"If I'm the best man, why are you marrying my brother?"

My brother is getting married pretty soon, and against all logic and his better judgment, asked me to be his best man. He and his fiance haven't said it in so many words, but I get the feeling that they're fairly nervous over how this is going to work out (and for good reason). I'm what some people would deem "reckless", and that I lack a "social filter" and on occasion I've drank "too much" or "incited riots for no other reason than to watch chaos"....whatever MOM.

Regardless, this is a pretty important job and not one that I've been taking lightly. I think they expect my speech to basically be a glorified roast of my brother, with me sloshing Maker's Mark all over the place, so the bar has been set pretty low. I pretty much have my speech written, and it's AWESOME, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw this up here and let you guys share some words of advice or horror stories about being a best man.

Focus: been a best man before? Any thoughts or words of wisdom to pass on to make the experience as smooth as possible? What are some of the best speeches you've heard? Even better, what are some of the worst?

I've got everything else pretty much locked down (bachelor party, groomsmen outings, gifts, speech, contingency planning, etc) but in the interest of the ignorant, feel free to throw in your two cents there as well. This is NOT a bachelor party thread though. Much like the actual trip/party....it doesn't need to be talked about.

 

I've been a best man and an MC before. I was friends with the groom on both occasions. Its generally accepted that you're going to roast your brother and drag him over the coals a bit. Keep the stories PG-13 rated, nobody needs to know he railed a meth'd out whore in Tijuana, where as mooning a bus full of elementary students during a pub crawl is funny. Always make sure you say something about the Bride.

 

I've had the honors twice. Personally, I don't think the toast should be a roast (leave that at the bachelor party). Congratulate them, welcome his bride to your family (and compliment and thank her folks if they're footing the bill for the shindig), and wish them well. And remember, it's their day. You're supporting cast.

 

So you're saying that it's a bad idea if I have a trophy awarded to myself for being the best best-man at the wedding and give a hilarious acceptance speech in lieu of a traditional toast?

Because that's what I'm doing. Good way to thank everyone who made it possible for me to win (my parents, her family, bridesmaids, etc), crack some jokes, and then when I get into a purposefully embarrassing story I'll have wrap-up music play before I can finish it.

Quick, funny, original. Every best man speech I've seen is lame as fuck, the same old one-liners and tired jokes. I'm too awesome to mail it in like that.

 

Don't get wasted before your speech. If you don't want to flap your gums, just give a toast, because nobody will mind. NOBODY like long wedding speeches. They drive people insane, it cuts into good drinking time.

I've been to over 100 weddings and have seen the best man ruin the whole shebang with his mouth and a mic half a dozen times at least.

 

I was best man at my older brother's wedding.

It sucked. I was 19, he was 23, and none of his whore wife's whore sorority sisters wanted jack shit to do with me. Probably because I was 19 and had bad skin. Didn't matter that I could stick my dick in the smartest part of them (their ass, for those of you playing at home) and have it come out the dumbest part (their mouths), it blew goats.

I'm being the best man again in November.

I will probably do the same speech again that I did before: "Congratulations, we all wish you the best, yada yada yada." Short and sweet time-wise, long on the ass-kissing, you're set.

 

I'd say you're right, and wrong. Not getting hammered before the speech should be obvious, so I won't bother with those aspects.

By all means write the funniest damn speech you can. I was a best man a few years and I put a ton of effort into writing the funniest damn thing I could, and it went over very well. The secret ingredients are "appeal" and "taste".

You're likely to have a wide audience from kids to grandparents. Make sure you work gags in that everybody can get and appreciate. That's not to say that you should make them all that way, but put in enough so that you keep everyone's attention. Obviously, watch the rating - especially if there's kids present. You could have the best speech, with one clanger, and the clanger is all that will be remembered.

Avoid in jokes, unless a significant number of people will get it. Even then, only one or two and set up so that people that don't get them realise they're not supposed to get them. At the same wedding, we had a groomsman who gave a speech that was nothing but in jokes - it was boring and uncomprehensible for 99% of the attendees.

It's important to work the traditional toasts in. It's not hard to do, and it will impress the old folks. Besides, everyone likes to be thanked for putting up with a bridezilla.

The last point is to practice the shit out of it. A well presented average speech is better than a poorly presented great one. See if you can memorise it and make it look "off the cuff".

 

You could do as my brother's best man did: Go up there and relate how you and the groom's mom (well, in this case your mom too) had him figured for gay, but that's not really fair because if you drive one nail, nobody calls you a carpenter. But, you give one blow job... (end speech immediately to shocked laughter)

Or, you could do as I did at my best friend's wedding: Just a short little speech about whether the bride's getting a good deal, yadda yadda, congratulations, you'll have a great life together. Just don't let the alcohol make the choice for you.

 

I was the best man for my buddy's wedding two years ago, and can honestly say I killed it. The photographer and DJ both told me it was by far the best speech they've ever heard, and they had over a thousand weddings between them. Between our circles of families and friends, I still introduce myself to people who reply with "oh, I remember you from Buddy's wedding."

Thing is, wedding speeches aren't that difficult, because the audience's expectation is so low -- it's not like performing in a comedy club. If you spend 5 minutes saying a couple jokes and a couple sweet things, they'll be more than satisfied. If your jokes are actually funny, they'll laugh their collective balls off.

I re-read my speech last week and actually still found it funny, which is rare for me when reading old material. I talked about how we met, how he used to be fat/un-confident before he met his wife, and closed with a story about how he once puked in my parents basement and blamed it on this random girl, before coming clean and admitting it was him, because the lie (blaming it on random girl) would have meant he spent the night in a dark room with a girl who wasn't his fiance.

Oh, and I dropped an F-bomb when explaining that the first thing his dad said to me when we met was "Shut the fuck up and get a hair cut."

If you're that confident in your jokes, go for it. Just make sure to call the bride beautiful a couple times.

 

I've been best man to two of my closest friends. One was getting married shotgun right out of high school with a baby on the way. For the other, we were in our early 30s and had been best friends since college. 2 totally different stages of our lives, and as such, 2 totally different speeches. The only real advice I can give you is to consider your relationship with the bride to be (and her family).

You definitely want to be funny and somewhat nostalgic as it relates to your bit about the groom, but keep in mind that if the families of the wedding couple do not know each other well, too much inside joking can fall really flat. The first speech I gave was in my hometown. The couple were high school sweethearts and everybody at the wedding pretty much knew each other, so the stories were well received by everybody. I knew them, they knew me. They got what they expected.

For my second speech, the bride and groom met in Chicago post-college through mutual friends. It was the first time many of us were meeting her family and vice versa. Not everybody had known each other for years and years. Making your best friend's bride (and her family/friends) feel welcome is a really important thing to do. Your story about his ex-es might be funny to those who know him, but his bride's family might not relate. You are seen as an extension of the groom, so represent well.

 

I've been best man once (at my buddies) and spoke another time (my brother's). Both were successful. I think the key was not over thinking it. I knew a couple basic points I wanted to make each time but that was it. I essentially winged it for both. I wasn't even required to say anything at my brother's, I just asked for the mic. I'm not usually one that is good expressing things verbally, so I needed to have a few drinks in me both times. I was told all night long by people I had never met that I gave the best speech they had ever seen for my brother. I haven't seen the video and don't really want to. I do know that I ran the emotional gambit making everyone laugh, (by making fun of my brother when he was younger and relating it to his career) to making many tear up (I teared up a little myself which is why I don't care to see it). If you speak from the heart you will do just fine. Don't over think, or go too long.