I had a friend tell me a story the other day about a buddy of his. I guess this guy is a normal, cool, regular guy who just had his girlfriend break up with him. Why did she dump him? Because he came to bed one night in a Darth Vader outfit, complete with voice changer, and proudly proclaimed in the deep Vader voice: "I want to fuck you". Apparently she wasn't into that and couldn't date anybody that actually wanted to fuck her as Darth Vader. FOCUS: What crazy sexual perversions/fantasies have you encountered? Either something you wanted or something your significant other wanted. I'm sure there are some funny stories out there, whether it be the things people are into, how that conversation actually went down, how things didn't go quite according to plan, etc.
A little off topic, but a friend of mine had a friend who had never had sex before. When he eventually lost his virginity, at the end of sex the girl asked him to pee on her. He duly obliged, and that was that. However, since it was his first time, he thought that pissing on a girl after climaxing was normal practice. He then proceeded to have sex with several different girls, urinating on each one of them post-orgasm. It wasn't until the 3rd or 4th girl that one of them got pissed and told him that peeing on your partner after sex wasn't normal. Kind of a pointless story, but still pretty amusing.
Hold on a second, the guy then fucked 3 or 4 more chicks before one of them said a word about it? What the fuck? Where is this happening, in Japan? A prison? A prison in Japan? I have absolutely no idea why someone would think that is normal. Had he never talked to any of his friends about finally getting laid a few times and pissing on the chick so no one could inform him it wasn't normal? You normally piss in a toilet why would someone think pissing on what you just.......actually I think I just answered my own question. Needless to say, if that would have happened to me he'd have a permeant kink in his pecker. My ex had a friend that had a threesome while he was outfitted with a halo. I don't know that I could get into anything seeing the screws in his head. I'm assuming all he did was lay there but, I never asked.
I grew up with a guy named Bob and Bob was the cookie-cutter good guy. He made good grades, played sports, went to church, obeyed his parents to the nth degree. Subsequently, Bob had as much sexual experience as the average third grader. He sort of knew the fundamentals of sex, but that was about as far as it went. I seriously doubt that Bob jacked off. I can guarantee that the first vagina he ever saw was connected to his wife, and on his wedding night. That being said, all Bob wanted was a good wife, a family, and a good job. He married the first serious girlfriend he ever had and there were married for about a year when I took him hunting. We got up early, found our spot, set the decoys and had about 45 minutes to kill before legal shooting light. I leaned back in my chair and lit a cigarette while idly talking about nothing until this happened: Bob: So, VanillaGorilla, you've had sex with more than one person, right? VG: Yep. Not a whole bunch or anything, but a few. Bob: Have they ever wanted you to do anything weird? VG: Kind of. Like what? I'm thinking that he was going to say that his wife liked to be spanked or tied up. Maybe she liked to be degraded or choked or something. I was ready to explain at least the basics of what turns someone on. Bob: Jenny likes it when I pee in her. What. The. Fuck. I'll never forget that I was bringing my cigarette to my lips when he said this and my hand froze about two inches from my face. VG: She what? Bob: She likes it when I pee in her. VG: Like, IN her? Like, in her vagina? Bob: Yeah. After we have sex. This was a fucking pandora's box of questions. How does someone even pull this off? Does he stay (presumably) on top of her until he goes flaccid then pees in her 'giner? Does he pee with a hard on? If he pees with a hard on, how does he bend over when he's inside of his wife? I mean, it's possible to pee with a boner, but it hurts like a bitch. Further, I barely understand soft fetises. How in the hell do I tell him that his one and only may have some pretty twisted shit rolling around in her head. VG: Hey man, lots of people are into different things. You know? Maybe your wife just likes being peed in. I would research it a little bit to make sure she's not going to hurt her parts or anything, but you know, different strokes for different folks. With that, we sat in the quiet for a little while longer while I tried very hard not to ask every question that came to mind.
I've never had a fantasy about my partner coming to bed in a Darth Vader outfit, but I sure as hell do now!
A guy I used to work with had a thing for the bigger girls in high school, and eventually married one of these girls. He was a weird guy, worked the night shift at the place and was into Wicca and all that jazz. One night I was working the 7pm-3am shift and me and a few of the other guys were talking about all the fucked up shit we have done over the years with girls when he walks over and starts talking about why he likes big girls so much. It's because they are easier to fist. He said, once you are able to get the right angle and move the overhanging gut, you can easily get elbow deep inside of them. His wife was probably about 325 and had the most massive gunt I have ever seen. He said they started off slow after sex, and would work four fingers until he could get his thumb in and then slowly work it until he was mid arm. He said when he could get elbow deep she would have the most intense orgasms ever. I told him he was just in a fat fold and not her vagina. He eventually cheated on her with her best friend. She was about 250 pounds and he said the fisting trend continued, even though she was 'very tight' at first (very tight apparently is after having two kids.) FOCUS: My fantasy is a mother/daughter blowjob. I don;t want them to touch themselves in anyway, but just to focus all the attention on me and my dick. I am BJ deprived, so yeah, this is my biggest fantasy right now.
See I think it would be better if you ran with quotes the entire time. "Mmm, yeah, Don't act so surprised your Highness...ugh..I find your lack of faith disturbing...yeah...The force is strong in this one...fuck yeah...This will be a day long remembered...oh yeah...The rebels are there...ugh...Impressive...here it comes baby...Give yourself to the Dark Side!!!!" Ehem...anyway, I now know what I'm doing Saturday night. Focus: I think I posted this on the other board. Several years ago I had a girlfriend who liked me to pee on her while we were in the shower. My shower had spot where a person could sit built into it, so she would sit there, my dick in hand, and ask me to let 'er rip. Thing is, she would then do this thing where she would "block the flow" by squeezing it, or using her thumb to stop, start, change directions and locations, and be greatly entertained by the whole thing. Doesn't that sound like a great time? Yeah, it's not. It's uncomfortable, gets really annoying when all I want to do is finish, not to mention it being more than just a little weird in the first place. I'm a pretty open minded guy, enjoy exploring things, and will indulge in fantasy with in reason, but peeing is something I'd rather do alone, all at once without employing a stop and start method, and preferably not all over the boobies I like to suck on. It's not a mental image I enjoy later while doing the sex. Still...she loved it. We didn't date too terribly long, as she had other issues as well, although I'm sure that's not too terribly shocking. Although I went along with it for a while, so I'm not sure what that says about me.
I had a friend who's boyfriend would only have sex with her if she put on pantyhose and cut a hole in them.
I've never really had too many out of control moments except for a few that just caught me off-guard. One, sweet little college freshman and I were hooking up. Things were normal and fun. Just when I'm getting on top of her, she goes "WAIT!"... Me:"What? are you not ready? too fast? (shes a freshman, Im not... i guess i have a soul)" Her:" I want you to choke me until I almost pass out" That turned into a fun relationship. The other girl asked me to give her a facial. I honestly asked her if I was on a hidden camera show.
I slid a cherry bullet popsicle into a girl many years ago. Started off with a coy smile and some titillative teasing. In the end though, I just wasn't mature enough not to launch that thing straight up to her pelvis. She never let me play with popsicles around her again.
Going along with the star wars theme, I did know a guy who fucked a girl dressed as Boba Fett. He wore the cape, helmet and boots and said it was the greatest moment of his life
Alright. Two things: 1. If you're a female and you're dating someone with a sense of humor, you HAVE been pissed on in the shower. You may not realize it since it feels the same as the shower water coursing down your legs, but while you're facing the shower head washing off all of that facial exfoliant....he's pissing on/dangerously near your feet. Trust. 2. I do this (the aiming thing, not the "piss on me" thing). I don't have penis envy AT ALL, and I absolutely LOVE my vagina. That being said, I wish to God I could aim at things with my genitals. Writing my name in the snow...sinking a piece of toilet paper with my whizz....not pissing down my leg if I have to pee outside...the possibilities are endless. And tantalizing. You may not realize how much amusement can be had from such things since you've been accustomed to being able to do those things your entire life. But some of us (or maybe just me and that girl) are curious. So I fool around with your junk during pee-pee time--no biggie. As the SO says..."If she's touching it, I'm not complaining." Focus: I've always wanted to somehow be able to rent a tropical island, build a rudimentary treehouse, and have me and my SO wear nothing but Tarzan/Jane-esque outfits. For days, I would do nothing but have faux-hysterical fits in a posh British accent about how unfortunate my plane wreckage was and how terrible it was to be stuck on an island full of savages--all while my strong and muscular Tarzan wooed me with gifts of bananas, flowers, and gutteral grunts. On about day 3, I would ideally like to be "attacked" by a wild animal and only narrowly saved from death by my "Tarzan"...and in my grateful state I would succumb to his coarse advances. We'd have very dirty, rough sex for days--lots of hair-pulling, grunting, throwing my fragile British body around, etc. Of course, we would stay in character the entire time. Yeah. Me likee.
This thread brought two horrible memories to mind. The first is a story my best friend's dad told me. When he was 17 or so he went deer hunting with another dude (Who ended up very well to do in our community). They split up and when my buddy's father heard a couple of shots he headed that direction to help with gutting the deer. From what was related to me he rounded a corner and found his friend fucking the dying quivers out of the deer. I don't know which is more fucked up, him watching his buddy fucking a dead deer or his buddy actually fucking a dead deer. The second story is probably best described as "Too much information that I don't care to know." A friend and his wife had a baby. A few weeks later he was lamenting to me about his lack of a sex life. That's all fine and good, but then he got graphic. He went on to describe how he masturbated and got off by sticking a finger up his ass. I sat there and stared at him vacantly thinking "There's no way in hell he just told me this shit" and apparently he saw the confused look on my face and said "Hey! It's my ass and my finger and if I put my finger up my own ass that doesn't make me gay." Why he cared to share that bit of information with me still baffles me.
I own an Optimus Prime helmet, complete with voice changer. I may have entered the bedroom, naked aside from the helmet, and humped the air repeatedly while screaming at my girlfriend through the voice changer that it was, "Time for all Auto-Bots to put out!" She was not impressed, and I didn't get to wear it during sex.
The Darth Vader dude could have rolled on one of those "glow in the dark" condoms and with all the lights out waved his cock around and made light sabre noises.
Do not trust. I have a sense of humor. I also have a sense of decorum. Never. Not once in the 13 years Mrs. Noland and I have been together have I pissed on her in the shower. I can't tell you how many times I've showered with her, but the number has a comma in it. However, I can tell you, with absolute surgical precision, how many times I've secretly pissed on her while in the shower. Zero.