I don't know if any of you guys listen to Lex and Terry on the radio, but they have this Dee character on the show. I guess this is the story behind the video: Three times a week Dee wanted to do a 5 minute workout video so he could lose weight along with the viewers. And hopefully educate them in the process. Once he saw the first video he made, he quickly realized that it wasn't going to work and gave up on this dream. He accidentally left this tape at work or something, and the other guys thought it was hilarious and posted it on youtube to make fun of him basically. I love how the dances get progressively more awesome and hilarious. FOCUS: What have you jumped into head first, only to realize that you completely suck at it?
Running. I love to run, yet, no matter how hard I try, I will never be any good at it. This summer I ran 3-4 times per week and while things did improve for me, I don't believe I will ever run a marathon. Or even a half marathon for that matter. The most discouraging moment came when my brother decided to come for a run with me. He smokes 1 pack of cigarettes per day, hasn't done anything active in probably a year and still out ran me. Sure he used to run track when he was younger, but what the fuck? I quit smoking over 14 months ago, worked out on a regular basis and ran 3 times a week and can't even keep up after 35 minutes. The mocking I received was unbearable: "well, Ryan, I've always had a slight edge!" "How long have you been doing this and you're only at this point...let's go wheezy" "It must be your technique." He's my younger brother, I'm so ashamed.
I can't blow a bubble. In goes the gum, chew, chew, chew, try to blow bubble, out goes the gum. Awesome.
Anything requiring coordination. I am just a tall, clumsy mess. I am constantly running into things or falling down or tripping. The only thing I have had moderate success with was volleyball, and that was only because I played from middle school through senior year of high school and worked my ass off for years. And even then I was always injuring my shoulder or ankles. I sprained my ankle about 2 weeks ago, because I fell down a small flight of stairs. I'm awesome. For exercise, I usually stick to the elliptical - there's not too much that can go wrong.
I can not snap my fingers. I've practiced, I've had different people try to teach me, it's useless. Also, I can't whistle very well. I like to think the whistling isn't too bad, but in reality I sound like a boiling kettle going off. Great.
Surfing. I dove headfirst (literally) into the sport while going to college five minutes from a semi-renowned East Coast surf spot. I didn't just go every now-and-then. I went almost daily during my first summer. It didn't take me long to stand up -- I have decent balance -- but after that I reached a plateau. I couldn't figure out how to turn or handle the board. I would catch a wave, pop up, and just ride straight through the whitewash for a few seconds. For anyone unfamiliar with surfing, you're supposed to catch a wave and immediately turn to stay away from where it's breaking. This perplexed me, because I was pretty good at skateboarding as a kid and I remain a proficient snowboarder. I kept at it, though. I subscribed to two surf magazines. My room became a haven for surfing posters. I went to surf video premieres and watched The Endless Summer like 499,908,127 times. Despite the constant attempts and practicing both in and out of the water, I could never manage anything except a slow, arcing left turn that didn't do me much good on most waves. I sold my surfboard after two years, only because I graduated and accepted a job hundreds of miles from the nearest ocean. If I'd stayed close to a beach I imagine I'd be in my fourth year of turn-less surfing. Anti-Focus: My new extreme sport is rock climbing. Apparently I'm pretty good at it, because I already can climb harder routes than my main partner. He's been doing it for three years and is regarded as average.
I'm a horrible marcher. I was perfectly fine at it until around the 3rd week of basic training. After that, everyone else seemed to get better and catch on while I was constantly on my face doing push-ups. Other people would sneak and write letters at night as I practiced marching. Luckily this isn't a skill that is actually needed in the military outside of a training environment.
Running: I tried running for exercise once . I've been on and off work out phases for the past two years and when I get a good rhythm going I can keep up with working out for months at a time, shaping and strengthening up a bit each time. Two years ago I dropped 25 lbs from 175 to 150 just from weight lifting and eating right. I still had a semi beer gut. I figured if I'd start running to drop the rest of the weight and end up with the coveted wash board stomach. I really had no fucking clue on what it takes to run for any amount of distance for any amount of time. So one hot August day I laced up and went for a jog. My apartment was at the bottom of a huge hill, which I managed to make about 2/3rds the way up before I started to get one of those side cramps. I ran/walked around the loop of the park that was up the street. Probably less than a mile. I was drenched with sweat and completely winded. I sputtered home and never ran again. Regardless of how much weight I can lift I still have next to zero stamina. Singing: Like many first episode American Idol contestants I had the idea somewhere in the back of my head that I could someday be a lead singer and travel the country fucking big tittied groupies off of the talents of my wind pipes. Also like these contestants I never actually tried to sing before. So one night at karaoke I decided to give it a shot. I picked Ain't Nothing But a G Thang figuring I knew the song by heart and could at least get the words right. I was Dre and my friend was Snoop. I fucking bombed that shit hard. I couldn't keep up with the rhythm or the words (even though it was a slowed down karaoke version). About five bars in a buddy of mind who sang and played drums in a real band snagged the mic from me and finished the song with his girlfriend who also knocked it dead. I felt so dejected and drove home that night with that rock star dream shattered...
After reading the drunk thread I apparently really suck at being a pirate. (I have very little recollection of yesterday's events, but I do know that this morning the bottom of my rowboat was covered in shell casings. Apparently I had a grand old time yesterday once I went beer shopping. But there are still snapping turtles in my pond.) Fuck. The first family member arrives in 10 hours and I'm already drunk, which wouldn't be so bad except that I need to drive 100 miles to the airport to pick her up. I do believe a nap is in order. My niece that arrives at 10:30 tonight actually shares my warped sense of humor and loves it when her crazy uncle goes off on an insane adventure. My father's widow (Who is arriving an hour later) doesn't really see things the same way. I'm going to have to act like a human being for two weeks, I don't know if I can do that.
Riding a motorcycle. Some skills, I think, have to be learned before the age of 16 when your brain is still developing. When I was a kid all the bikes I had braked via the pedals, so I'm totally unaccustomed to braking with my hands. That, and the idea that you have to push right to turn left fucks me up completely. I've taken lessons, but at no point did I ever feel like I was in control of the machine. Which is too bad, because I'd love to ride...just don't have the hand/eye/brain co-ordination for it. But I can wiggle my ears, so that makes up for it, right?
I can't throw,no matter how much energy I use the ball lands a few short feet away from me (unless I accidentally throw it straight into the ground and get splashed with mud as well) I also got shin splints from my one and only aerobics session, and when skiing can only turn left properly, even my snow plows go left. But I can back a trailer, ride a horse and a motorbike and swim!
Dude...guitar is easy. I've played longer then you've been alive with very little musical history in my family. It wasn't a hereditary thing, It's all muscle memory...I don't remember learning but I do remember many times waking up with my guitar in my lap. I've taught a bunch of people to play, but very few of them really want to learn. Also I'm 6'7" with tiny hands.I had to figure shit out on my own as far as how to play certain chords but I was able to at 10 years old so I'm sure you can.
I am unphotogenic. A good picture of me cannot be taken, regardless of the skill of the photographer.
I am 13'9". One of my hands is as big as a tractor tire, while the other can only be seen by a scanning electron microscope. I purchased a copy of Esteban's "Flamenco Without Bilateral Symmetry" DVD a few years ago, and within a few short weeks, I was a strolling mariachi. Anyone can play, with the help of Esteban!
You're suppose to turn slight right to take a left turn at higher speeds above 15 MPH. I think of it push left and extend my left hand slightly to go left. The more you think about it though the more it mind fucks you.
Do you look like a quasi-retarded drag queen in these pictures because a) your cheeks are red to begin with, and flash photography accentuates this feature b) you always blink c) your mouth is always at least partly open at awkward angles when the shutter is pressed because you don't know how to smile correctly when you think about it too hard? If not, welcome to my nightmare.
If your eyes weren't crossed it would greatly improve the overall quality of said pictures. Or just a picture of a thumb.
I've got to reiterate the "running" theme. I can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, but I can't run. It seems so goddamn simple: walk, but do it really fast. I get shin splints, my calves cramp up so bad I can hardly walk and my feet go numb. I'm not obese and I'm not diabetic. I've purchased expensive running shoes, exercised my calves...nothing helps.