Call of the Wild

i've seen a mountain lion walking away from me at night. it was less than 20 yards away. that thing could've fucked my shit up if it wanted to.

 

i live and work out in the country, so i see wildlife all the time. i probably see deer every day and run into a lot of raccoons, skunks, woodchucks, fox, coyotes, muskrats and rabbits. there's also a mountain lion or two roaming around the area. i've seen their tracks a few times but have yet to meet one in person. i also see a lot of bald eagles ('murica!).
i adopted a baby deer this spring when his mother was hit by a car. i had him for a little over a month before he died of a heart attack, which the vet determined was due to some sort of birth defect. it was sad to see him die, he sure was a friendly little bugger.

 

three summers ago in the sea of cortez we were fishing around some islands and saw a commotion a few hundred yards from where we were. there were 9 pangas fishing in the area and all of us went to take a look. we found this 15 foot mako shark and a bull seal sparring over a dead fish, neither one were overly aggressive and we sat there and watched for 10 minutes hoping the shark would eat the seal. this is when he go close to my boat, i could have reached out and petted him.

 

when i was little we were on vacation with my parents and we stopped at some kind of convenience store to get stuff, but there was a field with horses next to it. i was about 9 and decided i was going to pet them. i had to walk down this steep little hill and things were going great but then for some reason the horse started freaking out, going up on it's hind legs, neighing at me. i fell back on the hill and couldn't get up because the damn thing kept putting his head over the fence and getting in my face, showing me his teeth. so i just laid there, hysterically crying and screaming. people finally came and dragged me up the hill because they couldn't get close. i think they were mad at me for bothering the horse. whatever, he was stupid anyway. sure was afraid of horses for a while after that.

and then another time on vacation with my family (huh, i'm seeing a theme here), we went on one of those drive through safaris. except we got lost. we went wandering down this one (what we thought was) a dirt road in a field, and it just stopped. so we just sat in our car looking around wondering what to do. i remember my dad saying, "i don't think this is the way we were supposed to go." ya think? luckily our car was small enough that we could turn around, but it wasn't a flat area so it took about 10 times of going back and forth before we finally got going back the other way. i think it was buffalo, which were bigger than our car, and i was afraid we'd have to get out and walk. that wasn't happening.

and then another time i completely freaked out because a walking stick was on my leg. come on, it's a stick--that walks! my reaction was completely legitimate.

that's wildlife right? we came close to a bear once during the walking stick incident if that counts. my dad was all, "they won't bother you" and i was like, "get me out of here! drive faster!" we were in an old army jeep that was completely open. wtf dad?

 

i have had the fun of having many nature encounters. a lot of them have been on this island off of canada i've gone to almost every summer for the past 11 years. my two favorites:

- my friend and i were kayaking, and we kept hearing this sound like *pwwoosssh* we were pretty far out in the water, so we couldn't figure out where it was coming from and were almost starting to get worried something was wrong with our boat when one of us noticed this seal pop his head up from the water a few feet away. the pwwooossh was him letting out his breath as he was coming out, and he'd been following us for the past few minutes. he was maybe 4 feet away and we could see his big brown puppy dog eyes trying to figure out what we were. it was the cutest.
- a different year, we were on a whale watch and we saw a whale orgy. this huge pod of whales were all being very flirty and trying to show off and putting on quite the show.

one summer, when i was visiting my hometown, my friend and i were doing one of our favorite hikes which has a big rock scramble up to a peak and then a much less strenuous stroll through the woods back down. we were on our way back after our picnic when we heard some rustling in the woods and a baby black bear came strolling out to cross the trail. we were all caught up with awwwing when we realized the momma bear would probably be right behind it and we'd always heard momma bears were much more prone to attack when their babies were around. sure enough, the huge momma bear appeared and we completely froze, certain shit was about to go down. but, somehow, they either didn't notice us or didn't care because they carried on our way without so much as a grumble.

i may have told this story before, but, my all-time favorite story happened in costa rica. i got to this beach right around lunch time, so i started with my picnic. i was eating plantain chips when i noticed something moving out of the corner of my eye. a monkey had been slowly walking up to me and was eyeing my chips. even though i knew i probably shouldn't, i couldn't help it when this adorable little monkey was right there so i held out one of the chips. but, instead of taking the chip, the monkey held my hand and then continued coming up to me until he climbed into my lap. we sat there for a few moments, looking into each other's eyes, holding hands. i felt like pocahontas with how magically in tune with nature i was. then, all of a sudden, there was this wild eruption of chaos and i realized not only was the monkey trying to run away with the entire bag of chips, but as i was trying to wrestle the chips out of his hands, another monkey that had been lying in wait behind me came rushing up to try and steal all of the rest of my picnic too. they managed to get away with the chips and a bag of trail mix and they ran up to the top of the tree i was sitting under. a few minutes later they let the empty bags drift down on top of my head.

 

i made a 13 foot king cobra shit itself in a staring contest.

seriously, the thing was staring me in the face and it shat all down my side.

 

i live on the coast of northwestern bc, and love to travel through the ice fields(alberta rockies, jasper to banff). i have commercial fished and worked at dfo(department of fisheries and oceans). i have seen all sorts of wild life.

some of the most memorable are
- at a fish gate(where the dfo counted fish).we were replacing the screens my boss had his german shepard with him and all the sudden he started barking and running up the river. we turn around and look and there are some bears(cant remember if black or grizzly), my boss started yelling at the dog "get back here you dumb ass, it will kill you in no time"

- when on the commercial fish boat. we had different whales breach relatively closely to the boat. there was a pod of killer whales the came through one day, and the killed fishing for the dam. saw lots of seals and sea-lions. fuck seals, they are way over populated and fuck up commercial and sports fishing.

- traveling with the wife and there was a kermode bear on the side of the road.

- depending on the time of the year, you can easily see upwards of 4 dozen bald eagles at certain places.

- biking down the side of the mountain(old service road that is barely upkept) and two black bear cubs come out and cross the road right in front of me, then the mom. luckily they kept running across the road.

- i remember lots of times as a kid going through the rockies and having the road blocked by packs of animals.

 

we don't really do wild animals (in a dangerous sense) here, so other than seeing the odd possum or rabbit running around everything else i've experienced up close has been a bird or ocean life. i've seen wild seals reasonably close a few times, as well as whales, dolphins, orcas and penguins from a little further away. i also come across weta from time to time, including in our mail box a few times. they'll give you a bite if you're not careful but they're not really dangerous.

not 'wild' per se, but when i was at busch gardens in tampa i climbed into the tunnel which takes you to a plastic bubble in the middle of the tiger enclosure, and happened to be there right on feeding time. the guy feeding them decided it would be good to throw food at where i was standing, so i had tigers feeding inches from my face, albeit on the other side of a bit of plastic.

 

south florida has a vast display of lush flora, and a display of indigenous wild fauna. and not so indigenous. between the sea life and swamp life, you can see some wildlife that survive the buildup. it's pretty fantastic actually.

kayaking a couple months ago on the loxahatchee river i saw plenty of alligators, all sizes. lovely feeling when you drift quietly by one sunning itself on the bank, then the retards behind you start screaming, sending a 400 pound reptile with a 2000 pound biteforce scrambling into the water right as you pass. on the same trip saw some alligator snapping turtles the size of a hound dog. i was more scared of those damn things than the gators.

the most spectacular thing you can witness down here is sea turtle laying season. between may and late june these things drag themselves on shore to lay their eggs. every night, after 9, you can probably find at least one laying a nest. i saw 4 one night alone. stay quiet and a good pace away (because you can spook them and they won't lay again, ever), you can watch them grunt their way up the beach, dig a whole with their back flippers, lay and bury their eggs, then slink back into the ocean. on a full moon night it's especially amazing. the light casts all these great shadows and reflects off the water on their shells, then waves quietly lap at her and finally swallow the animal as though it was never there, save for the flipper tracks. couple months later you can catch the hatchlings making their way into the ocean. which is a bit stressful because they're a pain to see on a dark night.

few weeks ago at the beach a young sea turtle swam on by in broad daylight, clearly not giving one fuck about me. also saw a manatee couple weeks before that. couple tiny black tip sharks this summer too.

no, my closest encounter was with a jerk ass raccoon and his brood. caught this asshole trying to burrow into my attic. he finally got in through the soffits. trapper got him, but later i hear this clicking noise. look out the window to see mama and 5 babies coming out of my garage. at a couple hundred bucks a head to trap them, i just said fuck it. when they moved out in the spring i chicken wired everything. shit, i hope they had left before that. had another one recently trying to break in, but failed. sob had some cheek too. i was swimming one night, he walked by and hissed at me as if i got in *his* face. i have never wanted to blow an animal away before i encountered goddamn raccoons.

 

i hung out with this baby bird for a few hours last year. he sat on my shoulder as i was reading a book. every once in awhile he would fly off to perch on a birdbath, and then he would fly back to sit on my shoulder. i eventually had to walk up to a tree and coax him on to a branch at the end of the night. a few days ago, a bird flew up onto my porch and watched me read. i'm not sure if it was the same bird, but it was similar except not baby.

 

i've had a couple incidents with getting bats out of homes. those little bastards are so aerodynamic, they deke you out like messier. by some hail-mary luck i hurled a towel at one and snagged it perfectly out of the air like those nets from the running man.. the other had to taste the broad side of a wooden tennis racket.

 

focus: ever had any close encounters with wildlife?

we had our campsite ransacked by a black bear when i was 8-9. i slept through it pretty much entirely. fortunately my dad scared it off with a flashlight or i would have been woken by the sound of a .44 magnum. in retrospect, it would have been more prudent to try and put the food out of reach than go all dirty harry.

the best thing was it left a deep claw mark in one of those gigantic sam's club ketchup bottles we had just bought, so i had the coolest ketchup bottle a kid could have until that green shit was released.

 

6 years ago i went to the galapagos with my family. it's seriously an amazing place with all kinds of up close encounters with wildlife who give not one single fuck about humans, you should go if you have the chance.

of course, with all that wildlife, cardinal rule #1 is do not touch the animals.

so we're walking along a trail on one of the islands, and all of a sudden, we see this little sea lion pup, wobbling along and bleating piteously. we all stood stock still watching, because a) cuuuute and b) aforementioned do not touch. he sort of looked up at each person, with his sad cry of "blaaaargghhh" as if to say "are you my mommy? are you?"

when he got to me, bleated up at me and then ever so gently leaned over and sniffed my knee. i died a thousand deaths from the cuteness.



oh, and then there was the time a black bear did a break and enter on my parents' condo at tahoe while my sister was the only one staying there. she came up the stairs in the dark, saw a giant furry shadow, and fled in terror. by the time the sheriff arrived, the bear had departed, after having 1) peeled the ice cream cartons to eat the goodies inside, 2) eaten a bunch of grapes and deposited the stems in the sink, 3) taken a plate of cookies into the living room to devour, 4) located the mexican hot chocolate mix in the back of a cabinet and extracted it without breaking anything, and generally left a giant trail of bear slobber throughout the house.

 

there were wild boar all over our training area in hawaii. my guys would constantly get chased, especially trying to find a port-a-potty at night. our command didn't care we almost got gored on a daily basis out there, they wont until someone gets hurt, and then they'll act like it's the first time they've heard of the issue.

a slightly more badass, "nature is fucking scary" story:

my dad hit a mountain lion with his chevy silverado going about 50mph. dented the truck and everything. the mountain lion jumps up, unfazed, and resumes running up the side of the mountain chasing a deer.

 

i got run into by a deer.

we have some pretty established trails on our ranch, and one time i was running them close to dusk. wrong place wrong time. should have been a yield sign for pedestrians where that yet-unknown deer trail crossed the human trail.

like this, except white tail doe, surrounded by cedar trees and the collision was at "jogging" speeds:




i was happy to get away having the wind knocked out of me, a bunch of scrapes and bruises, and a very bruised ego. the doe was fine.

but my old cross-country coach was once run over by a deer on a road, and he got sent to the hospital for his trouble. so apparently they're attacking us now.

 

i thought the buck was coming back to finish the job for a split second at 1:00

 

i was spin fishing with my dad off the coast of dunsborough in his 14ft dinghy when we saw a water spout and a whale breach the surface about 30m from us. you don't appreciate just how big they are until you see one up close. this one was easily twice the size of our boat. we followed it until it dove out of sight. 30 seconds later it pops up right next to us and we nearly capsized. i nearly pissed myself. i wasn't sure if we'd annoyed it or if it just gave zero fucks we were there. it made for the open sea and we didn't follow. i might have some photos somewhere.

during my scuba training we were hugging the bottom to avoid a current. the guy next to me knelt on a stingray, forgot buoyancy control and went straight to the surface. dangerous, but he was fine.

diving in the gili islands (at shark point) we descended right on top of a 6ft reef shark. that was cool as hell. that trip i was diving with a really skilled underwater photographer, i can post some pretty special photos if anyone's interested.

in thailand i did the tourist thing and held/fed a baby tiger. i'm a 6'2 guy, and when this little foot long cub decided it didn't want to be on my lap anymore, i couldn't hold it. holy christ are those things strong, a fully grown one would ragdoll freecorps without breaking a sweat.

 

being from australia the only "scary" wildlife encounters i've had were with snakes. i've had eastern brown snakes (second deadliest snake in the world) crawl through my legs a couple of times while out walking near my home. they say you're supposed to stay still and not disturb it, but every time i've looked down to see a huge snake slithering near my junk i've leaped three feet in the air and had a near heart attack.

we have eastern grey kangaroos in our garden almost everyday. they are much like deer, large yet basically harmless, but males can get aggressive in mating season.

i love to travel to areas where i'll be able to see wildlife, without doubt the best place i've been to for that is borneo. here are a few of the more interesting photos of stuff i've seen:

the bizarre proboscis monkeys of borneo:

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semi-wild orangutans in borneo:

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silver leaf monkey in borneo:

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a rare hornbill that just perched on the deck of a longhouse i was staying at in bario (a small jungle town in sarawak):

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monkeys bathing in hot springs in nagano:

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