Next Saturday a good friend of mine will be having her stagette. Considering that I've never been to a bachelorette party before, and I'll have just finished my last exams of the semester, I expect it to be a pretty unforgettable evening. I should probably also mention that at the last few parties the 'bride-to-be' and I attended, we ended up making out(in case you were wondering, I'm a chick). It seems neither her husband-to-be nor the guy I'm seeing have a problem with this, which sits just fine with me. And, to add to the hilarity of the night, I convinced a mutual friend of ours to strip for everyone. He already enjoys dancing (read: thrusting his hips) to techno and 80's music, so it's really not that far of a stretch. While I'm sure this has been done on T/RMMB before, I'd love to read any new stories you may have on the subject. FOCUS: Regale us with your stories of unforgettable bachelor/bachelorette parties. ALT-FOCUS: I need ideas for an awesome present for the bride-to-be. Something original and hopefully hilarious. I'm sure you guys have tons!
Oh, this should be good. Extra rep points for any pictures that can be produced. Let's see if we can't help a lady out.
An old boss of mine had a bachelor party where his friend throwing it was convinced he could barter with the strippers with coke. It was a really sorry sight. After they did there main little show, which was really really tame, he started blatantly suggesting that they should "party with us" with elbow nudge/wink and all. After about four awkward suggestions he finally gave up, the strippers realized no one wanted any more lap dances or 50 dollar massages and dipped out of the house real fast. The funniest/worst part of the night was getting a dance with the hottest girl while I laid on the floor. She did one some acrobatics and bent her ass within inches of my face. Though everything looked good from where I was, it really smelled like she hadn't wiped properly the last time she took a dump. After it ended the next guy got one stopped it early walked over to me and asked, "Smell like the bitch didn't wipe too you?" I busted out laughing. Sad party really.
Well this is perfect timing. I live with a few of my friends in a house off campus. A friend (Alex) approached us asking if he could have his bachelor party at our place, we said yes because an excuse to drink will never be passed up around here. Alexis not a real partier, (his friend who said he'd get beverage for all of us got a 36 of naty and two other 12's of some better drink), but since it was at our house we figured that gave us the right to take part in the planning. I get a call the night before while I'm in class that we're getting strippers and they need some money for it, hey we're helping put them through college and Alex will have a great time (hopefully) so sure. Next night, we've increased the alcohol supply, and have everything planned out. We're going to get Alex a little "loose" (drunk) and then just spring these strippers on him. They show up and I go outside to talk to them with one other guy. They request a candle, a banana, a sharpie and a blanket. On to the show.. HIghlights include: --Alex on his hands and knees with a belt around his neck and getting spanked while being told to bark --"He's an asshole!" while the strippers sit on opposite sides of him smacking their asses against his head --Getting a lap dance, licking pixie dust off the strippers and then they both look at me and my friend (we were getting dances next to each other) "Do you eat ass?" and then they proceed to put pixie dust in the proximity of their ass to lick (not really a highlight) -- Alex, who i've never even heard say "that's what she said" or make any sexual reference, was grabbing ass, smacking, and "fucking" this girl with a lollipop --Walking into my friends room where the strippers were changing and they're just sitting on his bed eating some trail mix that had been in his room -- still not sure what made them think that was acceptable All in all, we lost a lot of money for broke college kids, but Alex had the time of his life so yeah, ALWAYS HIRE A STRIPPER but don't expect them to look like the picture you find online of them
I think Philalawyer stated it well in HHIFA, and I holeheartedly agree: "Delivery Dancers" are usully, ugly, immoral and strung-out unless you have a wad of bread. These are usually girls not "qualified" (aka attractive) enough to work the strip bar scene, so they get ordered out of a phonebook where you can't see what they look like, and they make up for their substandard appearence by giving "extras" to the party guests for more money. Personally, I always have seen ordering strippers as a bad scene. In bars, guys who go to far get tossed out the door on their ear. There's nothing to regulate you and your uber-drunk friends, though. If somebody does something off the menu, people can get hurt, cops can get angry and names can get called. With women and male strippers, it's a different story. Male dancers usually encourage sexual assault, and the women at stagettes (go to Niagara Falls if you don't believe me) are the horniest, most aggressive females on the planet. I'm sure there's a few guys in here that got surrounded by a staggette gaggle in a bar and got borderline gang-raped.
At my brother's bachelor party we got a room with an outdoor patio that included a hot tub. Later my other brother ended up bringing home a stripper/hooker from the club we were at. He was shitfaced drunk and so was she, but they decided it would be great to get naked and go into the hot tub. So eventually the stripper started to go down on my brother while underwater in the hot tub, coming up for a breath every so often. Maybe it was the heat mixed with the booze or maybe my brother is gay, but somewhere along the line he puked into the hot tub while the stripper was underwater which in turn gave the water a sheet of alcohol puke. He didn't jump out of the tub though and eventually the stripper surfaced through the thin sheet of puke, which in turn got all in her hair and face. She obviously didn't notice because she went down another 3 or 4 times before my brother blew his load in the hot tub. They both came out of the tub and that's when I noticed that the girl was covered in puke, having surfaced enough times to keep particles of food in her hair and face. From that day on, the stripper of this story has always been referred to as "Swamp Thing". My brother hasn't really lived that one down yet.
Hiring one out of the phonebook or off of an ad is one thing, at least they have done it before. Having a friend do it is creepy unless, like you said, it's more for the funny factor than anything else, whether he can dance or not. I went to one that was held in the hotel room of a fancy place down town. There were about 10 of us. When the guy got there he was, I kid you not, about 5'5". When he exited the bathroom after "getting ready for his ladies" he'd greased himself up from head to toe and come to find out, had pulled out his best bedazzled manthong for the occasion. Worst stripper experience ever. Paying money to look at a somewhat attractive female stripper is one thing. Paying money to look at a shiny greased up guidoesque male stripper, flopping his junk around near you and your face (ew), sporting a jeweled bananahammock is by far another and may, in fact turn you gay*. *Not me you perverts.
And if she's a Twi-hard (god I fucking hope not), she can REALLY get fucked by Twilight. Introducing the Sparkly Vampire Dildo:
I've only had one experience with strippers, and I don't know if you will learn form the story but here it is. We took one of my (less attractive) friends to a strip club for his twentieth birthday. Everything was fine and dandy but one can only watch a stripper gyrate so many times until he is bored. About an hour after we got there, a new girl came on. She had an alien looking face and clearly fake tits. Basically, she looked a lot looser than the other girls there. As the strippers came around, they each gave a little show, but they were all the same. Twist of the hips, some pelvic motion, collect your dollar and be off with you. When we were finally about to leave when the alien comes by and starts dancing in front of me. I stand up a little and she leans forward to hear what I had to say. "you've gotta work for this dollar" I said to her matter of factly. I mean, she's a stripper. Her job is to be naked and do dirty things. How could she get offended at such a thing? But oh how she did get mad. She became very hostile and gave me a stern talking to. "If you said that to some of these other girls, you might've gotten slapped. Next time try something like 'show me something different' you little cocksucker." She proceeded to take my dollar, stick it down my jeans and retrieve it with her mouth. Basically, the moral of the story if to respect your stripper. Apparently they have feelings. But then again, they are the ones naked and dancing for singles.
I think you guys are slightly missing the point of this. Strippers are not the main focus, rather awesome bachelor/bachelorette parties are. And, of course, suggestions for a cool gift for the bride-to-be (BtB). I'm sure there's a group of you out there above the age of infancy that have had some worthy experiences. As for the gift, the more hilarious, the better. I don't offend easily (and neither does the BtB). I just found out we will be doing a scavenger hunt. It's going to be relatively typical: get x phone numbers, get a pair of boxers, etc. I'll be happy to chronicle the night's events (those which I still remember).
Some 10 years ago , a second cousin of mine was getting married. His younger brother organised the bucks night at a function room in a second rate , seedy city pub. There was a topless waitress at the bar , with a great set of firm DD breasts , but a face that needed a good number of beers to be even considered average. Throughout the night , the "buck" got increasingly drunk and then the strippers came out one after the other , there must have been about three of them in a row , doing fairly standard shows , including rubbing a lollipop on their pussy and offering it to guys in the audience for a lick. Some idiot even took her up on this from memory. The final girl came out , she was petite and athletic in build and quite talented. At this stage the "buck" was now drunk on his ass and naked. She got him to assist her with her ping-pong ball tricks. He put them in her pussy and she popped them out. Then , she got on her back , pussy in the air and her "helper" poured about half a bottle of beer into her. She then got up , walked over to the buck that was still naked and on his ass and pointed her pussy at his face ... all without spilling a drop. Then she proceeded to spray the bucks face with the beer from her pussy. The look of shock on his face was priceless, all the assorted guys in the audience howled in laughter and amazement. Other bucks nights that I have been to at strip clubs haven't even come close for entertainment value.
Alt-Focus: I've always been a fan of giving The Accommodator as a gift. I'm actually about to order one as today is one of my best friend's birthdays. NSFW
"Gambling. And tits. Lots and lots of tits." My friend Eddie was getting hitched and we had just asked him what he wanted in a bachelor party. [Roy] "What about those two hanging from your chest, Eddie?" Roy was always fucking with Eddie about his weight. This was a constant source of hilarity. [Eddie] "Fuck you, Roy. Why are you so interested in my chest anyway? Checking me out?" [Roy] "I just want to know what feels like to have bigger tits than your girlfriend." [Eddie] "I'd say the same to you... oh wait, you don't have a girlfriend anymore, do you?" [Sam] "They broke up three days ago, Eddie. That was below the belt, man." [Roy] "Yeah, kind of like his fucking belly." [SaintBastard] "Goddammit, guys. Shut up the hell up." Since my friend is one giant walking cliche, he decided he wanted to have his bachelor party in Las Vegas. Las Vegas: because you know you hate Indians and the hookers are steam cleaned nightly. We hit up a casino first. Our rounds of poker are combined with rounds of shots. I cringe when I hear the first round ordered is Tequila. Since my last experience with Tequila, I was currently not on speaking terms with that particular brand of liquor. As far as I was concerned, if alcohol is a crutch, then Tequila is the goddamn wheelchair. I decide tonight is not going to end well. Eddie is unphased. He sits down beside me and starts drinking. Combatively. We finish off a few more rounds, Eddie downing about twice as much as the rest of us. I am already several hundred dollars in the hole. I decide that my future kid is probably going to be too dumb to get into a college anyway and make another bet. More drinking and gambling ensues. Then strippers. Eddie gets his dream of grabbing more fake tits than a Palm Beach plastic surgeon. Then more drinking. Finally, we get back to the hotel. Eddie is a train wreck. We all black out. Except Eddie. He stumbles out of our hotel room half naked and starts drunkenly looking for a vending machine, the fat fuck that he is. Giving up, he loses his way back and ends up knocking on the suite next to ours. A giggling bachelorette answers the door. She promptly pulls Eddie inside. Music is thrown on and Eddie rolls with it, gyrating his hips and partly removing his pants. Think Arti Lange as a male stripper. When the rest of the girls see Eddie, they throw a complete shit fit. Phrases such as "EEEEEEEWWW!", "Is this some kind of joke?", and "I demand my money back!" come to mind. They try to push Eddie outside. Confused and defeated, Eddie screams "WHORES!" and starts knocking things over. Luckily, all the commotion woke up Roy enough to diffuse the situation and drag Eddie back to the room. Oh, and the next night he shit the bed.