"Book an appointment? But you're dead sweetheart."

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...s/youre-dead-cancer-patient-told-2002314.html

Can you imagine the look on this guy's face when he was told he was listed as deceased. Not to mention how crushing it would be since he was a cancer patient.

FOCUS: Share your humorous hospital or clinic stories. What comical or odd injuries have you been admitted for? What odd things have you heard doctors say? What strange things have you heard of or read about?

 

Random Doctor in an emergency care clinic, "Hahaha! Bend over." It was a good hearty laugh, too. I had assumed that the booster shot I was getting for Pneumonia was going into my arm. Long story short, he stabbed me in the right cheek, I jerked and the needle came out. He asked if I wanted the same cheek or the other cheek, and I chose the same cheek.

 

I got circumsized when I was 20, for medical reasons. I remember after I had scheduled the surgery walking down the hall with the urologist on the way to the anesthesiologist when he casually mentioned the day of my surgery was a training day. I stopped right in my tracks at hearing that to make very clear that I did not want some wet behind the ears trainee handling my junk. He laughed and reassured me that it was a training day for disaster procedures and that my surgery would not be affected and there would only be experienced staff involved. I still considered changing my mind about it.

The other thing is that (at least at the time) circumcisions didn't involve going under general anesthesia; they give you a spinal anesthetic which pretty much kills all the feeling from the waist down, but leaves you still conscious. However, I was also told that the spinal, along with some other drugs they give you, leaves you so fucked up that even though you're fully conscious during the procedure you don't remember it afterward, which I don't. So, apparently I was completely conscious the whole time. I really wonder what exactly happened. Did I try to escape when I saw the knife go toward my dick? If there were any female staff present, did I make inappropriate remarks? Did I have second thoughts and plead like a bitch to take the sharp cutting instrument away? I considered asking after it was done but decided against it because not only was it probably better that I didn't know, but also I didn't want to chance that the doctor would fuck with me and make some shit up to horrify me, "Oh, there were women present but you didn't say anything to them, you did however tell one of the guys present that he could hold your dick anytime."

 

Newest: I was on shrooms a while back and that intertwined with the weed and beers really bent me over. I ended up flagging down a cop for help because I thought I was being chased by bunch of gangsters that were trying to pull a Hostel movie on me.

Well shrooms come in waves, and with my fucked up mind I started to think that the cops trying to restrain me were actually the group I was trying to escape from. I was also a blubbering mess; pleading that I still needed to finish school, my parents would be sad, and bribing them with money I didn't have.

I would also try to escape everytime I felt no one touching me or talking to me directly. That led to the officers warning the EMT's to "watch out, he plays possum".

During the ambulance ride, I'm pretty sure I remember hearing:

"He must be on some really strong stuff."
"Damn I wonder where he got that from."
"Let's play some Pink Floyd to really get him going."

And that isn't the shit you want to hear when you think you're being kidnapped by a bunch of people that want to torture/rape/kill you. I needed several hospital staff to keep me restrained while they were running tests on me, and the head security guard had a thick Russian Mobsteresque accent. I ended up biting his arm because the only thing I could move at that point was my head.

A few hours later, the drugs wore off and I apologized profusely to all the staff members in the hospital for having to deal with my bullshit. I also bought the police officers a box of chocolates for keeping me in line and not tazing me. They even thanked me for not bringing them donuts.

Po Po are awesome in my book.

 

"We're losing him."

"Yes, electroshock therapy is still used in some instances."

"Oops, my bad. Sorry about that."

 

I was told I broke my arm when I was in 4th-5th grade. Had a nice big cast one for two days until we went to a proper orthopedic doctor who immediately realized that I was fine and that the retarded ER doctor had mistaken a growth plate for a broken bone. I did get out of a math test though.

 

Once at the hospital I was watching my grandmother wither away and finally couldn't take it anymore so I wandered down the hall and came to a room with some moaning guy inside. He kept saying:

"ohhhhh, I'm in misery..."

I couldn't bring myself to look inside and finally just walked past and he started yelling at me to call a nurse. On the other side of the door I was able to read his chart:

penile bleeding.

I went to back to grandma.

 

I think i was around 6 years old when this happened. I was at the park on the jungle gym with the slide and other toys on it. For some reason i decided to jump off of it off where the slide was, i caught my foot and went face first into the ground below. My parents took me to the hospital, the doctor came and got me to lay down on the table, and before he started to stitch me up he says to me "this is the needle i am going to use to sew up your head" and he is showing me the needle. I am pretty sure this is where i got my intense fear of needles from. Thanks you fucking bastard of a doctor, i hate even seeing needles on tv.

 

When I was around five or six years old I fell off a jungle gym and hit the back of my head and cracked it open. While at the hospital the doctor who was sowing up my head suddenly screamed "I think I see gray matter!" and ran out of the room. One of the nurses took a look and clarified for my parents that it was simply the dead skin that had the gray appearance. Needless to say my parents requested a new doctor that could actually recognize a brain.

 

When I was 15, I had my nutsack ripped open while playing football when I took a leg tackle from one direction, and a cross-body block from the other. Eye-witness accounts say that I completed two backflips and landed a Jean-Claude Van Damme.



I was knocked unconscious and woke up in hospital. I never got to see or hear it but the guys who took me there said the nurse at the front desk gasped and fainted when she'd been told my balls had been ripped open.

I'm quite glad I was unconscious for most of it.

 

I had a benign cyst removed from the back of my neck a few years ago. At the start, he was very professional, telling me what it would entail, the stitches he'd be using, etc.

As I was laying on my side, he pulled the cyst out and said, "Man, this thing really fucking stinks. Smell it." AND WAVED A FUCKING CYST IN MY FACE. I almost punched him in the sack.

 

In my youth me and the buddies were out looking for trouble, and of course, we found it.
We ended up getting a fight with a couple guys, and one of them hit me harder than I've ever been hit before. This fucking guy had about a three step drop on me and nailed me. He must have looked like a Cricketier bowling before he hit me.
Broke my front tooth, and split my upper lip all the way to my nose. 7 stitches.

The thing is. My mom was on duty the night that I came into the hospital. I remember her telling the doc who was sewing me up "make it hurt because I doubt he learned his lesson the first time"

She's a softy alright.

 

When I was 14, I got hit by a car and knocked out. My leg and head were pretty knocked up, and I had a bad concussion. I don't remember the actual accident, but do remember waking up on the road and bits and pieces over the next day or so before I came right.

What I specifically remember is being in the back of the ambulance with the paramedics. One of them noticed I was conscious and asked if I could move me left leg.

I said, "no."

To which he replied, "that's because we strapped it down."

Ass.

 

My sister had a short stint in hospital years ago for a burn on her leg .... from riding a trailbike , with no experience and no brains.

Anyway , on her ward she met a guy that had been in some accident and had to have one of his testicles removed.
Not happy with only having one testicle , the guy undid the stitches and put a metal ball bearing into his nutsack hey presto ... two testicles.

Not for very long though .... the whole thing got badly infected and he was very soon back in hospital.

I can't remember whether they were able to save the remaining testicle or whether he lost the lot.

 

I work in a Neurology hospital part-time and I was training in the one of the wards for the first time when I heard one of the younger doctors claim "oh that's fucking retarded!"

No one else seemed to notice that we're talking around stroke, epilepsy and palsy patients.

 

I've had doctors and nurses say all sorts of stupid shit to me.
A few of my favorites:

Me: Explaining my heart condition to him while having an SVT.
Er Doc: That can't be right, if you had that you'd be dead. OWWWWW!*
The scream was from my grandmother grabbing him by the ear and jerking him out the door while yelling for a new doctor.


Me: I'm having an SVT and I need a 12mg injection of Adenocard.
EMT: Well there's nooooooooo way you could know that.
Me: Hook up the fucking EKG then.
EKG reading shows that I am in fact having an SVT
EMT: Well, how did you know that?
Me: Oh I don't know I've only had 600 or so of them. Can I have my drug now or were you just going to watch me die?

Me: Half unconscious from having an SVT go on for about 90 mins. She's trying to get the snap cap off the pre-measured drug they give me to stop them.
Nurse: Well I just can get this silly cap off. Isn't that always the way?
Me:I certainly hope it isn't always the way. Just give it to me, I'll do it.
Nurse: You aren't allowed to touch it.
Me: Yep, and you can't get it open, and I'm laying here dying. So fucking give it to me or find someone who isn't a tard.


I get so frustrated sometimes because no one in the hospital listens to me. I tell them whats wrong and what they need to do. They don't believe me, and I have to sit for 20 mins, while I'm dying while they figure out whats wrong with me.

 

I had a c-section about 2.5 years ago and after the baby was born there was an intern or med student or whatever finishing me up, while my doctor watched her. My GF was watching as she tried to pull out the placenta by the umbilical cord and SNAP! the umbilical cord broke and the intern said "Oh, oops. oh my god, I'm sorry" and the doctor basically told her to shut up and keep working. Luckily I was a little out of it and didn't hear a think. And I am glad it was a bunch of useless stuff she was yanking on and not anything vital. I always end up with med students.

 

I'm pretty sure I only found it funny because at the time I was high as the sky on morphine, but the phrase 'tearing up to the third hymenal ring' had me in hysterics. The husband was horrified