I took my mom grocery shopping the other day and while we were checking out, the cashier was swiping the items through faster than I could get them up. An innocuous joke was made on my part and we were kind of flirting back and forth during the transaction. She was cute, not hot, but it was still cool to be flirting with someone after being in a relationship for 7+ years, so i just rolled with the punches. Her: *after the joke* Yeah, I'm off in half an hour, I can't wait to get out here. Me: Really? I assumed customer service would be ones passion. Her: No, I can't wait to go for a hike, but the weather looks like of crappy. Me: Come on, you can still hike, you just need to bring like an umbrella or something to keep you dry. Her: Don't be crazy, if I get caught out there I'll have no one to keep me warm. Maybe I'll just go to the gym instead So, me being the fucking Casanova I am, was trying to get a case of pop from the bottom of the cart and wasn't really paying attention. Here is where my powers of seduction came into play.... Me: Yeah, good call. Her: What? Me: Yeah, good ide....wait, no I mean it's good to exercise in a warm, dry environment. Her: *hmph!* Focus: Every put your foot in your mouth when trying to make headway with the opposite sex? Did you turn it into a Dear Penthouse column, or did you, like me, have to suffer a 15 minute car ride home with your mom laughing at you because you have the squarest wheels in the league.
"Hi, I was having a little debate with my friend here and I have a couple questions that only a woman can answer. Would you mind?" "Not at all. How can I help?" "OK, first question, what matters more to you in a potential boyfriend: looks or personality?" "Hmm. I'd have to say personality, definitely." "Awesome, thanks. Next question: how much would someone have to pay you to have sex with her [points at friend] on camera?" They were not amused. Oh, sorority girls, it was a fine line you made us walk.
I don't have a filter and say some very inappropriate things while in conversation with just about anyone. The following is typical of what sometimes happens when I'm out at the bar (Sitting at the bar of a pub at the marina talking to a guy and two women he's with. One was clearly interested in me we'd been flirting with lighthearted banter over the course of two drinks) Me: You don't seriously use weather.com to forecast what the weather is going to be out on the water do you? Him: It's pretty damn accurate actually. Me: No it isn't. You realize that the weather station they pull data from for this region is about 20 miles inland right? Him: No it isn't. Me: Yes it is. Here check it out, says it right on the phone. (I proceed to show he and his female companions) Me: Weather.com doesn't control mother nature. She'll fuck you the first chance she gets. (everyone nods agreement) Me: She'll literally FUCK YOU. Probably with her fist, without even spitting on it first (I mimic spitting on my fist and then make the universal fisting motion with my hand). Just like this. The ladies excused themselves shortly after that.
One time one of my friends asked our waitress at a bar if she knew our male landlord "because you look like him." Another time me and the same friend were at a bar which was pretty much empty and talking to the bartender a lot. For whatever reason, I had the movie Cable Guy in my head, so I'd been calling everyone "STttttttteeevvveennnn" all day. When I called her that, she assumed it was a joke about her smaller than average (but still fantastic, in my opinion) breasts. Check please.
When I was in grade 12, I volunteered for this after school program where we would look after the grade 1-6 kids whose parents couldn't come to pick them up until after 5pm. The only reason I did it was because it gave you some small credit as an extra-curricular activity, and the woman who ran the program would have her smoking hot 18 yr old daughter drop by each day (she went to the school across the street from mine). One day they brought a magician in to entertain these kids, and as part of the act I had to dress up in this mascot style bear costume. I couldn't see a damn thing in this suit, and it was hot as hell. I kept taking the head off so I could talk to this girl, and the magician kept getting pissed at me - for some reason he was convinced the kids had no idea there was a person in the costume. After a little bit, the main part of the act that I was needed for had arrived, and I was all set to impress this girl. I was standing on this beam that was about 1 ft off the ground, pretending to over balance when this little kid runs up and wails me in the nuts as hard as he could. All the other kids started laughing their asses off as I fell to the ground, and then that was the signal for all of them to pile on me beating the living shit out of me. The magician just stood their with his thumb up his ass. It took about 10 minutes to stand up under the weight of all the kids and the awkwardness of the stupid costume. When I finally got up and got the head off, I could see this girl standing in the corner, almost pissing her pants laughing at me. Thank Christ this was in the days before cell phone cameras.
At a kegger one night in college, I asked a girl holding a clear cup of beer what she was drinking. Her lips said "yes" but her eyes said "dumbass". Fuck her, I couldn't even stand on my own that night. Did she expect Shakespeare?
I've twice dropped the line, "My dick just died can I bury it in your ass?", but only for shits and giggles, if I was actually trying to get those girls in bed I would have used surprise sex.
After getting bored of making out/groping to this girl I met at the bar while visiting a buddy: Me: "Hey, so, why don't you take a few licks down there?" Her: "Yeah, I'm gonna go find my friends they should be down the hall..." I didn't think it was THAT bad of a line at the time...
So it was my senior year of high school. I was on a date with a girl at home from college. We were in the car, making out. So I tried my best line, "Suck me beautiful." A simple line that made my point, but still complimented her. She didn't seem to hear me, because she asked, "What did you just say?" So I repeated myself, "Suck me beautiful." She then laughed at me, so I ended the date and went to the kegger.
I was at a bar, not drinking because I was on antibiotics and my friends wanted me to drive. This cute girl kept asking me why I wasn't drinking, and I got annoyed with telling her the story of how I had a sinus infection and on antibiotics and didn't want to die. So I told her to suck the antibiotics out of me and I would start drinking for her. And uhh...for some reason that worked.
Once I was in bed, drunk with a girlfriend and told her that I thought her style was frumpy. I did not have sex that night.
I went up to New Smyrna beach a few years ago with my parents for a monthly classic car and bike show, and stopped for a few beers after walking around. The waitress was attractive enough to kick my womanizing on full blast and I started going back and forth with her. She wasn't my typical type, as in skinny as hell, but I'll go after a pretty face as long as she's not a sweat hog from the neck down. Cue my mother sticking her foot in her mouth for me. This waitress had a nice round ass for a white woman, which I immediately went Frank the Tank on, imagining what I'd find underneath those tight black pants. Instead of picturing a black crotchless T-back thong, my mother pictured her pushing a baby or two from out between her hips. I firmly stood by the fact that she had to be stretch mark free, but the next time she came over to the table, my mother popped off with: "Excuse me, do you have any kids?" "No, why would you ask?" "You have a really kind face..." My father and I tried to contain our laughter till she was out of earshot.
I ate a 10.5 gram mushroom, filled with all that blue cotton candy-looking fuzz in the stem, 2 hours before going to hang out with a buddy and a couple new lady friends. He'd mentioned she had lights in her pool that changed colors to the beat of a song. I was a little out of my mind, unable to swill the single beer I'd been holding for 2 hours, but seemed (in my head) able to contribute to the conversations. From the kitchen I spotted something changing colors, and it seemed to go with the music playing (there was none). I ripped off my shirt and while running outside screamed something to the tune of "maybe I can change colors too," jumped, and landed on the pool-cover. Still got laid, though.
Back when I was 20 and in my senior year. My 68 year dad had a few minor strokes, nothing serious, just started walking funnier than usual and well started slightly slurring his words. This bothered my mother because my father was/is such a tact speaker, him not being on his talking game bothered her to no end. So off to the speech therapist. This chick was probably 26ish, and since my dad is the age of most people's grandparents, thought I was older. She was pretty cute. Once my dad was off practicing some stuff, we started talking, I got a bunch of nice signs, her going out of her way to let me know she's single, where she lives and the fact she wants to get out more. My dad begins to perk up, as he hates anything medical or anything not in his routine. Her: Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing this weekend, not sure what to do in Chicago. You've been here your whole life? Me: Yep, I love this place, I could easily show you around. Her: Let me know me a date and I'll take you up on your offer. My dad perks up: Date? What do you mean date? Parker's not dating until he finishes school. Her: Sir, let me get your papers so we can finish the evaluation and I can move you on. My dad straight-up cold cockblocked me. Right then and there. I was stunned. I should have played more carefully, he has a history of destroying me in front of women.
Like Parker and his dad, my mom likes to lay down the cockblock as well. Anytime she catches a guy checking me out she takes the opportunity to announce "I wish those bad boys would stop looking at my baby!" Thanks, mom.
Oh and another time, one of the two times I've ever had my HS gf over to my house is because my dad walks in and tries to tell this ridiculous fucking joke. I can't remember it nor can I tell it right. Anyway we're both sitting in my room, just watching TV. My dad walks in and says "Hey I gotta joke." The dread kicks in immediate. My her step dad's name was Paul. "A Priest, a Policeman and Paul are running down the street chasing after each other." I'm already embarrassed to shit, and she's confused to hell "...uh...why?" "Because Paul is running over here to kill you for (some weird 1930s way of saying fucking) his daughter, the Policeman is trying to stop him, and the Priest is there for forgive both of your souls." He laughs, and just walks away. That's it. That's all he fucking does. I didn't even know what to do. I couldn't even fuck her that night back at her place because I just was in mental shock the whole day. I've never admitted to my parents that I've had sex. I don't even hint at it. They are old, and hearing them comment on it is fucking scary. I know it's weird, everyone fucks, but my parents are fucking off. And he's a dry dry man born in the 40s, he doesn't ever talk about anything sexual or even swear. Needless to say, we've never hung out at my place again.