Dixie Chic

In honour of our American friends having their upcoming Blow Shit Up Day, I thought we could honour and bathe in the demographic they both invented and perfected: Redneck Culture. It's fascinating, dirty and involves high-proof booze, jury-rigging and the discharging of many firearms but with less teeth. Why do they do it? "Because they can".

Spoiler

Focus: All things Redneck Culture. The crazier the better.

 

This shit is embarrassing. It's like Chavs in England, except white trash is somehow the cultural ambassador of Amurika. Nobody has the lack of wherewithal to seriously consider Chavs anything but a cruel joke in the drain clog of the gene pool. 'Necks? These inbred, stinking, racist, dumb, willfully ignorant, gun toting, toothless, cousin fucking, camo loving, wife beating, child slapping, high fructose cretins have become the international caricature of a typical American. Case in point: this thread exists. The fact these people have a say in the pubic discourse (not a typo once they're involved) is fucking shameful. "Squirrel Hunter" is still a viable career path in Arkansas. These fuckers are still stuck in 1865.

Oh, it's cute you think these mongrels drink anything but Keystone Light from Walmart. That's why they all have horribly distended guts. Shit beer by the gallon and a food source entirely reliant on lard. My mom actually saw one and asked me why this woman was out in the heat when pregnant and I had to tell her that was a beer belly. She was probably pregnant too, but it was mostly Natty.

So Happy 4th, America! You deserve everything you get.



(Can afford video cameras, pills, and liquor, but won't go see a dentist before his teeth rot out. Or buy floss 10 years ago)

 

We might have invented it, but god damn if Canada hasn't perfected it.

 

I live in south Texas. In a small town. Getting a concealed carry license isn't so much an act of choice but rather a right of passage. Orange is the new black, and "unarmed" is the new "you're HIV+?" The best way to describe 90% of my interactions with people in my area is that, you know how everyone makes fun of the "crazies" they see at Walmart? Well that's 90% of the people in my area.

I've learned to accept getting my hair cut by women who are missing more teeth than they have, and getting served at restaurants by women with leathery skin who smell like malboro reds. Apparently every child, boy or girl, needs their "first pair of boots" -- my newborn has already received five pairs, and my in-laws had an argument about who would give theirs to him first. Before our baby showers, my wife felt the need to specifically tell everyone "my son will not be wearing camo." Everyone around here refers to their cars, even if they're a sedan, minivan, crossover or otherwise, as a "truck" (it's kinda like people calling all types of soft drinks "coke").

I'm both embarrassed by the culture and proud of where I came from. My idea of a fun time is going around my house at night, with the black light duct taped to my .22, and shooting rat shot at scorpions trying to enter the premises. There's a small creek running through the ranch where I live and if my wife feels like fish for dinner I pack an ice chest of high life and I'm on my way to nature's grocery store. 4th of July and New Years are more important to me than christmas or my birthday, because fireworks. However, I think wrangler jeans are ugliest, most overpriced pieces of crap on the market (though saying that out loud could get me shot). While I'm into shooting and eating game meat, I'm not into the actual act of hunting, as I'm a closet hippie who'd rather feed the deer than shoot them. I commute to the city and have a real job and look presentable.

Yes, the stereotypes are real. Completely real. That vagabond begging by the side of the highway to you is "Joe from the feed store" (everyone knows Joe from the feed store) to me. Rednecks don't give rednecks a bad name, they give them an accurate name.

If you can't tell, I'm totally conflicted about where I stand on it.

 

Ahh yes let the bashing of my people commence, y'all are a bunch a racist assholes.

Keystone light is a fine beer, I use fat-back in my food, I love Livermush, bring the hate.

 

You elected Dubya twice. Twice. That second term cost American's the right to bitch about being perceived as fucking hicks. Maybe you personally aren't a fucking inbred yokel - but as a group? Americans who were of voting age during the Dubya elections taken as a group? Protest all you want, nobody cares.

By the same token, Australia's current PM is arguably even more embarrassing than Dubya. He's at least as stupid, but not as powerful. Australia really is a marvelous redneck wonderland. I hope to god that our currently elected fuckwit in chief keeps pushing and gets thrown out mid term - I don't know how I'll cope with the shame if he gets a second term.

The most redneck moment of my life was when I learned to play golf when I was about 9. My dad and his mate were both shitfaced to the point of barely walking and it was about 10 at night, in the back yard of said mate's farm house. We were walking around the dam with a 9 iron, while Dad and his mate juggled an open bottle of dark rum, a spot light, a shovel, and a bucket of kerosene. We'd find cane toads, club them with the shovel, dump them in kerosene, put them on the wet grass, set them on fire, and then I'd practice my swing.

Even as a 9 year old, I could hear phantom banjo music playing as this shit went down.

 

Hey now, stop being so sensitive. They aren't making fun of your people, they're just saying as a group they're a bunch of inbred, gun toting, cousin fucking morons. Whats so offensive about that?

Btw, does anyone else get extremely annoyed by the whole 'Murica thing? I find it really distasteful. It seems like my generation is full of self-hating Americans. I don't know if its the hipster effect or the fact that we have some guilt about Iraq or some other beneath the surface thing. There are plenty of decent and good things to be proud of here, why focus in the cliches and embarrassing things?

 

Redneck cliches are just like any other cliche. I'm sure at some point they've all been true. I live in the worst part of Mississippi which is known as the Delta. There's also a lot of good people around here. It's just hard to have any kind of fun that doesn't involve alcohol or firearms. Hell there's not even a damn multiplex/bowling alley/whatever the hell is fun within 30 miles of me. And we don't all fuck our cousins; that's reserved for the truly redneck or as we refer to them the white trash...

 

Ugh, my mom likes that stuff. When I was growing up we had some family in SC who actually made it (I don't know if that was their sole product or if it was a byproduct of some sort of butchery operation) and every so often she'd visit them to get a fix. Made the house smell awful when she cooked it. She also likes pork rinds. *shudder*

My mom is from Savannah and we visited family there a lot growing up, so I have a soft spot for rednecks and the South in general.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the Murica joke, I think for most people it is just being self-deprecating. I would much rather poke fun at ourselves than be a self-righteous "patriotic" blowhard.

 

Grits is a southern thing I don't get. I tried them (more than once) and thought they were nothing special. They look horrible,and I don't care for their taste and texture. But don't say that to a Southerner, at least a couple times when I asked for "no grits please" the server acted like I gave away the ending to a movie, then they put them on plate anyway because I "Obviously haven't given them a fair chance".

I HAVE given them a fair chance, and I just don't like them. Dont explain to me you have to "make them a certain homemade way" it won't ever convince me. They are the USA answer to haggis: only the natives find it appetizing. They look like creamed maggots.

Sorry, grits fans.

 

I would never eat a bowl of grits like you'd eat oatmeal, but shrimp and grits is the fucking TRUTH. There is a BBQ restaurant in Chicago that does Shrimp and Lemon grits that will make you fucking cry.

 

Oh hell no. I like grits, but as someone who is very picky I am not going to push food on someone who is an adult and is perfectly free to try or not try at his own convenience. I would have been pissed - they just took up room on your plate with something that you specifically did not want. I pay money at a restaurant to get what I want, not have someone act like my mother and tell me what I want.

One of my favorite ways to eat grits is to use it like a dip for my toast points.

 

Oh, hell no.

 

Beat me to it.

 

South Chicago?

Bitch, please. What is wrong with you? You mean shrimp and cheese grits. Gawd. And, I am quite certain that anywhere in Chicago can't do justice to that dish. Unless you meant Chicago, South Carolina. Charleston, Hilton Head, Savannah, St. Simons - these are places where you can get this.

I never have understood grits with sugar or syrup. I always like mine salty, with cheese. And, I usually stir my grits in with my scrambled eggs.

My freshman college roommate is from Pennsylvania. He had never heard of grits (or kudzu). We went to eat a diner the first week, and he asked me what grits were. I started explaining, and he asked "how many do you get?" I said, "I don't know - about a million."

Kiss my grits.

 

Is that a Southern Pride thing as well? You either cook your grits below the Mason-Dixon line or fuck you? Hey, I might not be from Baton Rouge but I can cook a mean chicken gumbo. I think.

 

I don't think its necessarily the grits, which is probably just personal preference based on how you were introduced to them, but the fact that you just can't get the fresh shrimp that makes it awesome elsewhere.