A hole is a hole is hole

I couldn't find the thread, but I remember it being one of the most popular on this board, as well as RMMB, it was about how we clean ourselves after pooping.

This lead me to do some research, I tried many different styles, talked to my friends about their habits in depth. My roommates have also been really interested in this as well. Now, I have the best, most efficient, way to a clean asshole: The 5 hole, then a squat-wipe

If anyone is unfamiliar with the term "5 hole" it is a hockey term used for the space inbetween the goalie's legs. (image below)



To do this (if male) you move your sac to the side with your non wiping hand, then do a wipe back to front while seated, you do this as a short wipe, not going past the first 1/3rd of your taint. Wipe till clean.

Then after the hole itself is clean, hover above the toilet, and do a front to back wipe or two. This will clear any remnants away from the cheeks/hair.

This is the best method that I've tried, and I wanted to share it with you all. Why I'm writing this is not for you all to debate it (though I would love new ones to try), but rather to share with you some level of expertise that I have in the subject.

FOCUS: Post-shitting cleanup techniques.

ALT FOCUS: Write something small about what you're an expert at, be it tying a lure, shaving your armpits (TIBettes), doing a impormptu speech, whatever.

 

I was not previously aware there was an art to wiping before I joined RMMB, and the way I deal with knowing is pretending that I don't and just wiping however.

 

Here we go again... Aren't we going to include the sit vs stand debate? Fold vs crumple?

Anyway, I find your technique amateurish. First, there is no need to sully an extra hand by touching ballsack. Second, every woman I've seen wiping does the between the legs thing so I would feel like a bitch using that strategy. Third, you want me to learn TWO swipe techniques and the distance that they cover? I also find that your between the legs back to front motion comes with the inherent risk of droppings on your wrist during one of those post-taco bell shits.

I've gone with tried and true. Sitting down, lift right leg, come in from the 5 o'clock direction, wipe back to front and release toilet paper.

 

All I know is if I wipe three times and there's still a good amount on the last bit of paper I'm taking a shower.

 

I need to do a bit of research on this. The toilet paper holder sits right over an airconditioning vent. If I put it a certain way the air from the vent causes the paper to unravel and sit in a pile on the floor. For some reason, I don't like to sully my delicate bum with paper that has been in a pile on the floor. Unfortunately, I can't remember which way this is, but I will complete this highly scientific study today, for you my fellow idiots.

 

As a nurse, my mother has given many a late night drunken lecture over the proper way to wipe. Front to back. As for toilet paper, it unrolls much easier if you choose B from that little diagram.

 

I prefer skipping out on shit-tickets altogether and going straight for the high pressure power washer.

 

Flushable wet wipes. All else is an inferior clean.

 

Position B...alternating front to back and back to front to be most thorough and then complete with a baby-wipe. There is no cleaner feeling.

 

That's assuming one actually replaces the roll.

 

A is the right way.

Sorry you're wrong.

The toilet paper roll goes on so that when you spin the roll by hitting it (so it is spinning clockwise in the picture) the paper rolls up, rather then rolls down and making a pile of wasted toilet paper on the floor.

 

As someone who is at times in situations where I am not able to shower for 4-5 days at a time, I can only say that unless you are using wetwipes you are doing your asshole and those around you a great disservice.

 

Position B is the natural position, but sometimes the choice is made for you:

 

What he means is if you're a bumbling idiot or have undisciplined toddlers, you must suffer the inconvenience of position A. The rest of us intelligent, normally-coordinated people with children who behave will use the proper position B.

 

I don't do any of that between the legs wiping nonsense. I wipe with the right hand while holding my book or magazine with the left. I take my bathroom reading very seriously and cannot be bothered to put my reading material down in order to wipe my ass. Who the fuck lifts up their sack anyway while wiping? I wipe in a scrubbing motion a few times then I wipe from front to back twice to rid my ass of any unwanted toilet paper and dingleberries.

As far as the correct way to place the toilet paper goes, I'm not partial to either one. I hate putting toilet paper on the roll and procrastinate as long as possible to avoid doing so. This makes the act of getting up mid shit and waddling from the toilet to the cabinet under the sink a common occurance. By the time I waddle back to the toilet, I'm throwing the toilet paper on the roll the fastest way possible. Sometimes it's position a and sometimes it's b. I then continue to read my book or magazine, try to squeeze out one last log then I proceed to wipe as usual.

The most extreme method of wiping I have heard of was from a friend's college roommate. He was so large (400 lbs.) that he had to shower everytime he shit. Apparently this is more common than I once imagined and widely used among bodybuilders such as ronnie coleman and professional strongmen.

 

Position A, all the way. With the toilet paper positioned this way, you only need one hand to unroll it. I can still face forward on my toilet and get the paper. With Position B, I'm forced to turn to my right side and have to use my left hand to stop the roll while I use my right hand to tear the paper.

Also, do you wad the toilet paper and wipe? Or do you fold it into a neat square before you wipe? I tend to wad it so my hand has no chance of touching poo.

 

This is the reason why I don't like position A for the roll. How many times have you seen stains on the wall of a public toilet because position A forces someone's dirty hand to reach further?

 

I never understood any of this position A, position B nonsense. I'm just thankful something's there specifically made to wipe my ass with, as opposed to leaves or squirrels.