I'm so hungry I could eat the south end of a north-bound skunk. Your breath [insert anything rancid here] could knock a turkey vulture off a shit truck. Sorry, that's all I got. When I saw the title of the thread I thought we were going to discuss dead babies and whether or not it was in fashion for males to take baths....
My dad has some gems in this category: (When speaking of someone who's high strung) He's all nervous and jerky. (When speaking of an overweight woman) She's big enough to burn diesel and pull her own trailer. (When he's in a good mood and you say something smartass to him) We're gonna miss you...[dramatic pause]...and SOON, too. General usage: He's shaking like a dog shitting razor blades. And: She's sweating like a whore in church.
My college roommate was from the country and had a ton of these. "I haven't seen you in a 'coons age." "It's colder than a witches' tit in here." Turn up the heat "The fuckin' cookies are DONE." Turn down the heat "More fucked than a three legged horse." "She's got a nice fartbox on her." Nice ass And my all time favorite: "It's hotter than two rag dolls fucking in a wool sock."
When I was on the track team I had my own variation of the encouraging sentiment "Run like the wind!" I'd tell my teammates to "Run like a fish!" I also enjoy "Like a rabid baboon on a banana plantation"
"Now you fucking with your draws off" Used when someone starts doing an activity correctly and stops dicking around.
' You look like a retard fucking a doorknob' . One of my friends first told me this delightful saying when I was having particular problems with some simple task.
Knock the fucking sand out of your vagina already. Your skirt's riding a bit low. Both mean "man up and quit being a pussy".
Focus: That's What She Said. No way this saying is going away any time soon. Also, the term "tube" when referring to anything with video content. It comes from back when televisions actually contained a cathode ray tube, and has some how managed to not just apply to modern TVs, but also stuff like YouTube. I also think "September 11th" is going to have a negative connotation with it for a very long time, maybe eventually becoming something like "Friday the 13th." Of course, if you remember seeing the towers go down, this would seem like a no brainer, of course the memory is going to stick. But, how many of us instantly recall Pearl Harbor when we hear "December 7th," ...not a lot. If you say "December 7th, 1941" those of us who aren't ignorant will know it's The Day that Will Live in Infamy. But, we don't refer to the attack by its date. We call it "Pearl Harbor." But, with September 11th we don't say "The attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon," we call it by its date, and I think that's going to mean the date will always carry the stigma, unlike the dates of other tragic events. Who recalls what day Katrina hit New Orleans on, or the date of the Columbine shootings?
In honour of space shuttle Atlantis’ final flight, a saying that I commonly use is launching the space shuttle to describe a complex task, as in: “Man, that was like launching the space shuttle”. Alternatively, when someone is making something more complicated than it needs to be I’ll say: “Hey, we‘re not launching the space shuttle here”. Another rather vulgar saying I have is “Tight like a twelve year old” to describe a tight fit.
In a few months that saying will be obsolete. I suggest replacing it with "Getting funding for the Constellation project." Also, here in the Rocket City, where pretty much everyone and their brother is involved in launching rockets and the space shuttle, we had to come up with an even more complicated task to use in our expressions. Thus we have "rocket surgery."
My dad has a saying for those occasions: "Now you're whistlin' Dixie out of your asshole!" "Don't let that alligator mouth overload that chickenshit ass (or mockingbird ass)." Shut your mouth before I shut it for you. "Suckin' the hind tit." When someone or something is lagging behind at a task. Ex: "Look at this report card! You're ok in English, but you're suckin' the hind tit at math!" I heard that one a lot growing up. "______ looks like he was shot at and missed, shit at and hit!" When someone has been scared or shaken up. "Let's kick it in the ass!" Hurry up.
I've never understood the phrase "To kill a mockingbird." I've read the book (and even been insulted by Harper Lee!), and the phrase comes from the idea that you shouldn't shoot mockingbirds because all they do is sing and not bother any one. (Basically, the message is to leave people alone so long as they don't harm anyone.) But, I have two mockingbirds that live in a tree in the back yard, and they are the meanest things I've seen. First, they're mockingbirds. They get the name because their call is often a fast repetition of sounds they hear from other animals; typically other birds, but sometimes cats or frogs. They mock other animals. That's not nice. Also, they will harass any bird they see as a threat. I've seen them spend hours dive bombing crows to get them out of their territory. These birds are freaking mean. If anything, you go out of your way to kill mockingbirds.
I don't know if this counts but a favourite among the Tyrone boys around here upoun seeing an ugly girl is: "Jaysus, you wouldn't ride her into battle" Becuase if you didn't know, over here a ride is a fuck.
I always thought jumping the shark was funny. Especially because of this or maybe the next generation who may never see Happy Days and will have no idea what it means.
Along with being busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and as useful as tits on a bull another one I hear a lot is I'm on it like white on rice - meaning you're going to attend to a task as soon as possible. I've also heard busier than a cat burying shit and flat out like a lizard drinking, which of course mean the same thing. Likewise, Dry as a dead dingo's donger and dry as a nun's nasty are equivalent, though as most readers here don't have a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock I would expect that to stand out like a shag on a rock.
A few more sayings I use. Shoulda Woulda Coulda - 20/20 hindsight. He/she is only good for two things... The first half of a classic line from Ren and Stimpy, the second part of which goes "no good and good for nothing". One used frequently at the office here when describing someone's lack of skill. We can't all be rocket scientists Some of us have to drop out of school and flip burgers for a living.
Anytime that my mom sees a gay person, she always describes them as being "queer as a three solar bill." I will also use this one instead of 'too bad': "tough titties". The long version of that one being "tough titties said the kitty, but the milk was good."
The phrase keep your eyes peeled has always made me wince. I have always visualized someone scraping an eyeball when I hear that.