HIPSTERS! In fairness, I fully expect a ton of grief for quite a few of these, but hey, de gustibus non est YOU AIN'T THE JUDGE'A ME! et cetera. The Wire I watched the whole first season and found it moderately enjoyable, but not mind-blowing. I started to watch the second season, and almost fell the fuck asleep. I couldn't remember who half of the main characters were or why they were in their current position, and I couldn't give shit none about the dockyards and all the bad shit that was going down there, and things JUST... MOVED... SO... FUCKING... SLOWLY. I quit after 2-3 episodes and I have yet to watch the remaining six(?) seasons of what is supposed to be the best Drama to ever air on TV. Yes, I am a philistine. Jennifer Aniston All right, I tried to be gentle with The Wire because maybe "It's not you, honey, it's me." But Jennifer Aniston is going to feel the full force of my e-wrath. With that in mind... FUCK YOU JENNIFER ANISTON, YOU MISERABLE, TALENTLESS CUNT. I hate you and your fucking stupid fucking face and your ridiculous fucking hair. I hate the fact that you're supposed to be attractive, yet it takes a battalion of trained beauticians a full five hours to make you look average-looking. I hate the fact that miserable magazines (staffed, one presumes, by blind gay men) try to foist you off as a sex symbol and have even had the audacity to name you "Sexiest Woman on the Planet". I hope you vanish into oblivion where you can obsess about Brad Pitt and the evil witch who stole him from you for evermore. And on that note, please take fucking Cameron cunting Diaz with you. I hope you both get locked away on the Event Horizon. Basketball Bores the everloving shit out of me, both watching and playing. I appreciate the level of athletic talent involved, but it just leaves me completely indifferent. Same goes for Baseball, but I assume everyone in America also secretly hates Baseball, and they just don't want to admit it. Thai Food Is it sweet? Is it sour? MAKE UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MINDS. It doesn't help that I like sauce on my meat and fish to be kept at a bare minimum and Thai is pretty much the antithesis of that, but as far as I'm concerned Thai is just a crappy version of chinese food. Pad Thai tastes like a plate of greasy arse. The curries are much better in India. And before you say "oh but you need to appreciate the authentic food, Tom", I've eaten Thai in fucking Thailand. Still sucked donkey balls. Non-Alcoholic Beer* WHAT ARE YOU??? *You'd think that nobody drinks that shit, but apparently there's a market.
Barring a miracle in the next few weeks (because goddammit, I am going to try to like this game until the Superbowl), I'm going to sadly submit my nomination of football. Oh - also, Princess Bride. I'm sorry, it was cute, but hardly the amazing movie that I was told to expect. Finally, avocados. They're slimy, not "buttery", and they make everything taste like it's half rotted. Not down.
Basketball. I'm going to die happy if I never touch a playoff bracket. It would be much better as a sport if you have to draw blood before it's considered a foul. Sushi. I've had some overpriced, bland raw crap rolled in seaweed that's called "sushi" and it has yet to have any taste or substance by any means. Country Music. It fucking blows. Ray-Bans or similar thick-rimmed glasses. If you really want to take the fast route to looking like a complete douchebag, slip these frames on.
Coffee Seems like 90% of the working world needs to mainline it to survive. I think it tastes like crap and it makes my stomach rumble like the San Andreas fault. No thanks. iPads or most tablets For a business/point of purchase function, I think they are fantastic. But for personal use, meh. I have a smartphone, I have a laptop, I don't need a merger of both. My roommate has a fantastic laptop and an iPhone but he needed and ipad and really all he does on that fucking thing is play games and read the same websites through various apps. Its overrated. I like being able to type
NAASCAR - How watching cars drive around in a circle for 3 hours conveys any sense of entertainment is beyond me.
I'll go ahead and say it: AC/DC is the most overplayed, over-hyped, overrated band of all time. Sorry AC/DC fans, that band was good, but they weren't that good. Get over yourselves. It's not that I think they're bad, it's that they weren't that good. No band nor musician deserves that much exposure, ever. It ruins the appeal. Same goes for Elvis.
Season 2 is easily the worst. The last three seasons go back and focus on the interesting black people. Scotch I've had good scotch. I enjoyed it. But I'll still prefer bourbon. Pickup Trucks Why I prefer my Honda Civic: Better gas mileage, I don't drive like an asshole with a giant blindspot, and nobody will ever ask me to help them move. Weed When I was under 21 it was easier to get a hold of than alcohol. But now that I can drink legally, I don't see the point. Italian Food An entire cuisine where your only variety is what shape the fucking noodle is in. Germany and France have them beat.
I think it was Anderson Cooper who did a dead-serious interview with Marcel's "parents" (That chick who said Fuck on SNL and her boyfriend.) I've never watched it, but that interview made me not want to ever watch this web series. At one point in the interview, they actually started preaching about gender roles. As if this shell with shoes glued to it is a role model of some sort. It was weird and turned me off to the series all together. Focus: This are just a few of the things that everyone loves that I can't stand: The Goonies: I feel like it's just a horrible set-in-the-80s copy of Stand By Me. Also I can't understand half the dialogue because everyone is yelling over each other. Seinfeld: I won't explain because a lot of people here agree with me. Curb Your Enthusiasm: It's basically Seinfeld with an even less likeable character. Star Wars: I'm sorry about this one. I kind of want to like Star Wars, but I can never stay awake through any of these movies. Also, I was raised by a Star Trek fan. I'm told there is a war between these two groups of fans. Superbad: It's not a horrible movie, but it's not nearly as funny as everyone who saw it before me made it out to be. I really don't think it's because I am a girl in my 20s. I enjoy Judd Apatow films I just can't get into this one. I'll stop now because I have to get to class and also I don't want to hate on too much stuff.
I knew there was an 'all-time great' musician I hated. I realize most white rock of any genre is at least somewhat stolen from truly great black artists, but is there anything he did that wasn't a complete rip off? Carlin said it best: "Elvis was a bogus white guy with sex appeal and good looks who ripped off a lot of great black music, watered it down, and made it safe for lame whites who couldn’t handle the experience of raw, emotional black music. Never grew as an artist; remained an entertainer. Fuck Elvis.”
The Simpsons: I've tried, Lord I've tried. I find nothing funny about this show. At all. I was fairly receptive to the idea when it came out, but every so often I'd try it, not laugh, and promptly forget about it. My friends quote episodes like it's the Bible. Family Guy: See non-funny Cartoon Comedies, above. Hip Hop: Don't get it. Sadly, I appear to be the only one as I am constantly exposed to this horrible 'music' through a variety of sources. My thoughts, 20 years into this 'musical' experiment are surprisingly consistent: 1) Ok, I guess the Casio keyboard company is still alive and well, as every Hip Hop/Rap song appears to have used the patented '100 Most Annoying Noises Known to Man' keyboard produced by Casio circa 1985; and 2) I could probably write a hit if I was able to 'sample' (otherwise known as stealing) a top ten musical hit and just blab over it. The latest travesty I've heard like this? I have no idea of the title, but it's Duran Duran's 'Notorious' with some chick 'blah blah blahing' over it. Don't get it at all. Current Country Music: It appears to be pop music with a fiddle over it. If I want to listen to Country (which I used to like) - I'll listen to Hank Williams, Cash, Nelson, Conway Twitty, etc. This touchy feely Taylor Swift bullshit is so bubble gum and emo I just can't stand it. Country used to be about losin' your bitch, losin' your pick-up and losin' your dog. Now it's about feelings? What the fuck? Don't get it. EDIT: Chelsea Handler: She gets a show? The world has lost its mind. Keep in mind, I'm 39, and probably was born with a mental outlook of a 55 year old, so do that math.
Since when is NASCAR, Chelsea Hanlder, Non-Alcoholic Beer, and Pick-up Trucks seem to be loved by most of society? You guys need to get out more. I've also never heard society at large rave about mashed potatoes, but I sure as hell now want to. Fuck now I'm hungry. I think my last thing is College Sports with the exception of Women's Volleyball. I have issues with the system, the hypocrisy, and the overall product on the court/field compared to professional sports suck. I don't care what anyone says, I saw a Bulls Hawk's game last Tuesday that was competitive and really fucking fun to watch. Games are closer and more "exciting" in college sports because the skill level is lower. Hence anytime you get a good player the "Man playing against boys" cliche comes out. Bullshit college athletes try harder. You're watching the wrong teams. I don't care about bowl games or march madness unless it allows me to drink more in my office. I never went to a college sports school and I just don't care. Rosters change every year and I don't have the time or care to give a fuck. Let me know when these guys get a professional contract. I did not watch one lick of the BCS game and didn't bother me a bit.
Babies. They cry a lot, when my friends have them it means we don't hang out as much, they are ugly unless they're your own and I don't want to see pictures of them or hear endless stories about them. Cowboy hats and other cowboy apparel. Yeah, it's not like a lot of people wear them but I suspect there is a decent amount of people that think they are at least a fashionable item. I get it, you want people to think you kick shit all day but it's not that cool. There aren't real cowboys around today. My stepfather was a real cowboy, he has cool cowboy stories but you don't. You look ridiculous. I just thought of a new word. Hickster? Country and rap music, mainly the last 10 years of it but it's already been discussed. Also reality TV.
Will Ferrell: His movies are all basically the same. "Hey, today I am a wacky race car driver!" "Now I'm a wacky news anchor!" "Now I'm a wacky basketball player!" "Now I'm a wacky ice skater!" Go the fuck away or come up with something new that couldn't condensed to a 6 minute SNL skit. Pink Floyd: This could be due to having a college roommate that played nothing but Pink Floyd on an endless loop for the entirely of our first four months at school because he couldn't make any friends, but seriously, fuck this band. I have such negative reaction to this band when I hear them. Mad Men: Yeah, didn't like it. Sorry. I know, greatest drama on TV and all, but I just can't get into it. See also: Sons of Anarchy. For Video Game people: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: Sorry. I played it, and it was just... boring. I got about five hours in when I realized how incredibly bored I was. I felt like I was trying to force myself to like the game because it was so hyped as a masterpiece. The thing was glitchy as fuck, but somehow everyone is willing to overlook that because "OMG SKYRIM!"
Cars: Maybe it's just the people who I associate with, but I'm seen as a weirdo for not knowing every aspect of my car's "stats" and being content with a Civic. My coworkers drive retarded lifted trucks, modded Jeeps, Mustangs, Camaros, etc. I mean, I like what my car can do for me, and I think a nice car looks cool, but I just can't fathom the idea of people who spend literally tens of thousands of extra dollars on their vehicles. For me, it's just a method of conveyance. Nothing more, nothing less. Dude, Where's My Car: I can't stand awkward humor. At all. When a dude walks up to a girl in a movie and says something completely retarded, I feel like running out of the room and screaming. And this movie is just fucking full of it. Embarrassing moment after embarrassing moment, and the characters are too stoned to realize what they're doing. And people find this funny? Gah.
Golf. I detest this sport. It's not fun to watch, play or discuss. It's stupidly expensive and pretentious. It also is a great way to ruin a perfectly good Saturday morning. Baseball. I was a Detroit fan, so there's ample reason there. Also, the strike happened when I was at the peak of my fandom and I realized that I would never buy another ticket to an MLB game because of the strike. I was 10 or 11. I have some problems with players making a quarter billion dollars and the Bud Selig era has effectively ended baseball for me. I'll follow college baseball, because it's just more fun to watch. Gangsta rap. I love hip-hop, but I am sick to death of this genre. It's fucking 2012, come up with something more insightful than hoes, crack, money and cars. It's no longer edgy or pushing the envelope, it's fucking sad. Also, pick your guest spots more carefully. I heard a Raekwon/Bieber track and lost much respect. Movies. I love watching movies, but in the past year I've watched fewer and fewer movies. It's just not worth the time to sift through the mounds of utter shit to find something to watch that I enjoy more than reading for an hour and a half, or watching tv. Video games: All of my buddies play games for at least 15 hours per week more than I do. I absolutely cannot fathom this. When I play, it's rarely for more than 30 minutes a day, and it's usually something laughably old like Halo, Doom or Counterstrike. I am baffled by games like Skyrim, or Modern Warfare. Read a book, for fuck's sakes.
soccer: Every four years I lose a little respect for at least a few people when I find out that they consider this to be a real sport. watching football: It is a lot of fun to play but I don't see how anyone enjoys watching it. college sports: I second what Parker said. The level of competition is too low for it to be entertaining. I was going to UGA in 2008 when our baseball team went to the national championship game, and my roommates were into it and introduced me to watching college baseball on television...it was only marginally more exciting than watching soccer. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I would probably think that they are just overrated if it wasn't for their fans. The title should still go to the Dave Matthews Band, but they could be a contender for the title of "band with the most annoying fans," especially among people who are under 30. The Eagles: probably the only "classic rock" band that I can't stand. video games: are for people who are not old enough to drive. Judd Apatow movies: I haven't thought that any comedy that he has made has been funny (I have seen Knocked Up, Superbad, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Pineapple Express).
Nearly every one of the things I could write here has already been posted on more than one occasion so I'll go with one I haven't seen yet. Corn: Everyone I know loves the shit mostly straight off the cob smothered in fucking butter. It is fucking disgusting vile smelling shit that makes me want to projectile vomit directly at the person eating it. And it doesn't fucking digest, whenever you eat it, straight through the system and comes out in your shit. AFL: For those that aren't from Australia AFL is Australian Rules Football. The majority of people on the East Coast love the fucking sport and to me it has never been anything more than aerial ping pong. They don't know how to fucking tackle, they're not allowed to tackle below the knees or they get penalised for tripping. They get free kicks for the most retarded of fucking incidents. I will give it this though. Barry Hall is a fucking monster. About 25 seconds in is where it gets to the point.
Kids and Childhood. You know the best thing about childhood? IT ENDS. You grow up and you can drink, do drugs, get blow jobs, get your own house, and not be a fucking kid any more. Before school? MAYBE being a kid was awesome - but everyone still freaked the fuck out if you got a blow job or fucking touched a vagina. But being an adult shits all over childhood and being gainfully employed shits all over school. And you people with the fucking kids? FUCK OFF. I mean I don't want them harmed or anything - but quit fucking with my life. You know who's responsible for the good of the children? Their parents. I don't give a shit. I don't support any law for the good of the children except for the parent's right to shoot pedophiles. Take your censorship campaigns, your health awareness campaigns, your morality campaigns, and put them on the walls of your own fucking house, or in schools. And for the love of god don't tell me about whatever nugged of mediocrity your bastard most recently shit out. I don't fucking care.
Pasta. What is people's obsession with pasta? Spaghetti? Lasagna? Mac n Cheese? Apparently all these things are comfort foods and are the best and tastiest food out there. It's tasteless, limp, and you have to cover it in sauce and cheese to make it edible. Please tell me I'm not crazy. I feel like this is an emperor with no clothes situation.