But ma, that was ten years ago!

My parents came into town early for the holidays and I went and had dinner with them tonight. We were talking about what a fuck-up I was growing up, as I got into a ton of trouble [detentions, suspensions, neighborhood trouble for the stupidest things] and then my parents were getting pretty boastful. My dad said something like, "Yeah, you never got away with shit growing up did you? It seems we caught you every time doing stupid things."

To the contrary, I just broke the rules so much that I was bound to get caught. I snuck out probably close to a thousand times and was caught maybe three times. I lived on the bottom floor of my three-story house most of growing up once I moved, and by the time my two older brothers went off to college I was the only one inhabiting the bottom floor. At some point I never even was careful with leaving like I once was, I would just slide the door open and walk out the back gate to whatever it was I did.

So I decided now that we were past the statute of limitations that my parents could actually get angry at me and we were at the laugh about it stage so I decided to let them in on some of my exploits that they did not know about.

One of the stories I told them about is my absolute favorite story from growing up.

Our house backed up to a trail that ran through many towns and it was often what I used to sneak around late at night when I was in high school and didn't drive to not get fucked with by police. One night I went to a friend's house who was having a party and he was about three lengths of the trail away from where I lived, or about 40 minutes or so of walking. I snuck out and had to return home before the morning so that my parents didn't know what was up. I got way too drunk and walked home at about 1 in the morning.

The next thing I know, I woke up spread eagle in the middle of the trail with my backpack as a pillow. The best part was, it was about 10 in the morning which meant it was about 4 solid hours of people riding their bikes on the trail and having to go around me to continue down the trail. Nobody woke my ass up or checked if I was alive, and I was about 16 years old at the time. That isn't even the best part actually. The BEST part was I made it about three houses from where I lived and passed out there. I thought for SURE I was fucked because my parents were big on waking my ass up before 11 as they didn't let me sleep in, but this was the once in a blue moon that they slept in themselves so I was able to slip back inside and back into bed without being caught.

After I was done telling my parents this story, I got two different reactions. My mom had a reaction of horror because she never thought I was a big drinker in high school [which I wasn't, I did not drink that often actually]. My dad laughed his ass off and said this is why he moved from California and specifically our town because nobody gives a shit. He found it hilarious that nobody woke me or checked if I was alive and they just continued about their days.

Focus: What were some things you got away with as a kid that you later told your parents about? What was their reaction? Also, did your parents generally think they were smarter than you and caught you in the act more often than not?

 

I backed into a utility pole in my dad's Explorer and shoved the bumper in about two inches on one side when I was 16. I kept my mouth shut about it and he never noticed... that is until he went to trade it in 5 years later. He mentioned it casually and figured that my handicapped brother must have backed into something and didn't notice. I sheepishly admitted that I had done it and he was more pissed that I didn't tell him.

I came home one day sick as a dog... bless my mom's heart, she took care of me and didn't ask any questions. I told her some years later that I had been smoking that day and the weed had something (unknown to me) in it. (I'm pretty certain it was crack but I will never admit that to my mother.) She said she figured that something was up but that I was suffering enough. I had hallucinations and vomited for about 8 hours... let's just say I don't do drugs anymore.

 

When I was 16, I let my friend drive my car when we were on our way back from an out-of-town track meet. She sideswiped another car while trying to change lanes, and we quickly switched seats when we pulled into a gas station, so it would seem like I was driving. When I first bought my car, my dad told me: "NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS DRIVE YOUR CAR!" I was so scared of my dad that I would much rather him think I made a stupid driving move than disobey him.

I told him about 6 or 7 years later that it was my friend who had been driving, and he was really surprised I was able to keep a secret like that for so long. Especially since I had to pay for all the damages and was grounded for 2 weeks. He was mad that I lied, but that's no surprise since he's an asshole with a horrible temper.

 

Last summer my aunts and uncles came to my parents house for a BBQ/pool party. After we ate my father suggested we have some cocktails instead of beers and I was tasked with making them.

My uncle orders a cape codder (vodka, cranberry juice, and lime) and I head into the kitchen to mix one up.

I make it, bring it out to him along with a few other drinks and everyone is satisfied except him.

He starts busting my balls about how light my pour is and I defend myself saying I gave him a full six count on the vodka.

Then I start thinking.

"Dad how long have you had that vodka in there?"

"Oh a few years. We never drink the stuff."

"Could it be from when I was in high school?"

"Probably."

Sure enough it was. It was the vodka that I had stolen junior year and replaced with 90% water. Since my parents never drank it and other people would bring their own to the house it was never used. We all had a pretty good laugh about it although my mother was legitimately pissed that I was "drinking at such an early age".

If she only knew. Can't wait for them to try the Bacardi that's in there.

 

This is hilarious. Did you grow up in North Dallas? My fiancee's mother has a huge collection of Beanie Babies that she has been trying to unload for years. She literally spent upwards of $50,000 on these things back when they were hot. I've heard numerous stories about her freaking out about people trying to steal them. I don't think she had cats though.

Focus: When I was 5 and my brother was 2, I broke one of my mother's gold necklaces and blamed it on my brother. He couldn't barely speak at that age, let alone control his bowel movements. He got one of the all-time greatest spankings in our household. He wasn't even able to defend himself. I told my mom about 15 years ago, and she got a pretty big kick out of it. My brother didn't even remember it happening.

 

When I was 16, my mother married her third husband. Good guy. We wanted us to have dinner together every night as a family. This was new to my siblings and I, but we liked him so we humored him.

Sadly, old habits die hard and I showed up to that dinner late and high every single day. One day, and I have no idea why, I was on time and sober. It was nice. Great meal, fun conversation...but my mother kept staring at me. Next thing I know she's screaming at me like only she can that she knows I'm high and how dare I show my face at the dinner table like that, and who do I think I am, and I will never amount to anything if I do drugs, and JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!???????

I sat there horrified, realizing that she thought my inebriated state was my natural personality. I apologized.

I told her about her mistake a couple of years later. She didn't believe me.

 

I came home stoned on a fairly regular basis during my junior and senior year of high school. Mom never suspected a thing. She was always up. We would talk, catch up on each other's day....she never asked about the bloodshot eyes or the intense need for doritos and ice cream. Then one night while out with my friends I got a page from my step dad (yes this was when all the cool kids had pagers, not cell phones). My mom had been in a car accident, she was injured but going to be OK, and she's at the hospital. I jump in my car and race to the hospital. I had literally maybe 3-4 hits that night. I was barely buzzed. So there's mom laying on a stretcher, IV tubes, bruised face, neck brace...."Oh my God mom what happened? Are you OK?" First words out of her mouth, "Are you high? Are you on drugs?" "Who me? Whatever are you talking about dearest mother? I would never do such a vile and self destructive thing". Then mom passed out from the morphine cocktail. We never spoke of this verbal exchange for years. Fast forward to my adulthood and we are having a conversation about how she never did drugs. I call bull shit on this due to the fact that she was in her late teens and early twenties during the seventies. To which she replies, "Well, I can't explain it. When I was in that car wreak, and you came up to the hospital to see me. I don't know what they gave me, but I was like on another level, and I could just tell that you were on that level with me."

Mom would have made the best stoner ever. Such a waste that she never did drugs.

 

I have 2 involving my dad's car.
One time I borrowed my dad's car, and when I was driving to a friend's house, i reached for a CD on the floor, and that motion caused me to move the steering wheel to right a little, and I ended up side swiping a telephone pole ( the telephone poles were very close to the street in this part of town.)
It knocked the mirror off, smashed in the doors and a little bit of the fender.
The next day he saw it and wanted to know what happened. I told him that I was in the grocery store, and when I came out, someone must have hit the car in the parking lot. He was very skeptical, since it didn't look like your typical parking lot accident, but he didn't say anything else about it.
Cut ahead a couple of months, and one night I was loading some things into the trunk, so as I was backing up to the house, I accidentally broke one of the tail lights on a low hanging tree branch.
I backed the car into the garage so he wouldn't see it, and left early the next morning to get a replacement lens at a junkyard. I pulled off the whole stunt without him finding out, and I was pretty proud of myself.
Cut ahead two weeks: I spin the car out on a wet road, and go ass-first into a guard rail, destroying both tail lights. I spent $40 for nothing.
Anyway, on focus, that pretty much did it in for the car, and we retired it for parts. I finally told my dad about the telephone pole, and he said he knew it all along because there were still splinters embedded in the paint.
Smooth move, Ex-lax.

 

This is HILARIOUS. Similar situation with me. When I would get high, I would hangout in the living room and chat it up with my parents because I just didn't give a fuck. When I wasn't stoned I would be in my room doing my homework hiding out from them. Later on they accused me of being a stoner and always hiding out in my room when I was high, little did they know it was the other way around.

 

I'm going to say it was most certainly *not* crack. Crack doesn't do that to you. Maybe it was PCP, but not crack.


I'm still in the stage where those incidents that occurred when I was younger have not passed the time barrier for safety. Mainly because if I told them what I was doing then, there is no doubt that the things I do now are worse, and would be very un-funny to them (like how I know that Taste my Rainbow wasn't smoking crack(not that I do smoke crack, but I have before)). Also my parents are Christians, and I've only seen one of them drunk before (my dad), and that was 1 time last year at a wedding. I'm guessing the stories of being 15 and walking to my friends brothers apartment every weeknight to get vodka-smashed will be kinda funny. Or when they caught me passed out on the floor after one of those nights, and I don't remember, but they never said anything. Or when they said my eyes looked funny, and I said it was the light, but I was tripping on mushrooms. Wow, there is plenty, but I don't think I will tell them very many of these things. Then they will think that they wasted their money on sending me to a Private Christian School.

 

Since I tend to stay at my parents' house on some weekends, there are a few things that still aren't safe to tell them. They've heard some of the worst. One time when I was 17, I had the police called on me for throwing salad dressing at a lady on a bike. Recently I told them that we had been driving around throwing food at pedestrians as part of a sport we called "owning" (yes, I was a terrible person, but usually we hit other teenagers and they're just asking for it) for about a year until that incident. They weren't that mad, they just told me I was an asshole.

One thing I'm not going to tell them for a long time, however, is about when I was a junior in high school and I ditched school with this cute freshman girl. First, we went "owning", and then I let her drive my mom's car because she had always wanted to drive a Lexus. Oh, and she had never driven before. She did surprisingly well, until she stopped at a red light a little fast. Some middle-aged lady pulled up beside us, rolled down her window, and said "learn how to fucking drive!" I told her to go fuck herself, and rolled up my window as she started screaming. She started following us, and this evolved into a high speed car chase. We ended up getting away, and later my mom wondered why so much gas was gone. She had just filled up the car the day before.

I'm surprised I never got in trouble for any of the stupid shit I used to do.

 

[quote="Mexicutioner
This is HILARIOUS. Similar situation with me. When I would get high, I would hangout in the living room and chat it up with my parents because I just didn't give a fuck. When I wasn't stoned I would be in my room doing my homework hiding out from them. Later on they accused me of being a stoner and always hiding out in my room when I was high, little did they know it was the other way around.[/quote]

Drugs and alcohol are social lubricants but the NEWS make them into a bogeyman operrating in silence. Under their influence, you must be brooding alone; however, when you are high, you socialize; sober, you retreat and get blamed for the wrong reasons.

 

I always thought I was getting away with looking at my parents porn, despite having nearly been caught a couple times when they would come home from work early. Shit, once I heard the door open right as I hit the sweet spot and had to quickly stand up, eject the tape and turn off the tv, while zipping up, making it look like I was doing something else, AND cumming in my pants all at the same time. Still, I always put shit back exactly how I found it, rewound to the right spots, everything facing the same way, minimal dust disturbance, etc.

Then my Dad and my Step Mom got divorced. When my Dad was telling me about what we were going to do, he smirked and said, "And no, we're not bringing Cherie's porn with us". My jaw dropped for a second, and then we both busted out laughing.

They still don't know how much I drank in highschool, and smoked weed a lot. But I've since been in the Navy, working with the Army, and living around the world for 10+ years. I've written drunken myspace and facebook updates. I've even drunk dialed them on occasion. I'm pretty sure they know I'm an alcoholic at this point.

But I will never, ever tell them about the DUI.

 

This isn't me, but my brother was notorious for drinking in high school. One summer when my parents were away for a weekend, he "borrowed" my mom's Chevy Impala and took it for a spin, partied all night, drove home drunk and crashed her car door into a power line pole. It was like 7:00 am on a Sunday and he was furiously, drunkenly slamming the car door trying to get it shut, enough that my Grandma came walking out the back door to see what the noise was. My brother slipped back inside, into the bathroom, walked up behind my grandma - still drunk as hell - with a toothbrush in his mouth and said, "Good morning! What noise?"

His alibi? He hood the car from my grandma all weekend, slammed his head against a counter and left a bump, then when my parents got home made up some story about how he was filling it with gas and it rolled away, he dove for it but hit his head, and the car hit a piece of concrete. They bought it, and he was free to sneak out at night and go drinking at least a little longer.

That kid has problems.

EDIT: I - on the other hand - never lied to my parents got shafted for it, mostly because of him. Example, I went to a party in high school with some friends, where EVERYONE was getting drunk and stoned, and I stayed sober the entire time. I enjoyed myself, and didn't think it was a big deal so I told them about it. My old man flipped shit on me, accused me of lying, and grounded me for a week or something, mostly on account of the fact that their other son, my dipshit brother, was getting in trouble all the time and lying about it.