What the fuck? Fuck in the bathroom on a mattress? So what everytime someone had to piss or crap you moved it? And how big was this bathroom, abnormally large? I call bullshit however if there is any truth to it, I do know how you got the babes over there, they were catches to begin with (much like you and your buddy) that were lured with spectacular offers such as smoking pot (BFD), fucking on floors and a free cab ride to your Love Shack! I wish I hadn't read that. Can I get my 3 minutes back please?
Wait, so, what you're saying is I shouldn't put mattresses on all the floors in my house so I can fuck random groups of paranoid, drugged prostitutes wherever I want in my house?
I thought you did that anyway, you big stud. And another thing, most bathrooms that are in a place with young male roomies are just fucking disgusting. Laying a mattress on the floor to fuck on when half the time your aim is off so there's a layer of sticky piss on it, combined with hairballs, dead mice and aids is beyond disgusting.
So, fucking on the disgusting floor is better than a possibly nice, clean mattress? Women are so strange sometimes.
My buddy's 21st birthday party. His parents threw him a pretty nice party at his house, with all of his friends as well as all of his extended family invited. Having just turned 21 myself, and being able to legally drink around adults, I took full advantage. In retrospect, too much. My buddy's family is mostly firefighters and police officers, and though they love to have a good time they are pretty straight-laced. Being respectful of your surroundings is pretty damn important to these people. So after several drinks, a couple of us wander over to this EZ-UP tent in the backyard that the parents filled with a TV and some video game consoles for the young kids to play so they won't get bored. I'm watching the kids play what I remember was Mario Tennis or something (for SNES!) and noticed one of the characters could fly. And in earshot of the 20 or so adults on the patio I involuntarily blurted out: HOLY SHIT!!! WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS FLYING?!?! To a tent full of 6 year olds. The kids jaws dropped. All conversation on the patio came to an immediate halt. I crept out of the tent and immediately had 20 firefighters & officers staring me down like I was the devil. A little girl started to sob. I tried to offer an apology, but I just ended up looking like a drunken asshole (which I was) and just walked home. Nearly 15 years later those words still haunt me.
I know I already posted something here, but I was reminded of this today and can't stop giggling, so I thought I'd share. I'm on Depo (the birth-control shot), so every three months I go and get the shot. It can be in the arm or butt, and I always get it in the arm even though I guess the usual place is in the butt. A few years ago, I was getting it done with a new doctor and she asks: "Do you get it in the butt?" Since I was in an Ob/gyn's office and all, I assumed she was asking me about my sexual history. I thought that was a really unprofessional way to ask it, but I hemmed and hawed a little and answered: "Um...yeah...like once or twice...." "Ok, but which one do you want it in today, the arm or the butt?" "Oh, you mean the shot?" The look on her face was priceless.
Hmm, let's see. 3rd grade math class where I farted so loud the teacher stopped talking? You can imagine how long 3rd graders let that live. I moved before that became unfunny. I fell asleep in the fetal position on the floor of a fairly serious class in college, and woke up with my professor standing over me about to kick me. Words couldn't explain what motivated me to do this except a day's worth of alcohol and no sleep. First day of class in a new high school and I fall asleep during math with one of my cheeks saturated in slobber to the point of becoming 'pruny', with a matching calculator pad imprint on my forehead. Check. 7th grade anatomy where I ask a question in front of the whole class about the vagina, and pronounce it vay-jean-na. This also doesn't ever become unfunny. Turning on the lights to the computer room to find your brother butt naked staring at porn, giving you these innocent 'please don't judge me' eyes. Then the exact opposite happening 2 weeks later. Masturbation rules fully applied here - never mentioned ever again. Putting the condom on backwards the first time I had sex, which led me to blowing my load inside a broken condom. This in turn led me to calling my father (doctor) because I couldn't find out how to get Plan B. I talk to my dad once a year. "So you have a lady friend now, eh? How long have you been seeing her?" Double awkward - repeating it the second time I had sex.
carrymehome Excuse me, but I remember the story quite a bit differently! I don't even dance...........
My Crim Law Prof is explaining to us how under the model penal code killing a fetus isn't considered murder because the code doesn't recognize fetuses as being human. He then asks the class for their opinions. Imagine a class of 50 1L's looking at each other nervously trying to see if anyone has the balls to give an opinion on this topic.
Hotwheelz, this story would have been 500% funnier if you had replied to the kid with, "This is what happens if you poop too much" or "I touched myself in my no-no spot, and God did this to me." I'm disappointed in your lack of creativity and/or desire to cause emotional and mental trauma in strangers.
I'm hard-pressed to think of a personal awkward moment that could top the one my mom just related to me. When she first got married at 16, my dad left her in Iran while he went to America to get their house set up. She was supposed to stay with her mother-in-law for a week before she joined him, and as luck would have it, that was the week of her period. Apparently the mother-in-law was absolutely archaic about the subject, and my mom was worried she would make her leave the house for being 'unclean.' So she did what any 16-year-old would do (her words, I was not convinced), and she put all her used pads in a trash bag and hid it in one of her suitcases. Problem solved. Before she left for America, she decided to go out shopping. When she returned, she was surprised to see her father in the living room with her mother-in-law. Even more surprising? The mother-in-law had decided to snoop in my mom's things and came across the trash bag. When she discovered the contents, she immediately invited my mom's father over and DUMPED THEM OUT in front of him. So the scene my mom returns to is her father and mother-in-law sitting around the evidence of a week's worth of period. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe an experience like that. I guess the mother-in-law's intent was to prove how 'unclean' my mother was, but all she succeeded in was making my poor grandfather sick and embarrassed, and my mother mortified.
When I was 16, I was "friends" with a girl that lived about 5 minutes walking distance from me. By "friends" I mean I wanted to be more, but wasn't very good at doing anything about it. We used to hang at this park near our houses after school. One particular day we were sitting on the swings. For some unknown reason, I decided that putting my hands in my pockets was a good idea. So my hands/wrists go around the chains that are linked to the top of the swings, and it's a pretty tight fit with my hands inside my pockets. Anyway so I'm chatting away to my lady friend, when I overbalance backwards and fall off the swing. Problem is, I don't completely fall off, as my hands being in my pockets around the swing chains keeps me stuck. I can't get my hands out of my pockets as it hurts to move them now, and the chains dig pretty hard into my wrists. Because I've fallen backwards, my ass is facing completely upwards into the air, but unfortunately, and more importantly, so are my balls outlined against my shorts. All of this happened in the space of about 5 seconds. After copping a faceful of my ass and balls, my ladyfriend decides that helping me out of my situation is not the best idea, but instead decides to just bail on the situation. She literally runs away from the park and just leaves me there. I finally got out of it about 2 minutes later.
The bathroom was just big enough to fit the mattress. Do you people think I told her to "come over and fuck in the bathroom of my friend's crack house - oh and we might have some weed!"? Obviously not, because that's just setting yourself up for failure .. I told the girl over the phone that we were throwing a party and she should bring as many female friends over as she could and that the taxi would be paid for. If all you've got to offer is some pot, a stained mattress on the bathroom floor and a few shots of vodka, don't tell in advance .. it's not wise to lay your cards on the table until the very last moment when you usher your date into the said bathroom and let the mattress and the tent you're pitching do the speaking for you.
Ah yes, the ol' "we're goin' on a camping trip, baby!", scam. Always works. Pure gold that one. FOCUS: I was taking out the garbage once, wearing a raggedy old pair of shorts I made out of a pair of sweatpants years ago. The waistband was shot to hell and they didn't fit all that well, oftentimes dropping to the floor when I walked around the house. So, I head outside with two bags of garbage, one in each hand and head to the bin which is in the alley behind my ridiculously large yard. I'm halfway there when a woman turns the corner while walking her dog, heading in my direction. Now at this point I'm a swingin' bachelor and in pretty good shape at this time of my life, and although I was carrying two bags of garbage that smelled like someone took a shit and then took a shit on top of that shit, I reckon this is a great time to exercise my moves. So, I approach, smile, and then my shorts drop to the ground so quickly that I trip and fall, faceplanting and scratching up my nuts on the pavement below. And the rest, as they say, is history.