Last night my loving husband tried to finger bang when I crawled into bed.... after eating a pound of suicide wings for dinner. Do you know what that feels like? It feels like your vagina has been condemned to a fiery fucking Hell! I grabbed his wrist (while my vagina was busy collapsing inward) and I was all, "Did you have hot wings for dinner?!" And then he laughed, and felt kind bad, and said, "Yes, but my penis didn't have hot wings for dinner." But it was too late. Damage done. There was no way my scorching girl parts were having any part of any frisky business for the remainder of the evening, unless it involved a massive ice-cube dildo. This morning I woke up and kept telling him about my "chicken wing vagina," and I'm pretty sure he wanted to punch me. Anyway - I know you fuckers have done and had much, much worse. FOCUS: Share your sex bloopers (so that I don't feel so bad about my vagina being a burn victim).
About 4 years ago I got knocked unconscious during a drunken attempt at doggy-style. It was a girl I was briefly seeing from the restaurant I was working in at the time. Suffering from whiskey dick and starting to get somewhat tired, I leaned forward to gain more leverage and brought my left leg forward to more of a lunging position for balance. While I was leaning forward and using her as more of a stabilization device, she snapped her head back into my face(no, I wasn't raping her) and I was out for the count. I just remember a bright flash and then I was laying on my side, penis soft, and I awoke to her a few seconds later asking if I was ok. She couldn't quite tell what had happened. But my cheek and eye socket were fucking killing me. She actually had the nerve to bitch about me being out of commission for the evening.
While not a sex blooper, I think this is somewhat appropriate story. Once I did experience something as painful as hooker. One evening I was preparing habaneros for dinner and had to go take a piss. I didn't wash my hands before I went to the bathroom so all those beautiful habanero juices were on my hands. So I'm in the bathroom and I whip it out and immediately I know I did something wrong. I ended up getting habanero oil all over my cock. Simply put it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It felt like this intense searing pain that just would not go away. I was suffering for a solid 45 mins before it finally started to subside. And when I say I was suffering I don't mean I was moderately uncomfortable and able to continue doing normal things. I was literally hunched over in pain the entire time. Of course my family caught on and laughed at me the entire time. The only way I got relief was by taking a cold bath.
Paging Durbanite... Durbanite to the white courtesy phone... Focus Towards the beginning of my relationship with HerFuzzziness, there were two incidents spaced a few weeks apart, where she ended up getting a black eye. The first was an accidental, drunken, head on head collision. Shortly after that one faded, we were going at it on the floor in my living room. We had started in the recliner and sort of slid off of it without putting it back in the upright position. She was riding me, and I decided to roll her over and get on top. I rolled her over fairly quickly, face first into the foot of the recliner. I felt awful, but it was kind of funny watching her stammer when people asked how she got her second black eye in a few weeks (didn't help that it was a new relationship, and she had never had a black eye before). I'm pretty sure at least a few people at the hospital she was volunteering at thought I was beating her when she responded with "It's a long story, but I, um, ran into the foot of a recliner". As for my own sexual mishaps, trying spermicidal lube made it feel like I was pissing out Satan himself. Also, having HerFuzzziness shitfaced and thinking the condom was too tight resulted in her pulling on it and then letting go, snapping it at my peehole.
Assholes! I like how you all think he got sloppy with eating his hot wings and then used the sauce as lubricant for my vagina. He did wash his hands (with soap!) after he got done with dinner. I've had it happen before, with Scotch Bonnets and porn. I mean, the two weren't involved with my vagina at the same time, but suffice to say that no matter how much soap is involved - hot pepper residue will burn your girl parts even four hours after you're done cutting said peppers!
I posted about this on the R & R section of the RMMB after it happened but it's worth a re-post. I had been having some shoulder pains, so the fiancee, being the wonderful woman she is, pulled down some icy hot massage oil and starting massaging it for me trying to work out the kinks. Well my neck and back are extremely sensitive, and is a direct way to turn me on, so what started out as an awesome back rub turned into something more quickly. Or at least that was the plan, had she washed her hands. Since she didn't what started out as a world class blowjob turned into her vomiting and me dunking my balls in the sink. The lotion from her hands transferred to my cock and balls, and transferred from there to inside her mouth and down her throat. There is no feeling in the world like having your balls go from lava hot to igloo cold and vice versa and it's an experience I hope never to repeat again.
I unfortunately don't have a lot of sex blooper stories. I was doggy styling my college fuck buddy in... Well... College. My nose started to fucking gush. We had to take a 5-minute break while the bleeding stopped. We joked that she was tight enough that the blood rushed back to my head. And just last week, I pulled out and gave my darling wife an inadvertent facial. I really wasn't trying to. Must have misjudged the angle. She was in tears laughing about it.
I got overaggressive going down on a woman and have damaged the ligaments in my neck. Don't get too into it with a pulled muscle apparently.
A few years ago I was giving my boyfriend, who had a massive, gag worthy member, a blowjob. He reached the peak and, as you boys are wont to do, buried his fingers in my hair, pulled my head all the way down, thrust up as hard as he could into my throat... and came just as i threw up. To make it even worse, I started coughing, spraying a grotesque mixture of vomit and man seed all over his lap. Nastiest smell ever.
I've dealt with pretty much every bodily function you can deal with sans vomit: saliva, piss, shit, menstrual blood, regular vaginal blood, nose blood (that one was mine), premature ejaculation (mine), premature ejaculation (hers), etc. I wrote about the weirdest (?) one here. Reposted and respoilered for length. Spoiler Sex. Oh, sex. You messy whirlwind of fluids and odd noises. You dirty little tempest of oohs and aahs and ouch my hairs. You saucy maelstrom of pretty coos and dripping holes. I've had it, before. Oh yes. Upwards of six times, so I think I know of what I speak when I say that this time was particularly dirty. It started, as most such encounters do, with romance. I stopped on my way to her place and picked up some dinner and two 40's of the finest malt liquor I could find for under $5. I was off to a good start; buying cheap alcohol always makes my balls throb heavy with sperms. Over dinner and drinks, we danced the dance of seduction. Well, I drank. She wasn't much of a malt liquor fan, which was great for me, because it substantially increased the amount that I had to drink. Which was important, because she wasn't much to look at, or talk to, or be around. Or think about. After administering some of my best moves (slowly caressing her legs, taking off my pants, and whipping my penis back and forth so it made that fapfapfap sound across my thighs), she was putty in my hands. I don't mean that she was literally a clay woman of course. I just meant that I could mold and manipulate her like pottery. I'm not much good at pottery. And yet, I managed to get her naked and having sex. With me, no less. It was going well, in my mind. I was consistently driving in and out, in and out, and almost always in that order. Missionary style. Not just because she was on her back, but also because she was babbling about God to a black guy who was desperately trying to ignore her. I should do more charity work. Where was I? Oh, right. I'm at testes-depth in this lovely young lady, when I feel that familiar tickle. The one that tells me the dam is going to burst, and there's not much I can do but hang on for the ride. I grunt, squeal, giggle, then stand up. Proud of myself. A job well done. She also half stands, and we both happen to glance over to the bed. In the middle, right under where we rutted, lay a fresh piece of human excrement. You must imagine my surprise here: It is not every day that somebody evacuates their bowels whilst I sex them. In fact, it had been zero days in my life up to this point. While I am always one for new experiences, they usually involve some sort of food with "fusion" in the name, not somebody shitting themselves during sex. Embarrassed, she grabbed some toilet paper from the bathroom and cleaned it up. I think she would have been less embarrassed if she had shared some of the malt liquor with me, but what do I know? Ultimately, I didn't really feel comfortable cuddling in her bed after that, so I decided to go home. On my way home I bought some fried chicken. It was pretty good. The end.
A few years ago, I had gone out with a guy 3 or 4 times but we had yet to have sex. So one night, after our 5th date - things started getting hot and we were finally going to officially get naked together... we have the big reveal of seeing each other naked and when I saw him hard and standing at attention, I was quite surprised at how very large he was. So as things segued, he was on top of me for awhile and then we decided to change positions - now as he was on top of me, there were a couple of times that I felt discomfort, but never where I was hurting or in pain. So as he gets up to change positions, he looked down and said "My God, it looks like a crime scene in here"... Yes, upon looking down, there was blood all over the place. Me, his cock, the bed were all covered in blood - and not a little bit of blood - a shit ton of blood. I asked him "Surely, this has happened to you before?" He said that is hadn't and I was quite mortified. We ended up taking the rest of our session into the shower and things were very hot and sexy in there as we also cleaned up the evidence of the crime that had taken place earlier, and in the additional 6 months that I dated him after that night, we made sure to "adjust" accordingly so that we wouldn't have another "crime scene" situation again. It's actually quite funny because to this day, none of my friends who I've relayed the story to know his actual name (aside from the friends who knew him when we dated) - he's known famously as "The Crime Scene".
Mine is a bit like Hooker's 4 years ago, my wife (then girlfriend) and I had just gotten back from a cruise in Galveston, TX. We got back on Feb 14, so I asked what she wanted to do for Valentines day. She told me one of her friends lived in Houston, and we were supposed to go out with her. For Valentines day, we end up eating Crawdads at Sams Boat in The Woodlands. And we probably had 5-6 orders of the things between the 3 of us. These things were pretty freaking hot. Her friend drives home, we go back to the hotel. She is pretty drunk, but she has the presence of mind to make me wash my hands repeatedly before we do anything. Well, this still didn't work. After a little playing around, she starts screaming "It Burns!, It Burns!", so much so, hotel security came to our room to see if I was murdering my lady. The guys understood, and it was no problem, but I was told to "keep it down" Moral of the story, either eat crawdads with gloves, or refrain from stinky pinky for a while (a day or two) after consuming.
I could've sworn I've posted this on here before, but couldn't find it on the search. Maybe it was on the old board. Anyway, a couple months into my freshman year of college my girlfriend comes up to visit for a weekend. She was still a junior in high school so her mom came up with her and made her spend the night at the hotel but we were left alone the rest of the day. Anyway she arrives on Friday afternoon, obviously as soon as her mom leaves we spend the rest of the day going at it. The next day she comes over and we have sex again, go to my friend's room to watch BC beat then-undefeated Notre Dame 14-7, then go out partying, come back, have drunk sex. The next morning she comes over (she wasn't flying out until Monday night) and we start to fool around but all of a sudden there's this horrible pain on my penis. I look down and my dick is bright red, bone-dry, and looks like it is covered in some sort of reptile scales. After a few minutes of confusion, I see the condom box and it hits me--when we fucked the previous night I had started to put the condom on backwards (ie with the part that rolls down facing up, and the outside of the tip touching my dick). This wouldn't be a problem, except I had unwittingly purchased the condoms that come with the spermicidal lubricant. Apparently my penis has an allergic reaction to nonoxynol-9. Once I figured out that she hadn't given me some horrible STD* I was greatly relieved, but was still unable to have sex for the remainder of the 2 days she was there. * - And yes, I am sure that my "condition" was caused by the spermicide. It's happened to me a few times since--once about 6-7 years after this incident when the girl put it on herself and I forgot what it would do, once when the girl put it on herself without telling me, and once when I bought the same exact damn kind of condoms and did the same fucking thing. You'd think I would be smart enough to make sure I'm not buying that kind when I'm at the store, but apparently I'm not (I like to use the "extra thin" Trojans that come in the light blue box, and the ones with and without the spermicide have virtually identical packaging). Luckily though I do now usually notice after leaving the store and I'll either throw them in the bottom of my stash for emergency use only, or be very careful when I go to put them on.
I've told this story before, so I'm just going to cut to the punchline... hand print-shaped bruises on my boobs and going to my college graduation with an icepack tucked into my underwear because my asshole was in pain.
Oh good god. I was having sex with this girl on my bed. We were a bit close to the edge. She was on top of me and doing her thing. Since the bed is moving back and forth, we are edging closer to the edge. She ends up falling, I try to catch her. Her head hits the nightstand and her foot hits the bottom rail of my bed with a loud *Dink*. I laugh. She calls me an asshole. I finish in her mouth. Whatever. Same girl, a week later. We were laying next to each other and started kissing. We're about to get down. I move my arm over to take off her shirt and bra. It's all off now. Her pants and underwear come off. Disco. I pull off my pants. I swing my arm over to caress her and she decides it's a good idea to headbutt my elbow. "OW. YOU FUCKING JERK." Look bitch. I'm trying to get in the pussy. Stop cock-blocking me with your face. Yeah. We didn't date much longer after that.
I was being banged on a desk, and somewhere along the line I wasn't so much on the desk but being held up and leaning on the desk for support. My lower back was hitting right against the corner of the edge. I didn't realize it was hurting at the time, but when I woke up the next day I was in so much pain. The kicker was that my dad was visiting me that day and he kept asking "Why are you limping?"
How about getting drunk and taking a girl to my room AND fucking her to the mortal kombat song on my ipod. So drunk didnt even realize it. My roommates still bring it up til this day haha.
About a month ago one drunken night in the dark, while going down on a friend, I reached for the lube for some anal play. Unfortunately, my ointment for cracked heels and the lube bottle share the same shape. I finished like a trooper, but fuck if I ever want to lick foot cream for a half hour again.
I raise you to this: My sophomore year, my best friend and roommate drags some skank back from the bars around 3am. I was hanging out in the living room with 4 or 5 of his friends who were in town that weekend as he takes the girl into his bedroom to cap the night. We casually hear some slapping here, some moaning and groaning there. 15-20 minutes later I hear him yell at the top of his lungs, "MORTAAAAL KOMBAT!" In unison his friends yell back, "FINISH HER!" Cue 30 seconds later: poor girl threw her sun dress back on and ran out the door- red faced and nearly crying screaming about his lack of respect for women. To this day, I have never laughed so hard as I did that night.