Situational: Vagina Monologue Intermission Her: So, are you into poetry? Me: Yeah, I dabble a bit. Her: Do you have any original works? Me: Well (takes a deep swill of my Cosmo), I don't know. Her: Awwwe, pleeeeezeeeee. Me: Natty, Natty, puffin' fatties how does your love life go? I'll lay you down, on the bed, and take it nice and slow. Never been a pimp of sorts, 'n never mind them rapist reports Because I'll spread that ass and munch on your genital warts. I know I am your Mr. Right, but first I must I admit I've gotta knock at all your teeth before my dick can fit. And you my love?
Pick a card, any card. or (Order shot, throw pill in mouth) Oh that's just my Valtrex, I think I'm having an outbreak.
Alt-focus: Stories about your own anti-pickup lines. Some friends and I have used the "Hey girl, can I get yo BBM pin number?" or "Wanna hop in my car and get weird?" I need a new approach.
"Hey, I only have one minute but [false time constraint], me and my buddy [social proof] were having an argument, who lies more, boys or girls? [opener]"
I usually go with the "stare at your target while biting your lower lip and making hip-thrusts" approach. Or "Hey, I only have a couple of hours until the cops run me down [false time constraint], but me and my buddy from the penitentiary [social proof] were wondering if you wanted to smoke some crack in the alley behind the bar? [opener]"
Cupid called, he wants chubby back. Would you prefer your eggs fertilized or sold on the black market? Did you wash your pants in windex? Because it looks like you're really bad at maintaining your wardrobe. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U T I together. Your dad must have been a baker, because you don't seem like you came from highly educated parents. If you were a Sex and a City character, which of the ugly ones would you be? My penis died, and I think you're responsible. When I look at you I get a tingling in my balls...I think my sperm just committed hara kiri. Are you Jamaican? Because you look like you have typhoid. At first I thought drinking would make you more attractive, but now I'm just annoyed that there's two of you. Hey guys, [disqualifier] I only have a moment [false time constraint] before I have to get back to my friends [social proof], but I was wondering if your prettier friends [neg] were living in the present without judgment [What would Eckhart Tolle think about this opener?] Actual line I've used: I think you have really pretty hair. I'd like to shave your head and make a wig.
My friends friend is a fat chick and asked if I wanted to have a threesome with her and someone else. All I could say was one simple word "PASS". This is more of an asshole move instead of an anti pickup line though huh? Oh well.
What's the difference between a blowjob and a cornedbeef sandwhich? --One you can't take home with you....