When you are single and looking, interactions with the opposite sex are always a little bit of a leap of faith. Sometimes, that leap succeeds. Other times, it fails with a whimper. Sometimes, however, the failure is truly spectacular. FOCUS: Tell funny stories of your most spectacular strikeouts.
So I've always been bad with names, so much so that I don't even bother listening anymore when people tell me. I know it's a terrible habit but I don't intentionally do it, it takes me about four or five times meeting someone before I remember their name. Last year I was at a bar with some of my friends and had been talking to this girl for a little while and then walked away to talk to some of the people I was with. Later I saw her and her friend talking to one of my friends so I figured I'd be walk over and be incredibly smooth by saying "Oh Jake you met Ashley, isn't she so pretty" or something along those lines. The only problem, her name wasn't Ashley. Needless to say, she didn't appreciate that too much and my game was killed right there.
You know whats a great pick up line: Are you from Tennessee? Because I'm cum in your face. My roommates and I heard that line before we went out drinking one night, and being the juvenile dumbasses that we are, thought it was hysterical. During the few hours pregaming before going out, one of us would say "Are you from Tennessee?" and another would respond "Because I'm going to cum in your face." As the night wore on, I managed to drink myself to the point where I wasn't really capable of thinking anymore, I was just responding reflexively to stimulus. I had been talking to this girl who I was pretty convinced I was going to go home with when one of my buddys came up to me and said "Are you from Tennesee?" and I reflexively and loudly blurt out, "BECAUSE I'M GOING TO COME IN YOUR FACE," cutting her off. Apparently she had been giving me some sort of deep spiel about music or something. (She was in band. I remember that much.) Apparently we were boring everyone around us, and and my roommate decided "something interesting needed to happen."
One night I was out at a bar in the Upper East Side with a friend and a couple of her guy friends. One of the other guys spots this absolute knockout, blonde bombshell who I would have been more than willing to strike out with, but the other dude called dibs, and I'm a man of principle. So, I end up running interference on her unattractive friend, who's also both drunk and a wretch. For some reason we end up talking about penguins, probably because I like penguins, and if you're a drunk, ugly, uninteresting bitch, I'm just going to talk about what interests me, since you're not going to contribute to the conversation anyways, and I think penguins are pretty cool. Anyways, at one point I end up mentioning brown penguins which she says don't exist. I tell her that there actually are brown penguins in the Falkland Islands and around the southern tip of South America, which almost reaches Antarctica. She then launches into a drunken counterargument, based on the two idea that (1) penguins only live where it's cold, and (2) South America is hot. I attempt to explain to her that South America is very long and has a bit of environmental diversity, but she counters with other stellar factual tidbit, (3) I'm from Puerto Rico, so I know about South America! Yeah, dumb bitch didn't know that her own home island is in North America, not South America. I guess she confused North and South Americas with America Proper and Lesser America. Rookie mistake. Anyways, I spend a few more minutes trying to educate this poor lost soul, until I find myself on the receiving end of the greatest rejection (if you can call it that, I wouldn't have fucked her with Chater's dick) I have ever received: I'd rather be at home masturbating than standing here talking to you. Then she stormed off into the bathroom. Best part is her friends immediately came over, and in an alignment shift without precedent in the history of male-female interactions, they apologized to me for their friend's behavior. I got into an argument over the habitats of penguins, got yelled out so loudly the entire bar could hear, and had a girl's friends, who hadn't been party to the conversation, defend me as the good guy. Greatest. Rejection. Ever.
Getting her name wrong isn't the only reason she rejected you. Just sayin'. One night I was at a bar and pretty hammered. I was making small talk with a girl while I was standing at the bar waiting for another beer. I said something she liked/agreed with (can't remember what it was), and she put her fist up to give me a fist bump. I grabbed her fist and yelled "STICK SHIFT!" and moved it around like I was shifting a manual transmission. Apparently this girl didn't share my drunken sense of humor and walked away. Women are so immature.
While working the cafeteria grill, I'm flirting with the pizza oven girl. She goes "What?" "huh?" "Can you repeat that?" several times, to which I say "What, are you going deaf? Forget to put your hearing aides in?" "I am going deaf and my hearing aides are in." I put my face in the deep fryer
I don't know if this is a strikeout, but it's certainly an example of when my idiocy got in the way of getting laid, so I'll count it. I was drunk off my ass at a bar, went into the bathroom to take a leak. Inside was a smoking hot girl and a large frat-douchey guy, the guy was clearly making strong moves on her. From the few seconds I sized up the situation, I surmised that she had gone into the guy's bathroom to avoid the line in front of the woman's, and then this guy started pestering her. This woman looked extremely uncomfortable and the guy was kind of blocking the exit. I didn't say anything but I stepped in close enough to them to make my presence known. She took this opportunity to grab my arm and say, "See? I told you I came with my boyfriend. Here he is!" The guy looked at me and asked, "Is this true?" I said, "Yeah man. Now get the fuck out of here." Guy leaves. I take my piss while talking to this girl, she thanks me for playing along. I hear her mutter something under her breath in French, so I switch our conversation to French and she seems suitably impressed. As we leave the bathroom, I tell her that I was on my way to meet some friends but that maybe we could get together some other time. She is interested. I tell her the best way to get in touch with me is through Facebook (exchanging drunk phone numbers almost never works, at least this was my logic at the time) and give her my name to search for my profile. Only problem was, I accidentally gave her the wrong name. There was no way for her to get in touch with me, and that is where the story ends. [Explanation of the name thing under the fold.] Spoiler I have a hyphenated last name. Let's say for the sake of this example that my full legal name is Harry Awesome-Coolahan. This is a pain to write so I usually abbreviate the name in one direction or the other (e.g. Harry Awesome or Harry Coolahan), but for a few years it was kind of random which way I abbreviated the name. I realized the next morning that in my drunken foolishness, I gave her the wrong last name (i.e. I told her my name was Harry A. but my Facebook profile can only be found by searching for Harry C.) Though, that doesn't quite beat the time I exchanged numbers with a girl and accidentally gave her my mom's number. I'm still not sure how that happened, my mom seemed amused by it though.
I frequently read this board, and one post was particularily funny in the anti-pickup line thread. I went up to a girl after drinking double spiced rum and cokes for most of the night and asked her if her legs were tired. She lokked at me, smiled, and, expected me to say she had been running through my night all night. Instead I told her she was really fucking fat. (she was a little overweight). She proceeded to slap the shit out of me. I could not stop laughing and provided my friends with an entertaining few minutes. I am sure I permanently scarred this bitch. (hopefully I inspired her to hit the gym). BTW I have no respect for fat bitches
I'm not even sure I can make this post funny, because I'm still crying about it 6 years later. So, we're all 19, at a house party I'm hosting, everyone is peaking off their goddamn faces, and I'm in the spa with my bi-curious then-girlfriend. A friend of ours just opens the bathroom door, takes off all her clothes, gets in the spa and starts kissing me and the girl I'm with. Somehow, I manage to turn two naked girls kissing on my lap into... nothing. Girl: "why don't you take off your clothes, we're already naked". Your hero: "Because I'm fat and you're both hot". Ouch. 6 years later, still no threesome. Some days I LOATHE younger me.