So I just moved back home after spending the summer in Alaska and have been hanging out in the garage late at night so I can be my usual loud self while everyone goes to bed at 8 pm in this house. Well unbeknownst to me my step mom has the same phone as I do and as I walked through the kitchen her phone received a text, which has the same alarm as I do. So without thinking I picked it up, thinking it was my phone. Well, the text was from some dude named "Bill" and it said something suggestive around the lines of "I want you to ride me hard". I was about to respond thinking it was some wrong number/crank text until I realized that I don't know anyone named "Bill" and that the name was programmed into the phone. Then I realized it wasn't my phone. Then I realized what the fuuuuuuck. Well of course I had to go through the inbox to see what the hell is going on. Well, there were about 6 older texts that were sent with responses that were equally suggestive. I guess it would be considered sexting although I always equated that to sending pictures. Although there was nothing in the messages that make me believe she is having an affair, it is still very incriminating stuff. The weird question is why would she just leave her phone right on the table like that? I mean, my dad is the most technological illiterate person around and probably wouldn't know how to open a text if his life depended on it, but still, what the fuck? The dilemma obviously becomes do I confront her about it. I certainly have no interest in breaking apart the family and do love her and my little step brother but it is kind of ridiculous. This situation is really like shooting game winning foul shots. You never think that it will be you that it happens to but you'll eventually find yourself getting fouled with no time on the clock. Focus: Ever cheated, been cheated on, or caught someone red handed and joined in for your ultimate fantasy? Alt. Focus: What is your stance on snooping on your partner's phone or email? Should you have nothing to hide so what is the problem or is it still none of your business?
None of my business/none of her business. I don't think this should be taken to extremes. If I touch her phone to make a phone call and she flips out, I'm probably going to be suspicious - or at the very least, be frustrated that she doesn't trust me to not snoop. But generally, I don't think two people need to share every thought or communication in their life. She doesn't know my email password and I don't know hers. She has the unlock key for my phone but it's usually in my pocket and when she uses it, it's for internet/calling and she doesn't snoop. It seems bizarre to me that some people think you shouldn't be able to have private thoughts/communications.
She's not your partner, burn that trust bridge to the ground, screaming "You're not my real mom!" the entire way.
I've gone into my previous experiences with cheating before around here--both my indiscretions and others'--so aside from saying that cheating sucks and you definitely shouldn't do it, I'm not going to go any deeper. As far as the Alt. Focus is concerned, I'm a firm believer that my phone is an extension of my privacy. If you have a question for me, ask me directly. If I catch you snooping around on my phone, email, etc., then you've seriously betrayed my trust. I caught my current girlfriend going through my texts about a year ago after she got back from a conference. Apparently, she just wanted to make sure that I didn't go and smoke weed with a buddy of mine who still does while she was gone (I didn't). In hindsight, my initial reaction was probably disproportionate to the offense, but the message that I outlined above was made very clear. She apologized, and has never done it again since. When she wants to know something, she asks, and I tell her the truth--for better or worse. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more important than trust. Regarding your situation, I think you should say something to her. When stuff like this comes up that could affect your family, I've always felt that you have a duty to act in some way.
As far as your dad is concerned, it is your dad. Your loyalty to him should be paramount in your decision. Unless he's a mincing, boy hungry pederast or something. The kind of dishonesty, and the pure effort, it takes to undertake a prolonged, covert affair is really something. That speaks volumes about her character. She is completely disrespecting your family, your dad, that home. Also, leaving the phone in plain view almost as a tease to his trusting her is foul. She is not only cuckolding him, but setting him up as a buffoon. You can guarantee she got at least one chuckle out of that, probably with her lover. That's just as fucking bad. I'd confront her right before I went to my dad. See what kind of bullshit excuse she has. Then again, that's not your business. It ends with you telling your dad. She's his problem. But, me, I'd go for the throat. I need my privacy and respect another's. Really, I don't care too much what she may be doing. Behind each other's back people flirt, they talk rot, fantasize, other catharsis that may or may not be infidelity according to the rules of the relationship. At the end of the day you should know where you stand with a person. It's hard for me to imagine that someone doesn't know when their spouse is cheating. For instance they may appear happy for a change.
If my wife checked my e-mail behind my back or went through my phone for the express purpose of covertly reading my texts or anything similar, I would lose my shit. Utterly. I would view it as a serious betrayal. But on the flip side, if she asked to see any of that, up to and including any chat logs I might have lying around, I would show her without reservation. I don't do anything I think she would object to in the first place and proactively inform her if I'm unsure after the fact so I have nothing to hide, but there's something different about that vs. having her go behind my back to snoop. The first is us being open and communicative and the second is a form of dishonesty. Generally speaking we don't share passwords for e-mail anyway, but we do share PINs for bank accounts. It's definitely been a progression over time. I used to cringe at the idea of anyone seeing my computer screem, regardless of how innocuous whatever I was doing, but over the years I have grown comfortable with her seeing me chat, e-mail, play games, whatever. Thought it really does come rushing back if someone other than my wife is nearby while I use my computer and I *hate* when people who aren't us use it in the first place. It takes me a long time to be ok with someone using my computer other than me and it's always a per person process. In the end, my wife has zero reason to snoop on me anyway, I am so informative (quite possibly overly so about crap she doesn't care about) that there's just no percentage in it. And I don't worry that she's going to because I trust her and she trusts me. I also don't snoop on her, I ask her if something seems odd to me and we talk about it.
I've cheated before and it is my biggest regret. To be honest I've not actually forgiven myself for it and let it go, I've tried to reason with my self, rationalised and explained it again and again, yet it is still there, haunting me. this ended up a lot longer than I thought: Spoiler 2 years ago I just started working at a bar ran by a friend of mine, on my first shift I met L and instantly fell for her. She was my ideal girl, smart, sarcastic, beautiful, dark hair, pale skin and slim. We got on really well from the start, we both liked each others sense of humour and enjoyed spending time with each other. We were both very shy and bashful, it took so long for both of us to work up the courage to do something about what we felt for each other. It was ridiculous, everybody else could see it yet we were being idiots about it. We ended up getting together over christmas and became pretty much inseparable. We would visit each other at work, she would come in and wait for me to finish when I was working at the club I also worked at and when she was working the late shifts at the bar I would cook her dinner and bring it in for her (whipped I know, but I did it out of my own volition, plus I only lived a 5 minute walk away). Things were going great, we were in love and happy and all that, aside from the both of us being a bit emotionally distant at times there was next to nothing that even resembled an issue. Then I fucked it all up. I've gone through this night countless times, trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking and I still don't know. The club I worked at was having a special event, we had bands on all night in the top floor as well as the DJ's on the lower floor and was expected to be one of the busiest nights of the year so far. The boss was off in London for a stag do leaving me in charge. Unfortunately one of the 3 other bar staff we had drank so much the previous night that she had to be hospitalised, leaving me and the other two, one of which started the week before and needed babysitting pretty much most of the time. 3 bar staff, 2 bars, 2 floors. The whole night is a complete blur, I just remember it being ridiculously busy, running from the top floor to the cellar to get change from the safe, change barrels and grab stock, dealing with any issues that came up while making sure everything was running smoothly and trying to serve people when I got the chance. I was doing the job of 3 people and was stressing the fuck out, so I started to hit the rum. HARD. I remember seeing my ex there. We broke up when she moved to the other end of the country but we were still friends and on good terms, I didn't really talk to her much as I was running around like a madman for most of the night until much later when I was getting a smoke outside. We chatted for a bit and caught up with each other, gave her a hug which turned into a kiss. I went back to work and tried to forget about it. We didn't see each other for the rest of the night, she went off to some party somewhere and I had to get the club ready for the next night. Around 6am, shithoused and exhausted I make it home, take my sleeping pills and get into bed. At 6:15 I get a call off her, asking if she can stay at mine as she's too drunk to drive home and needs somewhere to crash. I didn't really want her to risk driving or having no where to stay so said yes. She comes round and immediately gets into my bed. At this point I am barely conscious. I know I didn't sleep with her, mainly because I remember her trying to give me a bj but in the state I was in, it just wasn't going to happen. When I woke up the next day she wasn't in my bed, I thought the entire thing had been a horrible dream until I find her downstairs. Reality sunk in. I had just fucked up royally. I had betrayed the woman I loved. L came into work that night. She knew something was up and had heard that me and my ex had been seen together. We had an argument consisting of her telling me that she hated me and me apologising, trying to explain what happened and why as best I could and ended with us breaking up. Did I mention I worked with her? To say the least, work was uncomfortable, especially as she was best friends with most of the staff at the bar. I deservedly felt like a complete and utter cunt. A week or two of apologising and promises to make it up to her we end up getting back together and after a while, everything was back to normal. But beneath the surface, what I did was eating her away. After that she understandably couldn't trust me. She became increasingly emotionally distant at times, often to the point of virtually ignoring me in work and not saying why she was upset with me. I was so self absorbed I couldn't see why she was upset with me, thinking that she had gotten over it. We lasted another 5 months. Towards the end my ex had started seeing one of my friends (J), I said to both my friend and my ex that I was happy for them (I genuinely was) and hope it all worked out for them, L found out that I had been speaking to her again and started freaking out. Again perfectly understandable, and again I was so self absorbed that I couldn't see that my behaviour was wrong since I knew there was nothing behind it, yet I couldn't see how it looked from her perspective. This all came to a head on J's birthday night out, we were all in fancy dress. This year the theme was circus. The ex turned up moments before L did. She saw me saying hello to her and got very upset. We broke up that night, in clown make up. Did I mention I worked with her?.. Yeah, that was an incredibly fun couple of months while I got the money together to run off to India for 6 months. Those that knew what happened hated me and gave me shit. L and I had to pretend to be pleasant to each other, even though how we felt about each other changed on a daily basis, but pretty much most shifts we worked together it would end in an argument over nothing. Since then I've constantly questioned what I did that night and why, wishing that there was a way I could take it back because there was an incredibly good chance that L and I would have ended up settling down together. It doesn't help that she was in my eyes the most beautiful woman I've ever laid hands on and had the best sexual chemistry. But I've had to reconcile that I irreparably destroyed her trust in me and that is something I will never get back. I know that in all likelihood I'll find another girl who I''ll fall for just (if not more) as hard for and that in truth, as much as I loved her, I clearly didn't love her enough, otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did.. Or at least thats what I tell myself. All I know is, I would do anything to undo that one thing. Long story short, 1) do not dip your pen in the company ink, 2) and for the love of god don't fuck it up
I've cheated once in the conventional sense, i.e., violated the established constraints of my relationship. It was my high school sweetheart, and it was devastating. We stayed together for another year or more, but I think the incident underlined to him just how much weight I placed on sex at the time. That, combined with his parents' recent divorce, has essentially obliterated his belief in love. To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, either, likely because I'm kinda scary (or so Pinkcup tells me). I think I'm a ball of sunshine and kittens until someone intentionally steps on my toes, and at that point, my wrath is deserved. I snooped in the Ex's Facebook and email years ago. I found something I didn't like. We had a talk. He realized either that he should be afraid of me or that he should hide things better (or both). Now that we're exes, I have the key to his house and I'm often there for hours on end. I've looked through the closets and drawers, and the only interesting thing I found was his Ka-bar. No pictures, no sex paraphernalia, no letters or notes. It was disappointing. I haven't tried to access his phone or email, but I doubt he'd take issue if I asked. His life is boring, as is mine. That being said, I don't know his Swype pattern and he doesn't have my passcode. Just because we have nothing to hide from each other doesn't mean we shouldn't each have a bit of privacy (before anyone calls hypocrisy, he knew full well that I would snoop when he gave me the key). I'm still unclear on something from the original post - was the stepmom returning the dirty texts, or just receiving them? I only ask because, lucky girl that I am, I get a lot of cock shots from random acquaintances that I've never had and never will have sexual interest in. However, I keep the pictures anyway for the embarrassment factor - if you send a random girl a picture of your penis without provocation, you deserve a bit of ridicule.
This is a sensitive subject. One of the reasons I think I am so fucked up with relationships and women is the fact that I found out my mom was cheating on my dad (if not physically, then emotionally for sure) back when I was around 14. Spoilered for people who want to know how/why I know this: Spoiler My family used to just have one computer for everyone (5 person family) and I was always trying to be on it because I was a little nerdy gamer teenager who played Warcraft 3. I noticed my mom was always on Yahoo Messenger, which she claimed she used to talk to her best friend "Aunt Lupe." (Which I believed, because Aunt Lupe is my mom's fucked up college friend, and they are really close.) The computer room was in between the main room and my bedroom, so I walked through there every time I went to my room. I began to notice that every time I came in to talk to my mom or walk through, she would minimize whatever yahoo messenger window was up. I began to check the history, interested to see where my mom was visiting (I was curious, it never occurred to me that this was snooping.) It was to the point that I would walk out to the bus stop, then come back in pretending like I left something in the room to see if my mom was on the computer talking on yahoo messenger, which she was. Naturally I got suspicious after awhile, and I began to wonder what my mom was hiding. I didn't really think it was anything big, maybe she and Lupe were having conversations that she didn't want me to read, which I understood. This all changed when one day I got back from school and noticed that a couple of windows were minimized on the computer screen, so I popped them up and took a look. It was an alternate email account my mom had, with emails from at least three different guys she was talking to. I freaked out and closed that window after reading one email from a guy that said he was from the area and interested in meeting up. Another window that was minimized was adultfriendfinder, with my mom's account on it. The last one was a conversation with her and this guy, which wasn't sexual, but rather talking her day and things that were bothering her. I distinctly remember one line being "yes, but my husband doesn't listen to me like you do." After that I would continuously uninstall yahoo messenger as my passive aggressive way to deal with it, and it would always be reinstalled within a week. This happened for the next two years until I think she stopped. I am not sure if she ever met up with anyone, but that kind of betrayal on my father and family by her has made me wary of women in general. This is actually the first time I've spoken or written out this story to anyone/thing. Lucky TiB. I've never confronted my mom about it, and her and my dad are still together and just celebrated their 25th anniversary this last August. I figure I might bring it up to her once all of my younger siblings are in college, but I then again I might just bring this to my grave. My younger siblings don't know, and I am pretty sure my dad doesn't either, so either my mom should tell him or no one should. So no, I would never cheat on a girl I was dating. But then again I'm 21 and I've only had one-night stands and friends with benefits...wonder why?
She was both receiving and returning texts, about 6 total each way. I'm a little surprised at how willing some of you are to just blow the whole thing up. The repercussions would almost be unfathomable to the family. The step-mom and step-brother would have to move out with nowhere to go, my dad would lose this house seeing as he wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage by himself, and my dad would probably never even bother dating again (3rd marriage, 50 years old). Hell, maybe they have some weird pact where she's allowed to look around. Thankfully I'm only in this place for another week.
Yes I've cheated, and yes I've been cheated on. I do think a distinction needs to be made as to whether it was merely a one night drunken fling, or an ongoing physical and emotional relationship. I think there's a huge difference between banging a chick from high school by the dumpster behind the bar when you're 23 (I did) and having an ongoing relationship with the man married to your best friend (she did, different girl). I was young and stupid and didn't grasp the implications of my actions, but the relationship quickly went downhill after I cheated. I was lucky when I was cheated on, I had mentally checked out of that relationship months prior, and didn't find out about the affair until months after we broke up. If you or your partner feel the need to do this, check out of the relationship now. It's a door you can't close once opened and never leads to anything positive.
I'm a little surprised you wouldn't stick up for your dad. There are ways to broach the subject tactfully. From the information you gave us the entire thing sounds suspect to you. Open marriage included. That's an afterthought. Would you want to know if your wife was cheating on you? Or would you rather be completely ignorant to it because you're protecting your equity? You sound more worried about your own comfort level here. I'm also assuming your dad has no idea. Maybe he's plotting some kind of Hitchcockian revenge. But if he's been married three times in 30ish years I'm also going to assume he's drawn to troubled women, and/or has his own issues that would dissrupt a marriage towards that end. No offense to your mother who is no doubt a wonderful woman and a saint.
Cheated? No. I've been cheated on. I see being cheated on as bad, yes. But it is also the one opportunity in your relationship where you get carte blanche. The relationship kind of sucked anyway, so I used mine to end it. Get your things and leave, I'm single again and loving it. By the way, when you tell somebody to get their stuff and and get out, Despite whatever protests they are sure to make, be sure you supervise them the entire time. And watch them close.
It's interesting, because this exact scenario was brought up on TMMB and the replies on the advice thread were the exact opposite to what everyone here is saying. I like the replies here better, though. It would be a little different if it were a friend you didn't know well, but I think you should stick up for your close friends and family members, even if that means that other friends and family members are the ones doing the wronging. Talking to your mom first would be priority, but in the end, whether it be you or her, your dad needs to know. It should come from her, but if she is too cowardly to do so, well...that puts you in an awkward position. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't fun and doesn't feel good. Sometimes it simply sucks.
Tell her she needs to own up to what she is doing. Its not your place to tell your dad. It needs to come from her. Also anytime all 3 of you are in the room completely deny that she is even there. Ignore her at all costs. And when your dad asks you whats up, just direct it at her.
I've often thought about this. My aversion to relationships has been well-documented on here, as has my habit of being "the other woman." My behaviour has lead me to some un-romantic beliefs: - Married guys are easier to attract than single guys - Anyone will cheat given the right circumstance - Monogamy does not necessarily equal love, nor does infidelity mean that love is not present Every married/involved guy I've been with has, I assume, loved his wife. I never thought for one minute that I was getting myself into a relationship that might end with him leaving her, nor is that something I would EVER want. The guys I've been with haven't been bad men. They've just acted out sexually, I guess, because pure monogamy wasn't something they were predisposed to and - obviously - it WAS something that mattered to their wives. I've probably biased myself into thinking that it isn't the huge gigantic breach of everything that some people make it out to be. I dislike the secrecy and the dishonesty factor...it's a shame more people can't just be open about what they want in their relationships. However, cheating doesn't immediately make you a horrible person who doesn't love his partner. Personally, I tend towards monogamy. It appears to be the way that I'm wired. Every time I've had a steady FB/FWB/whatever, I've been exclusive to that one person. I've often thought, though, that if I was married and my husband was cheating, would I want to know? I don't think I would. If I never suspected and I was never exposed to any disease, then the big soul-purging confession would be more painful to me than not knowing had been. I dunno. I'm not the greatest person to be talking about this kind of thing.
Tread carefully, my friend. I've been accused by a parent for splitting up their second marriage before, and it takes a LONG time to heal. As for phone-checking and the like, I personally don't think that one should check their SO's phone/Facebook/whatever for any reason unless they suspect their SO is trying to kill them. Then it's fair game.
That really sucks, and you're in an impossible position. I'm not as certain as CharlesJohnson on the issue, as I think an argument could be made that people have the right to their own private lives. That said, 'greater good' arguments (re: children, mortgages etc) always leave me a little bit cold, as I think that they presume a knowledge of possible outcomes which often isn't reflected in reality. Ultimately, though, if your Dad isn't aware of it, finds out later, and learns that you knew but didn't tell him, what will that do to his trust in you? In your position, I would probably try to bring a conversation around to the topic of open marriages / cheating. If he takes the opportunity to mention that he has no problem with the concept and that people should establish a situation that works for them, then you can either let it slide secure in the knowledge that he is aware of his wife's extracurricular activities, or you can point blank ask him if he's in one. Alternatively, if he is anti open marriage, then I think you should tell him what you found. Ultimately, it should be his decision. He can choose to go on with his life and ignore it if he doesn't want to make mortgage payments by himself, or he can kick her to the curb. A word of caution though: you need to consider that if this comes down to your word against hers, who will he believe? Do you have a history of attempting to discredit the stepmother, did she cheat on her last husband, is your Dad madly in love or will he listen to reason? Assuming your Dad is halfway rational, though, I think you owe it to him to let him make the best decision he can.
Hoooo boy, this is some kind of situation you are in. I do not envy you. FOCUS: My marriage has been the longest stretch of monogamy/fidelity in the realm of dating. Starting with my high school girlfriend, I was never completely faithful. In some cases, it was more emotional and heavy flirting than anything else. In others, I was as dirty as they come. I'm not proud, and slightly ashamed, of my behavior, but see it simply as the way I'm hardwired. If you've ever read about the Coolidge effect*, then you'll see it's how many animal species are hardwired. It's been especially tough for me to deal with marriage this past year, as my mother and father are in the midst of a rather acrimonious divorce. As far as I know, there was no infidelity (and they've both given me a rather exhaustive blow-by-blow of what ended their marriage), but rather, their relationship was never solid to begin with, and each grew weary of the other. I know this has been somewhat off-focus, and I apologize, but I felt it was needed to explain why I feel the way I do. In my marriage, my wife knows (and says) I'm a flirt without meaning to be. I was taught to be courteous, to look someone in the eye when you speak to them and when you are listening to them, and as it is Southern nature, to complement that person in some fashion. According to my wife, my natural instincts will make most women feel as though I am flirting, and since she says (bless her) that I'm attractive, that women will respond and flirt back. I assume that the wedding ring (and the fact I've gained a good bit of weight) makes me invisible in any kind of sexual way to women, but the wife disagrees. Who knows? Maybe my wife just wants to hold it over my head. Still, I consider my behavior to be a moral failing, and over the last year, have really gone out of the way to be as monogamous as possible. It is one of the toughest things I've ever done, and if I should slip up, I plan on keeping it to myself. Don't judge me, as I will not judge you. As for what to do, I would find some kind of way to lock down the evidence and talk to your father. Unless your relationship with your father is nonexistent due to past faults, and your stepmother has gone above and beyond the call of stepparent duty into the realm of natural parent duty, your first loyalty should be to your father. No judgement on your stepmother, but it is your father. It does take two to tango, so be prepared to hear some heavy shit from both sides about "emotional distance", "unavailability", and the classic "I know you cheated on me when you got drunk that one time, so here's payback".
At 28 years old, I've had two serious relationships, maybe three 'dating' relationships, and a reasonable amount of hook-up/booty call relationships. I know for certain the two relationship girls never cheated on me, 99% sure about the dating ones, and it's irrelevant with the hook up ones (I slept with others and I know they did too). I never came close to cheating in relationships or dating and always found it surprisingly easy to kind of lock myself into monogamy. I don't mean 'lock' as in it was a struggle, either, it was just kind of automatic to take myself out of the head space of constantly checking out other girls or making (my version of) attempts at flirting. I mean, I was in love with the relationship girls, so they were pretty much on my mind most of the time anyways. Conversely, I've been the other guy three times. I hardly count the one time, since it was just making out in a bar and their relationship was ending anyways (I actually didn't know she had a boyfriend), but I'm friends with her to this day and she still counts it, so I guess that's what matters. The other two were full on humping. I've had many conversations about whether I should feel guilty or not, and I still feel like I shouldn't, since I was single. Regarding email privacy and the like, it seems reasonable to keep your own passwords secret and whatnot, but if I left my email open and my hypothetical girlfriend snooped, I doubt I would care, since I cant imagine there'd be anything I wouldn't want her to see. Who knows, though. One thing I have thought about, in my more bored moments, is a conversation I would have with my hypothetical wife about monogamy. Like I said, locking in has always been easy for me, and the thought of my significant other being with someone else doesn't make me feel that super, but I've heard and read too many stories about couples losing "it" after a while, and I wouldn't want to end up like that. So basically, I would want to take an "everything can be put on the table" approach, regarding our sex life (and our relationship in general). Meaning I would want to be able to bring up absolutely anything I feel like down the road, including sleeping with other people, and have her do the same. Not that we would neccessarily agree or go forward with it, but it seems like couples who can't or won't be that honest end up depressed and resentful towards each other. And fuck that. As for dan ruckus' dilemma, if you actually respect or even love your step-mom, I'd confront her about it, and say that you really don't want to tell your dad about it/fuck up the family, but you think she should (if that's what you think).