Contract of Wifely Expectations FEBRUARY 17--This country, as you know, is filled with the deranged. And then there's Travis Frey, a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap). Frey, prosecutors contend, apparently is a rather demanding guy. In fact, he actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document--a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"--that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey (pictured right) offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily. A copy of the proposed contract, which Frey's wife never signed and later provided to cops, can be found below. While we normally point out the highlights of most documents, there are so many in this demented, and very graphic, contract, we really can't do it justice. So set aside ten minutes--and prepare to be repulsed. Focus: I'd say we can do better than this guy but he is pretty demented. What would you put in your contract?
14 GBD points for unexpected anal?! This guy is seriously overvaluing the rectum. Focus: Hauling wood, butchering the cattle, and hand feeding the wombat are mistakenly missing from this contract. Also, I'm pretty sure that a good blow job should be rewarded with the opportunity to give another good blow job. After she fetches the beer, naturally.
If presented with this contract, why would she marry this guy? Is she surprised that she was kidnapped? I just hope no children are involved.
He's got a lot of clauses citing her menstrual cycle in there. She could countersue him for sexual harassment.
Maybe it's the graphic designer dork in me, but I was diggin' the 'fucking wood nymphs' decorative font there.
If there was any need for an example of the rule "Don't put anything in writing that you wouldn't want the whole world to see," this is it. From what I've read on the internet, these types of contracts get written up by perverts from time to time. They usually show up at rape trials/custody disputes. In case anyone was wondering, these contracts cannot be enforced. Although no "contract" was involved, the most public incident that some of you guys might remember was the U.S. Senate campaign for Jack Ryan, the ex-husband of Jerri Ryan (Seven of Nine). Jack wanted Jerri to go to sex clubs with him. Jerri signed an affidavit to that effect when they divorced. That affidavit sunk his political career and may have been directly responsible the election for the current occupant of the White House. Jack Ryan probably would have beat Obama, who at that time was simply an Illinois state senator and part-time law professor. Focus-- I would put nothing in my contract, because my wife is perfect and sweet ... and has a long memory and holds grudges. Plus, our contractual status has always been more of an "at will" arrangement than anything else.* *(lawyer humor-- see, it's not funny, and technically not accurate, although marriage is not strictly contractual, unless you're unmarried, in California and suing under Marvin v. Marvin).
I'm guessing you guys above aren't married. If you were, you'd see the genius in this contract. Just the whole 'Complain about anything with me, or about me.' clause is gold alone. Wish I had included that one in my prenup. Oh, shit, I don't actually have one. THAT'S WHERE I WENT WRONG!!!!
Something tells me this guy is a lawyer. Only they could be so fucked up in such formal legalese. I don't, however, think a contract is the worst idea in the world. Obviously, this one reeks of depravity and all sorts of mental health issues. If a contract pertained to basic household chores and whatnot, it could eliminate a lot of discord and petty arguments that can happen in a relationship or marriage. Say something like points for doing chores which can be redeemed for various benefits. I know I would be pretty motivated to take out the trash if it could be redeemed at some point down the line for some road head or something.
Lots of perverts have 'Slave Contracts' that read a lot like this. One of the more painful continuously repeated conversations on kink boards is about how binding these contracts are and if you are really bound by these kind of crazy rules, even if you do sign the contract. I found our wedding vows the other day. The celebrant let us write our own. He refused to read them out at the ceremony though. Wuss. We wrote these after reading the examples of love, cherish and obey shit - we had to come up with something a little less... traditional to avoid vomiting. We were actually sober at the time - nobody believes us about that part though. Apparently the celebrant still (like 6 years later) uses these as an example when people ask what they can have in their vows don't believe him when he says they can have anything they want.
This guy's not a lawyer, unless he works for a free legal service. That's some of the shittiest drafting I've ever seen. There's not even an attestation clause. I was actually discussing something along the same lines as this with some friends of mine the other day. Except instead of being a creepy, weird document that seems fixated on Auntie Flo's monthly visit, we were considering a more wholesome angle. Marriage isn't what it used to be, from what I can see. I'm not married, and never have been. But I've lived in de facto relationships for substantial periods of time. Also, I see marriage breakdowns all the time. The term "he's changed" or "she's changed" gets thrown around a lot. I believe don't really change for the most part, they just stop acting (the exception being some earth shattering event). I think there would be merit to having a negotiated written document that outlines exactly what each party's minimum input is going to be to the marriage. That way each of them is exactly aware of what the other is willing to contribute, and what the other expects of them to contribute. And, unlike this asshole, it should cover a whole range of aspects of the relationship: number of children, hygiene, meals, housing, income, intimacy (of course) and so on. At the very least, it could be a wakeup call to get people to think very clearly about who they're committing to for the rest of their life. And, of course, to stop parties moving the goal posts. In breach is where things get fun. Contracts for personal service aren't binding (at least here they're not). What I would think would be interesting is a clause to say that if a party doesn't live up to the minimums they've bound themselves to, the other party can source those needs outside the relationship if they want to. Of course, if the non-breaching party were to do so that could raise some serious issues for the longevity of the marriage. Alternatively, you could bargain breaches off against each other (you know, what happens everywhere anyway). Personally, I've always thought that marriage in essence is a contrived idea based on religious dogma and usually involves a man giving up to please a woman; so my views in here could be a little bit biased.
OK, I need a United States translation for that. Focus: Just make sure that the woman I'm am going to marry is not crazy. I don't know how to put it any simpler; maybe that she won't throw her birthday ice cream cake out on the lawn?
If ever there was a reason to look forward to such an annoying monthly occurrence... Have a happy period indeed!
A male friend and I have decided if we get to a certain age and neither of us are married, we would just marry each other. So far our imaginary vows include: Me: I vow to wear a skimpy dress when our sex life gets boring and we resort to pretending we don't know each other and he picks me up in a bar I vow that when we watch a movie I have seen 100 times, I will not quote every line I vow never to feed him a meal that I have never cooked before unless it's simple I vow to have two children, and then stop (we are both from big families) Him: He vows to never ask for a blowjob, but to wait until I have had my evening cocktail and let it happen He vows to mix me that evening cocktail He vows to occasionally revert to his original (Texan) accent He vows to let our children be wild monkeys who climb trees and get into trouble (as long as they don't have sex until they are at least 17) We are obviously two very lonely people with no lives.
OK, that dude is nuts. But my first thought upon reading that contract was "Oh, this is a Slave Agreement! Now it makes sense!" In fact, I'm almost positive that this is some Dom/Sub thing. Fun tidbit: During a half-hearted foray into being a potential submissive, I met a guy who wanted me to sign something similar to this. There was a really...odd...clause about punishment--namely, I would have to let him know what type of clothing I would be wearing to work/while socializing with friends so that any marks from my punishment wouldn't show. He even casually remarked that his ex was a stripper, so he knew how to hurt me without leaving a visible mark if that was important to me. I politely declined, but the contract was awesome. Wish I'd kept a copy. Focus: My contract would be strictly financial. What percentage of each of our incomes would go toward the home/household expenses, stipulations for purchases over $2,500, how much to contribute monthly to a joint "slush" fund, potentially starting a college education fund if kids were going to be in the picture, etc. Yeah, I know I'm boring. Actually, I think I would add a "Do not converse with me during the first 30 minutes I'm awake" clause. I fucking DESPISE morning chit-chat, and I can easily see a simple "Hey honey, did you read this article? What did you think? The city coucil is absolutely out of line here. Babble babble babble......" turning into domestic assault if not checked from the get-go. Something along the lines of "Pinkcup will not be held liable for any damages to property, person, or vehicle resulting from a deviation from this clause. <Spouse> shall receive (1) "Look Of Utter Contempt" as warning that the chattiness must cease immediately, followed by pointed ignoring. If <Spouse> continues to violate clause with further A.M. bullshit, Pinkcup is within her rights to react however she sees fit (which will, more than likely, be an extreme overreaction with far-reaching consequences). <Spouse> also forfeits all right to complaint, as <Spouse> signed the contract and knew the rules."
That guy obviously has a larger libido than I do. Well, I guess now he can put it to use in prison, since he seems to like anal sex so much. As for me, at this point, I'd be satisfied with a "quit your bitching" clause in my marriage contract.
And he gets more good behavior points because it would be unexpected. (Well, not in general context, but more on a case by case basis.)
The "Misbeahaviour & Noncompliant" section of that guy's contract is... Well, it's sure somethin': You mean like if you ask her to open a can of peas, and she starts to do it but then she gets a cramp in her wrist and wants to stop? Oh no... TICKLE MONSTER!!!