I had the opportunity to have the most awkward conversation of my life with my girlfriend's father. Dads can be tough, this is different. I've been dating her for 5 years, and her parents are from Taiwan. I've met them one other time for a few days. I went to Taiwan to visit them, and I sat next to her dad for 3 hours alone on a flight. It should be noted that he doesn't speak english very well. Dad: How much did this flight cost? pow: I'm not sure, she did the booking. Dad: Did you pay for the flight? pow: I paid for the flight, yes. Dad: Then how do you not know the price? pow: I gave her a check for multiple things, one was this flight. Dad: What other things did you pay for? pow: Dinners, another flight, things like that. Dad: What other flights? pow: To Spain, for a wedding. Dad: Why did she not tell me about this? pow: I'm not sure. This is where his brow wrinkles. Dad: In Spain, how many hotel room do you have? pow: She booked it, I'm not sure. Dad: You do not know if you have 1 or 2 hotel room? pow: I'm pretty sure she booked one. His brow wrinkles further. I notice how uncommon it is to see this many wrinkles on an asian. He pauses. Dad: Have you shared a hotel room with my daughter before? pow: Yes. His eye winces, slightly. He pauses. My chest tenses. He pauses again. Dad: Do you think this is okay? pow: Yes. I'm an idiot. He reflects, wrinkling and pausing more. Dad: If you.. had a daughter. Would you think this is okay? pow: Yes. He's visibly disturbed. He knows I'm an idiot and this disturbs him for multiple reasons. He does not know how to react. Longer pause. Eyes get even squintier. Dad: You will... Face MANY challenges. Dad: No wonder you people have so many divorces. He faces the other direction, we have silence for the remaining 45 minutes of the flight. Focus: Awkward "I'm having sex with your daughter" conversations. Alternate focus: Ever bridge the racial gap?
Somehow I have avoided these awkward conversations. I was just thinking about how this happened, and I realized that until my current girlfriend, everybody I've dated has either had a dead or estranged father. Hm. With respect to the ALT FOCUS, I can't say I've personally experienced this, but I have heard some stories. One guy in college who I only knew as an acquaintance told me this story about how he was dating some girl from the Middle East. I guess he took her shopping or something for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, and when her parents couldn't get ahold of her (even though they had talked to her that morning) they called the housing complex and the police. By the time the police and the housing office show up, they are back in her dorm room hanging out. They explain that she was out at the mall for a whole two hours, and the police and the RA leave. This causes this guy's spider sense to go off, and he gets his shit together fast and books it out of the room. She is not allowed to date. Not only is she dating, she is dating a white guy. As he's coming down the stairs, he spots her parents' Mercedes pulling into the housing complex. He jumps the railing to get behind the building and then ducks out of the complex through a ravine, avoiding yet-another awkward encounter. The funny thing is he was telling a bunch of people this story like it was the most normal thing in the world. I guess explaining shit to the police and getting the fuck out at the slightest hint of trouble was just sort of standard operating procedure in their relationship.
Alt focus: If you're seriously dating someone outside your race, a conversation needs to be had. I'm not very coherent as I've been chugging cough syrup, but I tend to date black women. I've dated latinas and white women as well, but I've never dated an Asian woman. It's hilarious to me, because I'm half Vietnamese and half-white. Bridging the gap: You don't want your partner to feel like they're your rosetta stone of black people/asian people/latina people/white people/whatever. Folks across the board are different and manifest their culture in different ways. That being said, if it is a serious relationship, you do want to have a conversation about the different nuances that you may not be aware of. And a lot of (white) folks on the board want to know how to get a black chick/have repped me in the past when I've referenced black women: stop saying things that emphasize that it's her actual skin color that makes her attractive to you or that you've never dated a black woman before. A lot of black women feel that white men fetishize them and feel akin to being in a National Geographic special. If they feel like you're sleeping with them just because they're black and it's something on your list, there's less of a chance of them actually sleeping with you.
This is how I consistently blow it with tall chicks, who I have a huge thing for. It's usually the first topic of conversation since Im 5'5. I have yet to dial it back since Im normally hammered drunk when out meeting girls. As for black girls, the best advice is to be loud and and as outrageous possible. Most of the black girls Ive known arent as uptight, for a lack of a better description, upon first meeting them. The more outlandish Ive acted the more the girls seemed to enjoy me. On the other end up the spectrum are Chinese girls. Im seeing a true blue, yellow, heartland chinese girl at the moment. Im not even talking the westernized looking chinese girls that most expats go for. She rents a room from some people she knows and since they know her parents there is no fucking way she lets me come over unless it's past midnight when she knows theyre asleep. Asain girls dating westerners is a sore spot over here, it is fucking weird how many dirty looks I get just walking down the street with her. She's also insanely shy unless she's getting drunk. Her and her friends are pretty westernized as far as drinking which is a good thing as most Chinese don't use every moment of their spare time getting hammered drunk like we do. She likes getting wasted and its a good time. As far as advice, if you aren't a high paid exec just say you are. The rest works itself out.
This reminded me of camping trips in high school. We were 16-17, some of us just got our licenses and went camping as a group. Four guys and their four girlfriends. But we were staying separately of course (wink). I'm sure the parents knew but we put on a good act. The guys all rode together to pick each other up and pack the borrowed SUV. The girls did the same. We met at the mall and swapped vehicles so couples could ride up together. Everything went off without a hitch but later in the year I had dinner with her parents and we shared our "funny story" about how the tent got flooded and we had wet sleeping bags. Her father: So both your tents got flooded huh? Me: (realizing where this was headed) Uhh... yeah. Yeah it was really rainy and the water came into both tents. Her father: (starring at me) Her father: (still starring at me)
I have many long-winded, serious thoughts about interracial dating, but suffice to say I'm always surprised when people haven't. Personally, I've dated/seen black girls, white girls, biracial girls, asian girls, (white) african girls, (black) african girls, pacific islanders, indian girls, etc. Meh. People are people. My advice? Don't assume shit. Don't assume (as dyson astutely pointed out) that they're going to be your racial sherpa, don't assume that you immediately have internalized their entire experience, and don't assume that you need some sort of weird "strategy" because somebody has different skin than you. People are people. Talk to them. Figure it out.
Focus: In high-school my girlfriend's Mom bought her a pack of condoms and left them on her bed. Girlfriend brings over said box of condoms and we use three of them. One broke, the other two were used for awkward high-school sex. A few weeks later I'm over there for supper, and her Dad says (half-jokingly), "How many of those condoms are left that Mom bought for you?" The girlfriend turns beat red and doesn't answer. I forget what my exact response was, but I know that it wasn't the last bit smooth or mature. Anti-Focus: I dated a Jewish girl for a couple of months and there were several awkward obstacles that I never personally had to deal with, but she certainly did. She was by no means religious, and barely acknowledged the fact that she was Jewish unless it was to make fun of her own people. Her Dad on the other hand was the polar opposite. He went ballistic when he found out that she came to an Easter Dinner at my house. Thankfully we never met. Had we met I'm sure there would have been an angry conversation. One where he did a lot of yelling, and I would then lie about my disdain for pork, Germans and Santa Claus. We didn't break up over racial issues. We broke up because she was psycho. But that's another story altogether.
Focus: I never had a problem with my parents, but my girlfriend's parents were convinced that she was a virgin up until about 6 months after I started dating here. She was 23 at the time and was in between grad school and undergrad, so she was living at home until grad school started. It was my birthday, and she mentioned to her mother that she was probably going to spend the night at my house since we were going to be out late. Her mom sits down at the kitchen table and proceeds to have the sex talk with her. After 4 years of college, several boyfriends and one long term relationship. She showed up at my house so embarrassed by the whole thing that I didn't even get birthday sex. I'm still a little bitter about that. It's amazing how clueless parents can will themselves to be. My buddy in high school was treated to the largest box of condoms I've ever seen in my life when he got his first girlfriend. We were both 15 and he came into his room to find a huge box and a handwritten note on floral paper imploring him to be safe. I didn't even know they made 100-packs of condoms.
I married my high school sweetheart - not something I would recommend for most people, but after 30 years married and 6 kids I think it was the right path for me. That being said when we were 16ish her parents were away for the weekend and we did what all red blooded American teenagers did - we had lots of sex in her family room. We were very careful about disposing of the condoms, not so much one of the wrappers. Of course her father found it. Let's say the conversation my future father-in-law had with my then girlfriend was a little uncomfortable. There was only one thing I could do - man up and defend my girlfriends honor. The next day I went to their house and approached my girlfriend's very old school Italian father and the conversation went something like this: "I understand you found, ahem, something yesterday" "I don't want my daughter to be another notch on your bedpost!" "Sir, I love and respect your daughter and I promise you I will do right by her." "I'm not sure I believe you, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. At least you were man enough to approach the situation head on." We shook hands and nothing was ever said again. I have to say it was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had, but to this day I'm glad I had it. My father-in-law and I are very close and good friends - I hope the men that my daughters ultimately end up have the balls to have difficult conversations with me. Of course, my daughters are still virgins at 27 and 25 - well at least my 9 year old is...
I've never had this problem, to be honest. Hell, my last long term girlfriend's mother gave me the "Backyard Karma Sutra" book for Christmas one year. I like 'em classy.
Focus: Never had the "having sex with your daughter" conversation. I had the great fortune of having the "I'm currently thrusting your daughter" interruption. That was BOATLOADS of fun. Luckily it was her mother and not her father, as I think I would have been flogged off their property had it been him.
Alt Focus: My wife is 100% Hispanic, and didn't speak a word of English until she was about 17 when she moved from Mexico City (and a short time in Honduras) to the States. She is the second mixed relationship I've ever been in (I dated a Thai girl that was 7 years older than me a few years ago), and obviously will be the last. Did I do anything special? No, I really don't think so. I didn't act anyway different than I normally do when I meet a girl, I don't think. She has what I think to be the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever met, and I guess she feels the same for me, so that is where I think the basis of our relationship was formed- not in looks for race (which is lucky for me, 'cause she's good looking and I resemble un burro blanco). Given that our humor lines up so well, though, you can just imagine that the racists jokes were (and still are) thrown about relentlessly by both of us. She knows that I don't really mean it when I tell her that she has fence-climbing thighs or that I want to draw a unibrow on her next year for Halloween and make her go as Frida Kahlo (or my personal favorite- Consuela), and I know that she won't really shank me for making fun of her and that I'm not really a Pendejo (well, I guess I am that one, to be fair). Hell, some of our funniest moments together are brought about by her occasional lapses in English. I was making fun of her about something a few weeks ago when she glared at me, stomped her cute little foot, and declared: Wife: Thas eeet, meeeester! We are on a fight! You are on the doghouse! Me: ......... I'm on the doghouse? So I'm Snoopy? Wife: Did I say eeeet right? Who is Snoopy? Oh, and if you can't tell, I love making fun of her accent. She makes fun of mine too, though. I still don't think I talk that country. But anyway, the race difference is there, but it really isn't, if you know what I mean. I really don't know how else to explain it. EDIT: When I googled "Pendejo" to check the spelling, I was blessed with an unexpected bonus, which I just messaged to The Wife: Me: Oooooooo baby, look what I just found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_profanity WOOOOO HOOOO! Culear! Wife: Oh uh!... I have a problem in my hands...
Focus: I had been dating my girlfriend (now wife) for a little over a year. We were basically living together at her house for the last 3 months of that year, even though we had separate houses about 3 blocks apart. I had met her dad twice and was invited to a family dinner with her dad, her much older brother and very abrassive aunt. Right in the middle of dinner her dad turns to me and says, "Well, my daughter's neighbor says she sees your car in her driveway early every morning." Very long, uncomfortable pause ensues, with all eyes on me. Her Dad: "How has her couch been treating you." Me: "Very good, sir." My wife still tells me that it took about an hour for the shade of red in my face to turn back to a normal skin tone.
Morning after the wedding, standing on the patio of our hotel suite, looking at the glorious Monterey Bay. I am sipping my diet coke, standing next to my new wife, my mom, a couple of the wedding party and then Jägerette's parents walk onto the patio. The first thing her dad loudly asks is: "So did you consummate the marriage?" He then proceeded to tell us all about his consummation on his wedding night.
Focus: Thankfully I've never had this conversation (I guess it usually doesn't happen with girls) but one of the most embarrassing moments of my life was my boyfriend telling me this story. He was driving somewhere with his mom, and she casually slipped it into conversation that "When you and "audreymonroe" have sex, everyone can hear it, you know. The whole house shakes." And I don't remember if this was all in one conversation or not, but his younger sister had a French friend staying with her that summer and she chimed in and said she liked to try and guess where in the room we were having sex because she was staying in the room directly below his. It is years later and, since we're still friends, I still see his mom from time to time and I get totally overwhelmed by embarrassment. Thank god my dad pretends I don't have sex, even though I am positive he's heard me too. Oops. Alt-Focus: Black guys absolutely love me.They're really the only other race I find attractive, so I've hooked up with and attempted to date quite a few. I've always been upset to discover that I just don't think I can do it. The dates have always been awkward and we've never really known what to talk about to each other because inevitably we wind up being so different from one another. (Granted, this of course hasn't always been directly related to race.) I just feel silly, like I'm in some bad movie, when I'm sitting there being a little white artsy girl and asking the guy I'm dating how his rap career is coming along. The most uncomfortable interaction was when we were talking about favorite books, and he said his was the Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, and I rolled my eyes without thinking, and he thought it was because I thought he was being a cliche for liking it because he wasn't white, when really I was tired of hearing all the white kids thinking they were really hip for claiming that was their favorite book. And I hated it, and when he asked me why, I had to explain as carefully as possible that I didn't like it because I didn't like the language, or the characters, and I didn't relate to it, and I thought he was being really condescending towards white people and that Junot Diaz was a dick and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of liking his stupid book. This was of course all twisted into me hating black people (Junot Diaz and all his characters are Hispanic), and it was in general the most uncomfortable conversation on a date EVER. I'm breaking my best friend's mom's heart, though, because she married a black guy and her daughter now only likes supremely nerdy white guys and she thought I was her only hope. I told her she can take comfort in the fact that I will gladly hook up with them until I get married, which won't be to a black guy. Sorry.
I'm with you on the Oscar Wao thing, as it's almost Push-level strained writing, but with all due respect to the rest...what? I have questions. Why do you date rappers if you're so awkward talking about it? Why do you think you "don't think you can do it?" Am I reading it wrong, or are you implying that you think it's utterly impossible for you to find a slightly-pretentious non-rapping black guy to talk about about artsy stuff with? This whole post struck me as very, very weird. And I take some umbrage with your usage of inevitably. And I can't even get into the whole "I'll hook up with them but I won't marry them" because I might detach a cornea eye-rolling.
Awkward convo: Never happened. Her dad was quite the manwhore in his time. He would've been freaked if we *weren't* doing it regularly. Racial divide: Well I'm Dominican, and she's Polish. Like "-ski" Polish. Between us that's never been a problem; between our families, hers adores me, and mine adores her. It's been great learning from each other, and sharing favorite "native" meals (she refuses to ever eat tripe soup, but she did have the balls to try it). We've yet to run across anyone who has a problem with our pairing, but then we haven't been anywhere south of NYC, or to any part of this state where the fabled "yankee redneck" makes his home.
The only way this post could be any better is if you suggested black people had no favorite books, because they can't read.