1001 Rules for my Unborn Child

http://rulesformyunbornson.tumblr.com/

500. A good sandcastle is never finished.

499. Don’t miss the team photo.

FOCUS: We can do better. Rules for your unborn (or born you old fucks) child?

 

I hate this sanctimonious shit.

498. If you can talk to a man and figure out what he wants, what he's afraid of, and what he can't see about himself, you will understand 98% of human relationships.

497. If you understand what you want, what you're afraid of, and are open enough to let other people tell you what you can't see about yourself, you will be able to avoid 75% of the problems in your life.

496. The other 25% are caused by other people or mother nature, and there's shit little you can do about them.

495. Enjoy every sandwich. (<-- not mine).

 

Haven't we done this sanctimonious shit 1001 times?

501. Even though I've barely learned to wipe my own ass, I going to espouse deep, meaningful, life lessons to the rest of the world. (somebody better get me some ice cream - see R&R thread for reference)

 

Don't repeat yourself for assholes. Fuck em if they didn't listen the first time.

 

Tip heavy. An extra five from you can make the night of someone working their ass off.

 

See how useless you are to me? Use condoms.

 

Never, ever, trust a fart.

 

• Don't buy a motorcycle until your own children are grown and out of the house. By then it will be okay for you to die.
• Be good. And when you can't be good, be careful.
• The glass is never half empty. Mom will always be there for you (with more beer).
• Don't send dick pics.

 

Some things you can't change. Everything else you can.

Become the person you want to be.

Nothing in this world comes without work. Work, work, work, hard work.

 

Be who you want to be. Want to be more than you are.


This is always a good place for Oscar Wilde:

"Most people live for love and admiration. But it is by love and admiration that we should live."

 

Man Rule #1: There is always an exception to the rule.

EDIT: I do want to say though that I like a lot of the things that get posted on that site, mainly because most of them have to do with just being a gentleman and an upstanding member of society.

"501. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down."

That is something I would absolutely teach my son if I had one.

 

Don't be a dick.

 

Be the person your dog thinks you are.

 

You can always judge a man by the firmness of his handshake and the shine on his shoes.

 

When the time comes give your kids good names. A good test is, "Does this sound like the name of a judge or the name of a stripper working the lunch shift at the Boom Boom Room?"

 

Do something right the first time, it will save you from having to redo it.

 

Perspective will keep you humble.

You choose to be happy with what you have.

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal.

 

If you tell a girl that she's a bad person for putting out, don't be surprised when she doesn't put out for you.

 

I will not praise you for your traits. I will praise you for your actions.

I will not demand from you anything I am unwilling to give.

Show compassion and be kind to one another, but do not be doormats for anyone.

Clean up after yourself and learn how to cook. Both are essential life skills.

So is knowing a trade. Learn how to DO something, so you'll always have a way to earn money.