I've got to second the long fingernails on guys comment. I mean come on, it takes 2 minutes at most to clip all 10 nails, you can even do it while you're on the shitter. I'm pretty OCD about keeping mine short though. I was going to mention snakes, but then to me they are not so much creepy as they are "turn Fern into a small, terrified child". I shivered three times while writing that last sentence.
Old People. I just don't like them, my wife will make reference too a "sweet old man." I don't see it. When I was in high school one of the things I had to do for community service was work at an old folks home. Did I have to clean the rooms of cafeteria? No I had to help them exercise and play with them in the pool. Horribly creepy. I wrote this e-mail to my one buddy about three months ago, it's long but it explains my hatred. Everyone always accuses me about being racist, I don't know if that's true, but there is a particular group of people that I absolutely HATE and that's old people. I never understood when people say "I hate kids" You can YELL at kids, you might not get a good response but anyone can yell at a kid. Old people however you have to be respectful to, or understanding, "Mike don't get mad at him for driving 35 mph on the turnpike....he's old" Today I was at the grocery store. I work from home, so I often go to the grocery store during the day which I have found is a haven for old people. Fortunately owners of Grocery stores knew they had an old people problem so they developed the self check out machines, this technology was way advanced for even the most savvy old person.....so we thought. Sure enough I try and buy my red bull and lunch meat and who is in front of me?? That's right some old bat!!! She kept moving to slow and wasn't able to get the products in front of the scanners efficiently so the computer would lock up and EVERY TIME she would say in this annoyingly snobbish old lady cackle "Hello There!" "Hello There" to the girl working at the front who was unfortunately in charge of the self check out registers. HELLO THERE! I'm an old retard who can't keep up with society so I complain and cackle and make everyone do crap for me!! I could have gone to a register with a human to annoy and move slowly with but instead I gave the self check out a try like all these young whipper snappers!! Accompanying the old hag was the ever present male invalid who just sat and stared blankly......duhhh did they forget my med's?? I had a great daydream that I just walked up behind the lady and smashed her face on the screen, not out of control like, just twice two big smashes and watched her collapse on the ground. Then while everyone was astonished and dumbfounded I would walk about twenty paces away and line up the old man. With everyone still confused I would break into a dead sprint directly at the antique and grab him with both of my hands by the back of his 1987 members only jacket, I would then pivot and plant and throw this useless man as far as I could. I'm guessing between my anger and his feather weight of 77 lbs I should be able to throw him almost seven and a half feet. With any luck he will have a real awkward and violent landing causing him near death. I really, really f*cking hate old people. And yes they really, really creep me out.
I really am becoming more of an intolerant prick as I get older. I think I'm half past "get off my yard!" and I'm not quite 35 yet. - People who feel they have to touch you. No, you don't. If there's any possible way of sitting that means we're not sharing contact, take it. I will be. - People who constantly mumble or make noise under their breath. I became sensitive to this from years of having to experience it from my dad. I had the balls to ask him to stop it one day. Yeah, I didn't do that again, and largely because he didn't understand what I was on about. - People who push small talk. I'm not much of a small talker to begin with, but some people just can't seem to be in another person's presence without flapping their jaws. Bonus points if they start revealing personal stuff just to keep a conversation going. Silence is golden for a reason. I really don't need to know where your daughter goes to school and how well she's doing. Perhaps the man playing with himself on the corner over there would be more interested.
Small talk may not seem creepy, but I have some background behind it- When I was 12, my parents had dropped me off at the rec center and was on the treadmill alone in the gym. An older guy came in and started small talk with me. No big deal. No less than 20 minutes into our conversation, he described in detail how his ex-girlfriend had stuck a shotgun up her pussy and pulled the trigger with her toe after being raped. For a 12 year old, that fucked me up pretty well when it came to small talk. Also, men who wear short shorts. Like John Stockton, if you squat I can see your balls, shorts. That asshole at the gym was wearing a pair.
People have such an obsession with their children in the US it freaks me out. Especially with the "pedophiles are everywhere" trend, as it is them treating their children as though they are a sexual object. Mostly it seems to come from housewives who have nothing else besides their children because they gave up their job to raise their precious baby. And then their husband doesn't want to touch them any more because they used the pregnancy as an excuse to "eat for two" rather than one person and a peanut in their vag. So they become obsessed with their children, as they are the only thing that can fill the whole that they have in their life, and everything becomes about Braeden, and Kyliee, and Ashleighee. They then form a cult with other women in situations like them, and visit the park together, and start to sexualize their children. No, I don't mean molest them, but after watching Nancy Grace and Chris Hansen they start to think that their children are object of sexual desire to all men, and call the police on men at the park with their children, or look at their children. Or come into the same zip code as their children. Because that man will dickrape their kids. I know I am over exaggerating a bit, but the people out there who obsess over their children really creep me out.
Men who "accidentally" brush themselves up against you as they walk past you. There's plenty of room, sir. Men with over-groomed eyebrows. I appreciate the effort you're putting in to not have a unibrow, but know when to stop, please. Also in the same vein, boys who are prettier than I am creep me out. They're nice to look at for a while and then the reality of "I think he's prettier than me" sink in and then I just feel bad about myself for finding such a girly boy attractive.
-The old liver spot farm that walks around the locker room at the gym in his shriveled birthday suit for what seems to be centuries, always making sure to go "leg up" on the bench nearest to you when you bend over to tie your shoe. Vietnam would give you more pleasant flashbacks than that. - Forceful cougars. You know which ones I mean. Not the awesome MILFS that exist in your fantasy like Susan Sarandon in White Palace, but the ones with the hydrogen bomb-esque biological clock featuring a 30-years-running whiskey voice and the Claymore mine-applied make-up who will NOT PEEL HERSELF OFF OF YOUR ARM no matter how many times you tell her you are spoken for (aka disgusted by her) or karate-chop her in the throat. -Guys that actually brag about how many times they jerked off last week. I get it, you're a loser. Please leave me alone now. -"Serious" female softball players. No, I don't think it's sexy that you can beat me at arm wrestling or flip a car over on its roof single-handedly when you lose a game. Actually it scares the piss out of me. -Ghastly Strippers that won't take "Fuck Off" for an answer. If you're ugly, and everybody in the world thinks you're ugly, and nobody this side of alcohol poisoning would THINK of getting a VIP dance with you, what's going to sway my decision?
I was at a nice little lake the other day, throwing a stick for my dog. A man showed up carrying his snake. He wanted to give it some sun. I told him my dog might sniff it, and he thought I was weird because I said he should be careful about my dog trying to eat his snake. You brought a snake to a public lake! YOU WANT YOUR SNAKE TO SUN ITSELF ON THIS PUBLIC ROCK. Sir, you creep me out, and the fact that you find this normal makes me think you may be a serial killer. Allow me to pretend like my dog is a vicious beast so you go away promptly.
There are two ladies in the accounting department my office that creep out a lot of people. They're both middle-aged and take "tea time" together at 11am when the fatter one gets to work. Then, at around 12:30pm, they go to the BATHROOM together and go get their lunches and eat in the one's office, for about two hours. They say they "work" through lunch, but my desk is right across from their office and all I can hear is a cackling laughter that just enrages me. The worst in when I walked in the bathroom and they were both in there talking through the stalls like little school girls. Then the one lady left, leaving the fat one behind to poop. I was washing my hands and all I heard were a bunch of soft groans followed by a "plop". THAT creeped me out.
In relation to this: young moms who can't keep their kids off the Internet. I have several facebook friends who have posted literally HUNDREDS of pictures of their kids. Not only does it creep me out, but it concerns me for the children. It's the Internet, people. There are sickos out there.
I hate riding in elevators with other people. Nevermind the forced small talk which is awkward in itself, what I find creepy is the idea that if the elevator gets stuck the countdown to my newly forced friend's mental collapse would start almost immediately. First there's the mild shock of realizing the elevator is no longer moving. Then there's the calm look up at the floor display to realize it's not moving followed by the pushing of buttons. It starts with pushing the lobby. Then, when that seems fruitless other buttons are pushed. Eventually crazy would set in as they feel like the walls are closing in on them. That's when I'd have to kill them. I enjoy prolonged periods of solitude. To me an elevator getting stuck for an extended period of time would be a good time to meditate. To share that small space with another person however makes me shudder.
The Beard Thread. There are some real weirdos around here. Am I the only one who's creeped out by some of our follicle-ly enhanced board members?
Lost appendages, I understand fully that most people can't help that they lost an arm or another body part, but when the nub is fully visible it creeps me out. My grandma and grandpa are both missing fingers and it just looks so weird. I hate watching people eat. Sometimes it looks like they can't shovel the food in fast enough. I hate going to the mall and seeing fat parents feeding their kids very unhealthy foods. Thinking about them eating and being all sweaty and gross creeps me out.
Old guys in the locker room of the gym. There is nothing worse than being blitzkrieged by old man nakedness when you least expect it. One moment I'm discretely slipping into a pair of basketball shorts while facing the bleachers, and the next, I'm visually raped by saggy, hairy seemingly clueless and content elders. I understand that you geezers come from a different era where everyone gets naked in front of each other, but times have changed. Even if you insist on getting naked, please use some discretion. It's like these motherfuckers celebrate it. Multiple times I've walked in on group of guys having a full on conversation, naked, in the locker room. For 10 minutes. I will never be that comfortable around naked guys.
Ugh my father in law did this to me in the locker room during a ski trip. Completely non-chalant while explaining how the swiss shower controls worked when I was walking out of the sauna. I have no problem with nakedness in the locker room, but don't go into a lecture on advanced plumbing technology at the same time. As for me, I am completely creeped out by the train conductors on my local commuter rail service, in particular this one guy who I'm pretty sure gets blowjobs in the bathroom at the train station from one of the women who rides the train each morning. Ugh they are so creepy and ugly when they walk arm in arm off the train. Greasy slicked back old man hair, greasy face, creepy uniform with coin dispenser on his belt. Makes me want to wretch.
What's with all you guys being uncomfortable naked with other men around? Are you homophobic? Granted as long you aren't stroking your cock in front of people, why not be naked? I think it's just that they're comfortable with their bodies and don't see it as a big deal. (I'll pretty much get naked in front of anyone, no modesty here) What creeps me out is "special" people that like to touch. Especially when they want to hug you and don't let go. When I was in Esthetician school we had some girls from a group home come and get facials. Well my "client" hugged me afterward and they literally had to pry her off me. The (usually) black guy in the gas station that blatantly stares and/or makes comments like "damnnnnnn baby" or "mmm I likes dat ass". Last Saturday I went in a gas station to get beer and this guy just fucking stared at me for a good minute and a half. Granted I had on a bathing suit that left only the color of my nipples to the imagination but seriously... ever seen boobs before?