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Dependa what?

Discussion in 'Advice Board' started by GTE, Nov 12, 2019.

  1. GTE

    GTE
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    Not sure if this belongs in this thread but not sure where else it would go.

    This is about two close friends of mine. I've known him for 25+ years and her almost 20 years.

    The back story is that he's always been the guy who had attractive GF's and has never preferred curvier women. While he was in the military, he met his now wife who was about 130 lbs (played sports all through HS) and while he was gone for ~6 months at a time, she was lonely and used food as comfort. Each time he came home, she was a little bit larger going from a wedding weight of around 135 lbs to about 200 lbs and that's when it sounds like they stopped having sex. She stayed around that weight for a number of years, slowly gaining until eclipsing 300lbs (306 according to her) and that's when she had gastric bypass done and has lost over 100 lbs so far. You can just look at her face and see how much more confident she feels. Does her hair, cuter clothes etc.
    That's why I was blown away to hear that they haven't had sex in ~12 years. On top of that, they haven't even seen each other naked in that time. I know that sex doesn't make a relationship, but I can't imagine not having sex from my late 20's through the rest of my life. Like many middle aged couples, my wife and I may go a month without sex and then fuck like rabbits for a week and I truly feel that being intimate brings a closeness that we don't feel otherwise.

    I guess that brings me to the point of this post; Do you honor your vow of "for better or worse, sickness or in health", stay by her side and just live a sexless life? Or, be a piece of shit for leaving your wife and looking for someone that you're attracted to?
     
  2. Revengeofthenerds

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    So he found himself a dependapotamus.

    Given what you said about how he always had attractive girlfriends, were you truly surprised they hadn't had sex in over a decade? Or did it just catch you off guard that she had gotten to that point?

    I'd be curious to hear if your friend said anything to his wife while she was gaining weight, if she or they sought therapy, if she ever truly made an effort to address the weight gain (and the underlying causes) until she had the surgery. Because that surgery works, if you address the issues that caused the weight gain in the first place. It's a lifestyle change, and it can majorly fuck up a life if you don't change what got you there in the first place.

    I can't say your friend should do because there are too many variables we don't know. I do know that, for me, physical attraction in a marriage plays an important role. I'm probably the same as you, with younger kids we're exhausted after putting to bed sex isn't as regular as it was when we were in our early 20s and childless, but the attraction is still there. The intimacy is still there. And when the kiddos are exhausted it's nice to lock the doors and fuck each other's brains out. I just... I don't understand how you could handle a partner being like that.

    I was disgusted with my own self when I was at my heaviest, 6 foot and 195 with a beer gut so large it threw off my posture and altered the tides at the coast. I can't imagine coming home to a wife who I love dearly as a person and friend and seeing her overweight and lethargic and unhealthy. It'd make me sad, and truth be told I'd probably cheat. Rampantly and without much discretion. Hoping to get caught so she could blame the divorce on me because that'd be easier to accept than the reality that in order to bend shamu over the bed and dick tickle her spine I'd need a chain block and several large bar clamps.
     
  3. GTE

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    I know when she first starting gaining weight, he tried to get her active. Hikes, gym, swimming etc and it would work until he'd have to leave again. Now she works out like a beast. Gym before and after work, few 10ks, half marathon and training for her first marathon.


    I think I'm in the same boat as you. I don't know if I could go half my life without intimacy with my partner. I would like to say I'd never cheat but if the right girl came along, I'd have a hard time saying No. In regards to my friends, I actually think she would be the one to cheat. She hasn't had affection in years and now that she's looking better, I could see some guy giving her attention and her just eating it up.
     
  4. dixiebandit69

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    Hey GTE, are you SURE he never cheated on her during that time?

    I've known LOTS of guys over the years who routinely cheated on their wives, for all manner of reasons.
    Sometimes the wives knew about it, and just didn't give a shit as long as he kept bringing home the bacon.
     
  5. GTE

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    We've been really good friends since I was 15 and I've never known him to have cheated on any of his GF's or wife. I'm not saying he never has but I would be shocked if so.


    I was more so curious what other people would do in their situation.
     
  6. bewildered

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    I get anxious and obsessively think about things that bother me. I end up losing sleep if I have a big decision that I can't make and be at peace with or with an unresolved problem. This includes relationship stuff. Luckily hubs is good about talking openly to me about things and we actively try to make each other happy so this isn't a problem. If there's something that makes me mad or upset it gets brought up fast so it can be resolved because it will affect my mood quite a bit. I am not a spiteful or passive aggressive person so for me, problems are to be dealt with asap. Same for him, he brings things up for resolution as well. So in my personal case, if there was a major problem or incompatibility in my relationship that could not or would not be resolved for reasons, I would probably insist on some couples therapy to help guide us to conversation and resolution. Having a big problem hanging over my head like that would drive me absolutely nuts. If the problem could not be resolved through cooperation or a reasonable compromise then depending on the severity of the issue, it might be time to part ways.

    Sounds like you're either missing some major details or they have some major avoidant personality traits paired with a whole lot of punching down feelings. It's quite likely there are some extra factors that made the arrangement livable for so long. I wouldn't expect your friend to be that open with you about those details, either. Those are the most private corners of their marriage and nobodies business but their own.
     
  7. Crown Royal

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    Adult relationships include sex, period. Wanting it is like eating food when you’re hungry, and if you’re going to be denied it than as an adult you get to leave that person or cheat on them. These people who say they don’t need to look or be with anybody else for the rest of their life are liars, and we ALL know this.

    People often seem to forget that their own self should be paramount. It’s your LIFE. You get one, and nobody else should get to handcuff your human nature.

    As I get older I realize how open relationships are far and away the best kind. So much less toxicity when you get to do what you want.
     
  8. shimmered

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    Milspouse here.
    Dude almost definitely found something wet and warm to take care of his desires.
    That said - she did what so many army wives do. It sucks.

    I can’t say I’d divorce. I can say I’d have a regular dick appointment if my husband didn’t make any effort.
     
  9. Revengeofthenerds

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    This.

    The chunk of time we're talking about here is 12 years. YEARS. He's talking about his wife starting out being fit and attractive, falling off a cliff over the next decade (these changes don't happen overnight), and now she's come back around and is getting back into shape. I'm sure a novel could be written about what's gone on in those 12 years, sounds like he just gave his friend the short version.

    The question posed was what we'd do. As far as what actually happened, it could literally have been anything. The details about weight gain and loss and military service and lack of sex are just random data points on a graph. They related somehow, maybe, impossible to tell to in what way or to what extent though.

    Hopefully for their sake they are able to get it together and salvage the marriage if it is in danger. Everyone has their hard lines, and one of them for both me and my wife is that we have to be physically attracted to each other. For my wife's parents, it isn't a hard line (they remain married but no longer find each other physically attractive; her mother has gained obscene amounts of weight and her father just doesn't give a shit about himself).... what @shimmered said is true though, sadly. A lot of army wives do what was described in general terms in the top post. And it gives the good ones -- the majority, I think -- a bad name.

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Binary

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    As in, cheating?

    That's where it all falls down for me. A relationship is a big negotiation. The two parties negotiate a living arrangement that keeps everyone happy enough that they stay together.

    If, at some point, one of the parties says that sex is no longer part of what they offer in the relationship, the terms of changed. Maybe that can be renegotiated as an open relationship, maybe sex can be negotiated back in, maybe there's some other alternative, but if not... then it's time to terminate the agreement. Sneaking around just ends up causing problems for everyone.
     
  11. shimmered

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    I didn’t say cheating.


    But if it came to my expressing the need/want for a regular sex life and my husband ignoring it, then the negotiations change to opening or ending the relationship. Cheating implies sneaking, and I never said anything about that.
     
  12. dixiebandit69

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    Shimmered, don't you think that you'd end up favoring the sex partner over your husband?

    Speaking as a guy who used to bang married women, those hormones can be a powerful thing...
     
  13. shimmered

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    I don’t think so. Maybe if I were younger and remotely interested in restarting my life again. But I’m really too lazy for that.