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Anti-pickup lines

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Harry Coolahan, Aug 9, 2010.

  1. Harry Coolahan

    Harry Coolahan
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    Read these on reddit today and thought they were pretty funny:

    Are your legs tired? Because you're really fat.

    Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because your face is really messed up.

    Focus: Think of anti-pickup lines. Be funny.


    I have a (probably self-destructive) habit of intentionally ruining good moments with women by saying something inappropriate or awkward. For some reason I find it hilarious to dead-pan a line that totally kills the mood, even funnier if I inadvertently cock-block myself. A recent example:

    (During sex)
    Her: Mmm... this position feels really good.
    Me: It's also a really good stretch for your IT band.
    Her: ...

    Alt-focus: Stories about your own anti-pickup lines.
     
  2. Supertramp

    Supertramp
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    I stole my favorite one from a thread of the same topic on RMMB. It went something like:

    "Excuse me, I don't know if you can tell just by looking at me but I can run really really fast."

    Other ones I've done

    "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put m-e i-n b-e-d w-i-t-h y-o-u."

    "Fat penguin." The girl would probably assume that you'd follow up with a cute line like "Oh I just wanted to break the ice." Not me. I followed it up with "You reminded me of one, it was really cute though... like in Happy Feet. What's up?"

    After smiling at a girl and walking up to her "I prevented a rape last night." then you interrupt her quizzical look and say "I changed my mind."

    "Hey, have I seen you before? No? Are you sure? Really? Absolutely certain? etc." [This is the most annoying thing in the world to a catty clubrat, do it today to great results!]

    "I listened to Creep and masturbated, how was your day?"
     
  3. Judas

    Judas
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    Hahaha. I look forward to trying this out sometime.

    I think my hands down favorite anti-pickup line has to be the "Enemy line".

    "Hey babe, what do you say to going back to my place and play army. I can be the enemy and you can blow me up."
     
  4. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

    "I hope you're not a good runner. I don't like to have to chase my girls too far."
     
  5. pterodactyl

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    "fuck me or go missing"

    "lets not turn this rape into a murder"
     
  6. Solaris

    Solaris
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    "You'll do."
     
  7. Roxanne

    Roxanne
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    Walk up to the girl, pluck the drink out of her hand and down it. Then look at her and say,

    "I'm cutting you off so you can drive me home later."

    Making hip-thrusting motions while saying this will guarantee you get laid. Or punched in the face. But it's all basically the same thing, right?
     
  8. Misanthropic

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    National Lampoon had a great article on this once. A few of their gems:

    "What's a nice girl like you doing blowing goats for a living?"

    "Are those breasts or pillows?"

    "In a way, Dr. McCoy was the most fascinating member of the Star Trek crew."

    "Boy, if I had a nickel for every minute I've spent in prison . . . ."



    I have my own go-to anti-pickup line as well. There are almost always a group of girls out in any given club/bar that are celebrating a birthday, and the birthday girl is typically loud and obnoxious. So I offer my own birthday greeting, based on their age:

    "I heard you just turned 21. Happy Birthday! Statistically speaking, your life is now a quarter of the way over."

    Chicks in their thirties just love hearing that their lives are a third of the way over.
     
  9. shegirl

    shegirl
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    Good but you could just tell them you chew your toenails. That'd work too.
     
  10. LM225

    LM225
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    You: Do you know why we're going to have sex tonight?
    Her: Why?
    You: Because I'm stronger than you.
     
  11. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
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    A two step anti pick-up:

    1. Work up a real stiff erection.
    2. Say anything.
     
  12. Jack of Spades

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    "So my friend just bet me that I couldn't pick up the hottest girl at the bar. It looks like she just left for the bathroom, though, so we can talk until she gets back."

    "Is it hot in here, or is it just you? Because you're sweating like a pig."
     
  13. toejam

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    I think I picked this up from an old coworker. I've always liked it.

    "Hey, were your parents retarded? Because you sure look special to me."
     
  14. Blue Dog

    Blue Dog
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    My brother did one of these in Miami for the Superbowl:

    He went up to a group of girls and asked them is they would like an "Ocean Spray" shot. One of them was all for it, so he proceeded to order one shot of blue curacao and one shot of tap water.

    He looked at her and said, "Here is the ocean!", and took the shot of curacao. Then he said, "Here is the spray!", and threw the shot of water into the girl's face.

    We thought it was funny. They did not.


    This is also the same brother who pretended to cry while sitting at the bar by some girls, and when one of them asked if he was ok, he threw his hands up in the hair and yelled, "I SPILLED THA MILK!!!".
     
  15. Luke 217

    Luke 217
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    Just a couple I thought of in the last 15 minutes:



    Do you wanna get out of here and go back to my compound?

    Your skin is so supple. Plus it has that unique sheen of peanut butter circus oil.

    Are you drunk enough to fuck me yet? Because I'm shithoused.

    You're wonderful dancer. Nice body too. Not as nice as my sister, but you know, I've already crossed that off my checklist.

    Wow! You've got a mouth like a longshoreman. And the shoulders too!

    You must be the prettiest girl that was ever rescued from Planned Parenthood.

    You didn't bring a condom? I guess it runs in the family.

    What turns me on? You being handcuffed to a radiator for three days.

    Wanna go halfsies on an abortion?

    How do you want your eggs in the morning? Scrambled, Fertilized, or kicked down the fucking stairs?

    Whatever bitch. What I lack in size, I make up for in speed.

    I nicknamed my penis Tuna Can. Short and fat. Kinda like you.

    I'm like Milk, I'll do your body good. Except you've turned me queer.

    I like your dress. Can I try it on after we have sex?

    You remind me of a record fish. I don't know whether to mount you, eat you, or flay you.

    Its gonna be a good night. The hospital is giving out free rape kits!

    You talk a lot. But that's why ball gags were invented.
     
  16. Rob4Broncos

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    From my new favorite show, Archer:

    Archer: "You have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing."
    Crossdresser: "Well I find your drunkenness very unappealing."
    Archer: "I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you."
     
  17. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    "I just had to come talk to you, you remind me so much of my sister it's uncanny. What're you doing later?"

    "Would you like to take a free personality test?"

    "Do you want to meet my dog? I have him out in the car. I'm kinda bummed because he died last week though."
     
  18. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    Cock rings are a huge help for long sessions in the bar.
     
  19. Viking33

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    "Are you an athlete?"
    "What? Why?"
    "Because you've been running through my mind all night... Screaming."
     
  20. Prefontaine

    Prefontaine
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    So do you fuck, suck and take it up the ass or am I wasting my time on a Jesus freak?

    Do you wanna fuck (reaction)...ing drink?

    My dick died tonight. Can I bury it in your ass?