I found my current GF in college so I never really had to deal with the whole dating scene, but I'm of the mindset that whoever asks for the first date pay, then if things work out the other person pay for the second date and you can continue alternating or start splitting tabs thereafter. In relationships I have always worked on a 'need' basis, whoever has more shells out a higher percentage of money going towards dates and expenses, the other makes up for it in domestic duties. In theory I like Proctor's (from a while back) idea of living off the lower earner's money so you have actual equality, but in practice I don't work an office job to live off a school teacher's salary.
In my experience, paying for things usually comes down to a nearly even split. I like that someone earlier in the thread mentioned a 60/40 split, and I think that that's largely accurate for myself as well. I won't always insist on paying, but there were times with my previous girlfriend that she would argue that she wanted to pay, and eventually I would let her. The 60/40 would certainly move back and forth at times too, depending upon who had more money. Maybe that makes it closer to 50/50. Overall, I think that's the fairest way to do it; I know a buddy of mine though that really got taken for his cash. The woman he was dating would constantly make him take her out to the most expensive restaurants, buy her expensive clothes/purses/make-up/other shit, and then would argue with him constantly every day about how bad of a boyfriend he was. This guy easily dropped more than $3000 dollars on her (keep in mind that he was a freshman in college and she a senior in high school). He estimates it was closer to $7,000-$10,000, and while he has a penchant for exaggeration, I'm inclined to believe him. He was dropping a grand just on some necklace for Christmas. He justified all these expenses by saying that he genuinely enjoyed paying for her and that she was used to such treatment, and that's what it took to keep them together. Despite presenting him the obvious facts that she was a raging, entitled bitch and that the relationship was going nowhere, it took him until the summer after freshman year to finally get rid of her. He's been happily single ever since.
Those bitches would hate me. My wife makes the money, while I'm a full time student/part time employee. Her average two week paycheck is, no joke, about 4 times what my largest paycheck in my life was ever worth. That being said, for the first ten years of our relationship, I made more money than her. Because of that, I paid for more than her. When we first started dating, we were in high school, but I had a job and a car, while she had neither, so of course I paid. Once she got a job, she insisted on paying for certain things (like if we went to the movies, she'd insist on getting the tickets, while I paid for dinner and/or snacks at the theater). By the time we got to college and we were both working, it was probably an 80/20 split in who paid for what, up until we moved back to our home town and she started working and making all the money. What I had always heard was that the person who initiated the date was the one that paid. If the guy asked the girl out, the guy paid. Because that was pretty much the norm, it was the norm that the guy paid. However, on the rare occasions that the girl asked the guy out, it was expected that she at least split the bill, if not cover the whole thing. That always made sense to me. The other thing is the financial situation of both individuals should be taken into account. If the guy is working a great job while the woman is struggling, he should be paying for more dates. If the woman knows the guy is struggling to get by, she should pay. Basically, women, don't be greedy bitches. I find it ironic that there are some women that complain about social standards still keeping men above women in some respects, such as men getting paid more than women. At the same time, there is another group of women (sometimes even the same women) exploiting those same social standards to their own financial gain, by hitting guys up for free meals, clothes, and to pay their bills.
I have always been one to pay my own way and I have enabled many men by paying their way. In my current relationship, I have often paid to go do stuff, because otherwise we would sit at home. Now that he is working, he is suddenly far more interested in taking me out. It's nice and I let him. I would never expect anyone to pay my way, though. That is a shitty attitude.
Who exactly is doing this? I rarely run into people where this is the case. I'm not being facetious, this is a legitimate question.
There's a friend of a friend who's that type of chick. My friend came out to Vancouver to visit for a bit, and I gladly took her out for a nice dinner at a local wine bar. We were having a great meal, and some awesome wine, and I had no problem picking up the tab for it. Then her friend called and said "hi", and 20 mins later showed up and joined us. And helped herself to wine. And ordered food and had it put on my bill. Awesome. But meh, not that big a deal, so I didn't make a stink about it. All three of us had another common friend in Toronto, who've I've been on-again, off-again, semi-long-distance with for a couple of years. It was her birthday coming up, which coincided with my parent's wedding anniversary, so I mentioned I was tempted to fly out and see everyone for a week. At this point, she perks up, and says, "oh yeah, we should go". Right away, I could tell that she was angling for me to fly her out there. I'm not an idiot, and this ain't my first rodeo. It was shameless how she kept dropping anything-but-subtle comments about how broke she was, how her new job wasn't paying well, how her current boyfriend (of 4 years) wasn't working out, yada yada. I played along, kept teasing her, etc., and meanwhile she had no idea that I knew her boyfriend, as he works for a shop that sponsors my race team. I was amazed at how she thought she could just squish her tits together and tease and expected shit to be done for her. It got to the point that I came right out and told her that if she wants to fly out to TO, and have me pick up the tab, we'll be sharing a room, and having a 4-day threesome, with some serious ATM action on her part. The look on her face was hilarious. Her indignant "I'm not a whore" response made me laugh. "You're right... a whore has more self-respect". I told our mutual friend in TO, and she lost her shit, and was so incredibly embarrassed for her, and pissed right the fuck off as well. Needless to say, I've never heard from her again. Until last week.... when she asked if we're ever going back out for dinner again sometime. Un. Fucking. Real.
This. All I heard (aside from her godawful voice) was a girl trying WAY too hard to be supercoolhardcoretuffgirrrl. My Guy and I split most everything. I pay more of the rent than he does, but then again, it's because of me that we have a 3 br apartment. He pays his car, I pay mine, he pays his insurance, I pay mine, we haven't merged any accounts like that yet, and we're pretty alright with that. I don't demand or expect that he (even though he's far better off financially than I am) pay for my way through everything.
I am of the opinion that whoever makes the date pays the bill. If I can't afford to go out, then I won't. If the guy I am dating wants to go out every night and wants me there with him, I'll try to keep the drinking to a minimum. But never have I felt that I deserved to be paid for because I was born with a vagina. When I have had the upper financial hand, I have always paid for shit or tried to split the check. I feel good being able to spend my money on people whose company I enjoy. Though the concept of having my life paid for sounds wonderful, and I joke about wanting a sugar daddy all the time, the fact of the matter is I just couldn't do it. I once had a guy offer to pay my salary if I quit my job, so that I would have more time to date him. I have never felt more disgusted in my life. Having someone else pay the bills just feels too much like indentured servitude. I would end up owing that person my existence, and I can't handle something like that. I would much prefer being a broke ass scrub living on cans of beans than a kept woman.
A whore is a professional who produces a professional grade product, whereas this chick is trying to sell her half assed arts-and-crafts. This ain't no craft fair cupcake.
I split on the first date and then will offer to pick up tabs or whatever down the line. Kind of the opposite that everyone else has said, and also has the opposite (i.e. negative) signaling effect. The reason being: If she didn't want to go out on a date with me, she shouldn't have said yes. If our tab is more than $10 each at the end of the night, then we've probably had a good enough time that I don't "owe" her anything to make up for a shitty evening—if it's less than that, then I probably will pick it up because trying to split an $18 tab just isn't worth it. The second reason being: I don't want paying for a tab to signal anything else. If splitting the tab is enough to make her decide that it's not worth a second date, then we weren't working out anyway and better to cut our losses early. The "earned capital" of paying for the date is a positive short-term effect but a negative long-term effect. The few dates I've picked up significant tabs (e.g. $70 dinner tabs) have always turned out to be a huge waste of time. Anti-Focus: A friend of mine who I had known for about two years asked me out for drinks one day. I thought it was a friend-zone night out but as the night progressed it became evident she was trying to get into my pants. I let her pay for the $120 bar tab. (The look of disdain the female bartender gave me was telling.) Then we went back to her place and I fucked her. About a week later she came to her senses and demanded I pay for my half—as a result, I now have her name permanently saved in my Bank of America online transfer system, despite not having spoken to her in over a year now.
I know I bring it up and every other post, I swear Ill try and quit in the next 7 to 8 months, but most of the Asian girls in China are all out for the dude that will pay for everything. Shanghainese girls are the worst but some girls come in from the poorer regions and already expect someone to cater to them. They are a bit behind and women are a lot less independent than here and are more like the American women of the 50s, as far as relationships go. But Shanghai had such a boom that Chinese dudes, and older American businessmen, do shower them with everything. So a lot of them do expect to have nice things showered on them and every meal payed for. Some are right next to being a hooker but only demand high end merchandise instead of money. I had heard stories and had a friend that it actually happened to. Basically he wined and dined a girl and by the third date they hooked up. The next morning when they went to get some food they passed through a mall and she stopped at a Gucci store and demanded he buy her a 2k dress. He laughed thinking it was a joke but she threatened to call the cops on a rape charge if he didn't. He promptly told her to fuck herself and left. Ill reiterate that she was not a hooker but legitimately thought this is how all rich Americans worked. I think 50/50 from the get go would be ideal but if it's a cheap first day, say under 20 bucks, Ill try and pay it all. But with it being so common for guys to pay for the first date, if she seems to eager to split it, it kind of feels like she isn't interested in the date to begin with or doesn't want to be obligated to make it up somehow later. Offering to pay for drinks or the tips is a good medium. Alt Focus Ive said before my roommate was in the most toxic relationship ever. He showered her with all kinds of shit, payed her phone bill, and let her live rent free with us. He had gotten like 25-30k from an auto accident and blew through a lot of it on her. After a while his parents took what was left from him to pay for his schooling which they had been footing the bill for.
I find it to be a nice gesture to have the guy pay for the first date. I will ALWAYS offer but I like it when they insist. However, when I first started dating el fiance, we were both broke and always chose free dates, like the park, the gardens, the beach, etc. We had a lot of fun for free and there was never any money pressure. If we went out to eat, we split it. Now, he makes more money than me and he usually pays. I agree with the posters who stated that it depends on each person's income. When it comes to friends, we usually either pay our own way. Sometimes we split, sometimes I'll cover it and they get me back the next time. There's never any argument because when you're out with friends, none of that matters. We always get each other back so even though tonight's venture out might be expensive, next weekend you're having fun for free.
I don't think I'm alone amongst guys when I say we genuinely enjoy being generous and providing for women, right up until the second she feels entitled to it, at which point we will do everything in our power to make her feel like a whore who rolled over in the morning to find no money on the nightstand. It's a sick game.
btw, fucking is free and i'm real good at that. i'll even make pancakes after, if i have enough flour.
If he offers to split, I will of course split the check. Obviously if the date was out of this world awesome then that wouldn't bother me, but typically first dates are just kind of normal, nothing awesome. When someone pays for your meal, it says to me that they want to take care of you. So if had a meh date and then he doesn't pay (for the record, cost should not be an issue here because I am an unbelievably cheap date), I feel like he wasn't really into the date and doesn't want to take care of me. It's weird logic, but that's how I feel. Edit: To me, splitting a check is indicative of platonic friendship. Especially on a first date, it sends out the wrong message to me if you as my date are trying to start a relationship with me (funnily enough, a huge d-bag I knew for awhile would pay for EVERYthing and expect women to sex him up all the time. He knew the system and abused it.)
I would have dumped that guy like a hot potato simply because if that is his idea of a compliment then that is really really far from the type of guy than I want to date.
For the split, would it change my idea of him as a person? No, however I would probably assume that he just isn't that interested in me. If he let me pick up the entire thing and he was the one who asked me out, I would pay, but I would be a little taken aback.
I had one date where the girl offered to pay. Not the check. Me. To end the date and never tell anyone it ever happened. That side of family is weird that way. A girlfriend in college came from a wealthy family. Wealthy as in flying their own jet when vacationing. I didn't know this when we first started dating. I always picked up the tab, whether it was dinner, movies, going to the bars, etc. Eventually, she started to pick up tabs here and there, and then starting buying me gifts like a Dupont Lighter, cashmere sweaters, etc. for no occasion. It made me very uncomfortable and we ended up breaking up partly as a result of it (and her use of the "M" word and we were only sophomores). When the Mrs. and I started dating again after college and we knew it was serious, it was always shared. Besides, at the time, she made more money than I did and it was a long distance thing for a while, her outside DC and me in NY. Thank God for People's Express and $39 flights.
My husband and I settled into splitting things pretty much 50/50 when we were dating. But it wasn't a conscious thing, just a very natural alternating with neither of us making a deal about it. And I never thought that I would be one to co-mingle bank accounts but we have for years and money isn't really an issue with us. He is all too happy to give up control of the finances, and I don't mind doing it. It was strange for me though to not be contributing to the household expenses when I was in school full time, even though I knew that it would come back around in the end. Only time in my adult (after probably age of 18) life that I haven't paid my own way. I think my husband knew I was a keeper on one of our first few dates, he was trying to cancel a date, and after giving a couple of excuses he admitted that he didn't have any money to go out to dinner, so I said if that was what it was, then I had money to pay (at this time I made quite a bit more than he did). And true romance was born.