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Can you pay my bills?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by lostalldoubt86, May 26, 2011.

  1. lostalldoubt86

    lostalldoubt86
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    In my experience, the guys I've dated get mad when I try to pay for things, so I've mostly given up on pulling out my wallet after the first date. Although, on that first date I will put up a bit of a fight before giving in. I know a lot of women my age who rely on their boyfriends to help pay their rent, buy them shoes, etc. But I've never met one girl who actively tries to pay for things.

    Focus: Discuss the video. Guys: Do you insist on paying for things or is the financial responsibility of having a girlfriend annoying? Girls: Is the fact that a guy doesn't pay for dinner a deal-breaker or do you prefer to pay your own way? Do you feel pressured to let the guy pay?
     
    #1 lostalldoubt86, May 26, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  2. DrFrylock

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    Jesus, I thought she was going to start bitching about Asians in her library or something.

    I do insist on paying for things. Not everything. But I have the coolest girlfriend in the world and she will pay for stuff too and we never argue about it at all. It's so great.
     
  3. Bryan

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    So you're saying the women you describe are glorified hookers.

    I would never insist on paying for things. I only do pay for girls when it's to my advantage tactically, to keep the momentum of the interaction going (e.g., buying the first round at the bar). I never do dinner dates or anything with such a low return on investment, much less pay for some girls rent or buy her shoes.

    Guys paying for things is a leftover relic from a time where men made more money, and female sexual favors were provisioned more narrowly for resource-providing boyfriends/husbands. But now that women often make just as much money (single, childless women in their twenties outearn their male peers) and with sexual liberation where women are encouraged to follow the whims of their vagina, there's no point in paying for girls in romantic contexts. Thanks feminism!
     
  4. audreymonroe

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    I admit I have a double-standard, but for first dates only. I'm aware of the sexist root of the etiquette, but I still think it's polite for the guy to pay on the first date, especially if he was the one who asked me out. If a guy doesn't offer to pay whatsoever, especially if we're just getting coffee or something equally cheap, it is a turn-off. I always ask if I can chip in if he reaches for the bill without saying anything, and even if they pay for it all I'll leave the tip. After that, though, I'll always try and pay for myself and feel very appreciative when they do insist on paying for me.

    The last guy I dated actually had a real job, and was aware that I was pretty much broke, so he took me out for everything. (I think the comparison of a couple's salaries is an important thing to take into consideration for how ok it is for one person to foot the bill the whole time.) In a couple of months of fairly pricey New York City dates, I only convinced him to let me pay for movie tickets once. It felt kind of nice, but it also started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable after a while. My dad pays for things for me. I don't want to have that in the back of my mind when I'm also thinking about boning my date later. It's just hard to shake the association of being cared for like that. (Although, yeah, I'm glad I still had the money I would've spent on all of those dates when the relationship quickly fizzled out.)

    I wasn't even aware that it was a possibility to ask a boyfriend to pay my bills if we're not living together/don't have a kid together/aren't married. I wouldn't expect that even if any of those things were true. I always assumed modern couples split things equally. I also can't imagine ever asking a boyfriend to pay for a shopping spree, or pretty much anything that was mentioned in both the video and the focus. I don't know any girls who think like that and it's really weird to know that's still a common thing outside of obvious gold diggers. I would like my boyfriend to buy me gifts or take me out every now and then, of course, but I also like giving them things too. I just think that's part of being in a relationship.
     
  5. Mantis Toboggan M.D.

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    First few dates, I'm paying, although an offer to pay (even if it's a single half-assed offer obviously made with the expectation that I won't let you) will earn you points. After that if the relationship is more established it's probably fair for you to start picking up the tab every now and then.
     
  6. Crown Royal

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    I sincerely hope you are not friends with these kept twats. Tell those guys to buy themselves a RealDoll instead, they'd have more dignity in the end.

    I've never minded paying for dates or whatnot in the past, but girls who are INSIST on splitting the tab, bringing it up five times on the date unintentionally get on my nerves. Guys ALWAYS go on a date with intent of paying for the whole thing, it's basic politeness. Knock off the fucking charade and let him, he'll feel a lot more comftorable if you do.
     
  7. Juice

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    Ive never had a girl suggest we split the bill on the first date, and I like that way.

    Relationships are another story. My girlfriend pays for about 40% of the stuff we do, and I get the other 60%. She insists that if I took her out to dinner the night before, she get breakfast the next morning or something like that. As for vacations and things of that nature, we split it 50/50. I would never pay her rent or her share of the bills if we were living together or anything.

    I had a buddy who's girlfriend was paying his rent for over a year in their apartment. Predictably, she booted him out after he wasnt shelling out any cash. He was shocked that he got kicked out because she never brought up that he pay for half. Apparently now shes telling everyone they broke up because hes gay or something...
     
  8. Binary

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    I will insist on paying for a first date meal/drinks/whatever up to the point that it's polite. If a girl is going to be insistent, fine, we can split it... but I rarely find that to be the case.

    Yeah, whatever, it's an old fashioned gender role. It's just something I feel is a nice gesture - I've bought meals for friends and family, why not on a date? It tells the girl I'm not a cheapskate (which I'm not), and I think it's simply a pleasant thing to do. The check is the least enjoyable part of any meal, and it's worse when you're working out how to split it and what to tip. If I take care of it, we can keep conversation going instead of discussing the check.

    After the first date, I try to let things fall into good patterns. I'm happiest if we get into a pattern of my paying for some things, her paying for others - splitting everything is such a pain. It doesn't matter to me if there's some disparity, just as long as we're both contributing and making a good effort.

    It'd piss me off if a girl asked for me to pay for everything - you have a job and an income, be responsible and pay your own damn bills.
     
  9. mya

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    Holy moly was that chick annoying, I generally agree with her very fuck laced rant though. I haven't dated in ages, but when I did it was typically the guy would pick up the tab on the first date. Like audrey, I would offer to split, be turned down, and insist I get the tip. Usually it settles into an alternating type thing. I can't even imagine that insisting a guy buy me expensive shoes and trinkets and pay my rent would make me feel very good about myself. I have generally been pretty independent and would hate to rely on somebody else to pay my bills. Where are you when things go bad? If you are in a place that you can't afford, how are you going to pay the rent if you break up?

    I had a similar conversation with my mother about this. Funny how the different generations feel about this. My sister is dating a guy and complains all the time about him wanting to do all of this costly stuff, but not paying for her. She can't really afford to do all of these things. Problem is, she does it anyway and then bitches about being broke. He makes significantly more money, but has the higher bills to go along with it (which is usually the case). My thoughts on that are that she needs to choose to not to go if she can't afford it (then if he really wants her there and pays for it, OK), hers is that of course he should pay, he's the guy and that is his responsibility. I can't get into that way of thinking.
     
  10. lostalldoubt86

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    The women I'm referring to here are mostly cousins who I don't talk to often. Mainly because they are spolied by everyone in their lives and it pisses me off.
     
  11. goodfornothing

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    I have no problem picking up the tab if I invite the woman out on dates. And they will typically pick up the tab or most of it if they invite me out. It should be standard practice for the guy to pick up the tab on the first date.

    That elevator music in the background of the video was annoying.

    And who are these schmucks that buy all this shit for these women?
     
  12. LatinGroove

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    Every women I've ever dated, except for one (the hottest girl I ever dated), has at least made an attempt to pay for the first date and every so often. I've never really let them pay in the past, but it was nice they at least made a genuine offer. I've traditionally never been bothered by paying for stuff because I've always made enough money to do it. Now that I have a kid and I'm on a budget I don't have as much money as I used to, so now I do let the woman pay occasionally if she doesn't make a big fuss about it. If I invite a woman out though it's because I'm paying.

    A guy from work was telling me about a super hot girl he met on the train the other day on the way from work. She got his number but after like two days was already asking him to buy her an iPhone.
     
  13. TX.

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    That girl is trying way too hard to be edgy and relavent. Maybe it's regional, but I don't know any girls who expect a guy to buy them shit, let alone pay for anything besides the first date.

    My boyfriend and I pay about 50/50. He makes a lot more money than I do, but I don't want him to pay for everything we do. If he gets dinner, I'll pay our bar tab. Or I'll cover the tip. I think this is pretty standard fare among couples.

    In my experience, it seems like the idea of the woman paying for the first date is almost emasculating for men. I always offer to pay or split, but I've never had a guy actually take me up on it. It's like they've wanted to take care of the first few dates and relaxed a little after that. I still find myself trying to order on the cheap side of the menu when I know someone else is buying.
     
  14. BL1Y

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    Couple years ago I was invited to a birthday dinner for a coworker. A few work people were there, but it was mostly her Jewish girl friends, and they spent about half the evening discussing J Date.

    Without any sense of shame, they recommended to each other different guys who they'd found who are good for paying for meals, guys they were still going on dates with. Basically, you go out with the guy once every two or three weeks, often enough to make him think it might go somewhere, but with enough distance that he won't try too hard to get into your pants.

    You collect a stock of 10-20 of these guys, and get really nice free meals Sunday-Thursday, then I guess on Friday and Saturday you go out with the guys you're actually attracted to.

    A different coworker insisted that the whole "guy has to pay" thing was fair, because girls had other expenses for the date, like getting their hair done, or how much more expensive women's underwear is. If that's how it works, fine, but you ate half the food at the meal, so I get to leave with your panties.

    Also, ladies, if you're on a date and it's going poorly and you don't think you're going to go out with him again, don't take home leftovers. Sorry, but you don't get to continue the date at a later time without him, unless you give him something for the spank bank so he can do the same.
     
  15. Nom Chompsky

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    I guess I'm going to be the dissenter here. Dissenter means cheap bastard, right?

    If I invite somebody out to dinner, or to the movies, or to a saucy puppet show, I'll pay. It seems like common sense to me -- if I go out of my way to request a relative stranger's presence, I wouldn't also want their money.

    But if she asks me out, or we're on a blind date set up by friends or something, I wouldn't feel compelled to pay for the entire bill. If I happen to like her a lot, and I feel like paying for her dinner, by all means. But if we had absolutely no connection, I feel no compunction to feed a date because I have testicles, and she (probably) doesn't. If we have equal earning power, and are equally invested in the date (from an invitation standpoint), there's no reason that the guy should be automatically paying for the date, first or otherwise.

    It bothers me when people use "tradition" as an excuse to cling to notions they admit are antiquated.
     
  16. rei

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    Most people my age are still finishing college or starting grad school, I have a fairly well paying full time gig, so I pay largely out of necessity, but I tend to not go crazy on the gifts outside of going out to eat because I am not a sugar daddy.
     
  17. jennitalia

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    Yesterday I helped a girl at work and when I was ringing her in at the cash desk I told her her total (approximately $200) and she just stood there and stared at her boyfriend (for a few solid minutes) before he took out his card to pay for her shit.

    I'll always offer to pay for my own share on a date, although never once have I been taken up on it. I wouldn't pay for some practically-a-stranger's food/drink/movie ticket and I wouldn't expect someone to pay for mine either. Last year, a dude I was seeing told me I was "pretty enough to have a guy pay for my bills." I'm pretty sure he intended this as a compliment but I was kind of offended by the notion. I can pay for my own shit, thanks.
     
  18. Nom Chompsky

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    I also don't understand people who will insist on paying for a first date, but then will nickel and dime a fucking group check to death. In my opinion, my friends are far more deserving of my money than strangers. I'd rather a bunch of women who didn't like me anyway think I was cheap than a single friend not be able to go out drinking with us because s/he lost her job or something.
     
  19. Binary

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    I agree with this wholeheartedly. I tend to pick up checks on dates, but I am equally generous out with friends. Not that I pay for everyone's bill all the time but I'm not going to agonize over what portion of the group bill I owe. I'd rather toss in extra than argue over where the missing two bucks is coming from - or as you said, have a broke friend spend money that would be better used elsewhere.

    My friends do the same, so it's all pretty close to even. I met a friend out the other night and picked up her wine during dinner. After we paid and spent a few hours talking, we decided to get dessert - and she took the check. Sometimes it's just about knowing that the other person was happy to give you something with no expectation of return.
     
  20. Chellie

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    I'm kind of old school when it comes to dating, and I feel the man should pick up the tab on the first date, though I always offer to take care of my share. Also, I usually suggest dinner followed by drinks at a different location for a date, if it's going well. When he insists on picking up the dinner tab, I'll ask him to grab us a table while I go buy the drinks, give the bartender my credit card, and tell him to put the tab on me.