I saw this advertisement yesterday for one of those bottles of mixers where you just add booze: Now, the simplest version of a margarita is to mix together tequila, triple sec, and lime juice. Pour over ice. That's one ingredient more than what you would have to do with the premade stuff. The small print on the ad encourages the reader to drink responsibly. If you can't manage to stir 3 ingredients together and pour them over ice, I gotta wonder if you are capable of doing anything responsibly. Focus: Admit you suck. Tell us about something that most people can do with no trouble, but your attempt usually results in a visit from the fire department.
I can't do simple math quickly in my head. It is an embarrassment playing blackjack with friends because I'll be staring at my cards and they'll be constantly going "13." "17." "14."
I eat spaghetti like a normal person. Twirling the fork on the plate at an angle just-so doesn't work for me, it always falls apart. I shovel it into my mouth like a fucking pig and eat it that way, much to my girlfriends disgust. Fuck Spaghetti. It's a so-so food with way more micromanagement required than it's worth. It's boiled noodles with purred tomatoes careless spread across them? Ive seen hobos put together better meals from dumpster diving and picking shit out of their asses than an expensive plate of spaghetti. EDIT: I can't even spell the word correctly.
I can't write a ledgible sentance by hand. I can type at 120 words a minute. I can juggle. I can spin fire staffs and fire poi. I can do all kinds of intricate fine motor stuff - but I have to do it all without looking at my hands. Handwriting just isn't possible without looking at your hands, and that fucks me up. I also struggle to draw a smiley face that doesn't look like an awkward penis. I can kind of whistle. I couldn't untill I was like 25 - and only kind of got the hang of it after spending months working nightshift and practicing while I worked.
I can't whistle or snap my fingers. I understand how one theoretically goes about doing them. It's not as if no one has tried teaching me. It's just a fool's errand. Up until I was about 14, I couldn't skip. I just didn't understand the physical coordination of motions involved. It's not as if I was a complete lost cause for coordination. I played sports, and could do most other things. It was just this ONE act of skipping that eluded me. Then, at 14 during warmups in gym class, it magically clicked and I could suddenly skip to my heart's content. I immediately went to enthusiastically inform my friend who had teased me about this before. Yelling loudly that I could skip! I could skip! was not one of the better moments for my heterosexuality's reputation.
Basketball. I could accell at pretty much ANY sport I practiced at, but watch me play basketball and the probably the first thing that will spring to your mind (besides laughter) will be "GARDEN-VARIETY CAUCASIAN". Despite the fact I had a net in my driveway I religiously practiced on I throw bricks, airballs, dribble like a drunken farsighted midget trying a high-wire act, throw kindergarten lay-ups and have the hang-time of an industrial forklift. Just one of the reasons basketball is my least favourite of the "big four" sports. I suck at this sport, period. I simply haven't the genes for it. Oh, I ALSO can't snap my fingers.
Though I'm not nearly as hopeless as Crown Royal, I too have trouble with jumpshots. I can hit jumpshots all day long when I'm practicing or warming up, but as soon as a game starts, I can't hit a jumper to save my life. It's terribly frustrating to hit shot after shot in warm ups and then not be able to do it during a game. Guess I choke? Also, I am one of the worst beer pong players ever. This doesn't really affect my life at all anymore, but I used to flat-out embarrass myself at high school and college parties. It got so bad that when people would ask me to play with them, I would have to decline just to avoid the shame of not being able to make a cup.
I can't remember people's names, drives my co-workers crazy. They will tell me patient "Bob Smith" called with a questionM, I have no idea who they are. But then I look at their chart and I remember basically everything they told me. I always say "but I remember their story and that is really more important"
I can't wash my face or shave without completely soaking my counter, the floor in front of my sink, or my chest. I can't write legibly either.
I can't say the word "rural." I suck at ironing. I can't remember names and I'm even worse with faces (makes second dates really awkward, I never know who I'm there to meet). The names thing carries through to celebrities, I don't know the names of anyone in movies and can't tell you who their famous dad is, and I also can't remember names of court cases. Tell me the concept, like it's the one about the definition of a chicken, and I'm good to go, but the names elude me. I also only recently learned to parallel park (not required to get a driver's license here). But damnit, I can make a good margarita. Decent gold tequila, grand marnier, real lime juice (not that roses sugar crap). I think all the mixes get people to believe it's more complicated than that, and that they can't possibly make this drink on their own.
I suck so much at ironing it's pathetic. If something is really complicated (to me) I'll break down and just take it to the cleaner's to be ironed even though I hate spending money there. Also, getting out of the shower or washing my face....I'll literally soak the entire bathroom with water. I guess I really get into washing my face. I always wipe it up, but it makes me feel like a bit of a slob. The most recently discovered "I suck" moment? Not figuring out how to open a baby gate. My bf has one at the stairs to keep the pup downstairs. Coming down, I had a hell of a time with it, thinking that there was some kind of latch to lift. After watching and laughing at me for a second he came over and pulled hard. It was magnetic.
I have this problem too. Worst time was when I was at a high school friends wedding and my 6th grade teacher was there. I couldn't for the life of my think of her name. I lived across from this woman till I was 17 and I could not recall what her name was. I finally caved and asked someone and felt like the biggest dumbass.
Focus:Any bat-and-ball sport. I have to choke up on the bat like an 8 year old to get a decent swing. If I am stuck in the outfield I will miss any ball that comes toward me and I've had a throw to first from right end up in shallow left. The nature of baseball and softball just isn't good for me. The lack of constant action means my mind is constantly wandering and also gives me too much time to dwell on mistakes. I haven't played a bat-and-ball sport, even pick-up, in close to 10 years and go out of my way to avoid them no matter how much booze is at the field. I still haven't given cricket a shot so maybe there is hope for me yet. I also can never find the inside handle to open car doors. At this point I just ask "where's the handle" the second the driver has parked. This habit irritates people, but it irritates them less than standing outside the car for five minutes going "wtf is schubeal looking for?"
I have the handwriting of an epileptic retard with Parkinsons. I'm not good with tools, but try to work with them sometimes anyway. More often than not, I end up bleeding. I played 9 year of football, including 5 at the Div. I level. I throw a football like a little sissy girl. My recent physical therapy sessions are reminding me that I might be the least flexible person in existence. I suck at knots. I know the double half-hitch that I use to secure my boat to a piling, but that's it. I can spell if I'm writing it down on paper. Ask me to spell outloud to you, and I can hardly spell my name. If you tell me your name, I've forgotten it the second it leaves your lips. This problem has been exacerbated by the brain damage I suffered during my accident- I find it hard to concentrate on anything. I own guns- a Remington 870 12ga, a Benelli Super Black Eagle 12ga, a Remington 700 .270, and an old beat up Savage .22. This is the extent of my knowledge of guns. What is this "ironing" yall speak of?
Admitting you suck at mixing margaritas is to admit that you mix margaritas. Admitting that you mix margaritas to admit that you suck [penis]. Admitting you suck [penis] is to admit that you enjoy margaritas. It's cyclical. Kind of like the whole chicken and egg thing.
I'll throw my hat into the "can't remember names" ring as well. I'll never forget a face, but I can't remember a name for more than 5 minutes. It's gotten so bad that even when I know what their name is, I'll second guess myself to the point where I don't actually call anyone by name for fear of getting it wrong. What's really embarrassing at times is that I can't chug a beer to save my life. Girls can down a beer faster than I can and I'm always the last one to finish an Irish Car Bomb. This is really the worst during drinking games (which I rarely play anymore...damn getting old) when everyone else is standing around watching my struggle with a beer like a fish gulping for water. I've always heard the phrase "just open your throat" but that concept completely eludes me and I stick with my method of 'big gulp-swallow-big gulp-swallow...pause because the beer is too damn cold...big gulp-swallow'. Beer bongs and shotgunning beers is out of the question.
Well now I feel better. I can't iron for shit either. My folks tried to teach me growing up, but I always just fucked it up beyond repair. I have friends that can throw "a cuff and a crease" with ease. I have to throw my shit in the dryer for 5 min and "shake it out"
Some might know it better as "sticking all your clothes back in the dryer and running the machine until all the wrinkles are gone". And I do despise myself for using such technical terms, but there it is. I'll eleventy billionth the "not remembering names" thing. And it's not just being inconsiderate and not trying. If I strike up a conversation with someone I can recall, with a Rain Man level of accuracy, every personal detail they mentioned - number of siblings, where they are originally from, alma mater, college major, favorite music, names of pets, their job and everything it entails, favorite drinks, minutiae from embarrassing stories they've told me. But their names........nope. Not unless it's something I can easily relate it to. For example, the name of this cute chick I was talking stuck in my mind. Christina. Why do I remember it? Well for all you David and David fans on the TiB, [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzQmXIGlRbQ]"My Christina drives a 944. Satisfaction oozes from her pooooooooooooooores![/youtube] Of course, I made sure to mention that connection to her. I may very well have set a world record for a guy getting friend zoned. And in typical nerd fashion anything involving home improvement or auto maintenance totally eludes me. Although, I was quite proud of myself for putting up proper (somewhat) curtains in my apartment. Said installation involved getting a hammer and hammering in the dealies (or screws for the pedantic) into the fancy doodles (brackets for the overly pedantic) until they more or less stayed in place. It hasn't fallen yet and it's been in place over a month. Success!
I cannot play pool for SHIT. its gotten to the point where I just aim to hit the cue ball into a ball half the time.
I'm mechanically awful. I can do the most very basic of home repair shit, but any kind of large job and I have to stand there watching like a slack-jawed idiot. Thanks to typing, my hand-writing is god awful. When I took the Praxis II exam recently, they had one of those "write the following statements, do not print" things on there. It took me a solid 10 minutes to remember how to write in cursive. Even printing is almost unreadable. I, too, struggle with names. It took me two weeks to remember all my new coworkers names.