Ask a Pervert

I remember you going to Bangkok and getting your picture drawn by one of the girls. I’ve been there multiple times, for both business and just to have fun and see other Asian countries. Every time I went to Patpong, I never saw any BDSM. The same goes for Kings Cross, Amsterdam, etc.

Why do you think the “life-style” is so hidden? In the US it is more open and easy to find via the Internet, but much more difficult to uncover in other countries, save for the UK. ALT.com and others do not really help. How do you find places to play outside of your inner circle where you live?

 

If you are dating someone you met under normal circumstances (as opposed to meeting them through the fetish community), is there generally a right and wrong way to bring up your weird perversions/suggest an experiment/ask if you can tie her up/have her poop on you?

 

Do you still use drugs?

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer....

Have you ever been caught red handed in the act by church groups or some sort of PETA group against the kind of sex you do? Any questioning or berating on their part?

 

So yeah, I'm guessing PETA wouldn't give a shit.

 

Do you find most people are generally open about their identity and who they are, or are most in the community really secretive?

 

Can you elaborate on that? How exactly does that work? Don't worry - I have no intention of trying this at home. I've always been just a little uncomfortable around fire, so the thought of being vountarily burned simply does not compute.

(Edited for clarity.)

 

I know that you're not an expert but just asking for an educated "guess". Based on your experiences do you think that there are just not that many people with kinks as extreme as yours or do you think that because of the stigma society places on some of the things you are into many people just ignore the desire inside themselves to experiment.

 

When you go to these nights where play is happening, what are the big taboos that could get you thrown out? Have you seen any interesting evictions?

Also who are the most annoying people on the scene for you?

Thanks for doing this again, by the way. This has always been one of my favorite threads.

 

1) I'm lame, I didn't get online at all yesterday. I'm answering questions now and will post them shortly.
2) Nikki got through answering a bunch of shit and her laptop cracked the shits and she lost her post. When she gets over the urge to kick said laptop out the window - she'll answer stuff again.

 

I don't think this has been answered yet. What would stop someone from pressing charges against you or any other dominatrix for assault? What if something did go wrong in the process of "pleasuring" them and they were seriously injured, could they or have they ever pressed charges? Are people required to sign something saying they know what acts they are about to be a part of and that they come with risks?

Also, thank you for this. It is not something I have any interest partaking in but it does help open my mind to these types of things in general(much like the escort thread).

 

The freak out generally occurs when someone who's interested comes along to their first event and gets really unlucky and plays with a cock juggler/miscellaneous fuckwit. A good dominant plays to the level of the person that they're playing with and eases newbies in. Some Dominants find out that they're turned on but can't reconcile their hangups about what they're doing being 'wrong' with the fact that their partner consents - but that's less common.

Gentle introductions are all about communication and patience. With new people in particular - anybody who's not a moron does a lot of talking and a lot of negotiation before doing anything. How do you feel about this? What do you think of that? Would this be ok? What about that? And you spend a lot of time watching body language as well as gauging verbal reactions to figure out where somebodies interests are and how to do things that they'll enjoy. Then start slow and work up to the scary stuff. The whole process is very different to each individual. I've seen people get sissy gentle floggings and lose interest because they wanted it to fucking hurt goddamn. I also know of people beating someone bloody with a suede flogger on their first play session - which is incredible stupidity on so very, very many levels.

We're still waiting for the midget to arrive. Cameroon to Australia postage takes fucking forever.

That's kind of like asking how much of the enjoyment during a blowjob comes from the lips and how much from the tongue, in that it's hard to seperate the two sometimes and one without the other can still be pretty fucking pleasurable. At it's root - my fetish is control oriented. All my kinks stem from the sexualization of control. I think I'd have a very hard time enjoying anything sexual without some kind of power exchange dynamic. But I'm also a sadist. I really fucking like hurting people and I especially like it when they enjoy it.

That said, a while ago, I was beating a friends play partner. She wanted him to experience some things that I'm better at doing then she is - so I was beating him while he leaned against the wall. Physically - the guy is attractive and he's an entertaining guy socially. While I was beating him - he'd chat to people walking past and casually reach down and pick up his drink. At one point he turned around and said 'I'm gonna grab a smoke, back in a minute' - my already fading interest level went through the floor and I wandered off to find something more engaging to do.

The percieved control and the trust reliance stuff is all very sexy - when somebody defines a sandbox of limits and things they can't/won't do and lets me play with whatever I want within that sandbox - the control is a turn on. Their bodies and their reactions are a turn on. Especially if it's just them trusting me to stay within the sandbox and there's nothing physically compelling me to do so. If it's somebody who's clearly just interested in knowing what it feels like to be hit who's breaking the agreed rules of the fantasy and the implication that I'm in control - well, that's not fun. It's just a chore.

The biggest sterotype is that as soon as you walk into the club, a big hairy man will jump on you and sodomize you against your will. Reality is, you actually have to ask quite nicely for that sort of thing to happen. I've had a friend who's been interested in coming along for years - but is terrified that a big hairy man will molest him as soon as he walks through the door. He's been signing up and backing out for so long that I've actually arranged for a friend of mine who fits his phobia to put the hard word on him the second he walks through the door if he ever does show up. Nobody will actually molest him - but I reaction to be fucking priceless.

* Communicate - Discuss shit to death. As you get more experience you can talk less and make some assumptions more safely. But in the beggining - talk, talk more and then talk some more. Discuss fantasies, ideals, limits, concerns, fears, safe ways to end things and if you need to code phrases to let you communicate freely during the fantasy.
* Relax - chances are the kinky shit you're thinking about doesn't mean you're ill or sick or that anything is wrong with you. I talk about psycho-sexual pathologies sometimes - but reality is - 99.99999% of people who get off on rough/kinky/otherwise unconventional sex are a little eccentric, but have no mental health issues relating to their sexuality.
* Be Honest - With yourself and with your partner. Know just how much you crave or need what you crave or need and be able to assess how important realizing those things is to you. Don't trap yourself in something that's not fulfulling if you need to escape it. And don't hide your shit from the people you're intimate with. Nothing will ruin the experience faster then going into it with false expectations or false beliefs. If the person you love can't at least hear about your sexuality without losing their shit - how much do they really love you?

I'm sure some people into age-regression had shitty childhoods. But equally - some of those people had fucking awesome childhoods and they just enjoy going back to that state. The fact that they have a child like joy and the comfort of a parents love and protection - and a fun sex life just expands the enjoyment of the whole experience. I agree that the kink probably has something to do with childhood experiences. But I'm also positive that their are lots of people out there who age regress who had awesome childhoods who thrive on the ability to go back to that mental space.

<a class="postlink" href="http://www.Fetlife.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">www.Fetlife.com</a> is fucking awesome. It's got a great international audience and it's very, very heavily adopted by perverts and it's free and full of great information. I really can't pimp the site hard enough.

If you didn't see BDSM in Kings Cross - you were either the wrong night or not looking very hard. I've been propositioned by pimps to go see a dominatrix while walking through kings cross, eating a kebab. Amsterdam - it's cheaper to find a hooker who'll let you piss on her then pay the fine for pissing in the gutter. Patpong has a thriving sex slavery industry that's really, really unwholesome and icky if you look deep enough - but it's mostly patronized by local men. The sex circuses are much more aimed at tourists and white people and it's sanitized by the local law enforcement to make sure that white people keep coming and spending their money in Thailand. There is a consensual scene in Thailand - although it's mostly made up of foriegners and their thai girlfriends with a few rare exceptions. It's just culturally viewed a bit differently in Thailand as either a more private thing, or the sort of thing where you stop fucking around with consenting girlfriends and buy yourself a bitch.

Amsterdam and Both Kings Cross Sydney and Kings Cross London have exposure to the local consensual scenes - but in any red-light district - theres competition between the people who do that shit for a living and people who do it for kicks. A lot of times the public scene where enthusiasts go and do shit to each other for free stays out of the red glow of the sex services districts - or at least off the main streets, so they don't step on the toes of the business people. The Pro's often come to the enthusiast parties as well and are friends with party organisers. They don't want to cost each other business by competing in the same geographical space unnecessarily. But Fetlife.com is a great way to find the local scene in any decent city.

This is a difficult question for me to answer. The last time I dated someone for more then 1 night who wasn't from the scene was 7 years ago or something. My observation from friends going through the process is that being open, honest and as pressure free as possible in your approach is best. It also depends on your kinks. It's alot easier to raise the possibility of someone tying your hands to the bed then to raise the possibility of you pooping on them. Nikki might have some better feedback on this then me - I've always made a point of forming relationships with other perverts and where possible - knowing, or at least having the sense that my partners would be into the shit I was suggesting before I brought it up.

Define use drugs I guess. I'm on prescription medication. I have prescribed uppers and downers that I have used because they're fun as well as because I really, really need them. I'll take prescription pain killers before having body modifications done. I'm on a random screening policy at the moment - so I'm not doing anything non prescribed at the moment. But were I not, I'd probably still smoke the occasional cone or take the occasional trip. I'm certainly not a heavy/regular/compulsive user like I was when I did the fuck out of drugs. But I wouldn't really say I'm 'clean' either.

Anybody who's peeking through my windows, visiting sex clubs or trawling online fetish sites could find my shit and get in my grill about it if they wanted to. But very few churches object to any of the venues I go to. My house has curtains and if you're trawling websites looking to be offended - I'm much less offensive then some of the shit out there. So basically no

I have heard of PETA protesting the amount of Leather worn at Leather pride festivals in other places. Not something I've witnessed first hand though.

Sex workers, Artists, Body piercers or tattoo artists in particular are usually pretty open. Anybody who's business/livelihood isn't going to get a negative impact by being 'out' is usually cool. People who work for the government in any kind of public service or with kids tend to be pretty private about who knows the details of their vanilla life outside of the parties.

Fireplay is what's called sensation play more then pain play. And a lot of what happens is about fucking with someone's mind rather then actually hurting them. You can stick your fingers in a bucket of 70% isopropyl alcohol, wave your hand over a fire and you've got an easy 3 or 4 count before you start to feel the heat. You can light a good squirt from can of hair spray mousse (if it's the right sort) and hold it in your flat palm until it goes out without feeling anything but a bit of warmth. You can wave your hand (or something else) over a flame and not get burned. But it's scary as fuck and you can get some pretty intense sensations as you slow things down. If you get anything worse then a sunburn out of fireplay then you're probably doing it wrong (or at least in a very different way to most people who are into it) - I brand people for fun occasionally as well - and with that it hurts - and you have to like controlled burns and the art outcome for it to be a good time. If being burned voluntarily simply does not compute - brandings may not be for you.

I assume you're talking about people in general rather then the sub section of people who are into the kink scene. I think that fetishes are 'unusual' in that not that many people (statistically speaking) have something that they need in order to get off. Kinks, quirks or oddities sexually - I think most people have those somewhere. I think it's just that for most people - they're aimed in different directions. They like pubes, they don't like pubes, the smell of someone's sweat during the sex is a turn on, silk sheets or fire light or something is thrown in to make the sex fulfilling. It's still a kink - it's just a kink that cleo, hollywood and advertising execs at valentines day card companies have told is ok.

The control and pain based kinks that I have are a little more unusual and a little more specialised - but I think most people have some kind of control kinks. I think most people enjoy being on the top or being on the bottom. Being held down or holding someone down. Covering someone's eyes or having their eyes covered. Teasing or being teased. The difference between zip-tie cuffing someone's feet together so you can tickle their feet while you pull their hair, and a tickle fight that turns into fucking is pretty minor. It's just about the accessories and the pre-negotiated dynamic.

Almost all relationships have a power exchange. A person in the relationship who is dominant in some areas. Limits placed on the relationship by one or both of the partners. In a BDSM dynamic - those limits are constant and negotiated. Everyone involved knows the state of play and knows what is and what isn't ok with who. It's outright spoken that these things are ok and these things are not and this is who decides what position we're going to fuck in. In a vanilla relationship - that stuff is all present. But it's implicit. It's not negotiated it's just how the cards fall as the relationship plays out. And it's really hard for the people in the relationship to discuss or negotiate how those things are going to change or if they're going to change. In a BDSM relationship - there's a shared language for talking about those topics and while they may not be changable in the relationship once it's established - everyone knows what's going on from the beginning and has that framework of shared language to talk about how they're going to change those dynamics if they need to change.

A chick punched her ex in the face in a club I was at once and because I was friends with them both and she was an intimidating chick, I was the one who got to break it up. That got her tossed from the venue. It's hypocritical - but if she was a guy, she'd probably have had her teeth kicked in in the car park for pulling that shit. It depends a bit on the liquor licensing conditions - but at the places where most people I know play - unconsensual violence or touching are the most common taboo's - and not taking no for an answer, or making assumptions about what is and isn't ok with someone you don't know, will get you thrown right the fuck out, very quickly. Apart from that, I imagine if somebody showed up with a live sheep and a bottle of lube - we'd probably ask them to leave and call the SPCA. Anyone under 18 or anyone who knows that someone is under 18 and doesn't have them removed will also be asked to GTFO. Even if it's technically legal in some circumstances - nobody wants to see the headline story on some tabloid '17 year old attends sex party' with a picture of the venue and their car parked out front.

Anybody who's insistent on 'one true way' or 'real dominants' or 'the slave hearted' annoys me - there's a lot of people who are very big into the idea that there's only one right way to do things and that that's their way. They think all women are slaves or that only women with 'Slave Hearts' are 'true submissives' or 'true slaves' - Mostly those tools don't venture terribly far away from the internet - and it's just another way of saying 'I'm better then you, as are my friends, because of some arbitrary crap that happesn to exalt me and diminish you' - which is bullshit.

I also get the shits with people who lose track of the line between real life, real people and real relationships - and the game of pretendsies that they like to play before they fuck. Those people are almost always annoying or hypocritical and usually kind of thick. They also usually have abrasive personal manners - because they lose track of the fact that they aren't infact inhumanly strong and fantastic fighting machines, or insanely rich and cunning, or Warriors from another planet where all women are slaves. I know a guy who likes to pretend that he's a dinosaur while he has sex. He's a cool guy - his kink is a little out there - but he knows that it's pretending for sexy time and not real and he doesn't try to interact socially, like he's a fucking steggosauras among mere humans. When somebody tries to interact with me like they're a werewolf who got to be in charge of the pack by being the biggest badass in town - I just want to kick the little poseur's teeth in.

That said, I generally just avoid those people. As long as they don't get into my space and spout their shit at me or my friends - fuck it - it's their kink and if they're having a good time despite my giggles while I notice their crap? Whatever.

 

There is a risk on the part of the Top or the 'Doer' that the bottom or recipient will be injured and that the judge will find that you had a duty of care that you failed to uphold and that you are subject to liability. There's not exactly a lot of test cases out there about how that case will go. There's case history for somebody dying while in a BDSM situation and case history for rape and rape allegations where consent to the BDSM activities was a defense. Personally I've provided expert testimony as a computer geek regarding the recovery and verification of chat logs where a scene was discussed and negotiated when the chick in question later cried rape.

I helped a friend who'd done some dumb shit with the girl in question recover evidence from his and her computer to support his claim that the bitch was crazy and they'd negotiated the whole thing in advance then gave evidence about the whole thing. Fortunately the bitch was crazy, couldn't keep her story straight, and had filed rape charges against like 8 other guys, all of which turned out to be false claims. Had she just gone with an 'I withdrew consent when he became rougher then negotiated' - my friend would in all likelihood still be in jail.

The trust dynamic that your partner won't sue if an accident happens, and that your partner is skilled enough to not kill you in an accident is a big part of a bdsm relationship and is why you need to be a good judge of people and trust the people you play with.

If a girl calls the cops, with a bedside bin full of ducttape and your used condoms, bruises and bite marks matching your hands and teeth and evidence of having just been roughly fucked, and her neighbours heard loud sex and her screaming 'No, No, Please Stop!' and tells the cops that it was a rape - have fun explaining to the judge that she didn't say 'Lamp Shade' to actually withdraw consent.

See the Ask an Escort thread a bit dude. Hooking is hard on the body, hard on your relationships and hard on your self esteem. The pro domme thing is much more mellow, while still paying pretty similar money if you're getting the work. And cops are much less likely to give you a hard time if you don't fuck for money somewhere that prostitution is illegal.

There are certainly dominatrix's who fuck as part of the scene. Especially if they're enthusiasts and not just doing it to pay the bills. If they're a pay to play dominant - they usually charge extra and like girls who do anal having cock size thresholds, the girls out there who will fuck submissive clients usually have requirements about if it's an option no matter how much money is on the table.

There's certainly no taboo on having a sexual relationship with your dominatrix. Well no more then there is from just having a dominatrix. Lots of guys get off on the denial of sex as well. There is a lot of fetishism around wearing chastity devices and having your mistress keep the key. There are lots of guys who love the idea that the woman who's beating them is fucking other guys but not fucking them. But the majority of women who are dominant in a relationship with a submissive man, do fuck the guy.

 

What's your safety word?

Have you witnessed a bukake?

 

I use 'Red' on the odd occasion that I want someone to know that if they don't stop whatever they're doing I'm going to be very pissed off. But I don't really play in situations where I'd need a safety word.

Most commonly people use traffic light colors as safety words 'Green' being another way of saying 'You hit like a girl' or 'Bored now, speed things up', 'Orange' or 'Amber' or 'Yellow' being 'That thing you're doing right now? Please do something else' and 'Red' for 'I'm done now, stop it and let me down'.

Nikki uses those safe words sometimes but 'Hit me with that thing one more fucking time and I'll jam it sideways up your fucking ass' is also one of her safe words.

Ideally as a Dominant - unless you're in the mood to push someone until they give in and Red out - the object of the exercise is to avoid having your submissive need to use those words. I prefer to be able to read enough body language and the other non verbal cues to know when someone's in their happy endorphin high and keep them there for as long as i can without pushing them past that point. That's my personal benchmark for 'I'm Awesome'. If I'm in the mood to just hurt someone until they give in or be a bastard, or if I get caught up in the endorphin high myself - I lose track of that goal and push harder or try for a different response.

I have seen a girl with a bunch of guys cum on her face. Not the 50 guys style San Fernando 'Calling all Hobos' deal - but I've been to swingers parties where some girl wanted a bunch of cum on her face and most people playing were happy to oblige. Not really my thing though.

 

Must've smelled like a field of roses, that room.

 

What does this sentence mean? Like a double fisting with a "put 'er there buddy" handshake inside? I wouldn't think that was possible.

 

It involved another couple and two ducks...
No, really, I actually do not know how to answer that. I know it is "Ask a pervert" but when it's personal experience, it is hard to qualify what someone else would view as "most perverted"- to me it is normal. Half the things I've done, maybe more, might be otu there for you- but I have no idea which stuff.

I don't understand Plushies. I get that really good quality fur or fake fur feels wonderfully tactile- but I don't get the bigger picture, or understand how people move from "oh that feels cool" to sexual gratification from yiffing (Getting off/fucking whilst in fursuits). I can even sort of understand furries- people who play act at being an animal- we have a "puppy" of our own and it's fun to play humiliation games with him. It's the combining that with the act of sex that just trips my WFT? meter.

Scootah also mentioned my mate, the custard guy. That one boggles me too. He's a lovely person, and I know him well. But I'm just not mentally equipped to view the addition of a bucket of custard as the ultimate aphrodisiac to a sex act.

Kids (our full time submissive is 20- one year younger then the kid I raised- and I cannot see him sexually at all), Animals, Scat, Vomit, amputation. Those are hard limits, and not negotiable. There are many things which hold not particular interest to me at this time, but not necessarily things which I would absolutely rule out of play if circumstances led to it. Watersports does nothing whatsoever for me, but if someone I was with desperately wanted me to give it a go, I might (for example).

Scootah and I have no kids, and will not be having kids- I cannot have my own, and I am past the age to get on adoption wait lists.I did raise a niece of mine from a former marriage- she is now 21 and knows of my interests- but not until she was an adult, and still knows only basics.

We know people who's children know way to much of their interests, and frankly do our best to keep them as distant acquaintances, not good friends. I try not to judge how people chose to raise their children- but I also do not have to participate in what I consider potentially damaging.

I don't hide it. My father and I have had frank discussions of my interests following him seeing some serious marks on me once. I have numeroud family members on my facebook friends list, and my facebook is not censored- photos, events, etc all get posted there. So I assume most of them know!

Scootah's parents know. His mom adores our submissive, and takes advantage of his compliance when she visits by having him fetch her tea, clean her car, etc. His father is involved with the local fetish scene, and while we rarely interact at events, he (Scootah's father) and I often share ideas on techniques and new toys.

 

There are random arseholes in every social group, and S&Mers are no exception. The community does tend to look out for it's own though, and random wankers are rarely a danger, as their game is figured out early on and they are either shown the door, or simply ignored. So they either fade away and stop coming to events or they smarten up and learn to behave in a way that gets them good attention.

A few years ago we have a local who would without invitation approach people (most complete strangers to him) and bite them on the neck. He got a few slaps, kicks and punches, along with a couple of lectures at various events until he was simply barred form attending. Eventually, he found a well known local player willing to vouch for his newly reformed self and began attending events again, and to my knowledge has been incident free now for about a year.

I was working in Canada for a queer newsmag and was sent to Vancouver to cover a week long sexuality conference, which included many presentations and workshops of a BDSM nature. that piqued my interest. About a month after I went home I attended my first event not as a reporter, though I was a complete wallflower and did not take part in anything. About a year later, I moved to London, UK, and threw myself headlong into the fetish scene there- though I think I did it wrong- my first event there was one I organized, and had about 70 people in attendance.

It's not hard as a female- especially one who is willing to both bottom and top- to find help exploring. It's much harder for men to break in and find people wiling to help them along the learning curve. I've been admittedly spoiled for choice, and have never had a problem meeting people- friends and partners- who shared some of my kinks. I imagine it was much harder before the internet, though.

I like body mods as a general rule- I like things that are unusual, off kilter in some fashion. Fun/interesting to look at!I have a couple of tattoos and a couple of current piercings- I've had somewhere over 20 piercings in total, and will do more)But I think it is highly likely that people that carry things as far as the two in these examples are possibly a little fuct in the head and they aren't people I would likely become involved with, merely because while interesting to look at, their possibly issues would make them too much effort to maintain a relationship with.