the privilege of doing a fish survey in one of these water ways, at the head of which were two huge (about 6 feet diameter) CSOs. After dragging my net several hundred feet, I pulled it up and had to sift through the detritus to determine if I had caught any fish. And by detritus I mean Coney Island Whitefish (used condoms) and numerous turds. The stench was quite unpleasant. Sorting through crap with your (gloved) hands can make man rethink his career goals.

 

Nearly all of these places have been since killed off by the internet, but back in my early 20's in the 1990's I decided to go have a look in one of Melbourne's sex cinemas where they used to screen X rated porn, sell porn magazines and also have "peep shows".

So, I gathered up the courage, snuck in via the discreet side entrace, sheepishy paid my entrance fee and walked into the rather smallish sex cinema to join the rest of the perverts.
After about an hour of watching porn up on the screen and then a strip show by some flabby chick with a c-section scar, I decided to check out the rest of the facilities.
I went and had a look at the collection of porno mags ... all sealed up in plastic and then went past the "peeps" section, consting of a number of booths positioned around a cental room within which a chick was slowly stripping to music.
Every time you put a dollar into the slot, a window would open up and you had full view for about a minute or two.

I decided to try one of the other booths to see if I could get a better view ... I took two steps into another booth and my senses were assaulted with a thick stench. I reeled back and got the fuck out of there before I threw up.
The previous pervert or perverts that had been using the room had been doing more than just putting in coins and enjoying the view.
I don't know which poor bastard had the job of cleaning up afterwards, but they would have needed a full chemical suit and breathing apparatus, and a hosing down with industrial detergents.

As I walked out onto a dark Melbourne lane, the city air had rarely seemed cleaner and fresher.

 

I've said before on here that my girlfriend is an Emergency Veterinarian. Sometimes I visit her at work. Not too long ago I was there when a critical patient came in. It was a pit that had moron owners and they were breeding her. Well, she had gone into labor 4 days prior and had complications. She had said complications on the first day and they waited and hoped that it would work out. It didn't. The dog had 5 puppies but there were supposed to be 6.

The smell of a dead puppy that has been in its mom for 4 days trumps any kind of puke, sewage, rotten milk, feces, or anything else I have encountered. Also, I was a little hungover and that didn't help whatsoever.

 

Alright, I promised y'all a picture, and goddamit I'm going to deliver!
I know it doesn't look as bad as I remember, but I had to actually clean that up.

 

Back when I was living with an ex-girlfriend, we had a roommate that had been living there before I had moved in. She moved out one day and left all of her worldly possessions in her room. We had never gone in there, mostly because this girl looked like this. We were slightly concerned that this girl hadn't packed a single thing, but not too much because we hadn't actually seen her bring anything or anybody in there.

The day we opened the door was like looking at the End Times, localized within a nine by nine bedroom. I heard the sound of cats being slaughtered, and there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. Clothes had been thrown hither and yon. Food had been left on dishes we had thought had gone missing weeks or months ago. A drinking glass had been so thoroughly caked to a plate that the only way we would have been able to get it off would have been a chisel.

Instead of dumping her used tampons in the trash, there was a bloody cotton teepee under the foot of the bed. Rope had been tied to the headboard. We also found various dildos (most of them in pieces), and what appeared to be used condoms. I refuse to believe she actually had sex, let alone convinced someone to tie her up.

After being literally up to our knees in filth, it took the both of us the entire weekend to get to the point that the room wasn't a hazardous waste dump.

 

My first job had a grease trap on the side of the building. It was like an in-ground septic tank, and everything that went down this restaurant's drains (floor, dish sink, any drain that might have grease go down it) went through here. One night it failed and backed up. Late night, ready to leave, and I hear a strange gurgling sound. I look down to see the most vile shit I have ever witnessed pooling up out of a floor drain. It somewhat resembled the Graboid innards from Tremors 2, but to be more detailed, it looked as if someone had taken a massive amount of vomit, mixed it with an equal amount of grease, and let it stew for a few weeks. Very orange, and very viscous. This stuff started bubbling out of every floor drain in the back of house, as well as the bathrooms.

I could have handled all of that, but the smell is what got me. Put a gaping asshole in a sealed room, burn a few pounds of plastic, throw in the entire milk production of the world's largest dairy farm for an entire year, and let it all sit for a week. Then burn some more plastic, and take a shit or two in there. That's what it smelled like. I have never known a more awful stench than this.

Even worse, the owner came in with three painter's masks for us to wear while we cleaned. Counting him, there were four of us. Guess who didn't get a mask.