Confession Thread

Focus: funny, weird,sad, etc. What do you confess?

Last night was the first time I came inside of a woman without a condom that I can remember. She's a med student, of Indian descent and I am pretty sure a walking wet dream factory.

And so I had brownies for breakfast.

 

I would like to have sex with Elizabeth Warren there is something about her I find attractive.

 

Focus: I told my brother he can't borrow one of my rifles next weekend because it isn't working right. In reality I don't trust that he'll take care of it, so it isn't happening.

I also confess I blamed my farts on the dog last night too. Normally I can't get away with this but it actually worked, so I went with it.

 

Focus: I finally got the job I want (General Manager) and pretty much hate it. Love the "making shit more productive" part, hate the "people are idiots and bitches" part.


Alt Focus: I bet if we did an anonymous Confessions thread, we'd see some crazy shit.

 

When I was 10, I went out trick or treating with my friends in the neighborhood. When we got to Mrs. Huda's house, she had left out a bowl of candy with a note asking that we only take 1 piece. I took 2.

I later found out she died. I don't believe the two events were related.

 

I blame my farts on my toddler all the time. He farts really loud like a man so it's easy to get away with.

Confession: his smell 10 times worse than mine do; I'm kind of jealous.

 

Focus: I once, out of spite, took a shit in someone's bath tub at a party, in high school. I know, I know, should've gone for the upper-decker but whatever, accomplished the purpose, and admittedly I felt like shitting on the rug would be too hardcore. It was in revenge for a prank the owner of the house perpetuated at my house, which was to refuse to provide me with toilet paper when I ran out of it, in a party of 30+ people. So, karmic.

 

Pussy.

One time my wife refused sex because she was pissed at me, so while she was in the shower I pulled down my pants and farted/sharted on her dark pillowcase. I thought getting pink eye from farts was an urban legend, but apparently it is possible if your farts have enough meat to them.

 

When I was in rehab 5 years ago, if someone made me angry, I would piss in their mouthwash/shampoo/etc., or run their toothbrush up my ass crack.

 

Focus: Pissing into someone's contact saline solution is a sure fire way to be on the verge of evil laughter for a month and a half. "My eyes are really itchy." PPfffffffffft.

 

Admittedly, I wasn't the initial pisser, but I was let in on the joke. Boy, the victim was furious when I dropped the truth on him.

 

Focus: I used to think Jeff Dunham was funny.

I'm unsure if I have ever seen all of the Star Wars movies. I don't think I have.

I think The Princess Bride is overrated.

On my 19th birthday I asked a girl who had a well-known sexual past and the nickname of Rotisserie to make out with me. She declined.

I guess I'll stop there for the sake of my self-esteem.

 

I love the phrase, "I haven't been this hard since they found Jon Benet," but rarely get to use it.

I'm actually terrified of dogs. From when I was a kid. Me and my mom were coming back from the grocery store. Pulled into the driveway, just about to get out, neighbor's dog went absolutely apeshit barking and snarling, bashing on the window, and trapped us in the car for almost an hour.

Used to collect baseball cards. When I was 10, not long after my dad died, I was seriously f'd up for a while. I knew this shop owner guy. Bit of a nutter. He says he will give me a card no way I could afford at the time, if I do him a favor. He tells me to knock out the windows of his neighbor, this kook woman. I wasn't proud of myself. Found out later she blamed some other woman she had beef with and they got into it. Still got the card.

Same age as above, my friend heard about a dead body by the traintracks, out west a bit before everything was built up. We didn't alert the authorities right away, we had to see it for ourselves. Some other kid we didn't like phoned it in.

 

And here I thought you were going to tell us about the first time you got molested....

Anyway, about 10 years ago, it seemed like I couldn't get laid to save my life - except with women who were cheating on their spouses. For about 3 years, all of the sex I had was with cheating women. It's like I was giving off some kind of weird vibe to women in bad/not-so-bad relationships. (Cheating women are very low maintenance, for the record.)

Anyway, one time there was this girl that I'd know since the third grade who tracked me down through friends, and she straight-up told me that she wanted to fuck, that her husband wasn't paying any attention to her, etc.

So we met up, had some drinks, and she just wanted to get busy. But I didn't really like her attitude; she was coming off kind of bitchy with me.
She said that she didn't want to use condoms, but she kept insisting that she didn't want me to cum in her. Not because she would get pregnant; she was on the pill.
She just didn't want me to cum in her. We started having mediocre sex, and halfway through I decided that I didn't ever want to see this woman again.
So I shot my load inside of her and said that I "forgot to pull out."

She was understandably furious. But fuck her.

In retrospect, that was a potentially catastrophic decision on my part: What if she WASN'T actually on the pill and she got pregnant? (she didn't)
What if she was HIV positive? (Another confession: I hate using condoms, and hardly ever use them. I'm still clean, though!)

 

So where are all of the TiBette confessions? Right now, we've just got a bunch of dudes posting.

Come on, girls. I know damn-well that y'all have done some scandalous stuff.