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2012, TIB Style

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by PIMPTRESS, Jul 1, 2011.

  1. AlmostGaunt

    AlmostGaunt
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    Since I love hypotheticals and vicious popularity contests:

    1. Any of the posters from the Advice Board. If I've learned anything about the apocalypse, it's that the secret to victory is contained deep within the skulls of the retarded. M-O-O-N, that spells disposable labour force for suicide missions! (I was initially going to go with Durbanite as he has experience living in an inhospitable wasteland crowded with dangerous natives and wouldn't be any competition for the women, but then I thought he might create a bomb and try to kill my Free Zone committee. Ahem.)

    2. CrownRoyal - someone's going to have to raise the kids, and it sure as fuck isn't going to be me. Crown, your job will be to blame the apocalypse on deplorable 21st century pop culture phenomenons in hilariously hyperbolic fashion, while changing nappies and raising the next generation of TiBlets. If I can't find Crown as his shed turned out not to be the ideal apocalypse resistant dwelling, I will substitute $100T2, but only if he brings his dog. Also, first order of business will be to kidnap that dog.

    3. Nettdata - someone's going to have to organize the group, and it sure as fuck isn't going to be me. I'm good at the big picture strategizing, but I'm not cut out for imposing my will on a disparate group of reprobates, whereas Net has at least 2 years of experience disciplining us all. As well as at least 2 years of experience in all sorts of useful things. Also, since we'll be staying at his house to enjoy his generator, fresh water, and Harvey Wallbangers, inviting him only seems polite.

    4. Roxanne - having people who are confident, outspoken, and able to adapt is crucial for morale, and this is the idealized version of Roxanne I've constructed from about 400 words worth of internet musings. Also, I'd like to maintain a link to civilized times and memories of better days, so it's important that I spend my days in the company of women that are out of my league and not interested in me. Other potential candidates are already deep in e-flirtation with Nett, and he needs to keep his mind on the details that will keep me in comfort, so they're dead to me.

    5. Now this is tricky. Savage Henry would be my first choice, for his overall wisdom, calm temperament, medical knowledge, and ability to be baited when I started discussing the healing power of reiki crystals. However, since he no longer posts, I am trapped on the horns of a dilemma. We need someone to do the heavy lifting - I think LHProp1 would be a great dark horse candidate, as he is presumably capable of raising a barn by himself while making wry quips for my amusement. However, Mya strikes me as very practical and skilled in medicine, and could also keep Roxanne entertained while Nettdata teaches the guys how to build a car from scratch. Actually, who am I kidding, I just really love her avatar. The only way to decide between them is for them to fight to the death. Seems unfair? Consider the old adage "who are you more afraid of? The giant who has broken into your house to steal a loaf of bread to feed his starving children but thinks it's wrong, or the 4 foot tall woman who believes you murdered her children?". If the contest goes well, the winner will also be responsible for training the gladiators for my circuses.

    Honorable mention: LessTalk MoreStab - let's face it, without booze I'd be pretty happy to just call it a day and offer myself to the flesh eating zombies. A man with brewing experience is essential to my wellbeing, although you'd need to learn how to build and operate a still in addition to your beer brewing necessities.

    All of you picking the armed survival types - I'd prefer to avoid the local warlords rather than invite them into Nett's house.

    Survival strategy: well, it's going to take me a while to get from Perth, Australia to... wherever the fuck Nett lives, so I'd have to ask Mother Abigail to psychically summon my e-party. By the time I get to Canada, I imagine Nett will have constructed an impregnable fortress, dredging a mobius strip-shaped channel into his lake so that we have perpetual hydropower. Roxanne will plan the daring rescue which frees me from the Government agents / zombies / BrianH's militia, which Crown will reluctantly execute while suggesting I be trapped in a barrel with a family of camel spiders for the inconvenience, and noting the similarities to Post Apocalyptic Zombie Strippers 4: Evil Never Dies. As they triumphantly carry me into Nett's stronghold, Savage Henry / Mya will patch my non-life-threatening wounds, and in my fever dreams they will look like Monica Belluci. This might be awkward for Savage Henry, but his fear of my death would make him feel morally obligated to play along, so I could die happy. That's just the kind of guy he is. Then, we'd kick back and chill, subsisting on Nett's vast stocks of top quality booze and bear meat, while we sent the Advice Board poster on a spiritual quest to find the cure / sacrifice to God / learn a vital truth. Sorted.
     
  2. Primer

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    You're the only one I would bring, baby. You and I will watch the world burn together.
     
  3. JoeCanada

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    Hotwheelz: I would use him as bait for good samaritans thinking he's been left by the side of the road for the crows, then I would jump out from behind the bushes, hit them with a shovel, and take all their stuff. Or, if no good samaritans come by, I can catch the crows. Win win.

    PIMPTRESS: As long as her dumb kids don't have to come along.

    Google Adsense bot: If I learned anything from Fallout: New Vegas, it's that's a a robot companion is very useful in the post apocalyptic world. They can carry your shit and they shoot lasers at bad guys.

    Pff, I don't even need two others. We're set.

    Also,
     

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  4. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
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    Well if we were picking people based on sassiness, I'd know who'd I'D pick.

    Isn't she the one that had a bunch of posts about how long she worked on household stuff? Do you WANT our post-apocalyptic fallout shelter to get covered in dust? What happens if another roving band comes by?
     
  5. Pinkcup

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    Shhh...don't listen to him, baby. It's not inequality if you ask nicely. Also, since I'll be staring at your navel all day, you'll have the cleanest bellybutton this side of the Mississippi. You made a fine choice.
     
  6. PIMPTRESS

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    The kids are an interesting choice. They could be dinner, in a pinch. Or bait...


    it's not like they're in diapers or some tedious shit like that. They are hella loud though. Hmmm, decisions, decisions...
     
  7. DAMAGGOT

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    I really do not know anyone here well enough to pick people, however I know the strategy i would choose to stay alive. This process is simple yet effective in a zombie scenario. The plan? Costco!

    Costco. by itself is an amazing place structurally to hold up in. The front entrance is usually blocked by a fence or metal slide down, the walls are a thick concrete and the loading bays are locked by an equally solid force as the front. Once you are in Costco. (which for all practical purposes shall now be referred to as Def-con 4) you will have just about everything needed to survive for a couple of months at the least. Who the fuck wants to hunt rabbits or feed on the maggots of your fallen comrades? I sure as hell don't! I want to enjoy the frozen, prepackaged, pre-sliced goods already awaiting my consumption. Def-con 4 has barbecues, food, clothes, entertainment, sporting equipment, camping supplies and enough throw pillows to make a record breaking pillow fort! Have a headache? go to the pharmacy and get some advil. Power go out? Fucking generators. Hungry? The weight of beef jerky you could consume rivals the weight of some African countries populous.



    As for board members, I would be down to chill with JoeCanada. I mean, we both weren't picked to be the most survivable people on this board it would seem. Plus, he has an avatar with a kitten sandwich, that's cool I guess.
     
  8. Juice

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    This is why I love this place. The focus was, "Who would you bring with you?" and it quickly turned into, "Who would you cannibalize or unregrettably sacrifice?"
     
  9. Firefnd1982

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    I think PIMPTRESS wins then for suggesting we could eat her children.

    *EDIT*
     
    #49 Firefnd1982, Jul 12, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  10. $100T2

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    Honestly, I wouldn't pick any of you fuckers.

    (Yes, I'm having rum.)

    Bottom line, the guys all pick girls, like any of them would go, "Oh, gee, let me fuck you." All of them would eat each others' beavers far before they'd fuck you guys. Hey, just being honest.

    If it was 2012, and the world was ending, I'd stay home. My town has under 10k people. Odds are, I'd be the only person in a 12 mile radius. However, in that 12 mile radius, there are plenty of bars and liquor stores, so me, the wife, the kids, Tonka and assorted other animals would live large.

    Fuck picking people, I'd pull an "I am Legend" and pick cars. Remember the scene where he's tearing ass through NYC in a Shelby Mustang? That'd be me. Except I'd be at the Ferrari/Lamborghini/Porsche dealer. I wouldn't care about humanity, I wouldn't care about repopulating the Earth. Give me my wife, kids and dog and a bunch of fast cars and gas stations, I'd be all set.

     
    #50 $100T2, Jul 12, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  11. Dude

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    I'd want to put my group together based off of people who (seem to) have their shit together and could work out whatever problems we came across. Sorry to all you armed forces folk, but the military mindset and I generally don't go well together, so you guys are out.

    Guy Fawkes and Aetius strike me as more levelheaded and a good deal more laid back than a lot of you idiots.

    DixieBandit because I feel he would add a degree of knowledge about guns and stealing cars and such.

    Dr. Rob as a negotiator

    and finally, $100T2 because he'd be happy with my survival strategy:

    We'd take on the wasteland with Mad-Max style, driving around in fast cars with flamethrowers and shit stealing other groups' food and wimmen. Probably wouldn't last for a long time (Especially if we ran into BrianH's base) but we'd have a hell of a lot more fun than Captain Costco and his crew.
     
  12. Frank

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    ...and...

    You know what, fuck you, you're not invited to my birthday now.
     
  13. Chirpy

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    I want the best, the brightest, and those who have cockroach-like nasty survival skills. That said, it’s almost impossible for me to narrow down to just five. If I HAD to pick, I’d go with

    Geigs – Number one, hands down choice. While he’s not a regular on this board anymore, I still remember him for being just a real renaissance man. Strong as an ox and smart as a whip, anyone would be a fool not to include him in the top five. He’s got a phd, works in the scientific realm, is terribly funny, and just a brilliantly quick mind. Plus if we’re talking about whether or not I’d get eaten, I’m not sure that’d be a bad thing coming from him.

    Aetius – he’s like Gilligan’s Island’s professor and McGuyver rolled into one.

    Blue Dog – someone’s got to cook for us and make it tasty...he'll even hunt and fish for us. Plus, he’d be the first to figure out how to make moonshine if alcohol was in short supply.

    This is where it gets difficult…
    I don’t want to repopulate the earth alone, so I’d have to take Tweetybird or Shegirl to help me out. Tweety has a cool, positive demeanor which would be an asset to any group dynamic and future kid and Shegirl has the height and smarts that would be perfect. She and I will teach the world how to communicate properly again.

    Guy Fawkes is in because he’s got incredible negotiating skills that could probably get us out of some seriously sticky situations. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll just shoot the bastard.

    Noland is in for his level-headedness and ability to see the bottom line in any issue/problem/situation. The man went through Katrina...that's the closest to the world ending in my book. Win. (And truthfully, I just like him.)

    Oh well, that's seven--I suck at making decisions.

    Fuck it, just give me geigs and I'm good.
     
  14. Stealth

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    LOL, eat me huh.

    With the world gone to shit and no law and order to worry about, I might not last a year but there would be hell to pay for anyone that crossed me while I was around.

    As for Scootah, I'm wondering whether he would go down the Mad Max 2, Humungous path or the Mad Max 3, Blaster half of Master Blaster path.
     
  15. DrFrylock

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    It's not like he would have trouble finding a hyperintelligent little person obsessed with pig farming to ride on his back all day long.
     
  16. Stealth

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    Given that scenario, if I survived, I can think of three people in particular (non - TIB'ers) that I would want to track down and then maim, torture and kill. If they were already dead, they would have gotten off very lightly.