To add to the running theme: We were visiting Colorado Springs on year, and the day before we arrived they had held the Pike's Peak Marathon. Apparently, during the race one of the leaders had to shit really bad. So he did the logical thing: he stopped in the middle of the road, dropped trou, squatted, and shat in the middle of the street. Unfortunately for him, an on-looking newspaper photographer did the logical thing as well: he stepped out into the middle of the street, and took a picture of the guy shitting. The front page of the newspaper that next day was that picture. Whoops. I couldn't find the story, but I imagine it looked something like this: NSFW
One of my first experiences with sharting myself came back in around 7th or 8th grade. My elementary school used to have those lame school dances, and a friend and I went to make a bathroom break. I start letting loose a few farts I was holding in throughout the night. Feeling confident, I kept letting them rip until I feel like I'm totally cleaned out...I put just a little too much oomph on the last blast, and I feel a whole lot of squishiness between my ass cheeks. I lock myself in the stall and spent half the night cleaning the mess out of my Space Jam Boxers. Instead of grinding on my female classmates, I spent the rest of the dance on a chair because I just couldn't go through the rest of the night knowing what I done.
The phantom turd. I was driving back from the police academy, 80 miles from home. Not too many places to use a bathroom, at least not when you need 'em. somewhere around 40 miles from the nearest bathroom (and no good place to hide in the woods, either) I felt the sweats and the familiar feeling of a super shit hitting me. Now, I was in uniform, in a patrol car, and being one of the worst super shits I have ever felt, I had no choice. I let go. It felt like a soft, steamy lump in my pants. It stunk. I finally found a restroom, waddled inside( not occupied, thank god) and dropped my pants. There was nothing there. I checked my boxers, pants leg, ect. Where it went, I have not a clue. I suppose it was a gas bubble, but it felt soo real.
I went to the bar down the street from where I lived and met up with this girl who I had been talking to for awhile. I drank a lot of alcohol that day starting at 5 PM and Chevy's happy hour [$3 margaritas are dangerous] and finished by drinking beer. I went to take a piss and was hoping to relieve a little gas but instead I could feel some shit come out. I quickly finished pissing, literally RAN with shit in my pants up the street in about four minutes. I threw my clothes in the washing machine minus the shit boxers which I tossed in the garbage. I jumped in the shower for a quick cleanup and quickly walked back to the bar. Total time away was about fifteen minutes. When I got back the girl wondered where I disappeared because she couldn't find me anywhere. I told her that my little sister, who was in her first year of college, called me crying with a crisis and I had to talk to her. That actually scored me some points. And I took this girl home. Not bad for a dude who had just had shit running down his leg a few hours before.
I love chili in my food. My GI tract does not. I usually win the battle and then lose the war on this. On Sunday I was at my brother's house and he makes great garlic and chili chicken, which we had for lunch. And he makes it hot. So I ate four pieces. I realise at this point that I'm a dumbass, and I will pay for it tomorrow. I do it anyway. Monday lunch time I go out to grab some noodles. As I'm standing in line I feel a little cramp in my guts. I know what this means, but I figure I've got time. There's no public restrooms close by and I can hold it until I get back to work. By the time I get back into the car, things are a little more urgent. It's a five minute drive back to work. It'll be painful, but I figure I can make it, so I clench everything I've got and drive. The cramps are setting in rhythmically but I don't have much choice but to live with it. I pull into the parking lot and sprint/waddle to the rest room trying to look as nonchalant as possible. No one says anything, so I consider I'm doing okay. Holding it in is generally easier in motion, so I make it there fine. We have a common mens room on our floor, so after I lock the stall I spread toilet paper on the seat before I sit down. My butt decides that it's waiting long enough and this little idiosyncracy is not a vital step just as I finish. So I quickly drop my trousers and turn to sit. Unfortunately the slight act of bending and unclenching results in a spray over the left half of the seat. It's too late to do anything about that and I'm committed, so I sit with one cheek on the clean side, and the other cheek in the air and wait until the cramps subside enough to move. Luckily the paper caught most of it and clean up was relatively easy. Fucking chicken. And that's why I spread paper before I sit down too. To add insult to injury, my noodle box dripped sauce all over my tan pants as I was getting out of the car.
Many of you have probably heard of Orlistat or its over the counter cousin Alli. Several years ago I was losing weight and stalled out around 230 lbs, down 120 from my starting point, and I really wanted to get below 200. One of my friends found a way to order Orlistat online so we could bypass the USDA and skip getting a perscription. For those not familiar this drug coats your intestines so that they do not absorb much of the fat in the food you eat; the side effect is that you shit oil in colors based on the foods you eat (generally some shade of orange or red). You cannot fart without sitting on a toilet because every fart allows the release of separated fat. Compound this with my use of a low carb, high protien diet to lose weight with a lot of exercise, including running like many others have posted. Three weeks into taking the pills, i'm down 20lbs (it really does work) and laughing about my brother carrying extra underwear in his briefcase, golf bag, car, and anywhere else he may need it. The Karma gods (as someone else mentioned) are very cruel. I'm grocery shopping after a breakfast of bacon and eggs and I had a mental lapse when I needed to fart, realized almost immediately that I had a problem. The worst part of sharting oil is that it soaks through everything quickly. Of course I went to the bathroom instantly but the damage was done. Light colored cargo shorts and orange oil do not mix well. I was forced to leave my cart half full and beat a hasty retreat back to the house for a shower and a fresh set of clothing. I refused to enter that store for several weeks after the incident. Side note, I know several people who have used this weight loss aide and not a single one has made it without some incident or incidents. It is deadly but very effective for weight loss. Second side note, Slipping this into someone's food would be a hilarious practical joke but the repercussions may not be worth the laugh.
I totally forgot about this one... I peed myself backstage during a performance. It wasn't nerves...it was because I drank way too much water and couldn't keep up with enough bathroom trips. I remember thinking, "Wow. That just happened. And, there's nothing I can do about it right now." I spent the next hour in my urine-drenched costume. That was really embarrassing because the costume people cleaned our costumes every night and probably weren't amused by handwashing my pee out. So everybody found out. I still get shit from people who were there.
Slightly off-focus - this weekend at my cousins house, his dog took a piss in my bed while I was doing one of my own in the bathroom. As you can guess, no-one believes that it was his dog who urinated in that bed. Never mind the fact that the wet patch on the bed was centred around my knees and I'm not that gifted. Fuck my cousin and his stupid bitch dog.