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Age Difference

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by ghettoastronaut, Jul 3, 2012.

  1. Aetius

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    Not to pick on you in particular, but you've put it the most bluntly of any of the tibettes so far. I think this mindset is seriously fucked up. It strikes me as such a "what can he do for me" attitude, instead of a "what kind of partnership can we build" attitude. The idea that someone your own age couldn't be as mature as you is utterly ridiculous and borders on delusional. In all likelihood, he's exactly as mature as you are, and in your mind that's the problem. Whenever I hear a young woman say "guys my own age aren't as mature as I am," it's almost always code for "expectations for my maturity as a woman are so much lower, and I've confused that with me actually being on the same level as my romantic partners." Yeah, guy-your-own-age doesn't make as much money as an older guy, but neither do you. Maybe I'm just newfashioned, but the whole youth for status trade just seems skeevy and emotionally hollow to me. It's one thing if you have a wide range and happen to be dating someone older, it's another if you're dating someone because he's older.
     
  2. crazy asian

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    Summer camp counselor at one of those precollege summer camps. He was a great debate teacher.
     
  3. Aetius

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    I'm sure he was a master debater.
     
  4. Nom Chompsky

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    If he was your teacher, that's even more creepy.

    As for Angel's situation, what I (and I think other people) are balking at is the low probability that any 16 year old would be as mature as a given 27 year old should be. It's not impossible -- people grow up at different rates -- but while it's perfectly understandable that a younger person would be sexually attracted to an older person, the reverse usually indicates something pretty negative about the older party.

    To put it bluntly, an 16 year old getting off to an adult movie is a reasonable part of sexual development. A 27 year old getting their rocks off on Seventeen Magazine is kind of fucked up.
     
  5. toxic

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    I guess I'm just honest or a bitch but that's how I feel. I have a lot of male acquaintances that are around my age and I could never be in a relationship with any of them. Maybe it is the circle of people I know, but most only seem interested in drinking and keeping a job just to get by. I've only been in the working world for a couple years, but I'm ambitious and I know in a few years I'll be doing a lot better. I don't ever expect a guy to take care of me but I want to know I'm with someone who can. I'm not sure how someone younger than me at this point in my life could provide that security and I also don't think it's absurd to want that.

    I don't agree with your "youth for status" argument. I'm with a 31 year old, not a 51 year old.
     
  6. Aetius

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    I'm just going to call this point proven.
     
  7. Kubla Kahn

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    It would feel even more odd and shady if he had her ball gagged and a butt plug shoved up her ass.
     
  8. toxic

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    I'll call it selective reading.
     
  9. Noland

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    I call it you need a better class of friends.
     
  10. Dcc001

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    As a disclaimer, I'm not wading into the "16-year-olds and 30-year-olds should be in a relationship!" debate. I think that kind of age gap is creepy when one of the partners is so young. Now, if one was 30 and the other was 44, it's not nearly as bad because presumably the 30-year-old is a full-on adult and the odds of both partners being in a similar place emotionally and financially are much greater.

    I don't think it's necessarily wrong, though, for women to use "ability to provide" or "provides security" as a criterion for what they look for in a mate. Depending, of course, on her life goals. If it's a fling or an early adult relationship, then that characteristic is moot. If, however, the girl is thinking long-term and children, it starts to matter greatly. Fast forward in the successful relationship to the point where you are expecting a baby, and suddenly the woman is vulnerable. She's physically not as capable as she was before, she has the trauma of the birth where she may or may not have complications, and she has the break in her career for however long that child is an infant. If she's with a guy who shifts from job to job only so he can have enough money for booze and rent, then it's a problem.

    That being said, I don't think age is necessarily a good barometer for "provides me with security." I think it's much more effective to try and be at the same point in your lives emotionally and find someone whom you can live with for the long haul than it is to deliberatly limit your pool of potential mates by saying "he must be X years older than I am."

    Here's a stupid question: if the legal age of consent is, say, 16, then why is it taboo or illegal to have sexual relations with someone who is under 18 (I'm thinking porn here). I'm not saying that it is morally right, but if a porn actress is 17 why does it bring down hell onto the sites or companies that filmed her?
     
  11. Chellie

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    What I get from this is, you won't date younger or your own age group, because they're not as established as you. You don't want to be that 'someone who can' person for them, but you're ok with dating older and having someone be that person for you?

    Please don't read that as an attack, I'm just genuinely trying to wrap my mind around the seeming inconsistency.
     
  12. MoreCowbell

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    Would you be offended if someone refused to date you because they thought you were too young to have a decent career?

    For both toxic and DCC (since it kind of blends both your posts):

    DCC's explanation makes some sense to me. But as a counter example, I'm considering going back to grad school, and my income will likely plummet. In fact, it is reasonably likely to be lower even after graduation. Moreover, my employment flexibility will be somewhat limited over a period of about 6 years, as I will have an employment gap without an accompanying degree. Would it be reasonable for me, in your opinion, to date older because she is likely to have a more established career?
     
  13. silway

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    Re: Re: Age Difference

    I believe it's a matter of federal law governing porn filming instead of local state laws on consent. I can't look it up at the moment but if you watch a nonclipped porn movie there's usually a legal notice at the beginning referencing federal law.
     
  14. MoreCowbell

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    Re: Re: Age Difference

    I don't think that quite holds up. For example, Canada, age of consent is regulated under federal law, and yet pornography featuring people under the age of 18 is illegal. The same appears to hold true in Australia and the UK. 18 appears to be an international standard in the Western world, whereas there isn't much of a standard for age of consent and where there is, it is lower than 18.
     
  15. Kubla Kahn

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    I think it is a federal law issue. Federal law stipulates the 18 years old requirement for porn. Plus porn is done as a business transaction between the performers/producers which is regulated, again, at the federal level. I guess consensual sex is not regulated on the federal level to the same degree and is left to the states, so they can make it what ever they want. Im not totally sure of the technicalities but I think that's the jist of it.


    As for the 16 dating 40 year old etc. In a vacuum where sex and physical attractiveness are the only two things being considered I do think it's a double standard for older men or women to be judged differently if they want to fuck a younger person. Again, this isn't considering personality or maturity. If soccer moms wanted to fuck Taylor Lautner because he has a 24 pack of abs so be it. But when the other stuff is factored in there really should be some sort of standards, with what we currently have seems to be doing pretty fine.
     
  16. shimmered

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    6 years and 16 years older than me. The Guy is three years younger than I am. It seems to work well.


    I'm far less concerned with age and more concerned with the mutual willingness to work for the overall benefit of our relationship.
     
  17. lust4life

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    All this "provide security" and "can take care of me" talk. Are you in it for a loving relationship or a safety net?
     
  18. toxic

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    At 24, no, I don't want to be that person for someone else. I'm young and I shouldn't be expected to be able to be security for someone else my age or younger. If I were older (30 for example), I'd probably be OK with being that someone for a 25 year old as long as they were working towards a career. But I'm not 30 and I can only give my thoughts being 24. I like to work and I enjoy paying my own bills; I don't know what's so earthshattering about my opinion.
     
  19. sartirious

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    The fact that some people are gold-diggers isn't earthshattering in the least - your bluntness regarding holding that opinion is refreshing though. I can appreciate the honesty.
     
  20. Dcc001

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    This applies only if you plan on having children, but I think it has to be both. Women's rights and equality issues aside, having a baby physically makes a woman weaker than she was, and she has to take time out from her job to have the kid and raise the infant.

    Even if the family decides to opt for a non-traditional setup where the father stays home and the mother works, it doesn't change the fact that probably in the last month of pregnancy, certainly during the birth, and for several months after the woman in most cases can't work. Yes, if she has a job that allows her to work from home she can, but most people don't. While that's happening, if the male's job/income isn't secure it puts a great strain on the relationship. The household is relying on her for support when she's incapable of working and only (maybe) collecting maternity leave benefits.

    Like I said - if kids aren't in the equation then this logic is not required. You should both be able to stand on your own two feet.