https://twitter.com/crampell/status/1393250065909694464/photo/1 Focus: what's the scariest animal you could take on and win? Alt-focus: ever been attacked by a critter? Tell that story. I've been attacked by geese, and I have no illusions on their martial superiority. And most of the animals on this list attack at crotch level, so..... Also, I've held (and been shat on) by a king cobra, and if it were not for the rubber hair tie keeping it's mouth closed (FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKES), I would surely have died a miserable and painful death from multiple cobra bites. That thing simply reeked of death. Fun fact: in certain parts of the world, all zoos are petting zoos, unless you're some kind of pussy.
Focus: Maybe a chipmunk? Anything else I cornered would surely do more harm to me than I'm want to think about, and I'm not going out looking for a one-on-one with a cougar. Alt-focus: I got bit by Gregg Allman's dog.
My job used to consist of trapping/ catching all sorts of animals, so I’ve had everything from mice, groundhogs and beavers to bears try to attack me. In addition to their enormous teeth that can chop down trees, beavers have viscous looking claws. I don’t recommend fucking with them. I’ve encountered black bears several times while hiking or camping. Being loud and aggressive has always scared them away. I’ve also been stalked by a polar bear. Placing other field team members on a hill as spotters saved me from being lunch.
There are a lot of important questions that impact the answer to this hypothetical. What equipment am I allowed to use How much time do I have to prepare What environment are we fighting in Does this animal have an irrational hatred of me, or would it behave like it normally does in the wild What is the win condition etc
I've been bit by plenty of dogs. My parents should have been more litigious, they might could've gotten a payday from negligent owners. A damn Weiner dog did the most damage, that thing was vicious. The last time I was bitten outside of the animal shelter was a friend's dad's pitbull. We were all inside and I went out to my vehicle to get something. The dog started charging at me and I stuck my left arm out for him, leaving my dominant arm free to use for any kind of defense. I punch that dog harder than I've hit any other living in my life. He did get a little piece of my left arm. While he was collecting himself from the hit, I moved around around a trailer and just ran around it, keeping the trailer between myself and the dog, screaming for the owner.
one time I was on a run and got run over by a deer. Running a trail and the fucker just popped out of the woods and plowed into me. Shockingly, zero injuries for either of us. Never really been "attacked" by any animals. Got bit on the leg by a rat snake once, but I stepped too close to it as I didn't see it, so I consider it my fault not the snake's. Also it wasn't so much attacking as it was just defending its territory and being a snake. Closest call was probably back when we had ducks, I heard a commotion at night and ran outside to see what was wrong. Turns out there was an owl trying to grab one of them and fly away, but the duck was too fucking fat. When I tried to pull the owl off, it turned its head around and took an unsuccessful swipe at me with it's talon. I didn't know what to do so I punched it in the head. Never seen an animal look so confused. It flew away. Didn't know owls had talons before that. On that list, I only think I could beat a rat and a goose in a fight. I'm not fucking with dogs or cats, because teeth and claws. Eagles have talons, kangaroo kicks go for the crotch, and everything else should seem obvious.
If by "win" you mean kill and survive moderate injuries, I'm gonna draw the line between Eagle and Large Dog. I still feel like maybe I can take out the dog, but serious injuries are probable. Same with the eagle but at some point I'm going to just belly-flop my big ass on him and crush his hollow bones (and serious injuries are still probable) House cat? Had several growing up and occasionally one would lose it's mind and attack if you rubbed its belly too long. Sure, they'd draw blood, but nothing that ever required stitches... grab them with your free hand and yeet at will. Goose? No, grab that fucker by the neck and start swinging it over your head, eventually that neck will snap.
you bring up a good point about yeeting and cats. I would like to change my previous statement. Still don't trust eagles or dogs. Though admittedly, it would depend on which breed of dog. Some of them are really fucking lazy, and others are super ADHD and would get distracted on their way to attacking me.
You are severely underestimating the strength of a goose wing when they fly thousands of miles a year. They can break your arm with one strike of those motherfuckers.
I know they are much smaller, but I have had to do this a time or two duck hunting, chasing down crippled ducks that weren't healthy enough to fly after knocking them down, but still able to dive and swim several yards under water. When we finally get a hand on them, snatch them up by the head and start swinging them (NOT overhead). I'm no expert, but it normally gets the job done in a few seconds. I have had to snatch up a goose by the neck before, but it was a "pet" of the home owner so I simply moved it. It never entered my mind that it could actually hurt me, I was just relocating it.
Sure, but if it's a goose or me, that goose is gonna die. The eagle is an interesting one, because of course an eagle is huge with giant talons and is pretty strong, but they are also not designed to kill things as large and mobile as a healthy human. The eagle might actually be less challenging than a big dog. Everything gorilla and up is 100% death to any human under any circumstance short of being able to arm yourself first. I'm assuming the 6-9% that thinks they're going to win in those fights must have been polled on the short bus.
100%. Geese are renowned assholes, but people are forgetting that humans are Death Apes. We don't fuck with geese because it's usually not worth it, not because we wouldn't win.
Here's why I ask this. With their natural level of caution and sense of self-preservation, a human can 1v2 even fucking polar bears.
No. Given the ones Ive dispatched by hand were already wounded they are not that tough or strong. Like the video Aetius posted, they have huge weakness in their long necks plus blunted beaks and small "talons." Only real tactic they have is the confusion of having a large bird flapping bird in your face. They are 15 lbs tops.
That's certainly badass, since I would probably have been busy filling up my pants with shit. But I would hardly qualify that as "beating them in a fight."
This is why I'm asking for a rules clarification. In any combat sport I'm aware of, a tap out is a win just as much as a KO is.