I live with four other guys in a three story house, needless to say, when you're confined to a house during the winter months, you get to learn a lot about the living habits of others. Recently, we got talking about women we've had through the house. You know, throwing the bullshit around, telling wild stories about the women we've conquered and it was at this point my roommate who occupies the other basement room pipes up. Basement Roommate: "[Primer], you know I can hear you. Right?" Me: "Uh, what?" BMRM: "Yeah, everything; Her, you, the walls being destroyed, that nice touch at the end - which is somewhat disgusting by the way. It's like you're fucking right next to me." Me: "Oh. Was it good for you as well? Because when you and your women go at it, it's like free porn." Turns out that the sound is going down the hot air vents, into the furnace and back into the other persons room - through all of twenty feet of ducting. This got me thinking about the other times I've heard my roommates and had to endure that awkward morning; where she's trying to get out of the house as quietly as possible after a good, loud railing and I'm just trying to enjoy my morning coffee. Focus: Roommates; we've all had them, well, most of us. Ever walk in on your roommate jerking off to Hermione Granger? Ever walk in on some random chick, passed out on your couch at four in the morning when you get home, with her legs spread wide and not wearing underwear? Alt-focus: What music do you play when having sex? I've got a good library built up, so I might as well put it to use.
For one semester I dormed with this fatass shut-in who did nothing but eat McDonalds and watch movies on his laptop all day. He also kinda smelled. He also talked to his mom on the phone every night....for like an hour. It was weird. I figured the dude was a little messed up so I mostly just stayed out of his way. Lo and behold one Monday, after a weekend at home, I arrive to find he has a girlfriend and she is visiting from Canada. I find this out by walking into my room and seeing the most disgusting heaving fat-sex going down on an airbed on the floor. Why an airbed you ask? Because the two of them couldn't fit on his bed together. I'll never be able to get that visual out of my head, much less the sound of him thrusting god knows where on the airbed, all topped off with a disgusting stench that lasted for days. It was horrifying. I gathered my belongings and stayed at a friends place until she left. Alt Focus: Rolling Stones - Paint it Black
My freshman year of college I lived with a random roommate. That was a mistake. He was fat, socially awkward, not that bright, and really disgusting. He would just pile up garbage (like the dorm's takeout pizza boxes) next to his desk. The room stank constantly and I truly hope that the smell did not rub off on me during the day. However, perhaps most disgusting was what he used for porn. I don't know if he was scared to get real porn or this is just what turned him on, but he would go to piercing sites on the web. There, he would look at the "sample pictures". And he would do this while I was trying to sleep.
I could hear my roommate railing the shit out of his girl all the time, and our rooms were on separate sides of the apartment. If I had a girl with me at the time, we'd just start going at it and compete. Sidenote: In freshman year, a good buddy of mine shared a wall with his RA, a pudgy guy who shaved his head and kept a very long and red goatee. He also had a bullring through his nose. He basically looked like a troll. His girlfriend was this tiny little thing and he apparently banged her mercilessly. I remember my roommate reenacting the noise by pounding his fist against his open palm rapidly. Alt. Focus: I like to start with Sinatra's Summer Wind, then segue into Powerhouse (starting at 1:25). Then I finish with Spin Doctors - Two Princes (If you've never busted to the Spin Doctors, do it. You'll thank me)
The worst roommate experience I had was when I decided to room with my childhood best friend when we were twenty three and hadn't spoken in roughly 4 years. Things that I wish I would've known before hand. 1 That he firmly believed 9/11 was an "inside job". 2 That Alex Jones spoke nothing but the gospel. 3 That there is a mass conspiracy to wipe out 90 percent of the population by such things as high fructose corn syrup. 4 That cleaning was optional as was picking up his jag rags that would be littered throughout the house. 5 Why work when I can have my overbearing mother foot the bill? I could rant about this all day but its irritating me thinking about it. Oh yeah how could I forget number six have his obnoxious vegan girlfriend over for months at a time to the point where I had to say it was either me or her staying there because I'm not paying extra to have her patchouli smelling ass living in my domain.
I lived in a house on a chicken ranch where they harvested eggs. When the wind changed direction or when it was going to rain this acrid smell would settle in the back of your throat. Fucking awful. But I paid $300 in rent and had a yard and lived with my best friend and another guy who was tolerable. Problem arose when a fourth person moved in. This was because he was a friend of the house and in a bad spot. Okay fine. He can move in. This fucker never, ever cleaned. When he opened his room a smell that I cannot describe to you emanated. For real and not for play I thought that fucker had a dead body in there. I saw in there a few times and it was thigh deep in just mounds and mounds of crap. All of the saucepans in the house were devoted to old Top Ramen water. Someone buys cereal? That shit is gone in 12 hours. Then this fucker brought his moms dog to the house 'temporarily'. This dog was never bathed, rarely fed and never given water. I watched that for two weeks and got pissed. Fuck man, I'll take care of the dog. He spent every moment either watching porn in his room or monopolizing the big community TV playing Morrowind.
I have never had the misfortune of any bad roommates, but my best friend just finished up her first year and had one hot mess of a roommate. The following is an excerpt from a Facebook message she sent me from within the first week of school:
I first moved out of home when I was 22, with 2 of my friends - well, 1 friend and 1 aquaintence really. It was a pretty nice townhouse....when we moved in. By the end it was barely fit for human life. After about 4 months, my friend moved back in with his parents, because he just couldn't manage his money. So now I was stuck with the aquaintence, and we were kind of fucked....we really relied on that extra money. We ended up taking in some random dude who put an ad in the classifieds who was looking for an apartment. He was kinda weird, but he worked nights as a chef in some hotel, so we barely saw him, and he usually bought left over food home, so we figured it was win win. After about 2 months, the night gig devolved into a "whenever the fuck I feel like working" job, which seemed to be never. But he kept paying his share, so we never questioned it. He had this goth girlfriend who never made a sound, except when this dude was fucking her. She liked to scream her fucking lungs out whenever something was near her vagina. One night it got too much. I had a physiology final the next day, and I was cramming for this exam. After about 2 hours of the endless screaming, I hammered on the fucking wall yelling for her to shut the fuck up. Immediately, the house goes deathly quiet. About 5 minutes later, my door opens up, and she walks in completely naked. I'm staring at her dumbfounded, and she puts her fingers to her lips in the shhh sign, and then proceeds to kneel down, pull my cock out of my pants and suck my dick. It was one of those occasions where I had no idea how I should react, so I just went with it. This chick is just starting to get her rythym going when I notice movement, and I look up to see dude standing in the doorway staring at us and jacking off. It freaked me the fuck out, so I jumped up and yelled at him to fuck off. I don't know if he was close, or the yelling got him off, but 2 seconds later, this cocksucker nuts all over the carpet in my room. I was just about to completely lose it, when this goth chick stands up, and then rubs all the cum into the carpet with her toes. I was completely fucking speechless. They both walked back into his room stark naked, and they started to pack up his shit. For the rest of the night they dumped his crap into his car, and we never saw him again. 2 weeks later, a check for $300 showed up in the mail. He was creepy, but at least not a deadbeat.
I've never really had any horrible roommate experiences. The usual thing where they refuse to do the dishes and such. The big thing that stands out with me was my senior year of college. I lived with a friend in his house. He had graduated the year before and was working at his own business. Since he owned his own business he would always start his day after me so I would use the bathroom first. The few days he actually got up before me he would always leave me a little surprise in the bathroom. I would go downstairs and lift up the toilet seat to take a piss and there would be a massive log floating in the toilet. ALWAYS when he woke up before me. One day I asked him WTF was up with that and he said that he took a duce before he showered and didn't want to flush the toilet and make his shower cold. I told him he better start flushing or he would find that gift left in his room. Things got better after that.
Isn't this thread supposed to be about our roommates fucking/masturbation habits? And what we fuck to? We seem to have gotten derailed from that. My douche bag soccer playing roommate used to nail his flat chested girl friend to Dave Mathews. They wouldn't usually fuck when I was in the room, but God damn it I can't help but hear her sucking his dick in my mind when 'Satellite' comes on the radio. Although, that might just be the natural ambient background noise Dave Mathews band has... Either way I guess it makes sense.
My freshman year of college I had a roommate who apparently had no shame, because he would jerk off all the time while I was in the room. Sometimes it was while I was asleep, other times when I was just walking into the room, and sometimes he'd just whip it out and start goin' at it. After many a what the fuck moments and "Dude, will you stop touching yourself when I'm here?", I finally had enough and just went to the housing guy and told him that I cannot live with that fucker any longer. I ended up moving in with an Indian guy, who for the most part was pretty cool except for two things. One, the room always smelled like curry. Always. And two, he would talk on the phone for HOURS on end, during which time he would talk about absolutely nothing. Once I heard him giving a detailed description of how he does his laundry to the poor sap on the other end. "I have to bring my clothes down to the laundry room, put them in the washing machine, put the detergent in, turn the machine on, and then come back upstairs and do some work and then go back downstairs to takeitoutofhtemaachiena dfnAUGHSHUTUP. All in a really heavy Indian accent.
Not my story, rather my brother's. It sounds ridiculous, but he swears it's true. His friends who met the roommate say it seems entirely plausible. Plus, he'd been telling my dad how weird the guy was, and did in fact move out abruptly. Pretty sure this is way worse than walking in on the dude jackin' it. When he was a master's student, he had a roommate at his apartment. I don't know whether they knew each other ahead of time, but this guy was weird. Really weird. Little stuff, to the point where my brother is uncomfortable around the dude but he hasn't really don't anything big enough to make a big deal over it. After about two months, he came home one day, opened the door, and saw his roommate on the couch watching cartoons, with his back to the door. The roommate turns around....with a jar of jelly in one hand, and his entire face covered in jelly. Not his mouth. His entire face. Like this, but with strawberry jelly: The stare at each other for like, twenty seconds. My brother is too shocked and confused to say anything. The guy then says, "What?! Don't judge me." My brother says, "Oh no, of course not," and quickly goes to his room. To pack his bags and never come back again.
I lived with an acquaintance about a year ago. It was a really shitty apartment. Some windows were cracked, the walls were dirty (when we first moved in), and the bathroom door had about 2 inches of open space at the top. One day, I was getting ready to go out to lunch with someone; I was showering, and my roommate was at work. Or so I thought he was. I always looked into the crack of the bathroom door because we didn't have a shower curtain and I always felt paranoid. He proved my paranoia correct. When I looked up, he was there, standing on a chair, watching me take a shower. After that, I never took a shower in that apartment again, I always went to our upstairs neighbor's apartment to take a shower.
When I was about 19 I moved in with a couple of my friends in a (really quite nice) three floor house. I slept in the attic, and they had the three bedrooms on the floor below (they only slept in one). At the time I worked a shift job the next town over, so I was usually out the door before they were even out of bed. Unfortunately for me, on my days off, I found out that they like to start their days by having the NOISIEST sex I have ever encountered. Seriously, all I would hear was Cats high pitched yelping at 7:30am. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I had a day off. The only other terrible fucking habit I've known was when I spent a christmas in Norway with a couple of my friends. The last night we were there, we had to be up really early. They're in the room above me, so naturally all I hear is a constant *thud* *thud* *thud* every 10 seconds, without fail, for 5 hours.
My senior year, I lived in a house with 5 other guys: a triathlete, a Navy ROTC, (both of them were narcissists) a gay dude, a co-op student who was engaged (his fiance was a great cook--waffles for breakfast and lasagne and cheesecake for dinner every Sunday!), and the OCD dude. He did all the cleaning. Alt. focus: Then: Ride of the Valkyries. Now: The Minute Waltz.
Before Wife™ and I started living together, I had 2 of the shittiest roommates imaginable. Man and a woman. They were a couple. They were both lazy and extremely filthy. I could easily rant for hours about them, but I won't. Here's a small sample: 1. He showered once a week. She showered once every 4 or 5 days. 2. He only did laundry once a month. When he needed clean socks or underwear, he'd buy them new. His clothes always smelled like cigarette smoke and body odor. 3. Apartment building had a garbage chute and they refused to use it. They went out and bought one of those big aluminum (or whatever) garbage cans for the kitchen. I kept using a smaller can and dropping the bags down the chute like a normal person. They'd fill a big garbage bag and toss it onto the balcony. When there were 3 or 4 bags out there, they'd finally take them out. One would carry the bags to the elevator while the other wiped up the trail of rancid water that was now leaking everywhere. 4. When it was his turn to wash the dishes, he'd purposely put it off until someone else did them. He'd then immediately assure us that he was "just going to wash those" without taking his eyes off of the TV. I don't miss them. Not one bit. And I don't even want to think about those unhygienic bastards fucking.
My only roomate ever was my friend El Nino, a 6'3" Gold Glove blessed without the ability the feel impulse control. He's the toughest person I've ever met in my life and he and my other friends would regularly ambush me while sleeping: launching me across the room using the mattress as a catapult, dumping tubs of cocoa butter on my face, or just beating the piss out of me in my sleep. It's hard to get revenge on somebody that could kill a person with one punch, but he's a friend and he appreciated my bravery whenever I picked a fight with him, despite the fact that I'm (along with anybody I've met) no match for him. I also hate the fucker because he has CK model-good looks and can get any woman he wants just by snapping his fucking fingers. Don't get me wrong, though. He's a great guy. He's the funniest and most unflinchingly evil person I know, and can crush a person's entire inflated self esteem in twenty seconds flat. He'd also die to protect his friends, he works hard and he puts his son ahead of everything in life. We're still close friends, and always will be.
In my first place out of college I had a crackwhore (literally) renting a room in the basement. She was absolutely crazy, bipolar to the point of yelling insults and threats at you for no reason, then coming back 5 minutes later like nothing happened and volunteering to help you with laundry, cleaning or painting around the house. One random Sunday night I came home to find her alone in the kitchen, standing up with her head down talking nonsense to herself. I had to leave the front door open as I had was moving some stuff into my room, she somehow broke out of her stupor, ran to the front door while I was walking towards it about ten feet away with a heavy box and yelled something along the lines of "this is my house too you fucking cocksucker, I have to pay the fucking heat bill too" and slammed the door in my face... it was June. When she moved in she was a pre-school teacher for a school in the neighborhood, within 3 months she was fired for getting into a physical fight with her mom where the police had to be called in. Before the incident she had about 3 guys that would come over regularly to "visit" her, each guy had a designated night (ie. a Monday guy a Wednesday guy...) that they would come over about once or twice a month. After she was fired she had more frequent visits from more guys and started paying her rent in cash. Myself and the other roommates decided to kick her out after a particular incident. I went downstairs to the living room and found a 6 year old girl standing in the room by the doorway, not sitting and watching TV or anything, just standing there waiting. Me: Are you alright? do you need something? are you here to see one of my roommates? Her: My dad is visiting [female roommate] That fucking killed me, this dude had his daughter wait in the living room of 5 complete strangers while he fucked some crackwhore in the basement. I still regret not calling child services. Unfortunately by the time we were ready to kick her out she was arrested again and put into rehab so we moved all her shit into a different part of the basement and had to wait a few months for her family take it out. Alt Focus: I was having drunk sex with a fuckbuddy when "Walking in Memphis" came on her play-list, I broke out singing the chorus and laughing uncontrollably. She didn't let me finish and that was the last time I hooked up with her.
Alt-Focus: This song is the sexiest, most passionate, most tear-off-my-goddamn-clothes-and-fuck-me-raw-right-now-Big-Boy song of all: and for all you romantics out there, the best fuck-throbbing beats of all time....
Focus: Back in college, me and 2 of my roomates one afternoon decided to drop by unannouced at one of our friends place just to hang out and drink a few cold ones. Just to give a little bit of back story, this friend of ours was renowned for being the guy who could annhiliate anyone in a conversation of wits, pick any subject at all he had an opinion and facts to back them up. He was also a very keen tennis player (which will become relevant in a second). He was cool though, etremely sarcastic, a funny guy and we all got along with him, but secretly we waited for the day we could 'shut him up'. Well God was smiling on us this fateful day as we stopped by his place. He used to live with 2 other guys we knew and unbeknownst to us, they were both out of town for the weekend, so he thought he had the place to himself. Now for some reason, our friend and his roomates never seemed to lock their front door and everytime we stopped over we would just let ourselves in. Well, cue 3 of us walking through the front door and we hear that the tv is on to what sounds like tennis (it was the US open at the time) turning into the living room, we see that it is indeed tennis. Mens tennis in fact. We then see our buddy sitting on the couch with his blue dressing gown open whacking it off. Hard. Everything all of a sudden then happened in super slow motion. - We look at him - He looked at us - We look at the tv - He looks at the tv and for that split second (which felt like an eternity), he is motionless, then he quickly covers himself up and excitedly yells "Noooo!!" then picks and holds aloft (almost triumphantly) a hustler mag he had on the couch (which we couldn't see when we walked in). My roomates and I all burst into fits of laughter, extreme laughter (mixed with some relief). Any conversation or argument we had after that with our friend resulted in one of us adding: "...Well, at least I don't jerk it to mens tennis" That would pretty much kill any comeback he had. It was also used in normal day-to-day conversation. - "..Dude I tried calling....were you whacking off to mens tennis again?" The list was endless. The guy is a Doctor now. True story.