I told the following joke to my friends on day in Year 8 (14-15 years old): A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies. The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top." The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top." The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "We did it doggystyle, so my baby's going to be a puppy." We were all laughing until one of my friends turns to the other, "Andrew" and says, "you don't get the joke, do you?" "Of course I do! She fucked a dog"
I was at an academic conference once, and it was a pretty typical conference. You sit there for four sessions a day listening to people talk at you in 20-minute blocks. Some of the talks are pretty good, but a lot of them are just not interesting, or you get the point in the first five minutes and the other 15 are just sitting there wanting to stab yourself in the eye with the six-cent hotel pens. A bunch of us had our laptops there and had them open to "take notes," but there was no Internet available at all. None. No wireless, no 3G, no Ethernet, nothing. There's shit little you can do with a bunch of laptops except maybe play solitaire, but people can see you doing that (damn green background) and it's rude, so you can't. What you can do, however, is set up an ad-hoc network. That is, a wireless network that connects all the machines in the room. Now you can't run ordinary instant messaging software on such a network, but you can run special chat software that operates over simple programs like telnet. This creates a little private chatroom for everyone. Well one person just so happened to have such software, so there was now an ad-hoc chatroom set up between certain "in the know" individuals in the room while the talk was going on, giving them a silent back-channel to exchange ideas about the talk. During boring talks, you'd see: Albert: Oh my god this guy needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Bob: Doesn't this guy look like Bruce Lee to you? Chris: Does anybody understand what the hell this guy is saying? That's funny enough, but it gets worse when the speaker says something like "Now as time goes on, this factor gets bigger and bigger" and you see on your screen: Bob: That's what she said. Now everyone else is being very, very quiet and serious in the room, and you have to not laugh. Which is made all the more difficult by the fact that nothing funny has been said. Out loud. Some of the participants were foreign graduate students. These students were very cool but not indoctrinated into all the various idioms used in English and what they mean. So then came this: Albert: This talk is like doing it IDB. Slow, painful, and full of shit. Bob: Dude shut up I'm trying not to laugh here. Krishna: What is IDB? Bob: Dude Don't tell him. Chris: Seriously don't. Albert: What? How else is he going to learn. Bob: No. Seriously. No. Krishna: Seriously what is it? Intra-directional something? What? Chris: Don't do it. Bob: We're all adults here. Chris: NO Albert: IN DA BUTT! Krishna: I don't understand? What is in da butt? Someting goes in a butt? (at this point people are covering their mouths trying to look contemplative while simultaneously turning red) Krishna: Ohh I get it that is bad. So you have this poor foreign guy trying to understand what "in da butt" is all about while this guy is droning on and on about empirical results or some shit. Finally, the chat software gave people the ability to log in using whatever name you wanted. Most people logged in with their own names, but then someone would log in in another window with a different name. This was right after Team America came out, and so you'd be watching the conversation and see: Kim-Jong Il has joined the chat. Kim-Jong Il: HARROOOOOO!!!! Kim-Jong Il: I'm RONERY! Kim-Jong Il: Oh so RONERY! Kim-Jong Il: I'm RONERY! Kim-Jong Il: I'm ROOKING FOR THE WMD! ANYONE HAVE THE WMD? Hans Blix has joined the chat. Kim-Jong Il: HANS BRIX! Hans Blix: I know what you're up to Kim-Jong Il! Kim-Jong Il: You wirr never get my WMD Hans Brix! At various points people were nearly unable to contain themselves and must have looked quite strange with their faces mostly covered, turning purple, shaking up and down in their chairs.
Focus: When I was doing my army recruit course one night when the lights out call was made someone said something that wasn't overly funny but just set me off. I spent the better part of the next 15 minutes laughing out of control sometimes sounding like something out of a mad professor movie until i finally managed to calm myself. After about 5 minutes of this the giuys stopped finding it funny and were starting to get pissed incase i brought the Corporal down the hall and we got into shit. Alt Focus: To those of you who have seen Two and a Half Men and know of Allans ex missus Candy then imagine her asking someone how many days are in 72 hours. A girl who worked with a friend was a doppelganger of Candy and that was one of many funny things that came out of her mouth that night.
Me: "I locked my keys in the car." Him: "How'd you do that?" *crickets* ...honestly, how else CAN you do that?
I had a hard time convincing the girlfriend that pickles were just brine-treated cucumbers. Her: "Ugh. I always forget to ask for no pickles." (At a sandwich shop) Me: "I'll eat it. I don't understand why you don't like pickles, you like cucumbers." Her: (Laugh) "What's your point?" Me: ..."Pickles are just cucumbers that were left in a bucket of salt water." Her: "No they aren't." Me: "Okay, so where do pickles come from? Pickle trees?" Her: ... I think she went home and did some research that night.
This one time on the internet someone said that pickles and cucumbers were the same thing, cause you know they taste exactly the same and all.
I used to work with a director who thought “in arrears” was pronounced “in the rear”. This was all fine and dandy during a conference call since we could hit the mute button and let the laughter roll. However, when she was in the room stifling that laughter was very difficult. To stifle a laugh I furrow my brow, purse my lips and look down at my planner or notes in an attempt to look like I am concentrating heavily on the issue at hand. Sometimes it works and sometimes I have to excuse myself for a hilarious phone call or really funny bathroom break.
Overheard tonight: "What do you call those words that describe things? Describers?" Describers is now an official part of my vocabulary.
Alt. Focus: Months ago, when watching a Sprint commercial that used "statistics" about the users on their network, I asked aloud how they calculated their "instantaneous" stats. Everyone still thinks it's funny. I still think it's a legitimate question.
Focus: I am completely incapable of not laughing at funerals. Not tiny giggles either, full blown, clutching my sides, can't breathe chuckles. Last winter at my grandpa's funeral, my sister had to bodily drag me out, because I was laughing so hard I couldn't move. I genuinely can't help it. Same thing happens when someone is yelling at me, I guess it's an involuntary nervous reaction. I want to be a Paramedic, but I'm afraid that I'm going to be standing over some dude with a caved in head and just fucking lose it. Alt. Focus: My older sister called me a couple of years ago, because the lightbulb in her lamp blew out and she didn't know how to change it. I had to walk her through the process of twisting in a goddamn lightbulb.
I am exactly the same. If my mum or sister is in my face and furious at me for some reason, I will immediately start to grin and then laugh. This just makes them even angrier, which makes me laugh more.
What the fuck is it that genetically predisposes people to bringing threads back from the dead? Is there a Zombie Gene somewhere that I should know about? Is it making a comeback, and I should move up my target interdiction plans here at the Fortress of Solitude?