After 6 beers I am invincible

This dipshit got drunk and passed out in the snow. Now she is documenting her frostbite treatments.

WARNING. These pictures are disturbing to most people. Me, I think it's a bit gross, but mostly hilarious. NASA will probably not be returning her calls.

Probably the worst part is how upbeat she is about it. Your fingers are falling off, dumbass. BE MORE CONCERNED. I want to admire how unrepentant she is, but her fingers look like blackberry cobbler.

Which reminds me of all the injuries I have seen over the years. Gashes, scrapes, face plants, accidental groin shots. I once jumped onto a stone wall, but instead managed to slam my knee into the edge of it. I had a golf ball sized knot on it for weeks. I was walking like Torgo with 3 knees. Right now I am nursing my foot because I managed to slice off a chunk of my big toe on broken glass.

Summer '13 I slipped (ok, I was GOING to jump off it, but the dirt gave way) off a 13 foot embankment and blew my back out in shallow water. Ditto summer '12 Supermanning over the safety net on a giant, inflatable slide.

Buddy went into his cabinet for a snack after partying all night. The cabinet door falls off the hinge, smashing his foot hard enough he passes out, and he cracks his head on the tile floor, giving himself a concussion. Same friend was DUI'ing on a bicycle and crashed into a parked car, catapulting over it onto the concrete.

My friend left his foot on a heating floor vent. His shit was poached when he came to.

Another tried the Aliens Bishop knife trick. Unsuccessfully.

Saw my friend's ex throw a temper tantrum and punch a wall. The same wall I planted my knee into. He needed a cast.

Pal blacks out next to a lamppost. He falls back into the lamppost and the sound is just like an egg cracking. He doesn't even notice, not even affected. I only mention this because he pissed his pants later, then went to his mechanic the morning with no shoes (lost them) and pee pants. He smelled and looked like a dead animal.

Focus: What are your drunk injuries? Your, "HEY WATCH THIS!" moments. Funny injuries. We don't need to hear about the time your friend was trapped in a car fire. Unless for some reason it is really funny.

 

Behind my first apartment was a giant, cushy mess of vines and bushes. I got drunk and jumped into it from the handrail of my second story stairway. It went great a few times, the growth was so thick that I landed softly and rolled out on to the ground.

Then I tried to do a flip and missed the bushes. I land flat on my back on the ground. The next morning I felt like I stepped in front of a train.

I can't help but smile when I think about this next story. I had a party at my house and a drunken conversation about our athletic abilities was started. I was challenged to a footrace. One lap around my house would settle this argument. My opponent was several years younger, more athletic and probably faster. But, I was familiar with the course.

We were neck and neck on the front stretch, coming in hot to the first turn. In that turn is my well house, it's about 8'x8', chest high, built of brick. There is about a 6' gap between the structures. I run between the house and this unusually large well house. My opponent runs, as fast as he can, squarely into the well house.

We are pretty sure he broke some phalanges and some ribs.

 

I have several, but here's one:

College. Greek week. One of the competitions (they were all stupid, but, my fraternity won the week!) was a raft race across the lake. But, the catch was it was a 6-person inflatable raft, like you'd go whitewater rafting in, but you only got one paddle. You went out to the marker and back. One person was the runner (me) who started the race on shore about 50 yards. The rafts were all pulled up to the sea wall. At the start, everybody runs to the rafts, jumps in, and then paddle like crazy.

Earlier in the day, I had finished 2nd in the alphabet belching contest, using many beers to get some good burps going. So, I came up with a plan: I will run as fast as I can, just before I get to the raft, the other guys will push off, with me leaping Superman style into a now-moving raft, using my momentum to help propel us along. Everybody got it? Got it! Except, the guy holding the raft in place on the wall didn't have it.

So, I run and leap out, assuming the raft will be 4-6 feet away when I land. But, genius was still holding us against the wall. In mid dive, I try to tuck my head to keep from overshooting the whole raft. Instead of landing in the back half, my head hits between the floor of the raft and the rigid front tube. I am lucky that I didn't break my neck, but I tore two different muscles in my back and neck. We finished last in that race. I couldn't paddle at all, and practically crawled to the finish line when we returned to shore. Good times.

 

Oh man. I went through 5 years of college without any serious drunken injury. Scrap on my shoulder, few bumps, nothing major.

Cue 3 years ago, I went back to visit with a group of friends and catch a couple of my school's hockey games. First night we went out, party at our old house, hit a couple of the major bars, ended up at the "main" big bar on campus. When I was there, the signature drink was something called a Mindprobe. Similar to a Long Island Ice Tea, but with sour mix. Anyways, in the time since I graduated, they took it to another level, increased the size of the cup, added Blue Curacao...and a full Red Bull and called it a TrashCan.

Of course, I consumed a TrashCan, when in Rome, and that is more than enough. However, without about 45 min left, my friend's younger sister, who was a really cute senior and had been flirting all night, brought me a fresh one and I stupidly started drinking it. Things got REALLY hazy...

The next sequence is a combination of memories and third person information cause there are LARGE gaps.

We left the bar and began walking to a popular late night food spot. Walking with my buddy, his wife up ahead called back to him and jokingly called him an asshole or something of the like. Some frat bro heard it, mistakenly took it personally and called her a bitch. As we''re passing the group, I said to them "not about you guys, chill out". I started to jog to catch up with her and our other friends....and one of the bros sticks a foot out and trips me. Now in a normal state, I likely stumble, maybe go to a knee. But near blackout, I sprawl forward and with my phone in one hand and reaching for my friend with the other, there is nothing to break my fall and I smash my face on concrete steps. It was really bad. My friend and his wife guide me to the hospital, which is fortunately near the strip of bars, when I have to get 4 stitches to close a nasty gash between my nose and lip. I was barely coherent and likely concussed. My friend's wife filled out my paper work while I was throwing up in the sink between doctor appearances. My signature for treatment and discharge looked like Sanskrit.

I woke up the next day with that weird understanding of what went on, but no real clarity to it. Heading to the bathroom and the mirror was ROUGH. Large scrapes and bruises on my forehead and temple/side of my eye. Lightly broken nose that thankfully didn't require treatment. The aforementioned stitches. And to cap it off, I chipped a large chunk off the crown on my front tooth (no pun intended). $800 in doctor bills and close to $1500 in dental fixes. Fucking awful. Amusingly, the next 2 months as my face healed was one of the best and most successful periods with women I had ever had in my life. Chicks dig scars.

 

Back when I was drinking heavily... We couldn't sail one weekend because of a split fuel line. There was a big marina holiday party, so I got fucked up as a moon chicken.

I was transfering the cooler, a large one, by this time only about half full of ice and cheap beer, to the dock from the cockpit. Some unseen force suddenly made the cooler make a hasty trip toward the water as it was between the boat and dock. I'm a strong guy and holding it tightly so naturally I had no problem keeping pace with it during this downward trip ... That is until my face and the old, splintery dock met.

I had to wash the blood from my nose down the cockpit darains and my face looked I was beaten with a, get this, old splintery board.

 

I broke my hand last summer in the dumbest way. Went to a bar with friends between a wedding and the reception for a beer, and I slipped on the wet sidewalk on our way out and went down hard on my hand. Yeah, real smooth. (Note to self, those dress shoes don't have much traction in the rain.)

I have a nice scar across a collarbone from going full steam into a door frame at a party on Halloween 2010, thanks to a combination of being clumsy and hammered drunk that night. I guess I should be lucky I didn't break it too.

Chipped a tooth while trying to take a swig out of a beer bottle and running though a backyard at the same time. A buddy gave himself a black eye that night. I had a nice tumble down a steep river ravine while wrestling the same friend at a bonfire. We tumbled for awhile but thankfully there were these nice trees to slow us down. I'm not sure which was worse, the fall or slamming into a tree trunk. Good times.

 

Oh Christ. I can't even remember them all.

I've had somewhere between 7-10 concussions that include getting run over by a snowmobile, being hit in the head with a WW I German army helmet and going face first into the ground from a second story balcony.

Somehow, I've managed to never have stitches or break any bones other then my little toe. I broke my little toe in my sleep while drunk. I was fine when I went to bed, not so much when I woke up. As near as I can figure I kicked the foot board of the bed in my sleep.

I used to have some scars from falling out of a moving car, I'm not sure if they're even still there to be honest, it happened over 30 years ago. We were throwing fire crackers out of the car and had a brick of 5000 or so sitting between the front seats. My buddy threw one that hit the top of the door and flew back in landing on the brick setting the whole fucking thing off. It was about this time that I apparently decided I didn't want to be in the car anymore, so I exited. While we doing 35 mph. I went rolling down the road laughing.

Why was I laughing? Well, first of all I was drunk and secondly we were in a residential neighborhood. Anyone who heard the commotion that sounded like gun fire and looked out their window would've been treated to the sight of a body rolling down the road. I ended up with some pretty nasty road rash, but being drunk was probably a blessing because you tend to be pretty limp and just roll with the punches.

 

Broke my hymen. You can't put that shit back, apparently.

 

I'm in the same boat as Toytoy, I have had a lot of drunken incidents over the years that have ended in claret.

There is the full thickness burn that left the scar on my arm at a bucks party last year. After drinking enough to get a half dozen guys over the legal driving limit I went to stand up to get another beer and my legs decided that they had had enough. I topple over onto the top of a fire and roll off the side of the drum gouging a sizable chunk out of my arm. Someone passes me a beer, I put it on my arm for a second, finish the beer then go to sleep.

I got woken up the next morning after two hours sleep not by the monstrous slap on my leg but my mate opening a beer in front of me. Apparently I sat straight up like a vampire coming out of his coffin and started drinking it before I was even really awake.

The other really good one that happened last year was stubbing my toe and ripping the entire front of it off. I slipped, drunker than ten men, while going to the toilet and skinned my toe. Then walking back to my room I left a trail of blood everywhere including the bottom bunk, the floor of our room, outside and then all over my bed as well. According to some other guys who opened our door for whatever reason it looked like I had killed my roommate.

Had a good near miss where I tried to play with an Inland Taipan as well but thankfully I haven't been that drunk in a long, long time.

 

When I was 16 on New Years in Minnesota I drank like 10 beers and around beer 7 I called my parents to ask them to spend the night at my friend's house. Well, they said no. So what did my dipshit mind say? "OK, I'll walk home the 2 miles to my house.... by myself." Evidently a block away from my house I passed out into a snow bank (it was like 20 degrees out). Thankfully, and miraculously, a buddy of mine's brother was randomly partying with people out in front of the house I passed out at and scooped me up and drove me to my house. I proceeded to fall asleep on a broken clavicle and shit myself. So at 6 in the morning I awoke to my shitted self and attempted to do laundry. Quickly setting alarm bells off in my mom's head. I told my parents and the Dr some bullshit story about falling while skiing and then sleeping on it wrong. I'm guessing no one believed me, but we never discussed it again. I didn't even know how I got to my house and was told all about it by my buddy the following week in school. Probably should've died.

 

What started out as a calm Thursday night grabbing a bite to eat with some friends quickly escalated. We had gone to the next town over to grab food and decided to swing by a restaurant on the way back to the house to have a beer and check out a live band since we were bored. A beer turned into a shot that turned into a couple of rounds. We ended up meeting a couple of girls that came to hang out at our table. Things were going pretty good until I drunkenly tried some sort of acrobatics on a brick patio in flip flops. I knew I had messed up but didn't know how bad, I guess the alcohol was keeping the pain in check a little. We ended up staying about an hour after I fell before I hobbled back to the truck about 2. One of the girls was trying to get me to go home with her but all i could think about was the excruciating pain in both my feet. Pretty sure i told her to "get the fuck out of my face" and she called me gay. I had to crawl up the stairs when I got home and I passed out for a couple of hours. Around 4 I guess the alcohol was starting to wear off and I woke up and laid there in pain until I heard someone moving around in the house. I called my buddy and told him to come upstairs and help me get to the car I had to go to the hospital.

I ended up breaking my calcaneus bone (my heel) thankfully not needing surgery and messing up something in my other foot. The ER Dr. wanted to cast both feet but it would have left me wheelchair bound. Ended up having a horrible Ortho Dr. I don't think he even looked at the x-rays of my right foot.

I did get a sick cast though.