Jesus Florida. Search for missing Florida boy turns up body of sailor in pond They still didn't find the boy, but this happened too: It's like an Easter Egg Hunt in Hell.
So last night I started watching Hot Girls Wanted, the Netflix documentary on cam girls. Purely for the purposes of sociological research. Within the first 10 minutes, the "handler" for these girls talks about the massive number of applications they receive from Florida, and basically says they could have a new girl on cam every 5 minutes from Florida alone. I stopped watching about 20 minutes in, when they go home with one of these girls to video her interactions with her parents now that they know what is up with their little princess. The soul crushing disappointment in their "little girl" was disturbing. It may be a whole 2 or 3 days before I can watch porn again without feeling guilty.
South Florida has a serious canal infrastructure. Man made and natural alike. If you look at a map the land is marked with vein-like waterways; it really does look like your body's artery pathways. Whenever we have a drought, when the water levels in these canals lower, old car accidents are discovered. The roof of a rusted 50's model, 60's model car will pop up above the water line. This happens all the time. People went missing decades ago just ended up driving off the road for whatever reason (alcohol) and drowning in these canals. Right off the side of the road where ten thousand people a day drive by, completely hidden in some nasty, brackish swamp water. Some places still don't have guard rails. If no one notices the disturbed grass or plants where your car drove off, nobody would ever find you. Oh, and here is some more Florida goodness. We apparently have The Red Dragon living in suburbia. Family Killed In Blue Moon Ritual Killing http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/nationworld/ct-florida-blue-moon-killings-20150804-story.html
So here is what I saw yesterday driving to my house. Florida…fuck yeah! http://nydn.us/1KQxR8i In the second picture, yup, that's bloody pigs feet.
Ok, so we're doing Florida Day. Man's penis mutilated in two different, unlicensed dick lengthening surgeries. http://www.clickorlando.com/news/exflorida-surgeon-accused-of-mutilating-mans-penis/34547166 "A South Florida patient says his penis was deformed by a former Boynton Beach surgeon who did not have a license to operate. Multiple media outlets report that Mark D. Schreiber, 60, of Tamarac, was arrested Friday on a charge of unlicensed practice of health care, causing serious injury. Hialeah police say the unidentified patient paid Schreiber in February to remove a material that had been injected into his organ to make it longer and thicker. Authorities say the man who performed the initial procedures, Nery C. Gonzalez, 48, is wanted on the same charge." Well, if your first back alley dick surgery didn't work, might as well try another. I mean, hey, what are the odds the same thing happens again?
Its been posted a few times before, but this novelty twitter account is my all-time favorite: https://twitter.com/_floridaman And theres this:
I'm really surprised this comes from Minnesota and not Florida (or the Onion, for that matter): Deez Nuts is polling at 8 percent against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump #deeznuts2016
In other news, The Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge rescued a mutant opossum with no fur. It's still a baby, but shit look at this thing: "DOBBY IS A FREE HOUSE ELF!" Fuck I already picture people wanting to breed hairless Virginia Opossums for the exotic pet trade.
Aaaaaaaand a lesbian coworker just asked me to be the sperm donor for her baby. Why is it the only women who think I'm perfect are lesbians who want my genetic material? I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand I'm not in principle against sperm donation and I've already helped out the coworker by giving some advice on general pregnancy stuff. On the other hand, I'm not sure what the legal issues are in this province (this would be a situation of me in one room with a cup, her in another room with a turkey baster deal), and I'm not sure how I would feel seeing a little me running around. And while this coworker and I are friendly... asking someone to be the genetic father of their child is an extremely intimate thing to ask.
If you seriously consider doing it, you get a lawyer involved. Otherwise she can't hit for child support anytime she wants.
Sounds messed up if you're only a coworker she's on good terms with. What if they have the kid and then they get in a lesbian car crash or something? (That's like a normal car crash, but with lesbians.) I bet you would always feel a little responsible if shit hit the fan and this kid really needed someone, what with it being your biological child and all. Seems like an awfully big thing to do for anyone but an extremely close friend.
Uhm, is it just me or.... is that opossum penis fucking reversed? Like, aren't the balls supposed to be beneath the dick? What kind of weird setup is that? Is the mutant supposed to do squats to jackhammer opossum hos? If he has to take a dump while he has a boner, does he just shit on it? I think nature is trying to get him out of the gene pool. Evolution at work people.
I walked into the restroom the other day and some dude in one of the stalls was loudly grunting "GYM......POWERRRRR! GYM......POWERRRRRRR!" Or maybe he was getting railed by a guy named Jim Power. I don't know, I don't care. It was just fucking weird. And then on an elevator today, two black guys were debating which one looked like Kunta Kinte and which looked like Toby. Uhhhhh...? WTF? Weren't they same guy? Is there some pop culture reference I missing?
Naw that's just par for the course with marsupials: http://grist.org/list/kangaroo-genitals-are-weirder-than-you-ever-thought-possible-2/ They also have a "branching penis", like snakes and lizards have. What the ever fuck, right?